Some Boy (What's Love? #1) (11 page)

I think my mouth had already started turning up into a smile at the memory, so when Brendan turned his head and I came into his eye-line, I smiled unconsciously. So much for being cool and uncaring. His face flickered in a smile too, just a brief, small tug at the corners of his mouth, before his attention was drawn back to the customer in front of him.

And I suddenly felt sick. I did care. I couldn’t pretend otherwise. His nonchalance pierced me like a dagger in my stomach, and I turned away, feeling my pulse throbbing in my ears. I left the queue and pushed out of the packed cafe, and almost ran down the corridor to a back door of the union building which opened to the outside. I was pushing out into the frigid air and then tripping up the recessed staircase that led up to ground level, mortified and mortifying tears blurring my vision.

*-*-*

I heard the door open and shut behind me a few moments later. I was sitting on the edge of a garden bed, my back to the union building. I’d managed to keep the tears inside my eyes — they probably would have frozen solid the minute they hit my cheeks anyway. I was sitting, trying to breathe slowly, my arms tucked between my legs to keep warm. And I was feeling like an idiot for running away.

I assumed it was Izzy coming to find me. But then the heaviness of the foot steps jogging up the stairs made my heart stand still, and I glanced around to confirm. I jumped to my feet and took a step backwards, like I was about to flee.
 

“What are you doing out here?” Brendan slowed his ascent for the last two steps, looking me over. I tried to relax my tightly wound body.

“Ah, you know, getting some fresh air.”

“Fresh is the word.” Brendan half-laughed, but his eyebrows dipped momentarily. He had crossed his arms over his chest and tucked his hands into his armpits. I was doing similar, except my arms wrapped around my stomach, trying to keep the strange nausea at bay. The skin on my face felt tight and icy. At least any redness from my suppressed tears might just pass as cold.

“Aren’t you meant to be working?” I said, at the same moment as he said, “Why’d you run out?”

We laughed awkwardly, doing little, cold shuffles where we stood.

“Uh, I just took my break. You okay?”

I pressed my numb lips together and stared at him. I was going to say yes. I was fine. ‘Course. But then I felt angry. Did he not even have an inkling about what I was feeling? No apology for going incommunicado? Or was there no point even getting angry — maybe this just told me everything I needed to know? To him, this was not a relationship, this was just a convenience.
 

I let out a heavy breath.
 

“It’s nothing. Just — if you don’t want to see a girl, just tell her. Don’t just disappear. But I’ve got the message now. You should go back to work.”

Brendan moved towards me. “What are you talking about? You think I don’t want to see you?”

I shrugged, not meeting his eye. “It’s fine, Brendan. The way we started, it’s not like I expected anything anyway.”

He stopped, still a step away from me. I glanced at his face and felt a twisting in my chest. His jaw was tight.

“Why do you always go straight to that dismissive shit? Look, if you don’t care either way, then I’ll stop wasting my time too.” He was turning, and I shot my hand out and grabbed his arm, grimacing as I did it. I composed my face in a hurry as he looked down at my hand on his forearm, then up at my face.

Was I doing it again? Playing a game, as Justin said. Pushing him away. I blinked at Brendan, my eyes wide as I tried to think clearly. I always felt so confused around him. He was just watching me patiently, still half-turned away.

“I’m not—“ I cleared my throat. “Sorry.” I clenched my teeth briefly, but I let the apology stand. Maybe I did have my guard up, maybe I was overreacting as Justin had seemed to think I was. I felt a flush of heat all over, but it wasn’t lust. It was complete embarrassment. I dropped my hand away from his arm and tried to smile. Brendan didn’t return it.

“I don’t want to play games, Kat,” he said, and I winced. “I just thought we were having fun, that this was something good. What are you expecting from me?”

“Nothing. A call maybe. Or just a message, even?”

“I’m out of credit,” he said. “I don’t get paid till tomorrow.” His face was tight and his nostrils flared slightly. For the first time, he didn’t look me in the eye.

“Oh. Right.” The air felt thick in my lungs. I almost said I’d buy him some credit if he wanted, even opened my mouth to say it, but I stopped myself. A little squeak of sound came out though, as I cut off the words, and I covered it by clearing my throat. “What about, like, email?” I added. “Or just showing up on my doorstep? Usually you’re good at that.”

“I was busy, okay. I wasn’t in at uni, so I couldn’t use the internet. And, I don’t know, I thought you’d probably have a lot of family stuff going on. I thought you’d call me if you wanted me there.
You
could have called. It’s the twenty-first century.”

I felt a surge of frustration again. I wasn’t being unreasonable. Was I? But that’s what Izzy had said too, that he was just giving me space. “No family stuff. I haven’t even talked to my parents since Friday. I…” I pressed my lips together as tears sprung to my eyes again. This was ridiculous. Why did I always seem to be crying around him? “Forget it.” I went to push past him to go back inside. I was starting to shake with the cold, and with a hint of rage too.

“Kat.” He caught me this time and spun me round. One hand went to the back of my neck, and he pulled me into a rough kiss. I kissed him back at first, but it was like a fight instead of an embrace. And eventually I broke away.

“No. I’m sorry if this is all you wanted, but I can’t do this. Not with you.” I took a step backwards, retreating with my hands up. I wobbled on the edge of the steps behind me, and Brendan put his hand on my elbow to steady me.

“What do you mean, not with me?” he asked quietly. He stood close, looking down at me. I couldn’t look into his face. I chewed on my lip, then sighed.

“Because I like you too much, okay? I’m sorry if that scares you off, but there it is. I like you, and I can’t do just sex—“

The doors below us opened and I stiffened, waiting awkwardly until the two girls exiting had climbed the stairs and passed us and we were alone again. I’d lost a bit of my nerve by that time. “I can’t do that with you, okay. Maybe that makes me pathetic, but I’m not up for that pain right now.”

“Did I ever say all I wanted was sex anyway?”

“Did you say otherwise?”

“I thought I showed you.” I frowned at him. He just turned his face away. “You can’t like me anyway. You don’t know me.”

I opened and closed my mouth a couple of times. “Because you won’t fucking let me,” I said, louder than I meant to, just as the doors opened again and more people came out, glancing warily in our direction. Brendan glared at them menacingly until they hurried past, then pulled me by my arm around the corner, away from the staircase.
 

“Maybe you’re right,” he said, and I felt like I’d been slapped.
 

“About what?”

“That this is not a good idea.”

“I didn’t say that.” Did I? I hadn’t meant it if I had. I’d just wanted him to tell me he wanted more than just an occasional fuck buddy. And now I was regretting that, but feeling disgusted with myself for it. I couldn’t even stick to my guns for five minutes.

“There’s a reason I don’t talk about my life. It’s because there’s nothing to tell. Nothing that wouldn’t send you running.”

I shook my head. “Don’t be ridiculous,” I said, but a little knot of anxiety curled in my gut.

Brendan just laughed without humour. “I’m not joking.”

“What’s so bad? I don’t care that you don’t have money—” I cut myself off even before I saw the tightening around Brendan’s eyes. Wrong thing to say.

“This is not about money,” he said thinly.

“Fine. Sorry. Cut me some slack — if you won’t tell me anything, what am I meant to think?”

“Why are we even doing this?”

“Fucked if I know. You were in wet jeans the first time I met you. I should have known better.”

“You should have.”
 

I barked a harsh laugh and shook my head at him. A smile flickered at the corner of Brendan’s mouth, but that just made me angrier.

“You’re a jerk, you know that?”

“Am I?” His nostrils flared slightly and his supercilious grin disappeared.

“Yep. A selfish, moronic jerk.”

He made a face and clapped his hand to his chest in mock pain.

”You
do
know me, then. I was wrong.”

I rolled my eyes.

“And I definitely don’t like you. I don’t know what I was thinking.” I jabbed my finger at his chest petulantly and went to turn away. Brendan caught my arm and pulled me back to him. He kissed me again. The fighting kiss, like a battle to prove something. But then I felt myself sinking into him. I couldn’t stop it. His body was warm, his tongue hot in my mouth. And the kiss turned from struggle to seduction. Or maybe that was his battle tactic — either way it was working. I was lost.
 

His hands roved my body, gripping my backside and pressing my hips into his. I was crushed to his body, feeling every cell stir to life at his touch.
 

When we broke away, his eyes were dark pools as we breathed foggily into the space between us, panting. I still couldn’t read him. His desire was obvious, but beyond that, I could never tell what he was really thinking. And as much as it frustrated me, it also drew me to him. Was that messed up? Was I just wanting to think there was more to him than sex and unreliability, so I could play out some fucked up fantasy that I could ‘save’ him?

But then he stroked my cheek with his thumb gently and rested his forehead against mine with a sigh.

“I’m sorry I didn’t get in touch. I honestly thought you might just want space. That being around me wouldn’t be good for you.”

“Why?” I murmured.

“Because I do stupid stuff. And I don’t want to drag you into my fucked up world.”

I was searching his eyes, shaking my head with our foreheads still resting together. “Don’t say that.”

“You don’t know—”

“Then let me,” I said, putting my hands firmly either side of his face as I said it so he couldn’t pull away. But he didn’t seem to try anyway. He just leant against me more heavily, watching me, some inner battle going on. And maybe that was the struggle, not with me, but with something in himself.

“Alright.”

“Alright, what?”

“If you want to get to know me, we can, you know, go on a date or something. That’s how it normally goes, right?”

I smiled. “Yeah, I guess it is.”

“Tomorrow night?”

“Okay.”

He kissed me again, softly. Then broke away. “I have to get back to work. Simone won’t be able to cover for me forever.”

“Aren’t you on your break?”

“I lied. I just wanted to come after you. See if you were okay.”

I slapped his chest gently. “Brendan. That’s kind of romantic but really stupid. Don’t lose another job doing stupid things like that.”

He held up his hands in surrender and grinned. “I’ll text you tomorrow.” He was already backing away. I felt icily cold again now that his body was away from mine, and I shivered as I watched him go. I wanted to ask him what he was doing tonight, whether he wanted to come over. But how could I ask him to come jump in my bed when I just made a big deal out of getting to know him? And if he’d been free tonight, wouldn’t he have said so?

So I just smiled and waved a little awkwardly as he turned and headed down the stairs to the door that led back inside. I waited a moment, then followed too, stamping my feet and shaking my hands as I went to get the blood recirculating. My heart was still pounding, but all the blood flow seemed to be concentrated into certain throbbing parts. My extremities felt like they were approaching frost bite.

I went back into the cafe. Izzy and Justin were still sitting in the corner, eating their food, but their eyes were trained on the doorway, waiting for my return obviously, because when I appeared, both their eyebrows shot up and they were smirking. I unconsciously reached up to smooth down my hair.

I glanced over at where Brendan was back on the register, and he flicked his eyebrows at me with a smirk of his own. I flushed and turned away, weaving through the tables back to my friends. I flopped down in the chair, plonked my elbows on the table, my chin in my hands, and sighed.

“Nice chat?” Justin said.

“Fine, you were right. We just needed to talk.”

“And?” Izzy was wiggling her eyebrows.

“And…we’re going on a date tomorrow night.” Izzy gave a little squeal of delight, and Justin rolled his eyes.

“Girls,” he huffed, turning back to his phone. But he was stifling a smile.
 

And I was failing to hide a grin of my own. I’d told myself not to feel too excited. This was still Brendan, he was still frustrating as hell, and one normal date was no guarantee of anything good coming from this. But I felt bubbles of excitement fizzing to the surface. And I let myself feel it for a moment. Let myself feel the hum of pleasure and anticipation that was about more than just getting him into bed.

Though the thought of that was good, too.

“L
OOKING
HOT
,
CHICKADEE
.” Izzy was poking her head into my room unannounced again. This was becoming a habit. I didn’t mind so much when I was on my own, but she’d better start knocking when I wasn’t. Which I hoped was more often after tonight.

And then she was pushed through the doorway by Justin. They both entered and Justin shut the door behind him.
 

“Uh, thanks for the support guys, but I’m fine without an audience,” I said, pausing mid swipe of my lip gloss to look at them.
 

“No worries. I’m just hiding from Damien. I ate his corn chips, and I think he’s in the kitchen now planning to make nachos.”

“Justin.” Izzy and I both sighed in unison. We’d never hear the end of this. We’d forgotten to replace his pancake mix from the other morning too, and Damien hadn’t got over that yet.