Songbird (4 page)

“I thought so,” Demi continued, interpreting my silence for validation. “Braydon is in the past, Brierly, he’s gone. He can’t keep hurting you anymore. You’ve got to let it go and separate the past from the present. Forest isn’t Braydon, they are two separate people.”

“I don’t care, I want him gone.”

“He hasn’t done anything wrong and it’s too late to hold auditions again. We need Forest in the show. There is too much riding on this tour, I don’t need to tell you that.”

Yeah, that was all well and good, but I couldn’t guarantee I would be able to get through the tour with Forest as my lead guitarist. If I slipped, if I let down my guard, it would all happen again. “Please, Demi.”

“I wish I could but it’s too late. You need to make it work.”

“I don’t know if I can do it,” I confessed. I almost lost everything when I broke up with Braydon. If I was feeling that attraction to Forest already, there was no way I could ignore my feelings for an entire year. I had this stupid obsession with guys that weren’t good for me and I was sure Forest fell into that category. Most guys did.

“I’ll be there for you,” Demi offered. “You know I’ve got your back. I’ll get you through this tour, you have my word on that.”

“We can’t get anyone else?”

“No.” She shook her head sadly. “You know I’m on your side. If I could do something, I would, but it’s too close to the start and it was too difficult finding Forest.”

I believed her. If she thought we had a shot at finding someone as good as Forest to join the band, she would do everything she could to make it happen. It looked like I was going to be spending the year with Forest.

“Fine,” I sighed. “But I’m not playing with him on stage. That’s how it all started with Braydon.”

“I know, honey.”

We waited another five minutes before I could calm down and accept the inevitable before returning to the stage. Demi took the lead, speaking with Jay. “Brierly is going to play with the audience instead of any band members.” She spoke with such authority that Jay had no room to argue. He just nodded as I smiled.

C
hapter Four

T
he lights were too bright but they were good for my complexion so I just squinted and blinked until my eyes adjusted. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“I said the tour must be taking a toll on your personal life,” the entertainment reporter repeated. So far, the interview had been going well. We’d covered everything from the tour costumes to the venues I’d be playing. This was the first time she had asked a personal question.

Demi had told me to avoid answering anything personal. She said to be polite and laugh them off, perhaps change the subject. I’d forgotten all the tricks I used to use in interviews. I was a little rusty now.

“My personal life is fine. My sole focus i
s on the tour and making sure my fans have a great time at my shows,” I replied, bringing it back to the tour like Demi said. I was kind of proud of myself for remembering the trick.

“It’s hard to believe after everything you went through last year you have the stamina to commit to a yearlong tour. Were you nervous taking it on?” The woman looked at me innocently, like she was just asking me what I was going to have for lunch. A lion in a kitten’s clothing, they all were.

“It’s always nerve racking taking on any tour but I’m fully committed to making it a great experience. I have wonderful people around me.”

“Do you think your eating disorder will play any role in your tour preparations? Do you worry about falling back into old habits?” She pierced me with her gaze, making me squirm with discomfort.

The last thing I wanted to talk about was my eating habits. It was frustrating to say the least. I had spent the best part of a year talking about my disorder with doctors and psychologists. I had then spent months trying to get over it.

Yet it seemed every time I spoke to someone these days, they just wanted to pull me right back to that hell. The reporter might have just wanted something salacious for her story but she was ruining my life in the process. I was purely a means to an end, not a real person that might feel something negative from her questions.

“Brierly?” She asked when I was silent. I didn’t know how to spin the question back to the tour. What could I say? “Brierly? Do you want to answer the question? I’m sure all your fans would like to know.”

“I, uh, I think-”

“Time’s up,” Demi said cheerily as she burst into the room. I could have hugged her right then. “Sorry but we’re on a tight schedule and Brierly has so many more engagements today. Thank you for the interview, we’re looking forward to seeing it.”

She helped me unclip my microphone and untangle myself from the wires. My hands were shaking, which she knew and was why she was helping me with the simple process. I don’t know what I would
have done without her.

“But we’re not finished yet, you said I’d have an entire hour,” the reporter protested. Her and her producers didn’t seem happy with our sudden departure.

“A whole hour?” Demi said, like she couldn’t recall the promise. “That’s a long time in Brierly’s world. Maybe next time when she’s not so busy.”

Demi grabbed my hand and led me out of the hotel room. She continued to pull me all the way to the waiting car. We drove out of there like the building was on fire.

“Thanks for the save.”

“I told her that subject was off limits. When will these reporters learn? If you’re going to hassle my client about things you’re not supposed to, I’m going to cut you off and leave the interview. Seriously.”

Her frustration made me feel better, she had my back. I should never have even questioned it. Everyone in Hollywood wanted to push the limits and if there was a juicy story then it was all the more reason to do it. I just didn’t want to be their fodder anymore.

The next few weeks passed by much the same. I was on a seemingly endless merry-go-round of interviews, rehearsals, and preparations. I was getting
back into the swing of things, I actually started feeling like my old self again. Thanks to Demi’s strict rules, my eating disorder didn’t come up in any of my other press engagements. I was able to freely talk about the tour and share my excitement about going on the road again.

It wasn’t a fake enthusiasm either, I really did love touring. Travelling around the world, getting to perform every night and meeting fans, there was nothing better than that. It was what I lived for and to actually get paid to do it was like a huge bonus.

Unfortunately, Forest hadn’t put one foot out of place. I was beginning to think he might not be like Braydon after all. That idiot was always late for rehearsals, he got songs wrong, and he had the arrogance to think that was perfectly fine to do. Apparently you can get away with anything if you’re sleeping with the star.

When it was just Forest and I packing up on the last day of rehearsals, I wasn’t as freaked out as
I would have been six weeks earlier. I was doing a final check of my costumes to make sure they were all there before they got packed away. I was checking everything three times just to make sure it was covered. I couldn’t have any disasters on the tour, I was ultra paranoid about it.

“So, two days and it all starts,” Forest said from the doorway. I could feel someone standing there even though I wasn’t facing the door. If it wasn’t him, then it would have been a ghost.

“Yeah, you nervous?” I didn’t turn around, just continued to check the dresses.

“No, it’s not my show. The bigger question is, are
you?”

I wasn’t going to confess to anyone how scared I was with the entire thing. Only Demi knew that and she wouldn’t tell anyone either. “I’m sure everything will be fine.”

“How about we get a drink then? To celebrate before we leave?”

My hands stopped on the hanger I was checking. He made me lose count. I turned around. He was standing there casually, his hands in his pockets. His chocolate brown eyes flicked to the floor for a moment before they shot back up to mine. That look could have made my knees go weak, I swore.

It was just one drink, right? That didn’t mean anything. Just two colleagues, sharing a beverage in a public setting. It was nothing. “Sure.”

“How about tomorrow at Flannery’s? Say seven o’clock? I can pick you up.”

“Seven sounds fine. I’ll meet you there.” Rule number one of not ending up in bed together, drive yourself. Mikayla taught me that one.

“Sounds like a plan, see you then.” He gave me a slight wave as he left. I could still hear his footsteps down the corridor as I stood there like a statue. Damn I hated the way he affected me so much. I desperately didn’t want him to.

But he wasn’t Braydon, and just because we were having a drink together, it didn’t mean anything would happen. My sole focus for the next year was the tour and nothing else. I could stay focused. It was just a drink between colleagues.

Yet I couldn’t get that butterfly feeling out of my stomach, even the next day. I had the day off, the only
one before we started on the tour. I had so many errands to do but I didn’t particularly feel like doing any of them. I kept checking the clock, counting down the hours until I met with Forest.

I forced myself to pack, knowing it had to be done or I would be leaving with nothing. I made a list of things I needed to take and then set about putting them all neatly in my suitcase. I put on loud music, trying to keep my brain completely occupied so it didn’t wander.

Finally, I started on my true errands. I checked in with my agent and publicist before heading to the grocery store. Everything had been going smoothly, too smoothly. I should have known.

I filled my basket with snacks for the road and other necessities. Demi would only get healthy food to eat along the way, I wanted something a bit more comforting – like chocolate. I always craved sugar when I went on tour and I expected this one to be no different.

While standing at the confection stand and trying to find something that wouldn’t melt in the heat of the bus, I heard a familiar voice beside me.

“Choose the M&M
’s, they’re your favorite.”

It felt like I had been hit in the stomach at the
realization of who was standing with me in the aisle. I turned around slowly, wishing my ears were wrong and my eyes would set me straight. Unfortunately, they were in unison. “But M&M’s will melt. I was thinking Skittles might be a good choice.”

Braydon smiled, chuckling just a little to himself. He had a full day’s growth on his jaw, making him look even more impossibly attractive with his Italian
complexion. His green eyes sparkled with amusement, probably at my discomfort.

“So you’re getting snacks for the bus then? I heard you were going on tour. That completely changes everything. Skittles, definitely.”

I picked up a bag of both M&M’s and Skittles. “I’m sure there’s room for both.” I turned to leave, not wanting to stay there a moment longer. Any time I spent in Braydon’s aura was dangerous. Every moment we shared flashed into my brain like a horrible movie.

It all started off so well. He completely charmed the pants off me – literally – and we had the most amazing four months of my life. We ate out every night at a different restaurant, we went to art exhibitions, we frolicked on million dollar boats, and we spent every other moment in bed. It was intense, fun, surreal, and then horrible.

On our four month anniversary, I found Braydon in bed with a groupie. She wasn’t even someone he cared about, just someone to have fun with and then forget. The betrayal felt even worse knowing how easily he could throw away what we had. A few minutes of fun for our entire future, it wasn’t a good trade.

But that wasn’t the worst of it. Apparently there had been others, many others. I never had any idea. Okay, that kind of wasn’t true. I did have some inkling of what was going on but I didn’t want to believe it. So I just pretended it wasn’t real and carried on like I was the most important thing in his life. Only when I saw it actually happening with my own eyes, did the reality of the situation come crashing down on me.

My boyfriend was a cheating scumbag. That was the crux of it. He apologized, of course. He tried to pretend it was just the one time, that it didn’t mean anything to him, and it was a mistake. He also promised it would never happen again but I knew that was a lie too. In my heart, I knew it was all a lie. I left him that day and started my spiraling descent.

So I couldn’t control my boyfriend or my relationship, but I could control what I ate. I became obsessive over it, thinking about every single piece of food I put into my mouth. That’s when the eating disorder really started in full force. One day, I decided that I didn’t really have to eat at all. I could survive on half an apple a day, easy. That would show Braydon.

It was stupid, looking back at it now, but at the time it was the most consuming thing I had ever done. Everything became about what I ate. Every thought I had involved food and I couldn’t stop it. Not until I went into hospital, anyway.

So standing there with Braydon now, it was hard to remember all the good things without the bad. They were intrinsically linked.

“Hey, Brierly,” he said, stopping me mid-stride. I knew I should have run away from him instead of walked.

“What, Braydon?” I turned, sighing. I had no patience for him, despite how awesome he looked. I wouldn’t be fooled by those burning green eyes again.

“I was wondering if you want to grab some dinner or something tonight? You know, before you leave?” His deep, gravelly voice was just as sexy as everything else about him. How many times had he lied to me with that voice? Told me he loved me when he was sleeping with someone else? Promised me we would be together forever and always?

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” If I didn’t walk away now, I wouldn’t be able to. I would no doubt do something incredibly stupid like
jump into his arms or worse. I knew I had to put distance between us. A year of touring was suddenly looking very appealing.

“Two friends, catching up. What’s wrong with that?”

“You know why. Seriously.”

He looked a bit taken aback. Good. I should have kicked him in the groin and run, that would have been justice. “
Look, I’m really sorry, Brier. I heard about everything that happened, did you get my flowers at the hospital?”

I probably did but tore the card into a thousand shreds with the last of my energy. Or someone intervened and made sure I never saw them. “Probably, I don’t know. I got a lot of flowers.”

“That’s good,” Braydon said, like it was a surprise that people might care enough about me to send flowers. “I really wish you’d let me buy you dinner. Or even coffee. I miss you, Brier.”

He always used my name when he wanted me to do something. And most of the time I was dumb enough to fall for it. Not anymore. “I’m busy. I’ll see you around.”

This time, I didn’t let him stop me. I ignored the words that escaped his mouth and left him alone in the confectionary aisle. I really wanted to turn around and see if he was still watching me but I didn’t. After everything that happened, I needed to keep the tiny shred of dignity that I had left. It might have only been small, but I still had it. He couldn’t take everything away from me.