Someday Maybe (4 page)

“Bye, Knightly,” she whispered, then swatted him on the ass. I couldn’t help watching her as she watched him walk through the store and out the door.

Yeah, they were in “the zone”…that perfect relationship-y sweet spot when you know you’re in love and everything is new and exciting and easy and feels like forever is within reach.

I’d been in the zone. Once.

Speaking of a big fat failure of a personal life…

“Anyway,” she said, her cheeks slowly losing their embarrassed blush. “Sorry, again. He likes to drop in and… Anyway. Can I help you find something?”

“Oils,” I said.

“What kind?”

“Naturally Pure.” I pointed at the display. “I need lavender, Citrus Joy, and the biggest bottle of peppermint you’ve got.”

She lifted her eyebrows. “You know your oils.”

“It’s kind of my thing.”

“Really?” She glanced at my perfectly pressed pencil skirt and silk blouse. Apparently I didn’t seem like the holistic type.

“I’m allergic to perfume,” I explained. “I found out when I coated myself in my mother’s Obsession when I was twelve.”

She laughed. “Classic.”

“I can’t even use scented candles.” I scanned the rest of the display. They had oil mixes I’d never heard of. “Plus, the peppermint zaps my headaches, and I pretty much can’t get going in the mornings without diffusing LifeLong blend.”

“Have you tried Xing-Sing?” She pulled a small black bottle off the shelf. “It’s brand new and I’m totally obsessed with it.”

For the next half hour, Spring and I—yes,
Spring
was indeed her given name—talked oils, supplements, and other homeopathic wonders. She’d been working at
Another Time & Place
for a few weeks and had just started her senior year at Stanford.

I felt calmer and more myself with each whiff of oil. The last one she had me sample was spicy and heavy on the cloves. “It’s not for everyone,” Spring said when I told her I was passing on that one. She held it under her nose and inhaled deeply. “It’s my boyfriend’s favorite on me because he says it reminds him of Thanksgiving.”

“The holidays bring out the little boy in him?”

“Henry? No.” She laughed softly and her cheeks started pinking. “He’s got a…a
thing
for cranberries.”

“Ahh.” I handed her a card to pay for my new stash of goodies. “Enough said.”

“Come back and see us again.” She passed my bag across the counter. “It was nice to meet you, Rachel.”

“You, too. And thanks for all your help. You’re a lifesaver.” I held up the bag, the oil bottles clinking within. “This place is definitely on my list.”

As I was about to walk out the door, I turned back and Spring had that same bottle under her nose again. Seemed as though her boyfriend’s “thing for cranberries” was a thing for her, as well.

I smiled as I crossed the street toward my car. What I wouldn’t give to be in “the zone” again. But I had a feeling one chance at the zone was all I was going to get. And that had come and gone.

Chapter Five

January, Freshman Year

Oliver’s hair smelled like his shampoo with just a hint of the wild orange and vanilla I’d dabbed on that morning. We tended to mix scents in moments like these. I hugged his head against my chest as we sat on the foot of his bed, me on his lap.

“I love you,” he said against my neck.

“I know.” I held in the laugh for as long as I could, then cracked up.

“Why do you feel the need to quote
Star Wars
when I say that?”

To tighten my grip around him, I hooked my ankles together behind his back. Yes, I was aware of the famous Han Solo/Princess Leia cinematic interchange, but that wasn’t why “I know” was almost always my gut reply. I said it because Oliver’s words were superfluous—he showed it.

“Because I know it drives you crazy,” I said, scooching closer. “And driving you crazy makes me so
very
happy.”

He rested his mouth on the hollow of my throat, sending fresh tingles down my spine. Then he slowly reclined so that I rested on his chest. “I’ll show you crazy.” He moved his lips to my shoulder, trailing kisses up my neck, zeroing in on the spot behind my ear. My blood zinged and I giggled whenever he nuzzled me there. “Mmm, you’re wearing the one that smells like Fruity Pebbles.”

I cradled his head, taking in my own intoxicating breath of him. “I thought you said it reminds you of Dreamsicles in the summer.”

“Either way, it’s my favorite.”

“Yeah?”

He lifted his chin to give me a look. “Have you ever heard the expression, ‘I want to eat you alive?’”

“I think you mentioned that this morning.” I slid down and adjusted one leg between his. His mouth was at my neck again, nibbling contently, breath hot on my skin. In a few seconds, my mind would drift to that empty space of bliss with no worries…

“I ran into Roger today.”

My body tensed above his. Hold that bliss. “Not funny.” I propped myself up by the wrists.

“Not a joke.” He reached up to hold my hair back from my face. “We literally bumped into each other on campus.”

I stared down at him, my arm muscles flexed and shaky as I held myself up. “What did you say to him? What?”

He stared back in silence, like he was considering his answer, or maybe he was dissecting the shrill tone in my question. Finally, he exhaled and smoothed my hair behind my ears. “I didn’t say anything, Rach. I mean, I said ‘excuse me’ or something, but I didn’t tell him I knew you, or that we’re—”

“Good.” I rolled off, even though the front of my body still hummed from our contact. Oliver’s questions were coming more frequently. Of course my boyfriend had every right to meet my brother and my friends—just…not now.

“Where are my shoes? I have class in twenty minutes and can’t be tardy again.”

Oliver chuckled, lying back on the bed.

“What?”

One long arm was thrown over his eyes, blocking out the overhead light. “If you’re planning on going outside this room, it’s probably not your
shoes
you should be worried about.” He sat up, head tilted, examining me with admiration in his gray eyes. “But I wish you always looked this way.”

I looked down, realizing I was more or less topless. When he burst into laughter again, I couldn’t help joining in. Not that I’d grown so comfortable in his presence that I constantly strolled around in the buff, but I never felt more like myself than when we were together, never so comfortable in my skin, free from stress and all the crap I didn’t want to think about.

“Oops,” I said. His pull on me was like gravity, and I crawled back onto his lap—my favorite place. He moved my bra strap an inch to kiss my shoulder. “I can’t stay,” I whispered, though my actions were not backing up my words as I pulled his T-shirt over his head.

“Rach, you can always stay with me…” We locked eyes for one intense moment, then tumbled onto the bed in a tangle of limbs.

It didn’t take much for me to justify being late to class, then missing it all together. When Oliver and I were alone, the problems of the world dissolved like he had me under a love spell. It was a bit more complicated when those “problems of the world” included my skipped chemistry lab, and the pop quiz I’d missed the week before, and how Professor Elliott had cornered me after class and informed me that my grade had slipped from an A to a C-plus.

But with Oliver’s hands in my hair, his mouth on me, I couldn’t make myself care; I couldn’t fight his gravitational pull.

Five months into my ten-year plan, I was already five months behind. The control freak side of me hated the girlfriend side. She was weak and reckless. We had to find a balance. If I could just go to the library more. Study more. Maybe if Oliver studied more, too. But when we tried to study together, I always ended up tearing off his shirt.

It wasn’t until the afternoon sun arched to the west that we came up for air. “Should we order pizza?” I asked, buttoning my shirt as I heard one of his roommates come home. I glanced at Oliver sitting on the edge of the bed. His dark hair was messed up and his eyes still held a hint of the familiar intensity that hung on even hours after we were together. It made heat pool in the pit of my stomach…never quite finished.

“Or we could go out,” he suggested.

I stopped buttoning. “Uh, no. Let’s stay in. If we bother to leave, I might as well go to the library.”

“Rachel.” The frustration in his tone gave me pause. That was becoming familiar, too. He raked both hands through his hair then bent forward, resting his elbows on his knees, staring at the floor. “I know the reason you don’t want to go out, but it’s going to happen sooner or later.”

The thought of Oliver and Roger finally meeting, together in the same room, made that lovely heat in my stomach turn to cold liquid. It couldn’t happen, not until I came up with a solid game plan.

Besides, Roger wouldn’t get it. Just the other day, during our traditional Sunday brunch, he’d mentioned that no one ever saw me around anymore. What was keeping me so occupied? Rog would take one look at my boyfriend and assume I was only infatuated by his looks, when there was so much more to Oliver than his ripped six-pack and perfect face. We talked for hours about nothing, and I loved his sweetness, his carefree, totally content nature, even when it scared me.

We were so in “the zone.”

But why wasn’t he letting the subject go?

“If it’s such a big deal for me to meet your family… Oh. I get it. ” His gaze dropped to the floor. “You don’t think I’m good enough.”

The sadness of his words pierced my heart like an arrow tipped with poison. I’d never meant for him to feel that way. I took full responsibility for being the fraidycat in this relationship.

“You?” The single syllable squeaked out of my throat. I crawled over, placing myself between his knees, and framed his face with my hands while gazing into those silvery eyes. “You’re perfect,” I whispered. “And I love you.”

“Rach.” He touched his forehead to mine. “I love you.”

Even though we’d been saying it for a month, it filled my insides with warmth and peace whenever I spoke it. Before Oliver, they’d just been words. I never knew they could coat my soul, push back the fear, and help me feel like I could let go of some of my control, if only temporarily.

Aside from dodging the subject of Roger, moments like this were as perfect as they came. The only thing that mattered was finding a way to make the perfection last.

“Look,” I said. “Sneaking around sucks, but it’s just for a little while longer.”

“You said that a month ago.”

“Roger has spies. I can’t even trust my very best friends. They know about you, I mean, they suspect I’m dating someone, but they don’t
know
.”

He ran a hand up my arm, cupping my elbow. “Meghan would like me. So would Gio.”

“It’s not that.” I touched his face, my thumb sliding across his cheek. “You’ll meet everyone soon. I swear.” After a kiss, I reached for my bag and jacket, guilty about having to keep deflecting his questions. I didn’t know when my answers started to feel like lies.

“I think I’ll head to the library. Want to come?”

“Naw.” He flipped on his Xbox and grabbed the hand control. I heard the theme music to
Halo
.
That
was becoming more than familiar.

“So, uh, have you declared your major yet?” He shook his head, staring at the TV. “Isn’t the deadline coming up?”

“I think so. I’ll get around to it.”

“Oliver,” I said, watching him from the doorway.

“Yeah?”

A lecturing nag sat on the tip of my tongue. But then I gazed at him, practically seeing the golden aura I sensed surrounding his being. He was the best person I knew. It did needle me that he wasn’t taking his classes seriously. But if I loved him, I should love him exactly the way he was.

“Rach?” He lowered the hand control. “What else is wrong?”

I wanted to tell him. I even started to. “To understand me, you have to understand my family.” I bit my lip and stared out the window toward the brick wall covered with graffiti across the street. “My mom and dad are professors. They travel all over the world as guest lecturers.”

“I know what your parents do for a living.”

But did he know they lost their entire life savings in a matter of days? No one grasped how much that still affected me. It was never about money, it was the stress of watching my parents struggle, Dad’s guilt, Mom’s sadness, all because they hadn’t planned for the future. I would not let that happen to me.

The future wasn’t what Oliver was concerned about. He didn’t even have a major, and that really did scare me, because I was obsessed with the future…which was easy for me to remember when we were a room apart from each other. I didn’t know how to say that to him, though. Most normal freshmen didn’t have a major yet, or if they did, they changed it ten times.

He stood and walked over to me. “This is upsetting you more than I thought.” He hooked his index finger under the strap of my backpack over my shoulder.

“Yes,” I said, my bottom lip trembling. Though I wasn’t sure which “this” he was referring to.

He rested a hand on my cheek, then drew me into a warm hug. I could feel the steady beat of his heart as he whispered my name and assured me that everything was going to be okay. The instant he touched his nose to my cheek, I let out the breath I’d been holding and released my clenched fists. His hands ran circles across my back, breath warm against my skin. Oliver calmed me more effectively than any oil blend.

“If you don’t want me to bring up your brother again, I won’t,” he said. “I know you’ll introduce us when you’re ready.”

I exhaled until my body slumped against his, hugging him back, so tight. The amount of relief that coursed through my heart and mind was startling. I hadn’t realized until that moment that I’d never planned on letting them meet. And Oliver had just let me off the hook.

What did that say about me?

Blinking back tears I wouldn’t be able to explain, I kissed him slowly, trying to convey my feelings, as muddled as they were. “Thank you.” I pressed my forehead to his. “It’ll happen when the time is right.”

I wasn’t sure if I was lying to him or to myself.