#SOBLESSED: the Annoying Actor Friend's Guide to Werking in Show Business (3 page)

What is the Audition Process at CMU Like?

CMU is the school that brought us no less than two
leading actors on
Smash
, so they aren’t going to dick around at your
audition. They run that shit like a well oiled machine. They could want nothing
to do with you, but you’d never know it because the entire process is truly a
pleasant experience.

According to the website, students applying to the
acting program must prepare one contemporary monologue and one from before
1900. They should each be one minute long and it is clearly stated that you
must have read the entire play so you know what the fuck you’re talking about.
The music theatre major auditions have the same requirements as the acting, but
with the addition of two contrasting songs of thirty-two bars each. CMU doesn’t
suggest reading the libretto to whatever musical your songs are from and it’s a
good thing. A hundred girls are going to sing “Wanting” from
Rags
, but
does anybody really know what that show is about?

CMU recently eliminated their dance audition portion,
so all you petrified straight boys who just bought your “my-first-dance-belt”
at the local Capezio can relax and let your testicles ease back down from
within your abdomen. I believe CMU needed to ditch the dance auditions to make
time for all the mysterious rooms you need to pass through before making it to
the elusive Barbara Mackenzie-Wood.

CMU auditions sound like you have to jump through
more hoops than the
Pippin
revival. They are like the final act of
Harry
Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
. Your vocal audition is the devil’s snare,
your acting audition is the chess game, and if you make it through all of that
alive, you get to do it again for Professor Volde-Wood. (I’m by no means
equating Ms. Mackenzie-Wood to Voldemort. This is just an extremely elaborate
and forced analogy.)

The difference between Voldemort and the final stage
in the CMU audition process is that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was only trying to
torture and kill Harry. CMU makes you do
improv
. If they are interested
in your talent, you may be asked to perform additional improvisational
exercises like jumping around and screaming like a monkey. They may also suggest
you run around the room yelling at the top of your lungs. Embrace it! It’s art!
It’s acting! It’s raw! But, should you gain admittance to CMU, you may want to
make sure you’re clear headed in every acting class in the event they pull that
shit again. I imagine this is the type of school that would ask you to pretend
there were spiders crawling out of your vagina. If you’re considering that
late-night pot brownie, just say, “no.” Unless you like the idea of urinating
yourself out of sheer horror in class the next day.

What Are My Odds of Getting Into CMU?

Several answers come to mind and they involve the
words: fat, snowball, chance, hell. The class size is around twelve students for
each program out of a pool of probably over a thousand applicants.

Who Are the Notable Alumni from CMU?

Two of the strippers from
Magic Mike
, the
farmer from
Babe
, Ivy Lynn and Tom Levitt, Angela from
Who’s the
Boss?
, the guy who sang “Love is On the Way” in
The First Wives Club
movie,
the guy who played a gay guy in the first season of
American Horror Story
but not in the second one, Kathleen Marshall’s brother, the female Leading
Player in
Pippin
, and at least two actors from the original cast of
The
Book of Mormon
who are now making workshop royalties off of four companies.
#werk.

UNIVERISITY OF CINCINNATI: COLLEGE-CONSERVATORY OF
MUSIC

What is the Cincinnati College-Conservatory of Music’s
Nickname?

CCM: Prairie Hotties.

How Smart Do I Have to Be to Attend CCM?

Kelly Kapowski. A solid Lisa Turtle could get you an
academic scholarship.

How Many Weeks on Broadway Will My Education from CCM
Cost?

60 weeks in-state and 93 weeks out-of-state.  So,
“in-state” is like when your show closes after the original star’s contract
ends, and out-of-state would be like if the producers brought in Tony Danza to
keep it alive for another six months.

What Did You Learn About CCM?

The highlight of the musical theatre section of the
CCM website is a video of the 2013 graduating class singing a choral
arrangement of Craig Carnelia’s “Flight.” I don’t know a tenor alive who didn’t
think he had found the Holy Grail of Masturbatory Descants when he first stumbled
across this beast of a song. I always thought something was missing whenever I
watched my friends in vocal performance class shoot for the moon and land among
the sharps, and I think what it was, is sixteen people valiantly failing to do
it in harmony.

I didn’t spend a lot of time researching the drama
side of the CCM program. Part of me thinks I’m not the only one. The drama
section of their website prominently features a large photo from some play of a
naked student covering his bloody groin area in what appears to be an effort to
conceal the aftermath of a recently severed penis. Whatever homage this image
is playing to Theon Greyjoy, it’s a pretty honest representation of what the
college audition process feels like.

What is the Audition Process at CCM Like?

For those who are unaware, CCM issues a helpful and
brief manual to prospective students with tips on how to give the best audition
possible. These “do’s and don’ts” are currently published on the CCM website.
However, it appears that some of the more controversial suggestions have been
omitted since the days in which I carried their manual around like a bible. And
like
The Bible
, the CCM “Do’s and Don’ts” evoked feelings of guilt,
inferiority, and self-loathing.

There was one particular passage that I remember
vividly. CCM does not currently endorse it, because it is no longer present in
their pamphlets nor printed on their website. Luckily, neither the Internet nor
myself forget, and I was able to locate the passage on the website for Viterbo
University (
“Borrowed liberally from the
Cincinnati Conservatory Audition Guidelines”) b
y Googling the following terms that have been eternally burned into my
memory: pass, on, the, double, whoppers, with, cheese…

“DO pay attention to your
personal appearance … It may be hard, but take a long, objective look at
yourself in a mirror and assess what you see. Decide on your best physical
presentation. If you need to lose weight or gain muscle, begin as soon as
possible — but please do it safely. Visit the dentist, invest in a new
hairstyle, pamper your complexion, learn the fundamentals of make-up, get in
shape, start working out or jogging. Exercise your mind. Take a dance class or
a yoga class or just get some sleep! Eat well and pass on the double whoppers
with cheese. Present yourself as a prospective student who will be fun to teach
and highly employable after graduation.”

(Viterbo.edu. Web. Retrieved 9.16.13)

Can you picture the kind of emotional turmoil that
caused this seemingly well-adjusted teenager? I’m serious! I ate a double
whopper with cheese every day for lunch in high school, so you can imagine how
devastated I was to read that it was a “no-no.” Apparently, nothing tastes as
good as Broadway feels.

What Are My Odds of Getting Into CCM?

There was a time when CCM had the reputation for cultivating
alumni that appeared mass-produced or lacking any distinguishing
characteristics from being manipulated by a device with sharp edges used for
cutting cookie dough into a particular shape. That’s not really the case
anymore. After viewing a few freshman showcase videos, it looks like CCM has
the monopoly on hot farmers. Like, if you were a smokin’ Laurey or Curly in
high school, then hightail it to the CCM auditions STAT – after taking a long,
objective look at yourself in the mirror, of course! #BurgerKing.

Who Are the Notable Alumni from CCM?

A Broadway butt-load of graduates that include: the
not-Julie-Andrews Mary Poppins, the girl who got to sing “Summertime” in the
Porgy
& Bess
revival when we all thought it was going to be Audra, a bunch of
people who’ve done
Mamma Mia
, another guy making more money than I’ll
ever see in life off of
The
Book of Mormon
workshop royalties,
everyone else, and possibly your mom.

You might be thinking, “But what about the original
IQ from
Hairspray
, or the two oldest Newsies, or the non-dancing Anita?
Didn’t they got to CCM?” Yes, they did – but much like Millie, a few
Glindas, and probably all Melchiors, some people don’t graduate.

THE BOSTON CONSERVATORY: MUSIC, DANCE, THEATRE

&

NEW YORK UNIVERSITY: TISCH SCHOOL OF THE ARTS

After much research, thought, and prayer, I have
decided to discuss Boston Conservatory and NYU at the same time, less I fall
victim of telling many of the same jokes twice.

What Are Their Nicknames?

BoCo and Tisch: We Are Still Relevant. Promise.

How Smart Do I Have to Be to Attend BoCo or Tisch?

NYU is looking for a classic Zack and BoCo would like
at least a Kelly Kapowski, but will settle for a Slater. BoCo don’t give a
shit.

How Many Weeks on Broadway Will My Education from
BoCo or Tisch Cost?

134 weeks at BoCo and 136 weeks at NYU. If you want
to go to either of these schools you’re going to have to be content with
sitting down at the Majestic, Ambassador, or August Wilson for the rest of your
life.

What Did You Learn About BoCo and Tisch?

The Theatre Division page on the BoCo website
features a video about the program that starts with the opening number from
their production of
42
^nd
Street
with large text emblazoned
across the screen that reads: THEATRE. I challenge you to sit through something
that trite and cheesy longer than you were able to watch Two Girls One Cup.

The rest of the BoCo page is broken down into “Your
Training,” “Your Teachers,” “Your Performance Opportunities,” and “Your Future.”
The “Your Future” section chooses to place
Baby, It’s
You
practically near the top, and then later lists the words “Constantine Maroulis”
and “Tony nomination” next to each other. So, basically I learned that if you
go to BoCo, anything is possible.

The NYU website was so difficult to understand that I
swear one’s ability to navigate it successfully is the first step in the
admission process. If you’re able to get all the information you need, actually
apply to the right program, and not end up taking the LSATs by mistake, you are
more qualified to attend NYU than me.

The Tisch School of the Arts at NYU has eight different
studios. There are six for acting, one for production and design, and one for
musical theatre. The New Studio on Broadway used to be CAP21 and CAP21 is the new
AMDA. I’m not sure what that makes AMDA, but I don’t think AMDA was anything to
begin with (#burn!).

What are the Audition Processes at BoCo and Tisch
Like?

For BoCo, you get four minutes to do two contrasting
monologues. The website states that one monologue be “post-war” but they don’t specify
which war (It could be WWII, but what if they mean Vietnam and you want to do
something from
The Crucible
?), and one from “classical literature” (Specifically
Shakespeare’s histories and comedies. They didn’t mention the tragedies. I’m
not sure if they’ll take problem plays or not, so just do a Bottom or Helena
speech from
A Midsummer Night’s Dream
to be safe and original.).

BoCo also runs a “rigorous dance audition” and gives
you four minutes to sing a ballad and an “upbeat.” I’ve never heard an up-tempo
referred to as an “upbeat,” but I’m using that term from now on because it
sounds cooler.

NYU is fancy so they call their audition an “artistic
review.” They require two contemporary monologues be performed in less than two
minutes. The music theatre “artistic review” tacks on two thirty-two bar
contrasting songs with (and I am not kidding here) a suggested movement
evaluation during one of the songs. There is not a group dance audition in this
artistic review. NYU wants you to literally choreograph something yourself:

“We want to see you move!
 When preparing for your singing evaluation, please add movement to one of
the two song selections. It can be specific choreography or free movement -- be
inspired! … The added movement/dance may include elements of (but not limited
to) ballet, jazz, modern, African dance, hip-hop, folk dance, tap dance (no tap
shoes, please), acrobatics and martial arts. Include anything that demonstrates
full body expressiveness and love of movement. Be creative and incorporate any
movements that you love to do and look great doing! …
Approach the
movement with an open spirit and a sense of play. Bring all of yourself to the
dance. Celebrate you!”

(NYU.edu. Web. Retrieved 7.14.13.)