Somewhere in Between (23 page)

Gemma watched Elliot walk out of her room, a frown on her face. He had started to say something, something she had a feeling she'd both like and fear, but then he stopped. And the look of terror on his face made her wonder what was going on. Running a hand across her face, she knew what it sounded like he was going to say, and part of her really wanted to hear it. A part of her really hoped she wasn't just reaching for something that wasn't there.

Falling back onto her bed, a heavy sigh left her lips. Tonight was rough. Her mind was full of words of wisdom from her doctor, and now news of who had hurt her. She wished she could just turn off her brain for a while and not have to think about anything too serious. Rolling onto her side, she gazed out the window, seeing the moon breaking through the clouds. "Why does everything have to be so complicated now?"

*LtB*

He drove as fast as he could to get home. His mind was full of chaos. He was so close tonight. He was so close to telling Gemma he loved her, the words begging to fall from his lips. And when she brushed her lips against his cheek, it would have been so easy to turn his head and feel them brush against his lips. And he'd wanted to. God, how he’d wanted to. While his heart was working love out of his mouth, his brain had decided it would be okay to kiss her right then and there. But he didn't do either. He'd stopped himself.

And stopping himself was so hard to do. It was like denying his lungs air to breathe.

It was ridiculous really. He knew Gemma didn't have this problem when liking him. He knew she couldn't have been fighting off these desires, these overwhelming urges once she discovered her feelings for him. And thinking about why that was made said desires fade. She didn't act on or have these type of thoughts because he was mentally unavailable to her and she wouldn't put herself out there like that when she truly believed he couldn't see past an illusion. The fast beat of his heart at his feelings for Gemma plummeted as his heart dropped into his stomach.

He wanted her so badly. And not badly as in sexually, because although the idea turned him on exponentially, and being that he was a teenaged boy who did want to have sex, he just wanted to be with Gemma. And his stupidity was making that so very hard to accomplish.

"What are you thinking so hard for?"

It was his mom, standing in the doorway to the kitchen, a sandwich in her hand. He hadn't even realized he was home and inside the house. He had no idea how he managed to get home let alone get out of the car and walk inside. "What?"

She just laughed at him. "You look like you're trying to concentrate really hard on something." The light left her voice suddenly. "Wait, what happened?"

Shaking his head, Elliot focused on his mom. "They uh, they know who hurt Gemma."

"They do? Were they arrested?"

"No. I guess she's not the only girl they've hurt. There is a manhunt going on with the FBI to find them. There are a couple states involved," Elliot responded quietly. "But they at least know who now, so I guess that's good."

Grace nodded, but cocked her head to the side. "That's not what you were thinking about though, is it?"

Damn moms always knowing things. "No."

Motioning for him to follow, Grace disappeared into the kitchen. She set a plate down in front of him of cookies once he was seated. "Start talking."

*LtB*

Friday was a half day. No one noticed the unmarked police car sitting in the parking lot, or the one sitting at the entrance to the road that lead to the school. No one noticed them and if they did, no one knew they were there as a protective measure to keep Gemma, and everyone else safe. No one knew the cars followed Gemma everywhere she went, not even Gemma, because Andrew had made it a point to have someone keeping an eye on his daughter until the three were caught. He wasn't taking any chances.

However, Gemma was too distracted to notice anything.

"What do you want to do this afternoon?" Elliot asked as he sat in the driver's seat of his car, his eyes staring straight ahead. Since talking to his mom the night before, he knew he needed to say something to Gemma before he did something he regretted, like let his hormones hijack his pants in front of her.

However, things were already feeling strained. Especially since Gemma had barely uttered a word to him from the moment he picked her for school, all the way to now. He wanted to believe it had everything to do with the Detective’s visit the night before, and the information they brought with them, but Elliot knew. He could feel it in his marrow that this was more than that, that the strain ran deeper. He just couldn’t figure out what had brought it on. Unless he had become obvious in his feelings….

For Gemma, she knew, given the way her mind was playing with her emotions and confusing her dreams in regards to Elliot that she needed to tell him at least something. It was weighing too heavily on her mind, and if she could release this stress, maybe the other stresses wouldn't be so bad. Although she was terrified of actually losing Elliot, so there was that to contend with. Still, she didn’t want to drag this on to the point where she accidentally pushed him away and ended up losing him anyway. "Is anyone going to be at your house?"

He was slightly befuddled her request as he thought for a moment. Christie was heading to the shelter. His dad was at work, and his mom…. "No. Everyone is out. You wanna go there?"

Gemma nodded, her nerves spiking. "Yeah."

Swallowing hard, knowing he would be completely alone with Gemma, and in his home where there were beds and privacy and too many fantasies playing through his teenage mind. Elliot started his car, and started driving toward his house.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

The house was quiet. And the silence seemed to be deafening. He knew. He knew this wasn't just a regular visit, that there was something going on. He knew it in their phone conversation the night before as they spoke before bed, in their drive to school this morning, and during their shared classes during that morning. There was a look of determination on Gemma's face that he didn't understand. But he knew it meant she needed to say something because she only ever looked that way when she was working up the nerve to say something, especially if she thought it would be embarrassing. But she didn't need to worry, because he needed to say some things too. He just hoped what she had to say wouldn't completely kill his ability to say what he needed to.

"Do you want something to drink? Something to eat?" he asked moving to the kitchen. The plate of cookies was gone, eaten during his heart to heart with his mom, and he wished he'd saved at least one to have something to offer.

"Just a water please?" Gemma asked still standing at the entryway. She was fidgeting, twisting her fingers together.

She was making him nervous but he tried to act normal. Beverage in hand, Elliot led Gemma up to his room for privacy. Just in case anyone came home, there’d be no audience.

They'd been in his room dozens of times, but everything about this was different. Walking into the large space, Gemma took in a deep breath and then took in the look of the room. The black and white theme had always mystified her, not understanding why boys always seemed to choose those colors, but seeing them now, the way the carpet reflected both colors and the bed bounced in contrast, it worked suddenly. Even the stained black oak desk in the corner sitting next to the windows that looked out toward the backyard seemed to flow seamlessly.

Moving to the black loveseat with white cushions, Gemma sat down stiffly, nervously. She fiddled with her water until Elliot sat beside her, his own nerves standing on end.

"There's something I wanted to talk to you about."

"I need to tell you something."

They both spoke at the same time. Laughing at themselves, Elliot ducked his head. "Sorry. Ladies first." In truth he wanted to lay his cards on the table and get it over with, but he didn't know what Gemma needed to say, and he could see it was trying to break out of her so he decided he could wait. At least a little bit longer. Sort of.

"This is going to sound so ridiculous, I'm sure. God, it's so embarrassing," she began, her right hand rubbing across her forehead. Gemma kept repeating in her mind her conversation with Dr. Archuleta, trying to take courage from the words spoken by the older woman. However, she was having a hard time getting there.

"Is it… is it bad?" Her face was bright red, but the way Gemma seemed to be fighting to get her words out made Elliot wonder if she wasn't embarrassed, but more uncertain how he would take her thoughts. He didn’t have to wait long to find out.

"It
killed
me to see you liking Trisha. Every time you mentioned her or looked her way when I was around, it tore me apart," she started, her filter falling away as everything she'd wanted to say before for so long, started to escape. "I couldn't understand it. One minute we're laughing and the next, you have stars in your eyes for someone who didn't even know who you were. And you were so
sure
. You were so sure you had a chance. And I let you. I encouraged you but not because I wanted it, or thought you were going to be with her, but because it seemed to appease you into silence about her. It was like ‘okay, Gemma agrees with me, it's going to happen then. We can move on to something else.’"

"What…?" Elliot did not know where this was coming from. Truthfully he was glad to hear it, glad to have Gemma tear into him finally because he deserved it, but this was not what he expected her to say.

"That day you started liking Trisha, that day at the carnival, I had a note in my pocket, because I'm
that
much of a loser and too chicken shit to say anything to your face," she continued on knowing if she stopped now, she'd regret it because she’d never get these words out. "And that note, it was telling you how much I liked you, and how much I wished you would like me back and that I want to be with you. I was going to give it to you after the night was over; it was practically burning a hole in my pocket. I was going to give it to you, run and hope you still spoke to me after you read it," she laughed sardonically. "But then…I didn't even know what happened. One minute… and then poof!

"So I shoved it down. I mean, I started liking you almost immediately after meeting you, you’re sweet and cute, but I hadn't really realized it until summer started and we were together so much. But I pushed it all aside, pushed it all away because I knew, I knew I didn't stand a chance in hell of even being close to your radar. Trisha was who you wanted. She was your dream girl. And I am …nothing. A nobody, really." She was silent for a second, catching her breath. "I felt so embarrassed at Homecoming and the big deal you had suddenly started making about it. I mean no one liked me, not even to go as friends, so I didn't get asked to the dance, not that I expected anyone to. But I'd hoped that maybe
you'd
want to go as friends, even if you were only going to pine over Trisha. But even then, you didn’t ask me so I didn’t know what to do. Lying seemed like the least embarrassing option at the time. The good it did me."

"I did want to go with you," he whispered, his heart breaking as he listened to Gemma's pain at his hand. She thought she was nothing when in reality she was everything.

"But you never said anything so I figured I wasn't even a blip in your peripheral anymore. I saw Ryan Matthews and Janey arguing again and heard him talking about just going to the movies at the Fairview. I didn’t think you really knew him very well, what harm could it do?" Tears were building in her eyes now. "By then, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I just couldn't be there. I couldn't go to the dance knowing you didn't want to be there with me, even if you'd asked me at that point, which was
way
past last minute, and watch you drool over Trisha. My heart could not handle seeing you like that knowing how I felt and how you just never would return those feelings."

"I gave up that ridiculousness that night at the dance,” he tried to argue though it was feeble at best. What was done was done, nothing was going to fix it. His eyes were downcast, his entire body vibrating with self-loathing. "I know how stupid I was. And I will forever be so very sorry for it."

"I didn't understand why I could be around you after…. I didn't understand why, even with you finding me, I was okay to be near you.” She shook her head, her thoughts tumbling faster than her tongue could nearly keep up. “You're my best friend, no matter what, and you saw me at my absolute worst and I
liked
you and that should mean you're the last person I want to be around. But yet, you were the only one."

It hurt his heart to hear her speak in the past tense in regards to her feelings. Maybe what she had to say to him was more of a goodbye. Maybe everything that had happened, it finally made her realize she couldn’t feel for him what she had, and it was time to move on from it, to free herself from it finally. That thought nearly crushed him. "Gemma…."

"Honestly, I still don't get it. But that's not the point," she carried on, ignoring his voice because if she stopped, she'd have an anxiety attack, her heart was beating so fast. "The thing is, I couldn't figure it out. The way I felt about you, I
still
feel that way. It doesn't make sense because I am absolutely
terrified
of the idea of being close to anyone, but I still feel that way about you. And I don't understand the way you've been acting around me because sometimes it feels like you like me back, that you feel the same about me as I did all throughout the summer. But I don't know if you feel what I want you to feel or if I'm projecting because I want you to feel it. Or is it just that you feel pity for me for what happened, because that would make sense. But then, some of your actions contradict that. I mean, you call me sweetheart, and beautiful, and you hold my hand and sometimes the look you have in your eyes says so much, and I don't know what any of it means! What does it mean, Elliot?"

She was breathing heavy, her words hanging between them as he tried to digest every single thing she'd confessed. She still liked him? She still
liked
him. She’d used present tense, had said
like
. He couldn't breathe. The swell of his heart had stolen his breath.

"Elliot?" her voice was small, wounded. He was just sitting there, staring at her blankly. But his silence might as well have been a shout. He had nothing to say back because there
was
nothing to say back. With a sigh, she shook her head. Dr. Archuleta was wrong, this was a mistake. "I can't believe I said all of that. Forget I said it. Oh God. I am so fucking stupid." She stood, gathering what was left of her pride, and started to head for the door knowing she was going to be walking home, which terrified her, unless she could get ahold of Leigh. She just hoped her tears would wait until Elliot was nowhere near her. She felt so stupid laying everything out like that. He probably would never speak to her again.

Feeling the rush of air as she brushed passed him snapped Elliot out of his stupor. "You like me? I mean now?" He wanted to laugh at his ridiculousness. But the sadness on her face, the way tears were welling up in her eyes exposing all her truths kept his laughter subdued. Instead, he pushed away any fear or trepidation and moved forward, answering her question. "It means I want you too."

"What?" she half hiccupped, half whimpered.

"I don't know if it's always been there, because when I think back, everything is so clear to me, so obvious. I mean I've always loved to be around you. And I figured it was because you were my friend and were fun to hang out with. But it's so much more than that because when I remember moments with you, like at the park that first time, I remember the way I felt about you." He'd started rambling, unable to stop once the words left. But that was okay, because this needed to be said. "I see it so perfectly, the way I couldn't help but notice how beautiful you looked, and how that took my breath away a little bit. But I didn't register it enough to realize that meant something more than just friendship because I am a complete moron that sees things that aren't there while completely missing the things that are.

"And Dr. Archuleta and my mother both say it's partially because I'm a guy, that I'm dense and I know I should be insulted by it but it's clearly the truth here so I can't be." He was nearly out of breath but still had so much to say. "And Gemma, these past few months, being with you, helping you, while the reason behind it is the worst and the most horrible thing ever, I have loved every second of it, of that time spent with you. It means everything to me. I can't wait to see you every day. And when the day ends, I hate the thought of saying goodbye to you so I insist on calling you before bed just to hear your voice and you are the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep and the first as soon as I wake up.

"And when I think about what those monsters did to you, how I could have lost you," his voice cracked at this part. "It rips me apart, because Gemma, I love you so fucking much I can hardly breathe." Taking Gemma's hands, he pulled her to him, his body so close it was almost touching hers. He was taking the biggest risk he'd ever taken and he only hoped it worked out in his favor. "I know about that note, and I am so sorry, with every fiber of my being, for putting you through that whole mess because I never wanted Trisha."

"You knew about the note?" She'd started to gasp for air, trying to figure out how everything seemed so topsy-turvy all of a sudden when he laid this news on her. In her mind, everything he had just said, every action he'd had for the past…however long, if he saw the note, did that mean he was faking all of it because of her foolishness in not destroying that piece of paper?

"Yeah, I saw it that night. When you went to shower, you told me to grab my clothes. The note was under them." He closed his eyes briefly, feeling embarrassed to discuss this and ashamed that he'd invaded her privacy like that. "It had my name on it, I was too curious for my own good. And I read how you felt, and I
knew
, I knew that I had been a complete asshole and so fucking
blind
."

She shook her head with force trying to step away. He didn't mean what he was saying. He'd seen the note, it was the night of her attack, this was just pity and guilt combining into what he thought were real feelings for her. "No, you don't mean it. If it wasn't for…if I hadn't been attacked, you'd still be after Trisha. If nothing had happened, you wouldn't even be with me right now. You’d still be trying win Trisha Scott!"

"No, Gemma, no," he said vehemently, trying to hang onto her. "That night, before I found you, before everything went to hell, I'd already figured things out. I was coming to find you to tell you that. I was coming to show you I wasn't lost in a delusion anymore and that I was so sorry for hurting you." He looked intensely into her eyes as he spoke his next words. "I was coming to tell you that it's you." It was the truth. He knew that now. If Gemma hadn't been attacked, he probably would have declared himself without his brain fully understanding until his heart could explain.

Gemma wasn't buying it. He could see that. There was only one more thing he could do. Slowly, with purpose and carefulness, Elliot lowered his mouth to hers knowing this could be a disaster, but not willing to hold back anymore. He told her he loved her. She didn't want to believe him. This was the next necessary step. She had to know he wouldn't do this if he wasn't telling the truth. He'd told her that once before.