Sold Out (9 page)

Better to forget such nonsense (not that Cesar is nonsense—he’s definitely not). But I think I need to focus more on my music—and God, of course!

Totally rad night! The best!!! And I’m not just talking about our performance either. The evening started out with some college kids (most of them used to go to McFadden) sharing about how the shooting at their high school had impacted their lives during the past two years. Even Josh and Caitlin got up to share—a complete surprise to me since I thought they’d come all this way just to hear us perform. But what they said was really cool and I think it touched the crowd.

About ten kids shared altogether, including Caitlin’s good friend Beanie Jacobs (I think I liked what she said the best), but it was interesting to hear how each person had been touched in a completely different way. And as Caitlin said, there’s no way of knowing how far a life like Clay’s might reach. And I can personally attest to that since it was at his very gravestone where I found God. I still get blown away when I think of what happened that day. I even shared a little bit about it—very briefly—before we started to play.

And it felt so good to be back together again
as a band (without Willy stepping in for Laura—although we still tease him about that). And I think we sounded pretty hot too—if I do say so myself. Obviously, I wouldn’t say this in public, it would sound annoyingly arrogant, but I can say it in the privacy of my diary. We were really, really on fire tonight!!! It’s like it all just came together, better than any practice we’ve ever had. Better than when we made our CD. Way better than the Battle of the Bands—and there was no barfing tonight. It’s like we really connected and then we got energized by the crowd. Their reaction to our music was unbelievable! I had in no way expected them to be so responsive. It was very cool. I still get goose bumps to think about it. We did an encore. Fortunately, we had a song all planned. (Okay, we had a feeling it could happen—or at least we hoped it would.)

Then after we finished, Pastor Tony spoke for a bit. He didn’t talk for long, but what he said was straight from the heart. He even got a little teary eyed when he read a letter that Clay had written to him a few months before the shooting. I’m pretty sure at least half the audience was in tears by the time he finished. Then he invited Redemption back up, and we played this song that he’d asked us to end with. It’s a song Clay wrote before he was killed. We could barely keep from choking up while we sang. Really powerful lyrics.

Then Greg, our youth pastor, came up and invited people who wanted to show that they were committing or recommitting their lives to Christ to raise their hands. Now, I know we were supposed to have our heads bowed and not looking around, but I couldn’t help myself, plus I had a good vantage point up on the stage. But in a way I
was glad that I did because it looked like nearly everyone raised their hands. It was totally amazing.

Now here’s the best part of the whole night-even better than how fantastic it felt to play to a crowd who by all appearances loved us. Among the kids at the concert (and a lot of them were friends from school) I had spotted Marissa and Jake standing with Cesar, and I’m guessing he brought them. AND when Greg made his invitation, all three of them raised their hands.

Now, I’m not positive this really means something. It’s entirely possible they were just reacting to peer pressure and didn’t want to feel left out for being the only ones not responding. Only God knows for sure. But I am believing they meant it. And I’m praying for all of them—that they’ll take it seriously.

It’s funny though, because not long ago I really wanted school to be over and done with. But now, after seeing all these particular kids raise their hands, I’m not so sure. It makes me kind of sad to think we’ve got less than two weeks left. I guess we’ll have to think of some fun things to do with everyone this summer. Something to encourage them to hang in there. Maybe Greg will have some ideas.

I got to talk to Josh and Caitlin for a little while after the concert. They were both heading
back to their colleges since it’s the week before finals, and it sounds as if they’ve got a lot of studying to do. In light of that, I’m really impressed that they came at all. I couldn’t help but watch them as they spoke to each other. I was worried they might act kind of stiff and formal, considering what they went through last winter. But to my relief they acted like old friends. They even hugged each other (and me) when it was time to go. I’m so glad Josh isn’t mad about her breaking up with him anymore.

“Can you believe it’s been two years since we lost Clay?” he said to Caitlin.

“In some ways it seems like it happened just a few weeks ago,” she said. “But then it seems like another lifetime too. We’ve all changed so much since then.”

Josh nodded. “Yeah, we’ve all grown up a lot.”

She smiled. “Some of us are still growing.”

Josh laughed and pointed at himself. “And some of us still have a long way to go too.”

Josh seems changed. It may be my imagination, but I don’t think so. He seems more humble or quiet or thoughtful. I’m not sure how to describe it, but it’s good. Before, he used to come across as kind of this know-it-all, but now he seems to listen more. He seems softer somehow. But not in a wimpy way. It’s hard to explain. But I really like it. I guess he’s just maturing, which I know
sounds silly coming from the “baby” sister. But there were some years when I absolutely could not stand my “Mr. Perfect” brother. He could act so superior sometimes. But now he’s different.

And I wonder if Caitlin’s breakup has something to do with it. Or maybe not. Caitlin seems pretty much the same, only older and more mature. I used to think she was a little shallow sometimes. Okay, shallow’s not the right word, because she’s always been sort of deep too. But I used to compare her to some of the preppy chicks that I was so mad at. I suppose I even categorized her with them. I know that was wrong. Still, I think she’s changed too. Maybe it has something to do with her roommate, Liz Banks. I know those two have been through a lot this year. But when I asked, Caitlin said things are going much better with Liz now.

“She’s still searching,” Caitlin said. “So keep praying for her.”

“I am. Man, you should see my prayer list these days.”

“Do you pray for every single one of them every day?” asked Josh. But the way he asked wasn’t like he was checking up on me (like he used to), but more like he was really interested.

“Actually, I ask God to show me who to pray for,” I said kind of sheepishly. “I’m not sure I could handle the whole list at once. Then I just
pray for whichever names seem to jump out at me.” “Cool.” Josh smiled and put his arm around my shoulders. “You know what, Chloe?”

“What?”

“I am so proud of you.”

I smiled. For some reason that meant a lot to me. “Thanks.”

“Me too,” agreed Caitlin. “And your band is unbelievable.” She shook her head dramatically. “I mean it; you guys sound as good as anything I’ve heard on the radio.”

I was getting kind of embarrassed now (well, loving it too). But I thanked her and told her I’d pass her comments on to Laura and Allie. And then they both had to take off. It was hard to see them go—and then I realized they’d be back for summer break! They both have jobs here in town, and they’re planning to go to the Mexico orphanage mission at the end of summer—at the same time!!! Maybe I’ll see if I can tag along.

I’ve made a habit not to write too much about Tiffany Knight in my diary during the past few months. Not because she’s turned into some wonderful and lovely person, but I guess I thought it was better not to give her too much attention, since she was still taking her shots at me on a fairly regular basis. No more shoving me against the lockers, but she gets her little snipes in.

But here’s what’s weird.

She was nice to me today. “Nice,” is that the right word? Maybe according to Allie’s definition, which would be something like this: “obnoxiously polite and falsely sweet.” Yeah, I guess that’s kind of how she seemed, but I could be wrong.

Okay, I know that sounds judgmental. But this is a girl who made my life unbelievably miserable last fall. A girl who has taken every possible opportunity to slight me or dis me or even elbow me in the hallway (always acting like it’s an accident). This is a girl that I have to ask God to help me forgive almost every time I see her coming—or
seventy times seven. (Since that’s how many times Jesus says we need to forgive someone who offends us—it’s intended to mean infinity.) And of course Tiffany and her wannabes have offended me so many times that it feels like infinity.

But anyway, today she comes up to me after choir and smiles and says, “Congratulations on your concert, Chloe.”

Well, I didn’t even say anything at first. Like I was waiting for the next shoe to fall or for her to whack me over the head or to pull the rug out or something else totally mean. But she just stood there, smiling. Now, I hate to say it, but this girl’s smile is a scary thing.

“Uh, thanks.” I’m sure I was frowning slightly with unbelief. I started to move toward the door, kind of embarrassed that a few other girls were watching us, including Laura who was waiting in the hallway for me with a surprised expression on her face.

“And,” Tiffany continued loudly as if to stop me from exiting. “I was hoping we might start to get along better from now on.”

Okay, I had to bite my tongue just then. I mean, literally. I could feel my teeth clenching down on the tip of my tongue and it hurt. But I was thinking, “we” could get along better? What’s with this “we” business? When have I ever initiated anything the least bit confrontational with her?
She’s the one who’s acted like a complete moron this whole year. Still, I managed to keep my mouth shut for a few seconds. It must’ve been a God-thing.

“You do believe in forgiving, don’t you, Chloe?”

I nodded, studying her face, trying to see what she was really hoping to accomplish here. Was she serious? “Yeah,” I finally said, “forgiving is what Jesus is all about.”

“So?”

“Of course.” I nodded again, firmly this time, forcing my head to move up and down as if to convince myself too. “I do forgive you.”

She smiled again. “Good. I was hoping we could become friends.” She glanced toward the hallway. “With Laura too.”

I forced a smile to my lips. By now it felt as if everyone in choir was staring at us, not to mention Mr. Thompson, our choir director, who was still standing by the piano, pretending to sort papers. “Yeah, that’s cool,” I said. “My goal is to be friends with everyone, no matter who they are.” I didn’t really mean that last bit as a jab, but she could take it however she wanted.

So now I’m wondering, what in the world does this mean? Am I making too much of it? And why does it make me so nervous? I know I should just trust God with the whole stupid thing. But it’s a bit unnerving. Laura laughed and said, “Even if
Tiffany is buddying up to us because the popular kids like Cortney and Torrey have been treating us nicely, well, what of it? Just let it go, Chloe. No big deal.”

And I suppose it is preferable to being bullied by Tiffany and her steadily shrinking group of wannabes. Still, I guess I don’t completely trust her. And the truth is, I don’t really want to be friends with her either. Not that I want to be her enemy anymore, or her target either. But FRIENDS??? Give me a break!

On a happier note, it’s been interesting talking to Marissa and Jake this week. And this is my take on what happened with them on Monday night. I could be totally loopy, but I think Jake has sincerely made a commitment to God. Cesar agrees with me. But we’re still not too sure about Marissa. And yet we don’t want to judge her either. But something about her doesn’t quite ring true. Allie agrees with us on this too, but Laura says we’re wrong. Which is really ironic, if you think about it.

“You guys are starting to act like I did when Pastor Rawlins was always harping at us,” Laura said as we carried our trays over to the table where Marissa and the guys were already sitting. Oddly enough, Spencer was there with them today.

“That’s not true,” said Allie. “But something about Marissa just doesn’t feel quite right to me.”

“I’m sure she could be close to making a commitment,” I continued quickly as we neared the table. “But I don’t think—”

“No judging,” said Laura in a quiet but stern voice as we drew within earshot.

“Hey, Spencer,” I said with a smile. “Long time no see.”

He made a half smile or maybe it was a grimace; I’m not sure. “Yeah? Well, I figured I might not be welcome at the goody-goody table anymore. Seems like everyone’s going nuts on me here.” He shot a look toward Jake.

“Come on, Spence,” said Allie lightly. “You are among shoplifters, ex-drug users, witches, and hey, I’ll come clean with you—I still smoke a cigarette now and then.”

“You do?” I eyed Allie curiously. “You told me you’d stopped.”

“I did, mostly.” She grinned sheepishly. “But sometimes, I don’t know, something comes over me and I just—”

“And I still cuss when I get really mad,” admitted Cesar. “I mean, I’m trying to stop, but it’s a pretty hard habit to break.”

“And I still have these horribly mean thoughts about certain people,” I confessed, thinking of Tiffany. “I even had one today. And the Bible says that’s as bad as murder.”