Something Like Thunder (24 page)

Chapter Nine

Fear is a cavity that rots the soul, every waking instance tainted by decay. For an individual escaping the oppression of fear, the world seems transformed. Borders cease to exist, the horizon filling with limitless possibilities. Nathaniel had a taste of this when he first moved in with the Hubbards, but one fear was soon replaced by another. No longer fearing his brother’s unpredictable hate, he had instead feared Caesar’s unpredictable love. One person he had hoped to escape from, the other he had hoped would never leave.

Now, nearly two years later, Nathaniel rarely entertained hopes and fears. Being free from both had allowed him to grow strong. He still had plans for the future and felt optimistic about his prospects. Only his methods had changed. Hopes were too passive, fears too crippling. Action was the only way forward. He had begun that process when turning his life upside down for Caesar, and while that hadn’t panned out, Nathaniel had taken from the experience a blueprint for his future. Action led to movement, movement to change, and the change he sought was strength of body—so he continued to work out. Strength of mind—which he found in his studies. And strength of heart—which wasn’t so easy. The best way to temper the heart is through repeated use of it, a prospect Nathaniel tried not to entertain.

The silent lulls late at night were the hardest. That’s when he felt most alone. His living situation had improved. He had a private bedroom in a shared apartment, but in the darkest hours of the day, when standing at the window, he wished for more: a friend like Rebecca, who always made time for him, or maybe someone new who Nathaniel could love back. Hell, he even found himself missing Mr. Jung and his snoring. But mostly when he stared up at a black sky that seemed to reflect the emptiness inside him, he thought of only one person.

Caesar. The name was on the display of his cell phone tonight, Nathaniel tracing the letters with his thumb. He sometimes wondered if the number still led anywhere. Caesar’s life wasn’t a complete mystery. Nathaniel had seen photos of him on his high school’s wrestling site. Just two, one blurry with motion, the other a profile shot of him grabbing some other guy. Neither was satisfying, but the photos still made Nathaniel yearn. A little more online snooping revealed a MySpace page that included a few cocky comments and a not-so-becoming profile pic. That page was never updated. While not much, these things proved Caesar was still out there, had survived their breakup.

Nathaniel snorted and shook his head. Of course he had. Taking a swig of his beer, he turned from the window and set the bottle on the nightstand, intending to do the same with the phone. Instead he walked the room, ended up back at the window, and sighed. Then he looked down at the phone, his fingers moving, typing out words and hitting send before he could second-guess himself.

I never forgot you. I never will.

He held his breath for a minute, finishing his beer in the next. Then he sat on the edge of his bed and stared at the phone’s display. The digital numbers at the top seemed sluggish, changing much too slowly. Time continued to trudge by until Nathaniel tossed the phone onto the mattress and went to the bathroom to get ready for the night. When he returned, he ignored the phone as he got undressed. Only when he started to pull back the sheets was he forced to pick it up.

A new message. A reply! His breath caught in his throat as he read it.

I never stopped loving you. I never will.

Nathaniel felt torn. There they were, after all this time: the perfect parting words. Much better than how they had left things so long ago. No anger, no hurt. Just a bittersweet recognition of what they had felt for each other before they said goodbye.

But why should they? All the reasons they had failed were fading into history. His pulse raced as he tallied a mental list. Privacy? Nathaniel had plenty of that now. Parents? Caesar was nearly eighteen, an adult. His life would soon be his own. Yale? Nathaniel had been working hard to get there and still wasn’t sure it was possible. Maybe he just needed a little extra motivation. What else remained in their way?

A nagging suspicion, that’s what. An unanswered question. Nathaniel chewed his lip, slid between the sheets, and turned his back to the nightstand where he had set the phone. Half an hour later he rolled over and grabbed it, texting back.

A promise is a promise.

* * * * *

They met in a café downtown. Nathaniel chose the location carefully. The dining area was small, not big enough to escape the daylight streaming in from the front windows. The menu offered mostly soups and sandwiches, and from his experience, the staff was eager to get customers in and out quickly and efficiently. In other words, an environment not conducive to romance. Dinner out on a Friday night? Nope. Lunch on a Sunday afternoon would have to do.

The nagging suspicion was to blame. As was Nathaniel’s determination to remain strong. This resolve was tested as he sat by the window, watching the flow of pedestrian traffic. That’s when Nathaniel saw him, standing on the corner and looking up and down the street, no doubt searching for the right address. His skin was tan despite the early spring, his naturally highlighted hair had grown out again, tumbling down in waves that covered his ears and helped frame his pointed chin. No ponytail or glasses, although the uncertain expression reminded Nathaniel of when they had first met. Student and tutor. By the end of their time together, the tables had turned.

He watched as Caesar started off in the wrong direction before backtracking. Nathaniel considered his body. Was he taller? Perhaps a little. His shoulders were broader, his frame still lanky, although the loose T-shirt revealed arms and a neck that were meatier and nicely toned. Nathaniel looked him up and down as many times as he could, making sure not to do so when Caesar finally entered the café. His head swiveled around, searching for him, so Nathaniel helped by standing. Then those amber eyes lit up. Recognition. Affection. Joy. Caesar hurried forward, arms starting to open wide. Nathaniel cut this short by extending a hand.

Caesar noticed and looked reprimanded before accepting, his hand sliding softly into Nathaniel’s and staying there. “Wow!” he said.

“You sound surprised.” Nathaniel resisted a smile. “Didn’t think I’d be here?”

Caesar sputtered something, laughed nervously, and tried again. “You look… Wow.”

Nathaniel pulled his hand free and used it to gesture at the table. “Sit down. You’re late. I’m hungry.”

Caesar grinned as he sat. “I forgot how bossy you could be.”

“Me?” Nathaniel challenged.

“Yeah, you,” Caesar said, still beaming at him. “Oh man, it’s so good to see you again!”

This took him aback. Nathaniel had imagined this encounter as a trial for them both. Each would have questions or accusations. Instead Caesar appeared genuinely happy to be here, his excitement contagious. Nathaniel found himself wanting to put his elbows on the table and lean forward, just so they would be a few inches closer.

The waitress provided a welcome distraction. Nathaniel ordered first, giving Caesar little time to glance at the menu. Not that it mattered, because he didn’t even bother.

“Do you eat here on your lunch break?” he asked the waitress, eyes shining up at her.

“Me?” The waitress looked panicked, like it was a pop quiz. “Yes?”

“And do you have the same thing every day?” Caesar asked.

The waitress tittered. “Usually.”

“Then that’s what I’ll have. If it’s your favorite, it must be good.”

The waitress blushed, scribbled something on her notepad, and after another glance at Caesar, twirled and walked away.

“I see you’ve only gotten worse,” Nathaniel grumbled.

“Meaning?”

The nagging suspicion. But he wasn’t ready to ask. Not just yet. “So how are things?”

“Same ol’.”

Nathaniel waited patiently for Caesar to expound. Instead, he seemed content to leer at him. Nathaniel scowled.

“You’re like a fucking minotaur,” Caesar said. “How often do you work out?”

“Often,” Nathaniel said. “In fact, I’m thinking about taking a walk right now.”

“All right, all right,” Caesar said. “It’s the weather. It gets me worked up. It’s been nice lately, huh? Way warmer than usual at this time of year.”

“We’re really going to talk about the weather?”

“Oh. Uh. No?”

“Then try again.”

Caesar sighed. “My life. Okay. I wish I had something interesting to report. Things are finally returning to normal at home. Like how they used to be before you and I got caught. I told you my parents went on lockdown, especially my mom. She’s always been a little controlling, but man, did she go overboard. Last year they finally started taking in male foster kids again, although none have stuck. We’re getting a new one in a few weeks.”

“You’re still not talking about yourself,” Nathaniel pointed out.

Caesar’s shoulders slumped. “What am I supposed to talk about? The people I’ve dated? The trip I took up to Yale for an interview? Both of those things make me feel like a jerk. You don’t care about my friends or high school gossip. I don’t know what you want to hear from me.”

Nathaniel realized he didn’t either, but the answer was just beneath the surface. “Are you okay? Have you been happy?”

Caesar locked eyes with him. “Yeah. I guess. It’s not easy living with all the stupid shit I’ve done, but there’s not a lot of choice. I fucked up.”

The waitress returned with their drinks, Caesar not looking at her this time. Instead he kept his gaze on Nathaniel. Once she was gone, he spoke again.

“I’m sorry. I know that probably doesn’t mean much to you, but it’s the truth.”

Nathaniel saw the sincerity in his eyes, nearly taken in by it. He needed to compose himself before he could travel further down that road. But he supposed a temporary treaty wouldn’t do any harm. “To answer your question, I work out every other day or so.”

Caesar blinked. Then he perked up. “It’s paid off because you’ve got a rockin’ bod! The beard scruff is killing me. Your boyfriend must feel like the luckiest guy in the world.”

Nathaniel raised an eyebrow to show he saw through this ruse. “I wouldn’t be meeting you if I wasn’t single. Don’t read into that. I just know better than to meet an ex-boyfriend when already in a happy relationship.”

“What’s the worst that could happen?” Caesar asked innocently. Then he laughed. “You’re probably dying to know if I’m single.”

“Nope.”

“Well it just so happens— Hey!”

Nathaniel cracked a smile. “Please tell me,” he deadpanned. “I can’t wait to find out.”

“I’m single.”

“I refuse to believe it! The great Casanova is all by himself?”

“Tragic, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Nathaniel said, allowing himself to sound serious. “It sort of is.”

Their food arrived, Caesar flirting with the waitress again, but this time winking at Nathaniel once her back was turned. He shook his head, pretending not to be charmed by this, when in fact he was.

“What about you? How many college guys have had their hearts broken by Nathaniel Courtney?”

“Fewer than you might think. As in zero.”

Caesar waited for the punch line, looking concerned when none came. “Zero?”

Nathaniel shrugged “I’ve been on a few dates.” Very few, mostly just to prove to himself that he wasn’t scared of love, which was like standing close to the aquarium glass to disprove a fear of sharks. “I get a lot of women asking me out. The guys weren’t really my type.”

“You can’t wait for them to come to you,” Caesar said. “Ever hit the bars? You’re twenty-one now, right?”

“Not yet, so no bars. Although I rarely have trouble buying beer. Must be the scruff.”

Caesar’s eyes lit up like it was Christmas.

Nathaniel chuckled. “You like to drink? Never mind, I remember you chugging that fruity stuff. You barely managed to keep it down too. What was it called?”

“Boone’s,” Caesar said, puffing up his chest, “and I’ll have you know that I drink beer with the big boys now. At least when I can get my hands on it.”

“I’m not buying you any.”

“Oh come on!” Caesar said, sounding like a pouty child.

Nathaniel shook his head, enjoying himself a little too much. And why not? As Caesar had said, what’s the worst that could happen? Nathaniel had survived a broken heart before. He could do so again.

They spent the rest of lunchtime reminiscing, trading stories they both knew while squabbling over the small details of who had said what or what happened when. Nathaniel prolonged the experience by ordering coffee, Caesar opting for a slice of pecan pie. Afterwards they strolled outside, the afternoon cooler now. Caesar shivered, rubbing his arms to warm himself.

“It’s too early in the year for just a T-shirt,” Nathaniel pointed out.

Caesar turned to face him. “I was hoping to impress you with these.” He flexed briefly. “But you’ve got me covered in that department.”

I’ve got you covered
with
these arms,
Nathaniel could say. Then he would step forward and embrace Caesar, reminding them both that he had done so long ago when lost in the woods together. Only one thing held him back. Time to face the truth. “Where’s your car?”