Songs of Christmas (39 page)

Ezra, who had always forgiven and ignored her many flaws and idiosyncrasies. Enjoyed them, even, at times, it seemed. Ezra was disappointed in her. He was disaffected from her. A breach had opened between them that she could not negotiate.

This was serious. Very, very serious indeed. Her first thought was to call Reverend Ben and ask if he could perhaps speak to Ezra. Wasn’t it divine to forgive? Wouldn’t the minister remind him of that?

But she quickly pulled back from that idea. Airing their dirty laundry, even to the minister, was a last resort in her book. Perhaps if she was able to find out what had happened to the Salazars and Ezra was reassured that they were settled someplace and happy, it would help him see that—however the situation had come about—it was finally the best outcome for everyone.

And if they were not happily settled . . . well, she wouldn’t tell him what she had found out. But she would find some way to send them assistance. She did feel a twinge of conscience now. Maybe it had started with that prayer request from Tucker Tulley in church. Or maybe a little sooner than that. However it had happened, it seemed to be growing by the hour.

Estrella had received her pay in full, of course, and even extra, which was Emily’s doing. But Lillian hadn’t argued. That should have helped some, Lillian reasoned. But it cost a lot to house and feed four people . . . and perhaps Estrella had not found a new job yet.

It could be a very bleak situation, Lillian realized, once she allowed herself to really think about it. Now she knew she really must find out what had happened to them.

As she considered the question, it seemed obvious that Emily was the one for this assignment, though her daughter might argue that this was not the best use of her time and authority. But perhaps she would do it for Ezra’s sake.

Sometimes I think my own children like him better than they like me,
she thought as she carefully cleared away the lunch dishes.
In fact, I know they do.

* * *

AS LILLIAN HAD EXPECTED, EMILY ARGUED AT FIRST. “MOTHER, IT’S
really not right for me to go hunting through public records. I’m not even sure I can find them.”

“You won’t know unless you try. With all the computers and things these days, I’m sure it won’t take that long if you ask the right person. You’re the mayor. Doesn’t that count for anything? You certainly act as if it does when you’re around me.”

Emily didn’t answer. Lillian heard papers shuffling and someone asking her a question, and then another phone rang. “All right. I’ll see what I can do. But if they’ve left the county, I’ll have no way of knowing. This is Village Hall, not the FBI.”

“Believe me, I’ve noticed.”

Lillian hung up the phone, satisfied to get the ball rolling. Well, she had done what she could do. It was in God’s hands now. But it never hurt to remind Him.

Alone in her room, she shut the door and said a brief prayer. “God, if you have any interest in this situation, it would be very helpful if you could help bring this information to light . . . I suppose that losing my temper and telling that family to go was not my shining hour,” she admitted. “I am trying to make some amends. Not just so that Ezra is nice to me again. For the right reasons . . . I think. But I could use some help. Please?” She sighed and added, “Amen.”

* * *

HER DAUGHTER DID NOT REPORT BACK UNTIL TUESDAY, DESPITE LILLIAN’S
many prods and reminders. And it was difficult to call her without Ezra overhearing. Lillian had to wait until he took a nap or was in the shower.

“So, have you found out anything at all about them yet? I don’t see why it should take this long.”

“I did find out something, Mother. I was just about to call.” Lillian sat down, taking in the news. Estrella and her family were living in a motel room provided by a storm assistance program. Estrella had taken a job there, cleaning. Bonita was working, too.

Bonita was cleaning rooms at a motel? She had to be in her late sixties. That was no work for a woman her age. And Estrella, a highly trained nurse . . .

“. . . At least the children are still in the same schools,” Emily continued. “That’s probably why she didn’t go farther. Or maybe they didn’t find anything else yet. She’s probably waiting to find a better job so she can afford a real apartment. There’s no cooking in those rooms. It’s rather basic.”

Lillian’s mouth felt dry. She forced herself to say, “I’d like the address if you have it.”

“Why is that?”

“I want to send her something. Anonymously,” she added hastily.

“Really? Are you having second thoughts about what you did?”

Lillian bristled but couldn’t deny it. But she wouldn’t admit it either. It was quite rude of Emily to ask so bluntly, Lillian thought. She had taught her better manners than that.

“I am not obliged to explain myself to you. ‘Judge not, that ye be not judged.’”

“I wasn’t judging you, Mother. Just wondering.”

Lillian didn’t believe that. “The address, please. You must have it.”

Emily read it off, and Lillian wrote it down quickly. She heard Ezra coming and had to hurry. “Thank you for your help. I have to go. Ezra needs me.”

Before Emily could reply, she hung up the phone.

* * *

IT TOOK HER ALL DAY AND NIGHT TO DECIDE WHAT TO DO. EVEN EZRA
noticed she was distracted. “Didn’t you hear me, Lillian? I asked if you would hand me the remote.”

They were watching TV after dinner, a news show. Lillian had no idea what it was about, though several well-spoken experts were engaged in a heated debate.

“Here you are,” she said, giving him the remote. “I must have dozed off.”

“Do you feel all right? You don’t seem yourself,” he noted.

My, my, now the pot is calling the kettle black, is it?
she nearly replied. But she held back, seeing her opening. “I do feel a bit off . . . I might be coming down with a little something. I was thinking of seeing Dr. Harding tomorrow morning.”

“Tomorrow morning? The physical therapist is coming. I won’t be able to go with you.”

“That’s all right. I can manage. Maybe Emily will take me.”

Ezra glanced at her. “Well, all right. If you think you’ll be okay on your own.”

He went back to his program. That was easy. She could be robbing a bank for all he’d notice, or care.

* * *

LILLIAN LEFT THE HOUSE THE NEXT DAY JUST AS EZRA’S THERAPIST
arrived. She had called a taxi, claiming Emily was busy in a meeting. “Don’t wait for me to have lunch. I may need to stop at the bank as well,” she told Ezra.

“All right. Be careful walking,” he reminded her.

They were so infrequently parted that even though he was angry with her, she could tell he still felt a certain loss. As if part of himself was going off in a different direction for the day. She felt the same as she walked slowly to the taxi that waited near the back door. But this had to be done if they were ever to be reunited as before.

The motel complex was not far, just outside of town, near the highway, and as worn and depressing looking as Lillian had expected. Maybe even more so. It was a cloudy day, and that made the place look even worse. The taxi pulled up in front of a sign that read,
OFFICE
. Lillian told the driver to wait.

She got out and peered through a glass door. There was a desk but no one behind it. How would she ever find Estrella? Knock on every door?

Well, I will if I have to,
she decided. She suddenly felt as if her life depended on this. Her life with Ezra did.

She wasn’t quite sure when she heard the rattling sound coming toward her. Then she saw a cleaning cart being pulled out of a nearby door. Estrella was pulling it, and Bonita, pulling an identical cart, was not far behind.

What luck,
she thought.
Maybe God heard my prayer after all.

Lillian stepped toward them. “Estrella, I’ve come to see you.”

Estrella looked up, her expression shocked. “Mrs. Elliot? What is it? Is Dr. Ezra all right?”

“He’s fine. Fit as a fiddle . . . well, physically at least. He’s not himself, though. Not really.”

He’s very unhappy. Still mad at me for the way I treated you,
she could have said. But she was not prone to baring her heart that way.

“I know I have no right to ask, all things considered. But is there someplace we can talk? It won’t take long.”

Bonita had been silent but now spoke to her daughter. She looked quite upset, Lillian thought, and was probably telling Estrella she shouldn’t give Lillian the time of day.

Estrella reached out and calmed her mother, then turned back to Lillian. “We can go into our room for a few minutes. My mother will take a break in the office.”

Bonita headed for the office, glancing back over her shoulder and shaking her head, muttering something Lillian was glad she didn’t understand.

Estrella took a key from her back pocket and opened a nearby door.

The room was narrow and dark with two large beds, neatly made up, and two long, low dressers against a wall. There hardly seemed any space to walk. A small closet near the doorway was bursting with clothing. One corner of the room was piled high with suitcases and big black trash bags—full of their belongings, Lillian suspected. She glanced into the bathroom as she walked by. Clean and neat as a pin, but with cardboard cartons in the bathtub, some of the Christmas toys sticking out of the top. It was clearly a challenge to keep all their belongings in such a small space, but she could see that they tried to keep it orderly.

Lillian took a seat on the edge of the first bed and leaned on her cane. Estrella remained standing, staring down at her.

“What is it, Mrs. Elliot? I don’t have much time. If you’ve come to offer us money, please don’t bother. I won’t take anything from you.”

Lillian was shocked by that response. She felt the wind blow out of her sails. She had, in fact, stopped at the bank and had a sum to offer Estrella.

“Well, I did want to offer my assistance,” she admitted. “But more than that, I’ve come to”—apologize was not a word she could say easily—“to make amends. For my behavior. Perhaps I shouldn’t have reacted as I did when your son broke the lamp.”

“
Perhaps
not,” Estrella replied. She folded her arms over her chest, her dark eyes narrow. Lillian couldn’t quite tell if she was being sarcastic. Well, probably.
But perhaps I deserve it
. “Is that it? Is that what you came to say?” Estrella’s expression was questioning, and Lillian could tell she was quickly losing her patience.

“I . . . I have no explanation, really,” Lillian faltered. “Except that I’m an old woman, set in my ways. I’ve had to fight much of my life for my own sense of . . . security in this world. You may not think that,” she added, seeing Estrella’s doubtful look. “But it is true. And with Ezra sick . . . well, it’s hard to get old. And to feel your life is . . . out of your control.”

“We all feel afraid at times,” Estrella said quietly.

Lillian felt relieved at this small sign of understanding.

“Well, I used to be braver when I was young. Like you,” she added in a matter-of-fact tone. “But I’m not that strong anymore. I am weak and somewhat . . . rigid, and I give in to those traits far too easily. I did that night, and I lashed out at your family. Maybe someone else . . . like my husband . . . would have been more forbearing and patient. But those virtues have never been my strong suit. I can see now that my outburst has caused your family much more distress and discomfort than I ever expected. Living here, all cramped together in one small room . . .” Lillian couldn’t but help glance around, acknowledging the bleak situation.

“It’s been hard. But at least we have this space. And we are due to get a good apartment at the end of the month. We had to wait so that the children could stay in their schools. With so many other changes, it’s important for them to keep their teachers and friends.”

“That’s what my daughter Emily thought. That’s how I found you. I asked her . . . You see, the thing is, I . . . I really can’t rest easy with this on my mind. Ezra is very unhappy. But he doesn’t even know I’ve come here,” she admitted. “It doesn’t always come easily to me, but I do try to do the right thing. Finally.”

What she did not tell Estrella was that she feared Ezra would never forgive her, that this estrangement would never be repaired. She knew Ezra would never leave her. Only death would part them. But she truly feared the rest of their days would pass in this malaise of disaffection. Only one thing could redeem her. And it all depended on what the young woman in front of her would say.

Estrella leaned back, her lips pursed. “Dr. Elliot, he’s very kind. I thought he sent you.”

“No, it’s all my doing. He doesn’t know what I’m up to . . . but if he were here with me now, I know what he would do.”

Estrella looked at her curiously. “And what is that?”

“He would ask that you and your family come back and stay with us again. For as long as you need to. He would not just ask—he would insist on it. Will you please at least consider it?” she said quickly, sensing the young woman was about to refuse. “Now that I’ve come . . . I don’t know that I can face him, knowing you remain here.”

Estrella sighed and sat on the other bed. Facing Lillian, she leaned closer. “Mrs. Elliot, is that what you want, too? Truly? Because my children cannot go through another scene like the last one.”

Lillian nodded. She felt her throat tighten as she realized how awful she must have seemed to them. “They’re probably terrified of me now . . . But I will be better, I promise. I can be nice, if I put my mind to it. You’d be surprised.”

She had stated that in all seriousness, but noticed that Estrella was trying hard to hide a smile. There was hope, then.

“I’ll send a taxi here for you anytime you like,” Lillian offered. “Two taxis might be necessary, with all your belongings . . . Think it over,” she suggested, hoping time would help her case. “You don’t have to tell me now.”

Estrella sat quietly for a long moment. Then she lightly touched Lillian’s hand. “All right, Mrs. Elliot . . . We will come. We’ll come tonight, after the children return from school.”