Something Like Lightning (33 page)

“I need support bars mounted on the wall,” Kelly said. “Lots of space too. A normal restroom won’t work for me, so let me out and—” “I’ll support you.”

Kelly stared. “What?”

“I’ll accompany you to the restroom, and if need be, I’ll hold you

^u
p”

Kelly’s jaw dropped. “Do you have any idea how offensive that is?” The man shrugged and crossed his arms over his chest. “I don’t care. You’re not getting through this door. What is it that you really want?” Kelly sighed. “There’s someone in there that I need to talk to.”

“Need?”

“Yes! Need!”

The man huffed. “Trust me, there isn’t anyone you need.”

“Oh really. How would you know that?”

“Because I’ve put a lot of thought into the subject. Hold on.”

The man took some keys out of his pocket, unlocked the door, and slipped inside. Kelly counted to three under his breath before trying the door again. Locked. Powerless to do anything else, he stood there and stared at the wooden surface. God how he wished he still had both legs! If he did, he could dart past the bouncer when the door opened again and run so fast no one could catch him. Instead, when the door opened, he didn’t even try. There was no point. The man was already locking the door again, and when he turned around, one of his large hands held two glasses by the stems and a dark bottle by the neck.

“What’s this supposed to be?” Kelly said.

“Come find out.” The man gestured with his head before walking toward the back of the room. Kelly stared after him a moment before following. He was led to an empty table in one corner. The man pulled out a chair for him, then sat down. He didn’t ask Kelly if he needed help or look up when one of Kelly’s crutches slipped and clattered on the floor. Instead he busied himself with a pocket knife corkscrew, one of his meaty fists twisting until the bottle was open.

“I’m not old enough to drink,” Kelly said.

“Oh no,” the man deadpanned as he poured. “I hope I don’t lose my job over this.”

“You could be arrested. Believe me.”

“So be it.” The man pushed a glass full of shimmering liquid toward him. “Drink up.”

Kelly ignored the glass. “What kind of a bouncer are you?”

The man snorted. “I’m not a bouncer. My name is Nathaniel, and I’m the coordinator of this event. Are you enjoying yourself?”

“No.”

“Good. Now shut up and take a drink so I can have one too. Otherwise, you’ll think I’m rude.”

Kelly watched him a moment longer. Then he picked up the glass. He supposed a toast was in order, so he lifted it and said, “Here’s to not getting what you want.”

Nathaniel nodded appreciatively before taking a swig that drained half the glass. Then his eyes moved to the front of the room, where Tim had stepped aside for a video of people who benefitted from previous donations. Kelly took the opportunity to have a couple sips. White wine. He wasn’t a connoisseur, so any subtleties in flavor were lost on him. Not that it really mattered, his sips becoming gulps. Soon his belly felt warm, his prior urgency ebbing away. He worked on emptying the glass, thankful for the emotional reprieve the alcohol granted him. As a consolation prize, it wasn’t bad. Nathaniel could have chased him away. Instead he’d invited Kelly for a drink. Weird, especially since Nathaniel didn’t seem eager to fill the silence. Maybe they weren’t supposed to talk during the presentation. Still, Kelly felt he should say something.

“It’s great what you’re doing here,” he tried, hoping it sounded generous and not sarcastic.

Nathaniel’s eyes shifted to meet his. “And what is it that you’re doing here? Are you someone’s date?”

“No,” Kelly said, not feeling it was a lie. He was pretty damn sure that he was the third wheel tonight. “I’m not rich either, so don’t try hitting me up for money.”

Nathaniel’s eyes sparkled in amusement. “Then I ask again, why are you here?”

“It’s a mystery,” Kelly said, preferring to be vague. “I’m afraid you’ll never find out. We’ll share this drink together, go our separate ways, and that will be the end of our story.”

Nathaniel nodded. “Fair enough. Of course the drink isn’t over quite yet.” He reached for the bottle to refill their glasses. Then he leaned back, his attention split between the presentation and Kelly. When they did lock eyes, Nathaniel seemed comfortable, but Kelly felt more and more like squirming, because the guy sitting across from him was kind of handsome. Probably an effect of the booze Kelly kept downing. Or the low lighting. Even in the shadow it was clear he was older. How much so? Five years? Ten? Once the lights came up, all the wrinkles and crags would surely reveal themselves. But for now...

“So what about you?” Kelly asked. “Are you someone’s date?”

“I already told you, this is my job.”

“Yes, but it’s not like you can’t bring your boyfriend along. If I was dating you, I’d insist on coming just for the free food. Except for those fish things. Those were gross.”

“Brandade de Morue au Gratin,”
Nathaniel said with a perfect French accent.

“Exactly,” Kelly said, sliding his half-empty glass across the table for another refill. “Whoever put those on the menu needs to be fired.”

“I put them on the menu,” Nathaniel said.

“Oh. Well maybe not fired. Uh.”

“It’s perfectly fine,” Nathaniel said, tilting the bottle and pouring. “I was disappointed too. We had to switch caterers at the last minute. I won’t be using them again. And for the record, if I had a boyfriend, I wouldn’t bring him here. Topless waiters, rich old perverts, and bouncers who ply underage boys with booze. Not the most wholesome of environments, is it?”

Nathaniel smiled slowly. Kelly couldn’t help joining him, even if the gesture was fleeting. In the back of his mind, he still worried about what Jason and William were doing. Then again, he was powerless to stop them. Even if he talked Nathaniel into opening that door, they would find some other place and some other time. Kelly was through fighting the inevitable.

“Watch this one,” Nathaniel said, nodding to the front. “It’s good.”

Kelly turned just as a new video segment started. An old woman described her increasing agoraphobia, and how she couldn’t even be in her backyard anymore without being crippled by anxiety. Ironic, since gardening had been her passion. Then the charity foundation had come and built a winter garden—a sort of greenhouse that attached directly to her back door. In this way she was able to be outside again to continue gardening.

“That last shot,” Nathaniel said, “the soil passing through her gnarled old fingers... Beautiful stuff.”

“You like photography?” Kelly asked.

“Something like that.” Nathaniel pushed away from the table. “I’m afraid our time together is over.”

“My glass isn’t empty yet,” Kelly said.

Nathaniel picked up his own and drained it, which seemed a little cold.

Elsewhere, the heavyset man had swept onto stage again. “At least take it off while you’re collecting money!” he said in a stage whisper, tugging at Tim’s shirt. Then he pretended to notice the audience for the first time. “Oh! You’re all still here. How marvelous! And generous. Speaking of which—”

“I have to help collect donations,” Nathaniel said.

The lights had come up again, and all the wrinkles and gray hairs Kelly had imagined were nowhere in sight. Definitely a good-looking guy. Just his type. Sort of like William, but more mature, more masculine. Maybe that’s how William would look in ten years or so. Not that Kelly would be around to witness it.

“You’ll be all right,” Nathaniel said as he stood. It wasn’t a question, but he waited for an answer anyway.

“Yeah,” Kelly said. “Just fine. Especially if you leave the bottle.”

“Not a chance.” Nathaniel picked it up and started to head away before he hesitated. “You never told me your name.”

“Kelly.”

“Well, Kelly, I’d say it’s nice meeting you, but I guess this is goodbye.”

“I guess so.” He gave his best smile, the kind he was always slinging around when he used to feel invincible.

Nathaniel’s eyes sparkled in return. They were hazel, Kelly noted, just before they left his life forever.

He remained seated, toying with the stem of the glass, twirling it around and watching the liquid swirl in response. He didn’t worry about William or watch the kitchen door, waiting for it to open again. He was over it. As much as possible anyway. Eventually, the shut-in came to an end and the waiters poured back into the room, rewarding generous donations with more food and drinks.

“There you are!” William said, walking around the table to face him. Then his eyes widened. In a hushed voice, he said, “Is that wine?”

“Sure looks like it.”

“You’re going to get in trouble!”

Kelly smirked. Then, doing his best impression of Nathaniel, he said, “So be it.”

William shook his head. “I’ll get you some water. Or maybe a Coke and something to eat.”

Kelly waited until he was gone. Then he chugged the rest of the wine, got up, and headed for the exit. Once out in the night air, he caught sight of an older gay couple walking toward their car.

“Excuse me,” he said, making sure his crutches were in plain sight. “If you’re heading to Austin, would you mind giving me a ride?”

Five minutes later, Kelly was in the back of a luxury sedan, his head still spinning from the alcohol. He stared out the window, the streetlights and trees zooming by. Feeling more liberated than he had for months, Kelly leaned back, made himself comfortable, and closed his eyes.

A muted day. Hardly a word spoken between them. Perfect for an overcast Sunday. Kelly had fallen asleep in a blissful buzz before William had gotten home, and by the time he awoke, the other side of the bed was slept in and unoccupied. When William did show up, he smelled of chlorine, which came as some relief. Without the optimism of alcohol buoying him, Kelly didn’t feel so ready to let go. The idea of William sneaking off with Jason made him feel foolish and vulnerable and somehow less of a man.

But as the day wore on, the silence between them thickened and solidified like gelatin in the refrigerator. Throughout the day, William spoke more to Royal than he did to Kelly. As the afternoon wore on, Kelly found himself doing the same, using his little brother as an unwilling mediator. Maybe that’s why Royal left to visit a friend, leaving awkward tension in his wake.

Now they were getting ready for bed, their teeth freshly brushed and the covers pulled down. But tonight neither of them had undressed. Not yet. It felt wrong, somehow. Instead they sat on the end of the bed, perched on the edge, as if even this had become too intimate.

“Kelly—” William began.

“I’m ready to talk about it,” he interrupted. “Just promise me you’ll be honest and we can get through this.”

William glanced over at him. But he didn’t promise. His elbows were resting on his knees, his hands hanging limp before him. “I don’t make you happy anymore.”

“That’s not true!”

“Are you sure? Because we can’t seem to get through a day without you snapping at me or rolling your eyes or—”

“I’m a bitch,” Kelly said. “I get pissy. You take it too personally.” William shook his head. “That’s not how it was when we first met. I don’t remember you getting so grumpy with me. Not all the time.”

Kelly sighed. “Since the accident, I’ve been a little—”

“Not since then,” William said. “It started
before
then. That’s why I wanted to break up. I was tired of feeling like I constantly pissed you off. I didn’t make you happy then, and I know I don’t make you happy now.” “You’re wrong.”

“I’m not. Just think about it. Open yourself to the idea and ask yourself if it’s true.”

Kelly wanted to argue, but that would only prove William’s point. So he sat quietly, just for appearances, but ended up thinking about it anyway. He loved William, that much was certain. But damn if he wasn’t too noble and too nice sometimes! These might be wonderful traits, but they made Kelly feel bad about himself by comparison. And really, he didn’t think there was anything wrong with snarling at the world occasionally, or even at each other. That was perfectly normal. Except William didn’t seem to have that in him. He seemed to function by a different set of standards, and yes, this often drove Kelly crazy. To be fair, his own standards frustrated William just as much, except instead of getting irritated with Kelly, he got hurt instead.

“Maybe we’re not the most compatible,” Kelly admitted, “but they say opposites attract.”

“They might attract, but they don’t stick together.”

Kelly raised an eyebrow. “What are you saying?”

“That I don’t make you happy anymore, and if I’m honest, I haven’t been happy for a long time.”

“If you’re honest,” Kelly said, his voice rising, “all of this is actually about Jason Grant! ”

“Not all of it,” William said, “but yeah. Meeting him made everything complicated. I promised you I would stay. In the emergency room, I swore I would never leave you because I wanted to do the right thing. And I still do, but now I’m worried that if we keep going like this, I’m going to do the wrong thing.”

“With Jason,” Kelly spat.

“Yes, with Jason! I’m through denying it. I love him.”

Kelly felt like he’d been shoved backward, arms flailing to catch hold of some support and finding only empty air. That they found each other attractive was no surprise. That temptation existed—the allure of something new—all of that he already knew. But love?

“I never wanted to hurt you,” William said, “and I didn’t do this on purpose, I swear. Just... just think about the morning of the accident and pretend I didn’t screw up and cost you your leg. If none of that had happened, do you really think we’d still be together?”

Kelly ignored this. “You
love
him? How far have things gone?”

William glanced over. “Isn’t that far enough already? I want to be with him, but I also made a promise to you. I can keep that promise, but it seems insane, because you’re not happy and I’m not happy, and now that you know the truth, do you really think that’s going to get better? Is there anything we can say or do to fix this? Because if not, I’m scared I’m going to end up hating you.”