Song of the Fireflies (27 page)

Three years later…

Today, I’m a very different person than I once was. It’s so strange looking back on my life, wondering how I managed to get through any of it in one piece. I truly am one of the luckiest people in the world. Not only because I have Elias in my life, but because I survived two and a half suicide attempts. Not many people can say that. I’m not sure what made
me
so special, what gave me the right to live when so many others who deserved a shot at life more than I ever did, lost their battle on the first try. But whatever it was, I’ll always be grateful.

I know that I never would’ve made it through anything if it weren’t for Elias and his unconditional and unwavering love for me. He, in every sense of the word, was
everything
to me. He was my parents, my sister, my friends, and the love of my life. He was my conscience, my will, and my direction.

Today, Elias is still all of those things. Even though I have a great relationship with my sister now and my father has finally started acting like one. I have the best friend in the world, Grace, who lives less than ten minutes from Elias and me. My mother calls me twice a week and we actually spend time together, doing things that mothers and daughters do. It took most of my life to feel like I had a family other than Elias, but now that I do, I couldn’t be happier.

But like I said, I really am a different person.

I wake up every morning next to Elias¸ thankful that the person I used to be, as damaged as she was, was never strong enough to chase him away. And when I crawl out of the bed in the mornings and stand in front of the bathroom mirror, I look at that girl staring back at me, and for the first time in my life, I
like
her. I understand her. I’m not ashamed of her.

I smile as I look at myself, then grab my toothbrush and get ready for the day. Elias has been marking the calendar for three weeks, counting down the days to something he refuses to tell me. I waltz into our tiny kitchen and spin around dramatically, modeling my new summer dress, white with little straps over my light sun-kissed shoulders.

“Overdressed? Underdressed? What do you think?” I ask, grinning at Elias, who is sitting at our small, round two-person kitchen table.

He shakes his head and gulps down the last of his orange juice. “Nope. Not gonna happen,” he says. “Quit trying to get hints out of me.”

“Oh come on,” I whine playfully and walk toward the refrigerator. “That’s not going to give anything away.”

“Give up, Bray.” He laughs and pushes his chair underneath the table.

“Fine,” I say, surrendering. “Did you talk to dad?”

Elias nods and rinses his plate off at the sink. “Yeah, he called while you were in the shower. He said your mom will be home about an hour after we get there. Not sure I like that.”

I roll my eyes and smile at him as I close the refrigerator. “Give him a chance, babe. He can handle it.”

“I dunno,” Elias says, shaking his head solemnly. “He always has that nervous look in his eye. The whole time we’re gone I’ll be worried your dad will be hiding in the closet when we get back.”

I laugh out loud and set the juice container back in the fridge. “He’ll be fine,” I say. “Mom will be back before it comes to that.”

Elias steps up to me and fits his hands on my hips. “The dress is perfect for the occasion. Just so you know,” he says with a smile in his voice.

I smile and look down at it briefly. “Really?”

He nods and then kisses my forehead.

“OK, well let’s get out of here,” I say, grabbing my purse from the cabinet. “Plane leaves in an hour.” I drink down my juice and leave the glass on the counter.

We fly to Athens, and my sister picks us up from the airport and drives us to my parents’ house. Dad is sitting in the living room watching old reruns of
Cheers
, trying to look casual, when we walk through the front door.

When he gets up from his favorite chair, I walk straight over and hug him tight. “Hi, Dad.”

He kisses the top of my head and rubs my back with both hands. “It’s good to see you,” he says and then squeezes me a little tighter. It still feels awkward when he treats me with such fatherly kindness, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Rian moves through the room and heads straight into the kitchen. She had been talking about leftover homemade cheesecake that Mom had promised to save for her, on the ride here. She was worried dad might’ve eaten it before she arrived.

“And it’s good to see you, Elias,” Dad says with a welcoming nod.

A smile breaks out on my face. They actually get along now, though in the beginning it felt like walking on eggshells every time we’d visit my parents. Gradually, the two of them shed their grudges and came to an understanding.

They exchange a few more words, and then my dad steps up to Elias and reaches out both hands. “And how’s my favorite grandson doing?” he says with a big, awkward smile, looking down at our son in Elias’s arms. He never was good with children.

Elijah, a year old in a few days, with dark hair and bright blue eyes just like mine and his daddy’s, makes a timid face and recoils against Elias’s chest.

Dad’s hands drop to his sides. He makes a face, too, though it’s funny to me because he seems more afraid of Elijah than Elijah is of him.

“He doesn’t like me,” he says, nervously fondling the thick silver watch on his right wrist. “Maybe you should wait until your mom gets here before you head back to Savannah.”

I reach out for Elijah, and he practically leaps into my arms. “Oh don’t be ridiculous, Dad. He’s just not used to you. Only sees you once a month.” I put Elijah into my dad’s arms.

Dad holds Elijah, keeping his little butt (dressed in OshKosh B’Gosh blue jeans) propped in the bend of his arm. He looks nervous.

Elias glances over at me, an uneasy yet laughable look on his face.

Just when Dad thinks he might be able to pull this off, Elijah bursts into tears, reaching out his little arms to me.

Dad uses the opportunity and immediately hands him over.

Rian comes back into the living room holding a slice of cheesecake on a small white plate. “He’s walking now,” she teases dad, then takes another small bite off the end of her fork. “You think you can keep up?” She glances at me, and then Elias, trying to contain her laughter.

I pass Elijah to Elias and open the diaper bag on the couch. I explain everything Dad needs to know to hold him over until Mom gets here.

I know Dad can handle it. And Elias isn’t as afraid to leave him with dad as he pretends to be. According to Mom, Dad does a much better job with Elijah when there’s no one staring at him, or teasing him about changing diapers and whatnot.

Elias and I stay for only a few minutes, then Rian drives us back to the airport so we can make our return flight to Savannah. I’m so excited. And nervous. Whatever this surprise is that Elias has for me, it must be pretty special, because he’s been walking on air for the past three weeks. He was even the one who called my parents up and made the arrangements to have Elijah spend the weekend with them. Neither I nor Elias like leaving our son overnight anywhere, even with family, but we know that for some occasions we just have to let go. Apparently, this was one of them.

“I miss Little Man already,” Elias says on the plane.

I look at him. “Are you
really
worried?”

Elias laughs lightly and shakes his head. “Maybe only for your dad.”

I laugh, too.

Silence lingers between us for a moment as we both look out in front of us.

“Elias?” I ask quietly, looking over again.

“Yeah?” He smiles softly at me with the back of his head pressed against the seat.

“Do you remember that night at Jen’s house? When we talked about whether or not we’d go back in time if we could?”

“Yeah, I remember,” he says. He takes my hand and laces his fingers through mine.

“Well, you were right,” I say.

“About what?” He raises his head from the seat.

I squeeze his hand. “You said that when we were free to live our lives and enjoy our time together that I wouldn’t feel the same way. That I wouldn’t want to go back to our childhood. You were right.”

His blue eyes brighten. “I’m glad that I was,” he says and kisses my knuckles.

We make it back to Savannah by early evening and drive our car from the airport to the place I’ve been wanting to take her for weeks. I took a risk doing this without her, especially since it’s not something small and inexpensive. And a part of me is still worried that the whole idea might backfire, that instead of making her happy, it might bring back bad memories instead. But I have to go with my gut. With my heart. And my heart tells me that there were many more good memories than bad and that she’ll love it.

“Are you ready?” I ask, taking Bray by the hand to help her out of the car.

She raises the other hand to her face and adjusts the blindfold over her eyes.

“Now don’t try to peek,” I say.

“I’m not!” she laughs. With my help, she stands up beside the car door, curling her fingers over the top of the door to have something to hold on to. “It’s not even my birthday.”

I shut the car door and pull her carefully beside me as we step onto the grass. “It doesn’t have to be,” I say and squeeze her hand.

Her lips spread into an even bigger smile. She grabs me with her free hand when her heels go over a bump in the ground. I cup her elbow in my hand to steady her walk.

“Well, you could’ve told me not to wear heels,” she says as she struggles to stay upright.

“Sorry, I didn’t think about that,” I say with a hint of a grin in my voice. “But something tells me you won’t need any shoes.”

It’s a hot summer evening, just like we like it. The night is approaching, but the light of the day is still barely holding on as the sky transitions into twilight. The fireflies are already out, twinkling off and on all around us. I walk with her hand in mine, guiding her farther out onto the land. I can feel how excited she is the way she clutches my hand. That huge, toothy smile beaming under the fabric of the blindfold. The joy in her voice.

When we get to a good distance, I stop and walk behind her, fitting my fingers on the blindfold knot.

“Oww! Be careful.”

“Sorry, babe,” I say and try the knot more carefully so I don’t pull her hair.

Finally, the knot comes loose, and I let the blindfold drop from her eyes. She gasps and stares unblinking out at the massive field with trees on all sides. A large pond with a dock sits off to the east with a cluster of trees behind it. Her fingertips dance over her lips.

“What…” She looks over at me. “What
is
this?”

I smile. “It’s
ours
. I’ve been saving up for a down payment since the day I started my roofing job three years ago. Got a bank loan for the rest. It’s all ours. All thirty-two acres of it.” I point in the distance toward the woods. “And just over there is a creek.”

Her fingers begin to tremble, still resting over her lips.

“I’m going to build our house here,” I add, taking her into my arms, wrapping them around her from behind.

Her tears start to flow and she makes a cute snort-choking sound when she tries to force them back. I turn her around and pull her into a hug.

“A new beginning, remember?” I say and squeeze her gently within my arms. I kiss the side of her head and rub the palms of my hands up and down her bare arms.

She sniffles and wipes the tears away from her eyes. “I can’t believe you did this.”

A little worried she isn’t reacting the way I had hoped, I ask, “Are you… upset?”

She lifts her face away from my chest and looks into my eyes, shaking her head as a few new tears roll down her cheeks.

“No,” she says with a faint hint of disbelief in her voice. “This is… it’s… I just love you so much!” She jumps into my arms, wrapping her arms around the back of my neck, her thighs wrapped around my waist. Her lips kiss my face all over, even my eyelids and the little hollow under my nose. I squeeze her tight.

“You were right again,” she says and breaks the hug, setting her feet back on the ground. She bends over and grins at me.

“About what this time?”

She slips off her heels. “About not needing shoes.”

Then she shoves me in the chest with the palms of her hands and knocks me right on my ass in the grass, then takes off running. The sound of her laughter carries on the breeze.

For a moment I just watch her, a brief moment suspended in time that I want to cherish forever. I watch as her dark hair wafts behind her and bounces majestically against the back of her thin white dress. The way her soft, lithe legs run gracefully over the tall, prickly grass, and the brilliance of the fireflies blinking all around her. I watch how the twilight casts shadows on her smiling face when she looks back at me, and I get lost in the moment just before I take off after her.