Solipsis: Escape from the Comatorium (39 page)

“
She
looks so young.”

“
She's
practically shiny.”

“
What
are you?” Nellie asks. A light rain echoes off a glass roof.
“When I say that I miss my deceased grandmother, what do I
mean? Do I miss her physical body? Do I miss her soul? When I say
'her' what am I referring to really? The physical brain? The
consciousness that the brain produces? Or just the entity which
interacts with me, causes me to feel good or bad? Do we like a person
as a whole, do we like what they do to us on a chemical level? What
is that person exactly?”

“
Am
I just my brain? The molecules of our bodies are constantly being
replaced, recycled, so that from one year to another, we're composed
of different matter. Okay, so it's not the physical material we're
concerned with, it's the consciousness it produces. In that case I'm
not even the brain, I'm the present electrical state of the brain.
That's like saying that we're not a computer, just what the computer
creates when it is on. When the power goes out...so do we.”

“
You
might think, so what, what difference does it make how we think about
it? I know who I am. Except that you aren't you. In fact, there's no
such thing as you. It's all an illusion.”

“
Every
time we sleep, we wake up as a different person. It's a different
consciousness, and everything that came before I woke up this
morning, was not me, was not this consciousness, it was a different
consciousness produced by a different brain. Yesterday-me was only
very slightly different, but was a physically different brain. When
we wake up, all of the facts of our lives, who we are, what we've
done, all of our memories, how we feel, everything is just
information. Nothing more.”

The
video cuts out, returning to the display showing the video file in a
folder.

“
It's
all just information,” Renee says.

“
Putting
the word 'just' in there implies that it's somehow inferior. Inferior
to what? What else would memories and emotions be? Of course they're
just
information,
what else could they be?”

“
Wanna
watch it again?”

“
Yeah,”
the other Renee replies quietly.

“
I
want you to euthanize me.”

“
What?”
Renee wakes up, trying to place the voice. Renee is in her bed, in
her room. the other Renee is in another room, an exact copy of this
room.

“
I
want you to euthanize me,” Gwen repeats. Her voice is shallow,
raspy, barely audible. Renee sits up, rubbing her eyes. Gwen sits
down next to her. “I've seen things that nobody should see. At
a certain point, death is preferable to continued existence.”

“
Mom,
what are you talking about?”

“
Please,
I just don't want to go on.”

“
Things
will get better, okay, you've still got centuries in front of you,
things will get better, life goes on.”

“
Not
for me. My life has run its course.”

“
Mom,
I can't help you commit suicide.”

“
Then
I'll ask the other you,” Gwen gets up and walks out. Renee
peels herself from the covers and follows. She finds Gwen already
sitting next to the other Renee, who groggily wakes up.

“
Please,”
Gwen says.

“
What
are you talking about?”

“
She
wants us to help her die,” Renee says from the doorway. “Just
tell her we can't let her do that.”

“
It's
not our choice to stop her,” the sleepy Renee replies, sitting
up.

“
What?!”

“
If
that's what she wants...Who are we to say she can't.”

“
I
say she can't”

“
It's
her call, not yours!”

“
She's
not doing it, end of story.”

“
Please,
it's what I want,” Gwen pleads. “I just want to go
quietly. No more suffering, no haunting nightmares, just have it all
be over. We aren't evolved to live forever and handle all the baggage
that comes with that life-span. Were meant to die. It's a natural
part of life. Please, help me do it.”

“
See,
we can't make that call for her,” Renee says, wrapping her arm
around her mother. The other Renee stands in the doorway, arms
crossed, ready to fight for this.

“
I
will not allow her to die, and that's the end of the story.”

“
It's
not your call.”

“
How
can we have such a different opinion on this, we're the same god damn
person!”

“
Apparently
we're not the same person.”

Gwen
stares into space, mesmerized by the absurd situation.

“
What
are you saying? Are you trying to claim you're the original again?”
Renee demands from the doorway.

“
No,
not original, just different. I had that near-death experience in the
Comatorium. I know what death is like. Mom's right, it's natural,
it's a part of life. It's not something to be afraid of. You won't
suffer your non-existence in the future anymore than you suffer your
non-existence during the renaissance.”

“
That
damn drug trip again!? Come on, you were high on DMT, there's nothing
magical, there's no soul or a heaven, no bright light.”

“
It
doesn't matter if it's real. It's the experience that matters.”

“
So
can I die or not?” Gwen asks pathetically. Renee holds her
closer to comfort her.

“
We're
going to respect your wishes.”

“
No,”
Renee says from the doorway.

“
It's
him or me,” Seth demands. “You can't be dating both of
us.”

“
Why
not, there's two of me.”

“
What
she said,” the other Renee agrees. The three of them stand in
the observation dome of the house.

“
You
can't have two boyfriends, and besides he hates me.”

“
What
does it matter? I mean, when you can live forever, it's quite a tall
order to say, yeah, let's be monogamous forever.”

“
It's
not right,” Seth replies.

“
We
don't have to think like that here,” Renee replies.

“
I
just don't understand, I want to love you, but I can't,” Seth
says.

“
Why
not?”

“
What
kind of love is that?” Seth asks.

“
So
you can't love someone unless you also own them and nobody else can
get their dirty hands on them. What kind of love is
that?
”

“
Well
I can't be involved in something I think is...” Seth trails
off.

“
A
sin?”

“
Yeah,”
he gulps.

“
You've
got a lot to learn,” a Renee says coldly.

“
I
know my beliefs,” Seth replies.

“
Why
are you still a Christian. After all this. You still believe that
crap.”

“
It's
not crap. Okay, just because my dad went off the deep end, that
doesn't prove it's wrong. There are extremists in any group that take
things too far, that doesn't mean the ideas are wrong.”

The
Renees look at each other, both knowing what to say next.

“
If
you keep being a Christian, then I can't have anything to do with
you.”

“
Why
are you so intolerant? Jesus commanded you to love your enemies, to
turn the other cheek. What's wrong with that?”

“
The
fact that you think that's true because of who said it and not on
merit.”

“
When
good is defined by your god, then you can justify anything you want,
every religious person constructs their own god that happens to agree
with them. You don't ever meet someone who's for gay rights but
thinks that god hates gays. People make their own gods so that they
can justify their beliefs as being divinely inspired.”

“
So
when you introduce the idea that truth comes from god, you're writing
a blank check for every religious person to act on behalf of their
personal god, which is nothing but their ego and pre-conceived
notions run amok.”

“
You
really hate religion don't you,” Seth says defensively, being
double teamed.

“
Yes!”

“
Why?”
Seth asks, “everything you say about it, all these logical
arguments and bringing up the crusades and philosophy, but the
experience of being religious and spiritual has nothing to do with
those things, it's a loving group of people coming together to be
better people and make the world a better place through charity and
love and it's not this evil thing. Most of the time it's just about
respecting other people, love, etc. So why do you hate it so much?”

“
Because
I care about what's true,” Renee replies.

“
I
was just gonna say because it's a superstitious Bronze-Age cult of
human sacrifice, but that's good too,” the other Renee adds.

“
You
can put a negative spin on anything, okay, there's nothing inherently
wrong with loving Jesus.”

“
Let's
suppose that you are a poor farmer,” Renee begins. “One
day a priest comes along and offers you a great harvest if you donate
to his church. If you don't give him anything, he tells you that his
god will punish you with a famine. So you pay up. The next day,
another man comes along, this one represents a different temple, but
tells you the same thing: give him money, or his god will punish you.
You pay up. The next day, a third guy comes along. You realize you're
being swindled.”

Seth
is immediately restless.

“
You're
tired of being a poor farmer, and you have an idea. You go into town
and claim that god has spoken to you, or better yet, you are a child
of the one true god. People have been hearing that churches and
temples need money and sacrifices, they've been had by swindlers. But
you...you're not asking for any of that. All you ask is for their
belief. The shamans and priests are always talking about how god will
bless believers with good crops, health, etc. You can promise these
too, but when a shaman promises that a sick boy will live, and he
dies, then his god doesn't seem very powerful. If you promise
results, you can't then be wrong. You come up with a new plan: you
call the town to attention and announce that if they believe in your
god, they will be rewarded upon death with eternal life in god's
kingdom in the sky, reunited with fallen loved ones. Infinite
rewards, forever. But, there's no way of proving you wrong.”