Sock it to Me, Santa! (5 page)

She smiled and nodded. “Did Jamie make you a present too?”

“No. Well, someone did, but I don’t know who. It’s a mystery.”

“Oh?” my mom said. “Let’s see what you got.”

“Yeah, I wanna seeee,” Dakota said.

I went and got the bracelet from my bag. “It’s a friendship bracelet,” I said, holding it out.

“Aren’t you gonna wear it?” Dakota said.

I slipped the bracelet on and sat back down on the sofa.

Dakota gave me a satisfied smile. She crawled onto my lap and plucked at the bracelet with her fingers. “Friendship bracelets are nice,” she said. “I think Jamie made it. Cause he’s your friend.”

“It looks good on you,” my mom said. “It matches your hair.”

“Yeah. I like it,” I said. “We’ve got one more gift to make for the exchange. What workshop are you running next week?”

“We’re making centerpieces out of fresh pine.”

“That’s not very helpful, Mom.”

“Sorry, hon. I think you’re on your own this time.”

“I’ll help you,” Dakota said. “I’m good at making stuff.”

“Yes, you are,” I said, giving her a squeeze.

When I stood to go up to my room, my mom said, “Don’t forget we’re going to the movies tomorrow. You can invite a friend if you like.”

“You can invite Jamie,” Dakota said. “He’s your friend.”

I placed both hands on my hips and looked down at her. “Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. Now I know what I’m gonna get you for Christmas.”

Her eyes grew big. “What?”

“A t-shirt that says ‘Jamie’s #1 Fangirl’.”
 

She giggled. “Oh, yeah? Well I’m gonna get you a t-shirt that says ‘Jamie’s #1 Fanboy’.”

I stared at her with my mouth agape as she jumped off the couch and took off running. “You are so dead,” I yelled, chasing after her.

My mom laughed. “You walked right into that one, Ryan.”

* * * * *

Needless to say, I did not invite Jamie to the movies on Saturday. Dakota got to pick the movie, of course, which is how I ended up seeing “Wreck-It Ralph.” It might as well have been titled “Wreck-It Ryan.” Jamie had sent me a Facebook friend request the night before, and I’d been fretting over it ever since. People at school had hundreds of Facebook friends; it didn’t mean anything. It didn’t even mean they were actual friends. But I couldn’t help worrying that if I accepted his friend request, people would notice. They’d wonder why we were friends and what that meant. What if Jamie posted something on my wall and other people saw it?
Thanks for the ride home, Ryan.
What would people think?
Thanks for returning my shoes, Ryan.
What would they say about me?

* * * * *

I needed to talk to Jamie. In private. But the universe was working against me. Whenever I caught a glimpse of him at school, there were people around. I figured my only chance was to catch him after knitting club. I waited outside the room for a while, trying to get a glimpse of him. I couldn’t see him, but he did chime in during a heated discussion about continental versus English knitting. Those girls took their knitting very seriously.

As soon as I heard the sounds of them packing up, my stomach twisted in a knot. I walked down the hall and bent over, fiddling with my shoelace so it wouldn’t seem like I’d been waiting. Jamie looked startled when he saw me, and he quickly shoved the black and white creation he’d been holding into his bag. He stopped when he’d caught up to me.

“What are you doing?” he said.

I straightened up and looked around to make sure no one was within earshot. “I thought… I thought I could give you a ride home.”

Jamie eyed me warily. “Why?”

“I wanted a chance to talk to you.”

He hiked his bag on his shoulder. “Okay.”

I tried to stick to safe topics of conversation on the ride over to his house. “How was practice?” I said.

“Practice?”

“You know. Knitting practice.”

He snorted. “It’s a not a sport. We don’t call it
practice
.”

“Oh. Sorry, that was stupid. That probably sounded as bad as the time my mom asked me if I’d beaten World of Warcraft.”

“Why’s that stupid?”

Now it was my turn to snort. “You can’t beat — never mind.”

“So I guess you know the way to my house by now. You’ve been there twice.”

“Yeah. I hope you didn’t mind me showing up like that the other day.”

“No. I can’t believe you got my shoes. How did you do that?”

“Uh… you probably wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

“You didn’t climb the pole did you? That seems kinda dangerous.”

“No. Actually my mom drove underneath it and I climbed on top of the car with a really long pipe. Thank God it was dark outside. If anyone had seen me I would’ve died of embarrassment.”

“Your
mom?”

“Yeah,” I laughed. “I still can’t believe she agreed to help me. She’s pretty cool sometimes.”

“Why did you do it?” he said softly.

“It’s no big deal.”
 

“Tell me. Please.”

“Cause I knew I’d screwed up, and I wanted to make it up to you.”

“Why?”

“Just because.”

“Tell me why.”

“Do I have to say it?”

“Please.”

“Because… I like you.”

I glanced over to see him smiling from ear to ear.

We rode the rest of the way in silence. This time when I pulled up to his house, I cut the engine. We each sat, waiting for the other to break the silence. Was he going to invite me in? When I looked over at him, he arched an eyebrow, and I understood it to mean he wasn’t going to ask this time. I would have to be the one to do it.

I fidgeted in my seat and tapped my fingers on the steering wheel. “So, can I come in?”

Jamie smiled. “Yeah, come on.”

I peeled off my coat and tossed it on the car seat before following Jamie into his house. I stomped the snow off my shoes then pulled them off inside the door. Jamie did the same, and I couldn’t resist looking down at his socks. My heart skipped a beat when I saw they were purple with little penguins on them.
 

He led me into the kitchen where he proceeded to dig around in the cupboards.

“Do you like hot chocolate?” he said.

“Yeah.”

“Marshmallows?”

“Sure.” I laughed when I saw the bag he pulled out of the cupboard. “
Rainbow
marshmallows?”

He smiled. “They go better with the white hot chocolate. White on white is boring.”

“My sister would love you.”

“Your
sister
would love me?” he said as he filled the kettle with water. “That isn’t really who I was aiming for, but okay.”

He must have heard my sharp intake of breath.

“Relax,” he said as he pulled down two mugs. “You’re not very good at flirting, are you?”

“Flirting? Um…”

He laughed at me. “You’re cute when you’re flustered.”

“I’m not—” I shook my head. “No, I guess I’m not very good at this.”

“All right,” he said, looking amused. “I’ll help you.” He dug around in his pocket. “Here,” he said, holding out a tube of Chapstick. “Take this.”

I hesitated, not knowing what was about to happen, but guessing lips would be involved.

“Go on,” he said, urging me to take the Chapstick. “Put some on.”

I took the tube and popped off the cap. I stared at the end of the stick. Jamie’s lips had been there, I thought, as I smeared it across my own.

“Good,” he said. “Now rub your lips together and ask me if I want some.”

My heart pounded with the realization that he was going to kiss me.

“Ask me,” he whispered.

I rubbed my lips together as he’d instructed. My words came out barely above a whisper. “Do you want some?”
 

Jamie cocked his head. “No thanks,” he said. A moment later, he doubled over with laughter. “Oh, my God,” he said, grabbing his stomach. “You should’ve seen your face. It was so funny.”

“Oh, yeah? You wanna see something funny?” I reached forward and grabbed him, tickling whatever patch of skin I could find.

He squirmed and squealed and begged for mercy until I stopped, holding him firmly in bear hug. “I give up! I give up!” He panted against my chest as I held him tightly. “Ask me again,” he said.

“Huh?”

“Ask me again if I want some.”

I looked down at him and loosened my grip. “Okay. Do you want some?”

He smiled, and for a moment I thought he’d say no again. “Yes,” he whispered.

And so I leaned down and kissed him. He was every bit as soft as I’d imagined. My fingers wove their way through his silky hair as we kissed. The feel of his soft lips against mine sent tingles of excitement shooting down my body, and the feel of his toes curling against my foot sent those tingles right back up again. When the kettle let out a loud whistle, he laughed. I pulled him closer and kissed him again, afraid to let him go. When he laughed again, I finally released him.

“Thanks for the Chapstick,” he said with a smile before turning to make our hot chocolate. With rainbow marshmallows.

* * * * *

When I got to school the next morning, Jamie was waiting for me at my locker.

“Morning,” he said.

His smile was infectious. Just the sight of him gave me butterflies. I scanned the hall to see how big of an audience we had. The last thing I needed was to be caught in public making lovey-dovey eyes at Jamie.

He leaned in toward me and said quietly, “Do you wanna come over after school today? I can tell my friend I don’t need a ride.”

I took a step back, trying to keep a respectable distance between us. “Uh — uh—” I stammered.

Jamie laughed. “You’re flustered again. Just let me know by lunch, okay?”

I nodded and shoved my coat in my locker.

“Faggots,” some guy yelled as he walked past us.

My hands started shaking as I pulled my books out of my bag. I lost my grip. First one fell, then the others. Jamie and I both bent down to pick them up at the same time.

“I got it,” I hissed as I grabbed the books from the ground. I heard snickering around us.

“Hey,” Jamie said gently. “Don’t let them get to you. Come on,” he said. “Where’s your first period?”

“You don’t need to walk with me.”

“It’s okay,” he said smiling. “I want to.”

“No,” I said. “Don’t.”

He frowned. “I’m not gonna touch you or anything. I just want to walk with you.”

“I can’t, Jamie.” The the look of hurt on his face killed me. “Don’t be upset. Just — please try to understand.”

His eyes were shiny, like he was trying to hold back tears. “I get it,” he said in a hushed voice. His bottom lip quivered. “I do. If you’re not ready to come out, then don’t. But I won’t let you treat me like I’m not worthy of being your friend. I’m not gonna be your shameful secret.”

“Jamie… can we talk about this later? Somewhere private?”

“No,” he said as he wiped his eyes. “No.”

The warning bell rang and he turned and walked away.

* * * * *

I saw Jamie later that day, but he wouldn’t look at me. I tried calling him after school, but he wouldn’t talk to me. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I let my mom think I was sick because I couldn’t deal with telling her the truth. I thought about staying home from school Thursday, but I couldn’t bear missing out on the chance to see Jamie. That’s how fucked up I was.

I guess the joke was on me, because he wasn’t in school that day. When I got home, I went straight to my room and collapsed on my bed. I was exhausted but couldn’t sleep. Too much on my mind. Friday was the last day of school before winter break. Then I wouldn’t get to see Jamie at all for two weeks. Not even a glance as we passed each other in the hall. Tomorrow was also the last day of our gift exchange and I had nothing to give him.

Maybe I could write him a letter. He’d read it if he thought it was from his Secret Santa. When I opened my desk drawer to look for a pen, I found the red felt heart I’d cut out for my hoobajoob two weeks earlier. I rubbed the heart between my fingers and thought of everything that had happened during the past three weeks.

I got up and walked over to my dresser, knowing what I had to do.

Once my sister was in bed, I asked my mom if we could talk. It was hard. One of the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

“I need your help, Mom,” I said.

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

“I know I shouldn’t have waited so long.” I held up Jamie’s socks, the ones he’d left in my car the day his shoes were stolen. The ones I’d washed and then stowed away in my sock drawer where they could secretly mingle with mine. My voice was shaky as I continued. “Will you help me sew these into a sock monkey? I don’t want to screw it up.”

“Honey, why are you so upset?”

“Jamie and I had a fight.”

She put her arm around me. “You really care about him, don’t you?”

I nodded.

“As a friend? Or is it more than that?”

I fidgeted with the socks while I worked up enough courage to say what needed to be said. “More.”

Mom gave me a hug. “What happened?”

“I pushed him away. I finally found someone special, someone I can be myself with, and I pushed him away. All because I was afraid of what other people would say about me. But I was wrong. People say stuff about Jamie all the time, and he’s one of the best people I know. So if they say the same stuff about me, it doesn’t mean I’m a bad person, right?”

“Listen to me,” my mom said. “Caring about someone is never wrong, no matter what other people think. Jamie sounds like a very special boy. You know better than most how important it is to treasure the time you have with the people you care about while you can. Don’t you dare let bullies stand in your way.
 
You’re a good person. You deserve to be happy.”

“I know. I just wish I’d figured it out sooner.”

“Talk to Jamie. If he feels the same about you, I’m sure you’ll be able to work it out.”

“You don’t care that I’m… that he’s a boy? That I’m gay?”

She pulled me into another hug. “No. I care that you’re happy. This isn’t exactly a surprise, you know. I’ve seen the way you light up when you talk about him. I’ve had my suspicions ever since the Great Shoe Operation.”