Somewhere Over the Rainbow, I've Lost My Damn Mind: A Manic's Mood Chart (25 page)

By this point, I’d decided that I should start writing about my mania experiences and had the idea of how to do it, but for some reason I was walking out of the gym, wanting some sign to tell me that I should do it. Well, let’s just say that answer was quickly given to me, because the entire ride home I only saw the color blue, and I mean saw it everywhere. It started with a girl sitting in the car next to me, rockin’ aviators, and blue glass paint with
my
name in her back window; and then a blue bus over there, a blue sign here, and everyone around only wearing shades of blue. Then all of a sudden I saw two police officers (that’s right, believe it or not, they
are
wearing blue) cruising around on their Segways. OK, how many cops have you seen on Segways? Other than the ones at the mall, who are security guards and not cops, I mean I’ve seen like none. I started getting pumped up and excited, laughing and dancing all the way back to my apartment, knowing that I’d just seen my “sign.” I sat down and started writing.

Session

JP: So by chance, can you remember any other color themes in your mania?

DT: Well, I was the color green in my mania, and I think it symbolized a new beginning or something crazy like that. My friends and emotions would also be represented by colors, and I recall my mania or evil being symbolized by the color black. I would constantly change what I was wearing to try and disguise which emotion I was actually feeling at the time. Wow, thanks for opening up that can of worms for me there, JP.

JP: You’re welcome.

DT: I was being sarcastic.

JP: I don’t care.

KEY TERMS:
CYCLING, “INFORMER,” TRIGGERS, ROCKY ROAD

Submitted on 6/16/09

Orange

In the past week or so, I’ve managed to somehow lose my debit card, job, parking garage entry card, and my mind. OK, OK, that may be a bit of an exaggeration, but starting out this entry with that line was irresistible; I mean, it has everything to get you hooked in.

There are the subtle, normal everyday occurrences of misplacing your debit card (or leaving it in the ATM machine Saturday night around midnight because I just
had
to beat the crowd to the bar) as well as the misplacing of the parking garage entry card. I was able to accomplish the latter in a mere six hours, a new record for myself considering it never leaves my vehicle. Then add in the dramatics of losing both my mind and job. I need to explain that I didn’t really lose my job but rather made the decision to resign. I should also clarify that I didn’t really lose my mind, but had probably the closest thing to another episode since Denver. You must admit, though, that these aren’t nearly as climactic as my opening statement was.

I did have a couple of days last week when I was cycling so severely that I actually was a little scared. And I’m not talking about the spin classes at your local Y on Monday nights cycling either, though I can appreciate the fear involved in that as well. I’m referring to going from manic back to normal back to manic to some sort of weird low emotion back to manic to normal, over a course of a couple of days. To try and explain better: I would go from dancing my butt off in the middle of the living room, jamming to Snow’s “Informer” (yes, I know, simply classic track) to crying my eyes out in the bathroom to running around The Nasty paranoid that I was being watched. Ya know, a typical case of the Mondays.

I was told that there could be triggers throughout my life that could send me into a manic state, or worse, another episode. Well, I guess I found one. This actually came in the form of my job; I had tried to go back to doing a similar job in a smaller telecom company. The funny thing (well, at least I have to laugh at it because I’m not sure how else to handle it) is there’s no guidebook or directions on how to live with BMD (that I’ve found that are worth a damn).

While there seem to be similarities (or at least I’ve found similarities from a little research) with what others experience during mania, no one taken the time to actually study this and would rather try to “fix” the problem by drugging you beyond comprehension (hmmm, I’ll pass). So really the only way to figure out if something is going to work is to do it, wait, and see what happens. Trying to go back to a similar work environment and a similar job just wasn’t in the cards, and my mind let me know that.

The good news is that as soon as I separated myself from the triggering factors I was experiencing at work, my mania came back into check. I regained control (as much as I can have, I guess) and feel really good again. It was difficult for me to quit my job as I was doing so well, and I struggle with saying or demonstrating that I’m not able to do something. As difficult as that is, there’s no doubt I would have ended up back in the hospital if I hadn’t taken the necessary steps to separate myself from those triggers at work. I guess I’m just learning to deal with all of this. It’s a rocky road, but at least there is a road.

Session

JP: Bipolar triggers are behaviors and outside events that lead to bipolar disorder symptoms. These triggers can be positive or negative. Some common triggers are alcohol and drug abuse, stressful work, travel, relationship problems, social isolation, and medication side effects. It’s a good idea to track your own triggers to effectively manage them.

DT: I think the stressful work environment is one of my major triggers, but that’s just one of many that I’m still working on.

JP: Taking on accountability and initiative in this will undoubtedly pay dividends throughout your treatment, getting you closer to living as happy and healthy a life as possible despite bipolar disorder. This is a great achievement, Derek, and one you should be very proud of.

KEY TERMS:
CHILLS, JOHNNY DEPP, FARMHOUSE, COPPERS

Submitted on 6/25/09

Orange

How much do you like the feeling you get when you’re in the middle of a dream and you’re falling, falling, falling just waiting to hit the ground, when all of a sudden you wake up and those chills run up and down your spine? I for one love that feeling. It’s like I’m seeing my death about to happen right in front of my eyes, and then I find myself completely safe and sound, lying in my own bed. I usually lie in bed and try to collect my thoughts after those chills, and at that point I would say I feel as alive as in any other moment.

I read somewhere (in a book) that if for some reason you don’t wake up from the dream during that fall and hit the ground, you die; that if you die in any way in any of your dreams, you actually cease to live. Now, how they would be able to know that, seeing how if you die in your sleep, you can’t tell someone what you were dreaming about? I’ll leave that for you to ponder. If that little factoid was true, I’d say that I’d have died at least four times since last March.

My most recent dream like this happened a couple of nights ago. I’ll flip it on your ass here a little bit and drop some foreshadowing: I should be dead twice over. Since I can recall, I’ve always had vivid dreams that I can usually remember in detail. However, I was never killed in my dreams until after my episode, and since then I’ve been shot, stabbed, beaten, and sliced to death. This last dream had started with me riding around with Johnny Depp, when all of a sudden he pulled a gun on me. It seems that we had just been set up, and that we were also some kind of gangsters (probably because I just saw the trailer for
Public Enemies
) in the 1930s, and now we were racing back to our hideout/home/my childhood farmhouse (makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?). I did somehow convince Johnny that it wasn’t me who set him up, and now we were speeding around South Chuck trying to escape from the coppers.

The next thing I can remember, we were driving on a farm and looking for a bridge to cross the creek to get over to my farmhouse. We slowed down, and all of a sudden a cop jammed his shotgun through the back window. When I turned to look,
boom
--shot right in the chest. Now, I’m no doctor, but I would imagine taking a shotgun blast in the chest from a foot away would be life-threatening, so if the aforementioned dream-death theory is true, I shouldn’t be alive.

This is when it gets really weird (like it’s not already). My dream paused for an instant, as if my life paused, so I thought I was dead. This lasted about a few seconds (or what I can try to guess are seconds) when suddenly I was on my knees, being yelled at to lift my arms by the coppers, but due to the buckshot in my chest I was unable to do so. Johnny Depp and the driver of our car were yelling at me to not give up any information and explaining that we were just in a wreck and that was the reason for my injuries. I ignored Johnny (mistake) and told the cops it was him; for what, I don’t know, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. So now I had Johnny Depp wanting to kill me. Scary stuff.

Anyhow, like in any good gangster flick, we somehow escaped from the cops and ran down the creek bed, looking for a place to cross. I asked Johnny why the cops were trying to kill me, and his response was:

“
For the same reason I am.”

I instantly became fearful for my life again and jumped into the creek. Johnny followed, and the next thing I knew, I was being drowned by Johnny Depp in the creek that runs beside my old childhood farmhouse.

I woke up.

I have to shake my head and laugh at this ridiculous dream and try to explain that being killed in your dreams doesn’t mean you die in real life (I think, but everyone pinch themselves to make sure).

Session

JP: There has been research about dreams and their relationships with people suffering from bipolar disorder. A particularly interesting piece of data is from a study by Beauchman and Hays: they found that bipolar patients report bizarre dreams with death and injury themes before their shift to mania. Let’s see, this entry was at the end of June’09, and when did your second episode occur?

DT: November/December of that same year. That’s definitely what was going on because those types of dreams occurred throughout the year. It’s so crazy that there are so many commonalities and similarities uncovered in studies of people with bipolar disorder, but still no real clue about what it is.

JP: It’s a complex disorder, but with the increasing efforts, research, and medical studies, I’m sure breakthroughs will occur.

DT: Now I think you’re the one who’s dreaming, JP. I don’t think you can uncover what’s not meant to be found.

JP: Why, aren’t we the insightful philosopher today?

DT: Thanks. I’ve been working on that one for a while now, hoping to get it in the book at some point.

KEY TERMS:
SKIRTS, GLIMPSES, THEY, POST-IT NOTE

Submitted on 10/08/09

Orange

First and foremost, I would like to take some time and thank the residents of Athens, Georgia for welcoming JD and me over the past weekend. It’s not the easiest thing to make a Yank feel welcome in the South, and I truly appreciate the effort. I mean, asking that all the ladies wear dresses for the UGA game in our honor was more than any one man can ask for. I even saw a few wearing cowboy boots and skirts. Thank you so much.

Now, back to my original train of thought, or as close to it as possible, as I am now having issues with focusing on anything but the Southern belles from the weekend. While driving back from the ATL this weekend, I experienced glimpses back into my past at times (not weird at all). Not necessarily visions or anything cool like that, but a sign, song, car, conversation or billboard would make me recall things, like placing Post-it note reminders in my mind. At times, these occurrences would bring back to light a feeling or idea I had during my episode. For most of the time I was manic in Denver, my memory is gone; not sure if that’s for my own good, but I think I’m thankful for it. The common themes and overall objective during my episode are there, but my day-to-day or hour-to-hour activities are lost. However, from time to time, like on this drive, something will pop into my head that I can relate to instantaneously.

Sometimes when this happens, it can get a little confusing and scary. Say for a split second, I’m convinced
they
are following me and I’m failing. And then at times it can be pretty fun. If you’ve ever had that feeling right after a crash seems imminent but somehow you miss it, you can relate. The chills and tingles are running up and down your spine and your scalp, and you feel like you cheated death. That feeling is pretty cool; at least for a crazy person like me, it is. These feelings usually pass after a few seconds, and then I’m good with my day, but then there are the bathroom times.