#SOBLESSED: the Annoying Actor Friend's Guide to Werking in Show Business (12 page)

 I promise, you will not lose that place in
line. Your number will be taken down, and if they say they will call you in
twenty-three minutes, they will indeed phone back in twenty-three minutes. It’s
amazing! They actually do that. Deciding who gets the Holy Grail of Unemployment
Phone Options is some Illuminati bullshit I’ll never quite understand – like
the Twitter verification process.

***

Once you’ve finally made it through to a person who
can help you with your claim, you can ask them what witchcraft is being done to
your Unemployment benefits. They’ll probably say something like, “That random
state you worked in hasn’t reported your wages yet.”

And you’ll naively ask, “Can I call them?”

“No,” responds NYSDOL Dip Shit #1.

“Can
you
call them?”

“No.”

“Then what can
I
do?”

“Wait until they report it.”

Since it’s been three-plus weeks of waiting, this
little hiccup is pretty much just a blade of grass in the football field of
worst-case scenarios. You decide that a few extra weeks (and a couple thousand
more phone calls) aren’t going to do much harm before that rogue state finally
reports your wages, and you’re presented with a retroactively paid dinosaur-dump-sized-lump-sum,
that I strongly suggest you get the taxes taken out of – unless you have
some sadomasochistic attraction to the words, “you owe state and federal.”

You can take a deep breath now. The hard part is
over. It’s time to sit back, relax, and enjoy twenty-six weeks of…

LIVING A LIFE OF LEISURE

The quality of your Funemployment is not only going
to be measured by what kind of jobless lifestyle you like to live, but by what
season you’re stuck living it in. If you’re unemployed between the months of May
and September, then not only have you found a way to dodge summer stock, you’re
going to be a touch more mentally stable than if you find yourself with nothing
to do during the winter – which usually takes place in New York between
Labor Day and Memorial Day.

Summer in New York is glorious. It doesn’t even matter
that for three weeks, the entire city morphs into a nine-mile inferno that generates
a smell not unlike what would happen if you entrapped a touring bus full of
fart enthusiasts inside a Las Vegas food court. Who gives a shit? It’s summer!
The days are long and – TANK TOPS! Your friends may have money to go on
vacation, but it won’t matter because you’ll
look
like you just spent a
week in Aruba. Plus, there are hardly any auditions, so you don’t have to feel
guilty about being a complete loser for spending most of the week in Sheep
Meadow doing a handstand – or discovering yet another bottomless brunch
establishment, where you can drown your jobless sorrows in Bloody Marias with
the only three friends you know who aren’t at Sacramento Music Circus, the
MUNY, or an undisclosed theatre in New England where their weekly paycheck
after taxes and agent fees is equal to your Unemployment benefits. Meanwhile, your
locally employed friends will be burdened with crap like Tonys rehearsals, Broadway
in Bryant Park, and paying for drinks at bars after the happy hour ends.
Besides, they won’t be spending much time with you anyway, because they’ll be
too envious of the exclusive relationship you’re having with your DVR – as
well as your perpetual, stomach-turning fear of the future!

 Winter in New York City is the antithesis of
anything in your life that has ever made you happy. Don’t be fooled by the joy
surrounding the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, the lighting of the Rockefeller
Christmas Tree, or the hopeful thoughts that naturally develop within your
heart when the ball drops in Times Square. Those are fleeting seasonal
distractions that only mask the inevitable ice-hell you’re about to plummet
into and be held prisoner within for the next four months. You’re going to be
cold. You’re going to be broke. You’re going to attend ECCs. You’re going to
get face-raped by your friends who went out west for pilot season and enjoy
repetitively reminding you that there aren’t seasons in California. You’ll find
yourself drinking at four o’clock in the afternoon because it’s dark out and
just seems natural. You’ll eventually start looking for excuses to justify why
you don’t have to go to an audition, because just the thought of venturing
outside into the frozen tundra with a dance bag, to risk slipping on subway
steps laden with two-day old snow sludge that vaguely resemble piles of Dairy
Queen’s Oreo Blizzard, isn’t nearly as unpleasant as encountering a working
friend in Hell’s Kitchen. You’ll discover that there are only so many times you
can watch
Home Alone
before you realize that if you were to die right in
the middle of the film, it would not go unnoticed because your Facebook friends
would detect an absence in your incessant social media activity well before,
“Kevin! What did you do to my room?!”

If it all possible, try not to find yourself on Funemployment
in the dead of winter – unless you know how to combat seasonal affective
disorder, or if you’re cool with your liver eventually resembling the pelt of a
snow leopard.

After all is said and done, do not let the time frame
of when your Funemployment occurs derail you from maximizing your life of
leisure. If things go horribly wrong, and you don’t book a job immediately, you’re
looking at over six months of sort-of paid vacation. When people ask what
you’re up to, tell them, “Taking some much needed time off! Things were just so
crazy for a while!” Don’t let on that you’re secretly dying inside. Anxiety is
so dated! If you approach living a life of leisure on Funemployment as if the
circumstances are something you actively sought out, you’ll be one step closer
in mastering how to use self-deception as a method to success.

SURVIVAL JOBS

This may come as a complete shock, but I have on an
occasion found myself without Unemployment insurance, and thus had to perform
various odd jobs around The City and Tri-state area to pay my rent, feed myself,
and find an acting job that I’m proud to discuss publicly. I’ve heard rumors
that some actors actually collect Unemployment while working “under the table”
jobs – BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT I’VE NEVER DONE THAT.

When you #werk as hard as I do, you tend to play a
little harder, and that requires you to WORK even harderer. Here’s a list of just
a few of the employment opportunities that I’ve been #grateful to perform while
#livingthedream:

Professional Retail Sales Associate

I unpacked, stocked, and sold clothes and other
accoutrements for a sample sales company. One time I folded sweaters next to a
future Tony nominee who was standing next to a former Tony nominee that was
selling a scarf to a Tony winner. Strap on a bib, kids, because The Universe
can serve up a mean shit-sandwich, and it’s only a matter of time before we all
get to take a bite.

Private Event Entertainer

Mikhail Baryshnikov takes dance class whenever he
can. If you are not being paid to dance eight times a week, I suggest you do
the same. Not only must you be in prime condition when auditions pop up, you
also want to make sure you’re agile enough to #werk the dance floor at an
occasional bar mitzvah or other multi-million dollar event. Do you like Gatsby
themed parties? Well, you’re in luck, because you just might be invited to one
at the lavish Waldorf Astoria, where the guest of honor isn’t Nick Carraway,
it’s a pre-pubescent Jewish boy who is celebrating the completion of his coming
of age rituals while you do the Charleston on a temporary stage surrounded by
six hundred thousand dollars worth of orchids and a group of teenage girls who
won’t stop making fun of your costume. Just when you begin to wish that someone
would put you out of your misery (bringing the job to a self-referential end,
befitting of the party’s theme), you remember that the check will clear and you
need never speak of it again.

You’d be surprised how much money people have to burn
on live, human decorations, in an effort to create a desired party atmosphere. I’ve
seen them all. I’ve done them all. No matter how different each event might be,
the common staple is always the drunken middle-aged rich lady who wants to
dance with you whether you’re gay, straight, male, or female. Pretty much all
of the women at these parties are Kathie Lee Gifford at different stages in her
life.

Some of my more memorable jobs include the time I sock-hopped
for a 1950’s themed charity auction at some single millionaire’s mansion in
Long Island where the house was so big he didn’t know what to do with half the
rooms so he just kept them empty with the doors closed. I’ve greeted guests as
they entered a party in New Jersey, and then posed for pictures with them
wearing one of those out-of-a-plastic-bag disco Halloween costumes that you
find at Ricky’s. I could go on, but the rest of the list pretty much includes
more events involving multicolored full body onesies than I care to admit.
#fame. #broadway. #whatididforlove.

Alcohol Enthusiast

I worked as a bartender where my interest in alcohol
was showcased nightly, and like any good stereotype, I also waited tables,
where my enthusiasm toward alcohol was mainly observed by “spilling a guest’s
drink” on the way to their table – yet somehow finding a way for it to
end up getting consumed in the stairwell after it was voided off the check.

The juxtaposition between waiter and bartender is not
unlike that of an actor and a casting director. When you’re behind the bar or
the table, you have the power. Someone wants a drink. Someone wants a job. They
have to go through you to get it, and that provides you with respect. When
you’re on the other side, taking a table’s order or auditioning for a role, it’s
like the fucking trenches. If you can find a way to manipulate the power back
to your side, then maybe you’ll walk out with a callback – or survive the
night with an 18% tip average (15% if you got hit with a lot of Europeans).

Online Personal Ad-venturer

When things are
really
slow, I’ve been known
to peruse the Craigslist ads for odd jobs around town. If you reach this point
in your life, I suggest reevaluating exactly where you’ve placed the bar for
yourself. It’ll be better for your mental health if you lower it just a bit.
Who knows? What once seemed like rock bottom, might be a blessing in a severely
perverted disguise. I’m not saying to do porn. But, like – there are
people out there who will pay you to do shit like hide Easter eggs in their
apartment. If that means free candy and the opportunity to be in The City for
auditions, then why not? You just need to balance how you value your time and
dignity. For example, would you rather spend forty-five minutes taking part in
a fetish video dedicated to fully clothed girls being carried around, or make
the same amount schlepping about the country doing one-nighters on a tier
double DD touring contract? Which of those two career choices eats less away at
your soul? Sometimes it’s better to venture into Prospect Park on a Tuesday
afternoon to participate in a sensible cradle lift for three hundred dollars
cash, if it allows you to be in town the next time
Mamma Mia
holds replacements
auditions.

Theatrical Advertising Agent

Yeah, I did it. I wore a sandwich board in Times
Square. And you know what? Of all the jobs previously mentioned, this one provided
me with health benefits – and they were easier to attain than through
Actors’ Equity. To be #blessed with Cigna (second only to SAG-AFTRA’s health
insurance as far as badass co-pays are concerned), one must work twelve weeks within
twelve months under an Equity contract to acquire six months of coverage, and
twenty weeks to earn a year. You are then evaluated quarterly, so if you work
twelve weeks, but they are split between two quarters, you will have to wait
until the end of the following quarter to begin your six months of coverage.
That gives you ample time to experience a credit card and career crippling
accident. If you must get hurt or sick, make sure it’s on the stage, where
workers’ comp can cover it. At least when I was dodging cabs, Cookie Monsters,
and Chicago Flyer Girls in Times Square, I knew that a violent altercation with
any one of them wouldn’t result in years of debilitating hospital bills.

Furthermore, this job actually required me to pull
out crap I learned in my BFA program to sell tickets to the shows I represented.
My vast knowledge about Sondheim, Rodgers, Hart, Kern, the Princess Musicals,
and shit like
Your Arms Too Short to Box with God
, made it easy to
explain to tourists from Ohio why the musical emblazoned on my constricting
double-boarded prison was a good fit for them. It was instrumental to my
success that I knew what I was doing. I’m not really certain the same applied
to landing a job in the show I was advertising. Still, it was nice knowing that
over one hundred thousand dollars was spent on my education, and none of it
ever went to better use than right smack on Broadway – between a McDonald’s
and the guy who asks, “Do you like comedy?”

SIMPLY SURVIVING

In this business, surviving is just as important as thriving.
“Success” is so often defined by how much money you make. I say, “fuck that,” and
find your own version of “success.” Broadway might be your benchmark, but
sometimes success is making it through the day without breaking down into the Oprah
Ugly Cry to an Adele album. Success can simply be your personal contentment
with where you are in life at that given moment. If you take pride in how you
make it to the next day, then you are achieving success.