Some Boy (What's Love? #1) (26 page)

“I know, right? Never,” Izzy said, mostly serious, though she grinned. “Anyway, when you needed that pasta sauce last night, Kat, I was looking for an excuse to talk to him anyway. And I flirted and it worked. And then I got ready to go out and drank too much—”

“No! You, drunk?” Justin shut up again when we glared.

“—And I just got it into my head to just flat out ask him. I was just going to see if he wanted to come out with me for the night, but, you know, one thing led to another, and we, like, never left his room.” She looked between us and narrowed her eyes, getting her waggling finger out again. “But don’t you guys dare make a big deal out of it.”

We held up our hands with gasps of offence. “Us?”

“I’m serious. I don’t know what this is yet, and I don’t want you guys ruining it.”

We made cooing sounds, and Izzy blushed and glared at us.

“Seriously, we’re happy for you, Iz,” I said eventually. And I reached out and slapped Justin on the arm. “Aren’t we.”

“‘Course.”

“You’re just thinking about all the food shopping you’re not going to have to do,” Izzy said to him, pursing her lips disdainfully. Justin shrugged. And then they looked at me as I moved to get up from the table.

“You alright?” Izzy asked.

“Yeah. I’m fine. I just need to be alone for a bit. Got a few things to sort out.”

“Are you sure? You still seem stupidly calm.”
 

“Yeah. I’m dealing.”

“I guess you’re used to it,” Izzy said.

“To what?”

“To your parents doing stuff like this. It’s just like when you were with Mark at school. Didn’t they pay him off so that Whatshisname-Barrington the Third could take you to the Deb instead?”

“Yeah, it is a lot like that,” I agreed.

“Seriously? What is wrong with your folks?” Justin said.

“She just got everyone to cover for her though, even Barrington. They used the money to buy booze, and then made out with Mark out the back, while her parents were inside none the wiser.”

Justin shook his head, then got up from the table and came round to me, pulling me back against his chest and hugging his arms around my neck. He kissed me on the side of the head. “We’re here for you okay. No matter what.”

I nodded and felt tears welling. But I’d had enough of crying. I had things to do now. “I know. Thanks.” I felt bad, knowing how much they cared, and all the things I wasn’t sharing with them. But I’d tell them, soon, once I had things in place. For now all I had to hold onto were the little threads of secret thoughts and plans, and I didn’t want to share them yet. It was all too fragile.

So I hugged them both and left.
 

“It hasn’t hit her yet,” I heard Izzy mutter to Justin when they thought I couldn’t hear. And I smiled.
 

Then I got to work changing my entire life.

U
PHEAVED
, I
WROTE
on the page. Was that an actual word? I wasn’t 100% sure, but it sure described how my life felt after the last month. I’d taken to writing in a journal after the crazy Sunday Dinner, because I’d had so much inside that I felt I couldn’t talk to anyone about, and writing it down had got it out of my head. I kind of liked the experience, so I’d kept doing it, even after I’d let Izzy and Justin in on my plans.

I was trying to write now, sitting by myself in the corner of the coffee shop, but I felt too agitated to think straight. My heart was racing so much, my hand shook.
Fuck
. I wrote next. That was the only word I could think of. Then I flipped the cover shut to hide it when the waitress came to my table to refill my cup. That was the reason I’d come here, for the free tea and coffee refills, because I was watching my pennies now.
 

Thinking about money was a new experience, but I almost liked it. I liked fending for myself. I liked making all my own decisions, and not consulting my parents first. I occasionally talked to my mum now, but that was still courtesy more than desire. We had a long way to go if we wanted anything resembling a close relationship, but at least she was doing me a big favour now. Well, it was more of an exchange of favours, but it was a start. She appreciated me for it, for what I was doing for her, and I was grateful to her for the secrets she was keeping for me, so we were getting somewhere. But I drew a firm line at her having any interference whatsoever in my decisions. I’d tell her about them, but only if she butted the hell out. I knew it was hard for her, but she had managed so far.

But today I had butterflies. So many I felt a little sick. Today was the day I really made all these plans official, really committed to all these changes I’d been putting in motion.

And in all my new found independence, I was now waiting on the one person who could still make or break me, who could crush me more easily than I liked to admit. But I leaned into that intense vulnerability with everything I had, and waited. With the waitress gone, I flipped over my notebook again and stared at the two words I’d written.

Then under those I wrote,
Trust me.
I asked others to do that, so I was going to trust myself, if it was the last thing I did. I was terrified every day these days, but I was doing it anyway. And this was the moment of truth — no turning back after today.
 

I leaned into the window I sat by that gave me a view of the narrow street outside. I’d checked it every couple of minutes like this for the forty minutes I’d been sitting here. I’d been early. He was late. Nothing had changed, but my heart was racing.

I was learning to trust in myself, but did I trust him? I did, didn’t I? Otherwise why would I have done all this? There were ways I could have changed my life that didn’t involve this.
 

But then I caught a glimpse of him, the first time I’d seen him in person in a month. His hair was longer, and the wind ruffled it and whipped it across his eyes. I caught a glimpse of those eyes, intensely amber and gold in the pale Edinburgh afternoon. Then he disappeared for a moment as he ducked through the low door frame of the coffee shop. The bell over the door jangled as he pushed it, and my breath was caught in my throat. My heart seemed to thunder in my ears and everything was extra bright, extra loud.

He scanned the room. And then his eyes came to rest on me and his face broke into a grin so wide it must have hurt. All his bruises and cuts were healed now. There was nothing but clear face, wide lips, deep eyes. He looked better than I remembered. And I was grinning too, rising on shaky legs as he came towards me, slipping out from behind the table so that I could fall into his crushing greeting. His mouth found mine before we’d even said a word, and the whole coffee shop could have been staring for all I cared.

It had all been worth it. I’d made the right decision. From that moment I didn’t care what happened next, as long as I got to kiss him like this every day.

“I missed you,” he murmured by my ear when he broke away and hugged me tightly.
 

“Me too,” I said. We pulled back and grinned at each other for a few moments.

“You want to stay here? Or you want to come see my place?” he said, glancing down at the table then back at me.

“Your place, of course!” I reached down and gathered up my notebook and purse, and chucked them in the no-brand backpack that I carried in place of designer handbags these days; I’d sold most of them. I followed him towards the door. I shrugged into my coat as we went, but still, the frigid Scottish air hit me like I’d walked into a blast chilled freezer. It whistled up the narrow street like a wind tunnel.
 

Brendan noticed me shiver and put his arm around me, tucking me close. “It’s not far,” he said. We looked at each other for a moment longer, taking each other in, and then set off down the street.

“How have you been?” I asked him.

“I was on the phone with you last week. It’s not like we haven’t talked in all this time,” he said, looking down at me. It was a little awkward trying to walk so close together, but neither of us were willing to break the contact.

“Hardly, though.” We’d only had brief conversations when we needed to, and on other people’s phones to be safe. But it wasn’t just that. “It feels different,” I said. “I haven’t
seen
you.” My heart was still thudding, making me feel out of breath. “God, Brendan, the last time I actually saw you, I was shouting horrible things—” And that was the last time I had seen his face; the last look in his eyes had been pain.

“I know. I know, it is different.” He stopped abruptly and turned me to him to kiss me again. I backed up against the wall, and he crushed me there between the stones and his body, kissing me until we were both breathless. “And that was a horrible day, even if it did go according to plan,” he murmured.

“I know.” I shivered.
 

“Come on, let’s get home.” He gripped my hand and pulled me faster now, and we gave up talking to concentrate on jogging. He led me to a little row of terraces, and upstairs to a small flat. We shrugged off our coats as we entered.

“Well, this is it,” he said, stepping through into the kitchen-diner that was most of the house, and spreading his arms out. If they were a little longer, he probably could have touched both walls of the kitchen at once. “This is what I call home.”

“It’s—”

“Tiny, I know. But it’s all I can reasonably afford at the moment.”

“I was going to say it’s nice. It’s warm. And it doesn’t smell of smoke.”

“I made Becca quit. Pretty sure she still does when she’s out, but at least she doesn’t do it inside anymore. Baby steps.” I smiled at him.

“And Oli and Sam?” His brothers. We had never talked about them much over the phone. It had seemed too hard to bring up until we were face to face.

“They’re good. It’s…we’re getting there. Getting to know each other still, I think.” Brendan pressed his lips together for a minute. “It’s hard, and this place is a tiny dump really, but it’s good. It’s better than it’s been in a long time.”

My eyes welled; I moved to him and wrapped my arms around his waist. “I’m glad.”

“They’re all at school at the moment.”

“Even Becca?”

“Yeah, even her. As far as I know. But…I just meant—”

“What?”

“Well, if we want time alone we’ve got to make the most of it. I share a room with Oli and Sam.”

“Oh,” I said. And then, “Oh. I see.” I lifted my face from where I’d buried it against his chest and peeked up at him. He was grinning. I unwrapped my arms and slid them up to his neck, lifting on my toes to reach his lips.

Brendan gripped my hips and lifted me, and I wrapped my legs around his waist as he carried me through the small kitchen to a smaller hallway, and into the bedroom. Three single beds were crammed into the space, and we fell down onto his. I sighed as the weight of his body pressed into me, as his tongue grazed mine, and the scent of him engulfed me. He was already fumbling for the button on my jeans.

“I promise it will be more romantic next time,” he murmured against my mouth as I shimmied out of my jeans. “We just don’t have much time.” I just moaned as he slid his hand under my top and cupped my breast. “And I just want you so badly.”

I laughed and then groaned again. “Me too.”

He was slipping out of his jeans and underwear at the same time; I ripped off my top and bra, then opened my legs to wrap them around his bare hips. He pressed against me, pulsing and hard, but I still had my underwear on. He reached between us and gripped the thin fabric, then tugged it. They ripped as easily as paper.

“Brendan!” I gasped. “Don’t do that. I really can’t afford to buy more now,” I panted, but I was quickly becoming distracted again, by his hands roaming my body, and the tip of him against my heat.
 

“I’ll buy you some. From Poundstretcher.” I laughed, and then gasped as he thrust into me in one fluid motion. And then all words were gone as we moved together, my hips rising to meet him as he pressed deeper, pulled back and then possessed me again, over and over. I wanted it to never end. I clung to him, my naked breasts crushed against his hard chest, digging my fingers into his back, tangling them into his hair to keep his mouth on mine. And then we were panting sharply, our movements intense and rhythmic, and as I cried out and was washed away on a wave of heat, he dropped his face to my shoulder and groaned into me. And we seemed to flow into each other like melted stone.

As we cooled, we’d be inseparably joined.

I wondered if he’d say it then, finally. I hadn’t realised I’d been wondering it, until the moment came and went and he didn’t say anything, even thought that word, the L word, was burning on my tongue and in my heart. But I couldn’t be the first to say it again. I wasn’t sure I could take that step, after everything. It must have been clear how I felt, so I need him to be ready to say it too before we went there again.

I didn’t blame him. I didn’t resent him for it. Love was a tricky, screwed up concept everywhere we looked, and I didn’t want to get it wrong. So I just held him close, tangled in his small bed and grinned like a loon. Nothing would get in the way of this happiness.
 

We lay in glowing silence for a while, and I felt like I could go to sleep. But I knew it was coming to the end of school time, that we didn’t have time right now to bask for long. I took a deep breath and made to move, but Brendan’s arms tightened, and he held me to him.

“Stay a bit longer.” I didn’t take much convincing. I smiled.

“We’ve got plenty more days ahead of us to do this now,” I murmured.

“You’ve heard?”

“No, not yet. Not officially. But I told Izzy to check my mail for me while I’m gone and call me the second I get anything from Edinburgh Uni and I’m sure… I have to get in, right?”

“Yeah. ‘Course.”

“I mean, nursing is easy to get into, right?”

“Yeah.”

“But it is a competitive course. Edinburgh’s ranked top for studying nursing, so—”

“Kat.”

“Yeah.”

“It’ll be alright.” I sighed against his skin.