Songbird (24 page)

It was the time in the show where I
introduced the band. I went to the top of the stage and stood next to Ace. “Give it up for the mighty Ace on the drums.” The girls in the audience squealed as Ace wailed on the drum kit, taking his moment to shine.

I sauntered over to Luke and Ronan before moving onto Marty. “And we’ve got Marty on the guitar. Take it away, Marty.”

He strummed like there was no tomorrow, doing a few riffs that would make any rock god envious of his mad skills. I danced along as more loud squeals filled the air. The audience were on fire, one of the loudest I had heard on the whole tour.

The introductions didn’t go for long enough, it felt like I was missing someone. I looked around at the faces, all happily playing their instruments and waiting for me to move on.

The realization that I was missing Forest hit me hard. I always left his introduction for last because I knew he liked to play a tune that went for a little longer than everyone else. He loved the song, it was always fun watching him enjoy playing it.

I was speechless. Tears stung my eyes as I stood there in front of the entire audience without a thing to say. This was the moment when I was about to break down. And I had forty thousand witnesses to my downfall.

C
hapter Twenty-Five

I
stumbled over my words for a moment as I tried to recover without anyone noticing. I blinked, trying to force away any hints of the lingering tears. Now was not the time to crumble, now was the time to be stronger than I had ever been before.

For just a second, I had let my true self be exposed and I couldn’t let that happen. Once I showed my vulnerability, I feared I wouldn’t be able to cover it up again.

“Okay, who’s having a good time?” I asked the audience. The noise was unbearable, even with my earpiece in. I guessed they were enjoying themselves. “Great, let’s keep it going.”

I gave the signal to the band and they immediately launched into my next song. I started singing on cue, hoping I still remembered all the words.

The rest of the show went by in a blur. By the time I said my final goodbyes, I was exhausted. I hurried backstage and refused to talk to anyone. I brushed past Ryan, ignored Demi, and headed for my dressing room.

I changed clothes and made a beeline for the exit, not even stopping to take off my makeup or thank the band like I normally did. I just wanted to get out of there, I needed fresh air more than I needed anything else.

My driver was already waiting for me. We sped off before anyone could catch up with me. I asked him to go directly to the hotel and use the quickest route possible.

I was glad when we finally arrived, it seemed like it took too long but I knew it wasn’t nearly as long as I thought it was. I hurried up to my room, barely still keeping it together. My plastic room key was held poised and ready to get inside. I slid it into the slot and breathed a sigh of relief.

Except it wasn’t dark like it should have been and the room wasn’t as empty as it should have been either. Forest’s head whipped around to look at me. I froze, unable to move. My head screamed to run but I didn’t have anywhere to go. The room was my only sanctuary, as least it was until two seconds ago anyway.

“Get out,” I said through gritted teeth.

He took a few steps toward me, I held up my hand to make him stop. “Brierly, you have to hear me out. You don’t know the whole story, you must-”

I cut him off. “I don’t have to do anything.
You
need to get out before I start throwing things. How did you even get in here?”

“You gave me a key.” Oh right, I forget that it was
less than twenty-four hours since we were rolling around naked in the bed together. It had been a long day, it felt more like a week.

When I had woken up that morning, everything had felt so perfect and right. It also felt real which I guess was my first mistake. Nothing in this business was real, not even love. Everything was an illusion, put on for spectators to talk about and buy into. The moment they looked away, the lights were turned off and the shadows came out.

Forest was a shadow. He had seemed so tangible and real but in the harsh light of the truth, he vanished. The guy I thought I loved, had declared my love to, had entwined my body with, was merely an illusion.

“Just get out,” I sighed.

“You had Demi fire me.”

I would have laughed if I wasn’t about to crumble into a thousand different pieces. “Of course I did. I already have one team member that wants to kill me, I don’t need your betrayal too.”

“I want a chance to explain.”

“You had ten weeks to explain,” I replied. I crossed my arms and looked away from him. I couldn’t hold his gaze, it was too painful. Those deep brown eyes looked as hurt as I felt. “Tell me you aren’t married and I’ll give you a chance.”

He hesitated as he tried to formulate a response. It was the only answer I needed. Forest couldn’t deny he was married because it was true. Demi had seen the evidence in black and white, he had already confirmed it at the Superdome, only a miracle would be able to erase the truth now.

“Just like I thought,” I continued. “Now, get out.”

“Okay, I’m technically married. I never said I wasn’t when you asked me.” He sounded desperate now. All the traces of his usual cool exterior were completely gone. It was like he was two different people. The guy I used to know, and the guy I didn’t know at all. “But it’s not what you think. I had to get married, it wasn’t because I was in love with her. We’re married on paper only.”

“Do you have any kids?” I asked, my voice as cold as stone.

“No, of course not. We’re not together. Brierly, I just-”

I was done listening to his excuses. “You know what? I don’t even care anymore. Leave and never come back.
” I pointed to the door, stepping away from it so he had plenty of room to leave.

I felt his eyes burning into me but I refused to look at him. The wall was suddenly so much more interesting than anything he had to show me. I briefly wondered what I would do if he didn’t go. He was bigger than me, it wasn’t like I could forc
e him to go. He had never shown me any violence before so there was no reason for me to think he would start now but the thought still crossed my mind.

Finally, I heard rather than saw him leave. His footsteps padded over to the exit and the door gave a soft thud as he closed it behind himself.

I let out the breath I was holding and slumped against the side table. My hands were shaking as I rubbed my forehead. That was going to be the last time I ever saw him. He was probably stalking back to the room he shared with Ace and packing his things. Demi probably sprung for a plane ticket to take him home so he could catch the first flight back. He’d probably catch another gig with another singer before long. He’d be out of Los Angeles before I had the opportunity to return home.

It was probably a good thing I wouldn’t have to see him again. I guess that was one good thing about being on tour
, it wasn’t like I could put together a box of his things that he would have to awkwardly collect one day. It was a clean break, crystal clear.

The thought only made me feel more hollowed than before. Forest had managed to accomplish what two-thirds of a bottle of vodka couldn’t. I was numb now, the pain gone and leaving me like a zombie.

I stumbled over to the bed and lay down. My tears had run out, my pain was dulled. The room felt as empty as my life now. I would allow myself one night to feel sorry for myself and I would return the smile to my face tomorrow. Nobody liked a sad pop star.

When the next morning came, I was still trying to convince myself of that. I had popped some headache pills to deal with my hangover and sucked on some vitamin B tablets. I would have done anything to stop the pounding in my head.

The beautifully hot New Orleans morning was far too bright for someone who had a breakdown only the previous day. I was seriously starting to regret drinking so much, like that hadn’t been obvious the night before during the concert.

Over breakfast with Demi I scoured the newspaper for reviews of the concert. I couldn’t find any, which probably meant they weren’t so good and Demi had censored it already. Perhaps that was a good thing, I
was more delicate than I pretended.

We left New Orleans for the next city and continued the tour like nothing had happened. Days turned into weeks and things returned to a somewhat normal pace.

Demi had taken it upon herself to hire a new guitarist. Marty stepped up to play lead which meant we could hire someone a little less experienced than Forest to play second.

When she had turned up with a scrawny blonde woman one day and announced she was our new band member, I thought she was joking. She wasn’t. And that girl, Elisa, could play like nobody’s business.

I pretended not to notice Demi’s blatant message at hiring a female. She sure found someone I couldn’t fool around with and go crazy over again. I wasn’t into girls, even ones that could play a riff like a rock god.

Although… no, I definitely wasn’t ready to switch teams yet. I liked men, despite the way they always found the worst possible way to break my heart. I liked the way they smelt, the way their hands were always rough, and the way they pretended not to care in a way that screamed that they did, indeed, care.

As the stretch of highway whizzed past outside the tour bus, all I could think of was Forest. Every thought wanted to wander back to him, reminding me of everything I loved about him. My traitorous brain wouldn’t let me forget and I wanted to erase it more than anything else.

I flicked through the photos on my phone as music played in my ear buds. I slowed down when I reached the photos of For
est and I. Our cheeks were smooched up together, our smiles as wide as the Grand Canyon, and our eyes were bright with happiness. There had to be at least a dozen photos all exactly the same. The only difference was the backgrounds – Orlando, Miami, Little Rock, the list went on like a map of our adventures.

God, I missed him. Up until the end he had been so wonderful. There wasn’t a part of myself I wouldn’t have shared with him. There was nothing I would
have denied him. How the hell had it all gone so bad? How could he have been hiding the fact he was married for so long?

For the first few weeks, I had blamed myself. I should have asked him more questions, I should have done some research
so I didn’t get unexpected surprises like that. I should have protected myself, held at least something back so I wouldn’t hinge everything on him.

The next few weeks I blamed him. He shouldn’t have played me for a fool. He shouldn’t have hidden something so huge from me. He shouldn’t even have been messing around with me when he had a wife back home.
Wife
, that word still sent a shiver down my spine.

Now, I just missed him. It wasn’t the same I-want-to-kill-myself hurt like it was with Braydon. When I was with Forest, he showed me that I was somebody worth being. He made me feel strong and worthy of whatever the world had to offer me. Braydon never did that. Without Braydon, I felt worthless and wrong. I resorted to harming myself because I was nothing.

Whether it was intentional or not, Forest left me a better person than he had found me. The realization of that went a great deal toward healing from the pain. Perhaps things did happen for a reason. Perhaps Forest wasn’t meant to be in my life forever, just long enough to teach me what a real relationship might feel like.

It didn’t stop me missing him though. Sometimes I would still wake up in the middle of the night and reach for him. When my hand only groped thin air, the memory would come crashing back and I would lie back again – alone.

He had tried to call on several occasions, I ignored them all. I stopped picking up my voicemail messages too, just in case he had left something there before hanging up in frustration. Text messages were deleted before they were read. I was trying so hard to get over him but he wasn’t making it easy.

Each time I saw his name and photo come up unexpectedly on my caller ID, a jolt of dread would run through me. I had to take his photo off his contact and I changed his name to
Do Not Go There
. It didn’t change anything. I still went there mentally.

The only good thing about the last few weeks was that I hadn’t received any more horrible scratched-out photographs of myself. I was death threat free for weeks now. The timing kind of made me wonder if Forest was behind the threats in the first place. It didn’t make sense and he had no reason to do it, but nobody else came forward to admit to it. I shelved it as a one off and crossed my fingers it wouldn’t happen again. A small part of
me was still expecting something else to occur though.

Out in public I wore my mask. Not even Demi knew how much I was still hurting. As long as I greeted her with a smile every morning, she assumed I
had forgotten all about Forest. Nobody else dared bring up the subject. They accepted Elisa into the tour family and that was their answer about whether Forest was coming back or not.

“Hey, Brierly, some good news,” Demi said, sliding into the seat next to me
. I quickly closed the screen on my phone, hoping she didn’t see what I was looking at.

“Let’s hear it,” I replied happily. I could really
have used some good news, she had no idea.

She pulled up some details on her iPad and angled the screen so I could see. “Your charity is officially a registered charity. We can start taking donations and commence all the projects we talked about.”

That
was
good news, probably the best news I could get apart from someone inventing a time machine. I had wanted to set up the charity to help other people with eating disorders. It was a small way to spread some of the help I received last year.

Many people that suffered like I did didn’t have access to good medical help. If I hadn’t gone to the hospital that
specialized in eating disorders, I had no doubt I would be dead by now. They saved my life but not everyone was that lucky. Hopefully, through my charity, I would be able to help those that didn’t have access to the treatment.

I could make a real difference to real lives, I could help people. That is what I wanted to focus on, not all the scandal and gossip the media wanted me to be entangled in.