Somebody's Someone (40 page)

“Please, get offa me.” But he didn’t. He kept right on pushing himself on me. I could see Big Mama’s boys coming into my room and calling me names like prick-tease and cocky—was that what I was being? I felt my body go cold and hard like when I was tryin’ to fight Big Mama’s gran’son Lenny offa me. Then at the same time, I just let my body go and stared off into the darkness. For a minute, part of me wanted to know if he’d only taken what I’d agreed to give, and the other part needed to know just what it was I’d gave him.

There was a quietness in the room that me and Will was in. I could feel that I was laying on top of something wet, but I didn’t know where it’d come from. I didn’t hear or feel Will slide offa me or pull on his clothes and zip, fasten, and go. I just wanted to know if he’d taken some of my pretty with him.

Will was too big—in every way.

“Marlena, come on in here!” I screamed at her, mad as hell that I had lost my mind for a few minutes of pain.

“I got blood everywhere! Why is blood all over me?” I moaned. Marlena told everybody to get out the house. She said that I had a nosebleed and that I wasn’t doing too good. My girly parts was on fire, all right. I felt like I had fell on the bar of a bicycle, going full speed while standing up as the chain fell off.

“Oh, man. You’re bleeding a lot. What the hell you guys do in here?”

After all that, that was all she could say. I didn’t wanna let nobody know what’d just gone on—even though they knowed that we was kissing and stuff. By now most of the other folks was gone, and if they wasn’t, I was just gonna say I had a bloody nose like Marlena had told me. I didn’t wanna give nobody nothin’ to talk ’bout. Will had left, but I didn’t see him go. I think I r’membered somebody asking me if I wanted anything, and I just said no and went to the bathroom to check if I was still bleeding. After wiping myself up, I went back to Marlena’s room and sat down on her sister’s bed as she changed the sheets to the one I’d been in. I pulled my body close to me as I wrapped my arms round my knees. For the life of me I couldn’t feel nothin’. My private parts was on fire and felt swollen, but other than that, I couldn’t find what it felt like for me. I secretly wished I was a tape recorder and could rewind what’d just happened. Once I had my clothes back on, I turned round to speak with Marlena. Right then and there we made a pact not to tell nobody ’bout this.

For a few days at the shelter I was walking round like something was stuck b’tween my legs, and I was in a daze. I tried holdin’ my legs closer together, but the more I did, the more it hurt, and when I went to the toilet it burned. I was pulled into the office, and one of the counselors asked me what was wrong. She said that I hadn’t been the same since I came back from the weekend. I didn’t say too much. I just told her that I didn’t feel good. She kept on asking me if there was anything else I wanted to tell her, and I shook my head no. I stood to go to my room and turned round and told her I had blood in my panties and that it hurt real bad between my legs. The counselor didn’t give it two thoughts—we was on our way to the shelter nurse. I told the nurse that I should go to the doctor because I was in terrible pain, and they drove me to the county hospital.

I had to get four stitches and was told to soak in Epsom salt till I wasn’t tender anymore. I remembered Epsom salt from south Austin and wondered what Big Mama would’ve done if this happened with her. If I knowed ’em the way I thought I did, they’d all prob’ly say I got what was coming to me.

The doctor asked me what had happened, and I told him I didn’t know. He looked at me and asked me how it was that I didn’t know how I got a half-inch tear in my private parts. I don’t know what came over me, but right there and then in a breath that was so full of wicked, I got turned round and let my mind do all the talking. I just sat there and listened to myself let words fall right out my own mouth, like a witch with no teeth to hold her poison words inside her mouth. I could only watch, while they slid out biting everything in they path. There was nothing to hold my meanness in its rightful place. Them words came falling out one by one, not caring one bit ’bout what would be.

“I was raped. I was with my friend this weekend, and it happened there, at her place.”

Once I started my story, I couldn’t stop myself. It was like the devil hisself was whispering in my ear.
That’s right, keep on lying,
he said,
’cause don’t nobody love you anyway. You don’t matter to nobody.
For the first time in my life, I was the one sayin’ empty words that had no meanings. It was like paper ghosts on Halloween was now getting to say what they really felt like. I wasn’t sure what really happened an’ whose fault it was, but I wanted to get that fault away from me for sure. Plus, I thought that if I told ’em that I was raped, then that meant I wouldn’t have to leave the shelter and Miss Claire. I didn’t care ’bout myself; I just wanted to be with her. I told myself that they would have to do a big investigation and that that would take a long time, months, maybe even years—at least that’s how it was done on TV. Didn’t matter to me how long it took, I would be with Miss Claire just that much longer—anything was betta’ than nothing at all. I just kept sayin’ I was raped. I was raped. I was raped. I kept lettin’ them words tumble outta my mouth, and I watched the room while everybody in it stopped breathing the same air. We was all in that place where there was no talking, no moving. Nothing. I could almost hear the lying words crash into themselves in midair then fall and hit the ground, only to wait for somebody to come along and claim ’em.

I never knowed that words was so mighty. That they could make everybody stop in they own tracks and change things real fast-like. Seemed like no matter what was said, there was always a ear willing to listen and turn what I was saying into something with meaning. Words could make folks who regularly don’t hear, listen. There is also special words that if said with the mind of getting what you wanted in a time of danger, could make you get real strong, like a mama when a car is rolled over on her baby and she can lift that car all by herself. Like a knife, words can come and cut you ’cross the heart and bleed you for everything you worth. Or like a magic stick they can slow down time. Words can make believers outta folks who don’t believe. And b’fore you know what was even said, a commotion is started that you can’t even see. You can’t see it ’cause all you looking at is what you want, specially when it’s the thing you wake up every day and breathe for. All I wanted was to use the magic in words, to help me get my way for once. To not let them take what I wanted away from me. I was tired of believing every time somebody said something to me, only to have ’em turn round and deny on what was said without a concern in the world. I was tired of it. I was tired.

“Do you have any idea who may have done this to you?” the doctor asked me in front of the counselor.

“Well, it was night and it was dark, and I was sleeping in my friend Marlena’s bed. I was tired, so I went to bed before everybody else. Her and her family was sitting in the living room where I left ’em.” The doctor nodded at me to go on. “Well, I was laying on the bed just ’bout to go on to sleep, and somebody came through the window, and before I could yell or anything, they had a hand over my mouth. Then he blindfolded me and tied my hands up. I was tryin’ to pull away from him, but he was big and real strong. He laid down on top of me. Then he pulled out his thing and stuck it in me. I couldn’t scream.”

I watched them lies spill out onto my clothes and cover me with a cool darkness. I didn’t care. I couldn’t care. I never knew where to stand up and let that care help me stop those demon words of shame. All I pictured was me waiting for folks to come and get me, and nobody was showing up. I seen Glenn running to his kids while they came tumbling down a slide, and his arms was open wide to catch ’em so they wouldn’t fall and hurt they-selves. I even seen Ruby driving down the street in a new Cutlass Supreme, her boys ridin’ ’longside her. And I see me swinging on a ole rubber tire that was tied to a oak tree back on Big Mama’s property. And there was one of Big Mama’s gran’kids—standing on the side of the tree. He was wanting to ride the tire swing, and I wouldn’t let him ’cause it was still my turn. He turned round and picked up the biggest rock he could find and slammed it into the side of my head, making me fall off the swing. There was nobody to tell—nowhere to run. I knowed right then that I was nobody’s child. I belonged to no one. I put my hand over the knot that was coming and swore to God that one day I would be somebody’s someone and they would care if I cried.

“Do you know who he was?”

“Yeah. I think so.”

“Can you tell us who did this to you?”

I couldn’t believe myself. My mouth was gonna do it again. It was gonna open itself and just say whatever came to my mind. It was gonna blow life into something that wasn’t real— something imagined. It seemed like I wasn’t me no more. I wasn’t the part of me that knowed betta’. My mind took over. All I could see was me and the green plastic garbage bags that was gonna hold my belongin’s when I had to leave the shelter. And Claire, she prob’ly wouldn’t come to work that day ’cause she just wouldn’t wanna see me go. I couldn’t leave her. I just couldn’t. All I could see was that anytime somebody left me, they never cried or tried to get me to stay; they always just let me go. I never put up a fight, either; I just went along with whatever folks wanted me to do. But this time I didn’t wanna go. No, I didn’t wanna go to no stupid residential treatment facility. I was gonna stay in the shelter. The way I seen it was that if Miss Claire couldn’t take me home to be with her and her family, then I wasn’t gonna be with nobody else either!

“Naw. I can’t. I can’t tell you.” My counselor answered that the only way they could help me was for me to tell the whole truth. All I could hear was the words I’d just said still hangin’ in the air like they was waiting to be caught, dusted off, and put back in they place of darkness. With the twist of my magic stick, I could say the words to undo what I was ’bout to do. They would’ve said that I was just a stupid girl who didn’t know what I was doing or saying. And I could’ve got away with being just stupid or ornery. But then I thought if Miss Forde could have just a li’l more time to see how good I was for Claire, she would change her mind.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

AFTERWARDS

BY FRIDAY MORNING,
three days after I told my story ’bout the rape, Claire had come back to work, and I was the first thing she tended to when she arrived.

“Tell me now, who did this to you?” Miss Claire was sitting in front of me and asking me ’bout what happened on the weekend. She had found out ’bout the rape incident and was trying to get me to talk to her ’bout it, since I wasn’t telling nobody else too much. I couldn’t find the air in me to push the words out and call his name. I didn’t know who to tell on.

“Sweetheart, if you don’t let us know, we can’t help you.”

I started crying; not ’cause I was hurting or nothin’, but ’cause I couldn’t stop myself from spreading the lies. Like a pallet laid out for all to sit on, I spread them fibs wider than I myself could see. I lost sight of where it all stopped.

“I don’t know who it was. I think it might have been my friend’s friend. Or maybe it was Will; you know I told you ’bout him before. Anyway, there was a lotta boys there that night; it coulda been any of ’em.” I watched her face draw her eyebrows in together. “Or maybe I don’t know who it was.” I looked into Miss Claire’s eyes; they was trusting me so. Right then I did the worst I could do. I said, “I really do think it was Marlena’s father.” I didn’t even see my mind had left me till it came back round the way and tried to snatch what was said back. But I had said too much—I couldn’t grab hold of them words and take ’em back.

Miss Claire’s mouth closed tight, and she hung her head down low. That was all I could say ’bout it.

Tuesday came round soon ’nough. Miss Forde had told me she was coming in and that we was gonna go and talk ’bout what was gonna happen to the placement she had set up for me. I was called to the main office when she arrived.

“Hello, Regina, how are you feeling?” I answered, Fine. We went to one of the closed rooms where folks talked ’bout stuff they didn’t want the kids to hear.

“So I hear you’ve been raped.”

“Uh-huh.” I looked down at my hands and started biting the dry skin around my fingernails.

“Considering all that’s at stake here, one might hope that you’ll cooperate a little more. In light of this new information about the alleged rape, things are a bit up in the air. I need to find out what’s going on and hear your side of the story for myself.”

I didn’t wanna say nothing.

“Since the ball is already rolling for you to go to this new placement, you’re going to have to go to court and have a new dependency hearing. In the meantime, the courts are also going to be sending an investigator out to the Ballentinos’ house to find out more about what happened, so that charges can be pressed where they’re needed.”

Oh hell, I knew I was in for it now. My chest was pounding like somebody was trying to get out. “I don’t wanna press no charges against nobody. I wanna drop the whole thing. I don’t wanna get nobody in trouble. Just forget it.”

“That’s just too bad,” she came back at me. “You are an underaged minor—a ward of the court no less. There is no way the system is going to let someone get away with this. Plus, you don’t have to press the charges. We will!” Miss Forde slammed the palm of her hand down on the table and looked at me and kept right on goin’.

“These allegations are really serious, Regina, and if they are as you say, the state will arrest and prosecute Mr. Ballentino, because he was the adult in charge of your well-being. If we find him guilty, his life will not be the same as it was. I want you to think long and hard about what happened that night.”

I just wanted somebody to throw a bucket of water on me so I could melt right then and there, like that wicked-ass Witch of the West. I wondered if anybody had made my mama and daddy tell the truth when they would sit back and tell me all those lies just to get what they wanted. I didn’t see nobody running to investigate ’em for the wrong they was doing. Ruby still hadn’t got no money to come and get me. She’d been telling the same lie for fourteen years, and ain’t nobody caught her. And Glenn—what ’bout him? Why they got to get away with it all? No matter how I tried to make my mind right, the lie I told on my friend’s father was red-hot and burning a hole right on through me.