Something Like Spring (61 page)

“When you said we needed to talk privately, I was picturing something more… private.”

“I know,” Jason said. “I meant away from Caesar and Tim. I need advice, and I don’t want either of them to overhear.”

“Okay,” Ben said, leaning back in his chair. “Are you sure you don’t want something to eat? It is your lunch break.”

Jason shook his head. Lately his stomach had been too twisted up for food. “You understand what it’s like to love two men at the same time, right?”

“Yes,” Ben answered instantly. “I definitely know that feeling.”

“Okay, this might sound weird, but it occurred to me that Caesar is a little like Tim, and William is sort of like Jace.”

Ben thought about it for a moment, then he laughed. “I can see that. Caesar didn’t struggle with his sexuality though, and William is more the athletic type. Jace never was, but they’re both kind-hearted so… It’s not a perfect parallel, but I think I see what you’re getting at.”

“Yeah,” Jason said. “What I need to know is, how did you decide? How did you choose which one was right for you?”

“That’s complicated. When Tim and I were teenagers, the choice was between getting hurt again or moving on. That was hard, but much more clear-cut. After I’d met Jace and Tim showed back up…” Ben bit his lip. “He still hadn’t really accepted who he was, but what it came down to was that Tim had hurt me before. Jace hadn’t.”

Jason considered this. “Problem is, Caesar hurt me by choosing another guy. William hurt me by choosing the Coast Guard. I don’t really blame either of them, considering the circumstances, but they’re neck and neck right now. What about when Tim showed up later in your life?”

“By then Jace and I were married,” Ben said. “I’d made a promise to stay committed and faithful, which meant having to say goodbye to Tim, because I still loved him.”

Jason sighed. “I guess I made a promise to Caesar when I agreed to be his boyfriend. So I should say goodbye to William?”

“Maybe.” Ben hesitated. “Our circumstances aren’t exactly the same. Jace wasn’t the only issue keeping Tim and me apart. The Tim you know today is a different person from who he was back then.”

“So who would you pick today?” Jason asked.

“If Jace were still alive?” Ben asked.

“Yeah. Say in some alternate reality, you never got married, and both guys came up to you and proposed. The Tim from today, and Jace as he always was. Which guy would you choose?”

Ben thought about the question. “Jace was so gentle, so kind. I’d give anything to bring him back. I would. Even if he wasn’t with me, he should be a part of this world again. Tim has always been such a damn mess, but he also fought the hardest. He went from being the guy who would rather leave me than tell his parents, to one who would willingly take a bullet for me. So if Jace came back today, I honestly don’t know who I would pick. They’re both so damn wonderful that I’d probably tell them both to get in bed with me and snuggle up, whether they liked it or not. ” Ben thought about it a moment longer. Then his cheeks flushed and he wiped at his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Jason said. “It wasn’t a fair question.”

“Are you kidding?” Ben said. “That might be the most beautiful fantasy I’ve ever had! Besides, putting me on the spot should show you how difficult a decision like this is for anyone. Even me, after all these years.”

Jason sighed. “Maybe I should flip a coin.”

“Don’t do that,” Ben said. “Tell me instead what you like about each of them.”

“Okay. Well, I always admired Caesar’s confidence. He’s sexy and charming, and he used to live up to his name. When I was younger, he felt like the emperor of his own little world. Maybe not so much now, but I’m sure he’ll get back there eventually. He can be very sympathetic. Smooth and sensitive at the same time. That’s pretty cool.”

“Okay,” Ben said. “Now what do you like about William?”

Jason glanced up at the Juicy James booth, the boy in the goofy cowboy uniform now a skinny redhead, but he still caused pangs of nostalgia. “Everything,” Jason said. “His face, his smile, the way he smells, the way it feels to hold him. I love how high-pitched his laugh gets when he’s really cracking up and the way he looks ashamed after he farts.” Jason chuckled to himself. “That he eats like a total pig, bikes everywhere, and is always pushing himself to be a better person when he’s already perfect. I even love that he left me to follow his dream. With Caesar, if I could turn back time and stop him from choosing Nathaniel, I would. But not William. I’d let him go a million times over again because I’ve seen how happy it makes him, how the world is a better place because of him. Most of all, he makes me feel special. Even though we’ve both been with other guys and had bigger priorities, I know that he loves me, and with William, I don’t think that happens too often. Caesar can fall in love with anyone, and I admire that too, but as generous as William is, he doesn’t give his heart away so carelessly.”

Ben’s eyes were wide. “Wow. After that, do you really need me to point out the obvious?”

Jason’s shoulders slumped. “I know, but Caesar’s world has fallen apart. He’s finally free from his parents, but he’s also broke and completely on his own. I’m his safety net. I never saw that coming. Part of me feels good that he needs me, but the rest—”

“Feels like snipping that net and letting him fall?”

“That’s one way of putting it,” Jason said. “Anyway, dumping him now seems cruel. William doesn’t need me like that.”

“I’d wager he needs you in much healthier ways,” Ben said. “Don’t stay with someone because you feel sorry for them. That’s not doing Caesar any favors.”

“It’s not just that,” Jason said.

“Because you love him?” Ben asked. “Go ahead and say it. Convince me.”

Jason smiled. “I love Caesar.”

“Like you mean it!” Ben said. “You could have been talking about a good friend there. Now say you love William.”

Jason took a deep breath. “I love William.” He sighed the words more than he said them, goose bumps covering his skin. Even the hair on the back of his neck stood up.

“
That
was electric,” Ben said. “Even I could feel the difference!”

“You’re right,” Jason said. “You’re so totally right.” He thought about going home early, telling Caesar as gently as possible that it wasn’t working out. And then what? Caesar sleeping in a car already stuffed with his possessions? Or on the couch, which would be awkward for them all. “He’ll be moving out soon,” Jason said. “I can’t dump him now. It would be cruel. As soon as he has his own place, I’ll cut him loose.”

Ben raised his eyebrows. “Okay. Just be careful that William doesn’t fly the coop before the nest is empty.”

* * * * *

“Did the check come? Get your deposit back yet? Hear anything from the landlord?” Jason asked these questions or variations of them every day, usually disappointed with the answer. Time was running out. He knew William was staying in town at least until the weekend when Kelly had his exhibition. After that was anyone’s guess, since Jason rarely found time alone to call, text, or anything else. If he wasn’t working, he was usually out somewhere with Caesar. Going to movies, go-kart racing, bar hopping, anything but being home where they could potentially sleep together. The prospect wasn’t tempting to Jason in the slightest, but Caesar was becoming increasingly amorous as the week wore on.

“Did the check—”

“I got the money,” Caesar said, cutting him off. “It’s in the bank.”

Jason set down his keys and took off his nametag from work. “That’s great! Is the apartment you looked at still available?”

“It is,” Caesar said, standing to kiss him.

Jason made sure it was only a peck. Then he went to the kitchen to grab a drink, so his lips would be otherwise occupied.

“I thought we’d go out to celebrate,” Caesar said.

“There’s the gallery opening tonight,” Jason said. “I can’t.”

“Then I’ll come with you.”

Jason had been prepared for this. “I have to help Tim behind the scenes,” he lied. “Plus a lot of old friends will be there—”

“Like William?”

“Yeah,” Jason said. “It’s probably the last time I’ll get to see him before he leaves town again, so I was hoping catch up with him and Kelly. That’s his other ex-boyfriend, if that tells you anything. Besides, I’ll be with Emma the whole time.”

Caesar shrugged. “I’m not worried. I know who you come home to every night.”

Not for long, Jason hoped. He felt obligated to reward Caesar for trusting him and spent some time snuggling with him on the couch, which made him feel guilty for several reasons. Luckily Emma came home from a job hunt shortly afterwards and kept “inconveniently” popping into the room, even when Jason was getting showered and dressed for the evening.

“Break up with him now,” she suggested in a rare moment of privacy.

“He still doesn’t have a place to stay. I’ll go with him tomorrow to get the apartment. I’ll help him move in. And then…” Jason dragged one finger across his neck.

“You’re going to murder him?” Emma asked, pretending to be horrified.

Jason rolled his eyes and finished getting ready. Then he and Emma drove to William’s old house. His mother opened the door, beaming at Jason like it was prom night all over again.

“Willy came home because of you,” she whispered. “I owe you some homemade cookies.”

“Peanut butter,” Jason whispered back. “I’d also accept oatmeal cookies, but only if they have raisins in them.”

“I hope you’re not dieting!” Ms. Townson said with a giggle.

William walked into the room wearing a navy blue suit jacket, which accentuated his strong shoulders. “Too formal?” he asked. “I figured the jeans would balance it out.”

“You look stunning,” Jason said.

William smiled at the compliment, kissed his mother on the cheek, and led the way outside. Emma called shotgun, which was mean, but then took the back seat anyway. The mood in the car was buzzing on the way over to the gallery.

“I can’t wait to see Kelly again,” William said.

“Don’t be too glad,” Jason said, pretending to be jealous.

“I can’t help it,” William said, playing along. “The second I see him, I’ll probably sweep him into my arms and give him a kiss.”

“No!”

“With lots of tongue.”

“Nooooo!”

Although William was joking, they were all taken aback when they entered the gallery and saw the man of the hour. He was in the middle of the room, talking to an older man. As if sensing them, Kelly turned around and walked toward them. He
walked
. Smiling and waving and not having to depend on crutches at all. Aside from a slight limp, he seemed just as whole as anyone else.

“Surprise!” he said, laughing at their shocked expressions.

William grabbed Kelly, holding him tight. They murmured a few words to each other, and when William stepped back, he was wiping tears from his eyes. Kelly was struggling with his emotions too.

“Prosthetic leg,” he said, addressing Jason and Emma. “It’s amazing what they can do these days. When Marcello found out I was looking into them, he insisted on flying me to Europe, where they have the very best prosthetics in the world. All paid for by the company.”

“I love that man,” William said. “I love you!”

Kelly rolled his eyes. “Someone fetch William a drink. He gets so emo!”

They all laughed. After catching up a little longer, Kelly insisted they browse his photos. Emma and Jason went to do so. William stayed next to Kelly, but Jason wasn’t worried. He understood how William was feeling. Seeing an ex could be a wonderful feeling at first, especially when the ex in question was doing so well. Jason had been happy to see Caesar. Part of him wished they had shared that meal and maybe the night in the hotel room and left it at that.

Kelly’s photography was extensive. Landscapes, children, animals, architecture, and quite a few handsome men. None of the photos were of Kelly himself, implying he had moved on from his modeling days or at least wasn’t into self-portraits.

“Oh shit!” Emma said while they were looking at a photo of rain clouds reflected in skyscraper glass. At least that’s what Jason was looking at. Emma was staring across the room. “Bonnie is here!”

“Ah,” Jason said, hiding a smile. “Hey, isn’t this gallery where Ben and Tim finally got back together?”

“What are you saying?” Emma asked, cheeks flushing.

“That maybe it’s a magical place. Worth a shot, right?”

Emma seemed terrified by the prospect, but then her confidence took over again. She strode across the room, perhaps a little stiff-legged, to test his theory.

Chuckling, Jason turned back to the portraits, stopping when he came to one of William. He was much younger in the photo, his eyes smiling at the camera. Jason recognized the look of adoration. The photo must have been taken when he and Kelly were still fond of each other, before the relationship turned sour. Jason stood in front of the photo and pretended William was looking at him that way again. With any luck, he would return to doing so soon. For now, Jason could only bask in the memory.

“Such a handsome young man!” Marcello said, placing a hand on Jason’s shoulder. “And you’ve managed to bring him home again from his fire-fighting duties!”

“He was in the Coast Guard,” Jason said, turning to Marcello and scrutinizing him. “Too much champagne again?”

“No such thing,” Marcello said, shaking his jowls. “And besides, I’m sure the ocean catches fire occasionally. I’m certain I saw it do so in a movie once.”

“Of course,” Jason said, offering him a hug. “Thank you for the housewarming present.”

“You’re very welcome,” Marcello said, patting him on the back. “Did you like the pears? They’re deliciously juicy. It isn’t always easy to find a juicy pear.”

“They were great,” Jason said, taking a step back. “I was mostly referring to the television.”

“A trinket,” Marcello said dismissively. “I hope you and William have many happy hours ignoring it while on the couch together. You always made such a pretty pair.”

Jason laughed. “We’re not back together yet. But between you and me, I’m working on it.”

“I’m sure you’ll do fine. Where there’s a William, there’s a way.” Marcello appeared pleased with himself. “Oh, I wished I’d saved that one for the wedding day toast! No matter, I’m sure I’ll think of something appropriately clever before then.”