So Much It Hurts (5 page)

If only I could talk to Mom about what's happened, but I can't. She'd be upset. She'd get a headache or a stomachache; she might even cry. I can't put her through that. Not when she has sacrificed so much for me.

Even after I shut down the computer, I can still hear my father's words in my head, like a song you can't forget. Maybe I should write back to him. Maybe not. Maybe not yet. Maybe not ever.

It's late when I go to the kitchen to get a glass of water. My mom is still reading on the couch. “D'you want some water, Mom?”

“That would be nice, Iris.”

She lays the magazine on her lap when I come into the living room. “How's the essay coming?”

“It's not going too well.”

“You always say that when you're getting started on an essay.”

“I do?”

Mom nods.

“Mom?”

“Yes, Iris.”

I know I shouldn't mention my father, but I can't stop myself. “How come my father never tried to get in touch with me after he left the country?”

Mom sighs and looks down at the magazine on her lap. “Why are you asking me that now?”

She isn't going to answer my question, so I don't answer hers.

I go back upstairs with my glass of water. I'm shutting the door to my bedroom when I hear her calling out for me.

“Iris,” she says, “sorry to be a nuisance. But could you get me an Advil from the bathroom cabinet?”

CHAPTER 7

“This is the very ecstasy of love…”
—HAMLET
, ACT 2, SCENE 1

F
or the record: my life has officially begun.

I just had sex with Mick Horton, who is thirty-one and the hottest, sweetest guy ever. What's even more amazing is that Mick Horton had sex with
me
, Iris Wagner. Only I'm not the same Iris Wagner I was four hours ago. I'm new and totally one hundred percent improved. How couldn't I be? Of all the girls in Montreal, Mick Horton picked
me
. Mick Horton wants me. Really wants me.

We're stretched out on his bed now. Mick has dozed off, his back facing me. He has a great back, tanned and sinewy, with ripples of muscle in the right places. I'm lying on my side, admiring him and replaying every second of our night together.

We had dinner at this trendy sushi place on Saint Laurent Boulevard—the kind of place with dim lighting and beautiful waitresses in tight black dresses. Not that he was looking at them. I swear he never took his eyes off me. Mick makes me feel
seen
.

He ordered for both of us. We shared a platter with sashimi and California-style kamikaze rolls. Mick knows all about sushi. I swear he knows all about everything. We drank sake, which is hot wine that comes in a ceramic carafe.

I didn't get drunk or anything, just a bit buzzed. Besides, Mick didn't let me drink too much. He put his hand over my sake cup when the waiter wanted to refill it. I love how Mick wants to protect me.

He showed me how to use chopsticks. I'd tried using them before, but I'd always given up because it took too long. I loved the feeling of Mick's fingers pressing down on mine, showing me what to do.

We talked nonstop—about
Hamlet
, my career, even about my father. Mick thinks I need to answer the Facebook message. “Whatever happened between him and your mother is their business. You have your own relationship with him.”

“But that's just it,” I told Mick. “I've never had a relationship with him. Not one I can remember.”

“Write back to him.”

As soon as Mick said it, I knew it was the right thing to do.

“But what about my mom? Do you think I should tell her?”

Mick ran his finger back and forth over his soul patch. “From what you've told me, I'd say your mother doesn't want to know.”

Afterward, Mick wanted me to see his loft. “We can work on your lines, Joey.”

I laughed when he called me
Joey
.

“Are you calling me a baby kangaroo?”

Mick explained how Australians are big on nicknames.

I knew from the feeling I got when Mick put his hand on the small of my back and left it there that we weren't just going to his loft to work on my lines. I could've told him no. Part of me knew I shouldn't be going to see the loft of a guy I'd only just met, whose age I still didn't know and whom I couldn't tell anyone about. Not Katie, not my mom. But the sense that I was doing something wrong… well, it was another feeling I'm not used to, as if I were playing with fire—and it only made me want to do it more.

Mick has the coolest loft. It's in a high-rise on Cavendish Boulevard, where the street comes to an end. Mick says most of the other tenants in the building are seniors. Mick's renting a corner unit on the ninth floor. It's basically one room with high ceilings and giant floor-to-ceiling windows. When we looked out, we could see past Saint Joseph's Oratory to the lights on the top of Mount Royal. The furniture's cool too, though Mick didn't pick it. Everything's chrome and glass—and there's a great black leather couch with zebra cushions.

In the end, I was glad I'd already had sex with Tommy. I didn't want Mick thinking I was just some kid.

We did work on my lines, like Mick said we would. He wanted to focus on Act
II
, Scene
I
. He said he'd read Polonius's part. “I'd never cast you as Polonius,” I told him.

“I'll take that as a compliment.”

“Polonius is a bore. You're…you're totally interesting.”

“I've been accused of lots of things,” Mick said. “Boring isn't one of them.”

I closed my eyes as I prepared to become Ophelia.

“ ‘My lord,' ” I whispered, “ ‘as I was sewing in my closet…' ”

That's when he kissed me. I knew it was coming, but that kiss still took me a little by surprise. For the tiniest second, I thought of backing away, of saying I shouldn't have come upstairs, but it was already too late for that. Besides, Mick's kiss was like no kiss I ever had before or ever even imagined. He slipped his hand behind my head (I could tell right away he knew exactly what he was doing) and brought my lips to his. The kiss started soft and gentle, but then it turned more…well, more urgent. Hungrier. A little rough, but not in a hurting way. More an exciting way. “Go on,” Mick whispered. His voice was hoarse.

I knew what he wanted—for me to go on with my lines. “ ‘As I was sewing in my closet, Lord Hamlet, with his doublet all unbraced
…
' ”

That's when Mick unbuckled his jeans. His eyes were shining, playful. I felt like we were being childlike and grown up at the same time. "You mean
un
braced like this?" he asked, unzipping himself.

“Uh-huh.” I was too excited to keep saying my lines.

“Or did you mean
em
braced—like this?”

He kissed me again. I could feel the stubble over his lips chafing my chin, my cheeks. Then he took off my clothes—and looked at me like I was the eighth wonder of the world. I'd have thought being naked like that would make me feel shy or embarrassed, but it didn't.

It was totally different than with Tommy. Tommy had been nervous and jumpy, like a puppy. Mick was more like a lynx, agile and in charge. He slid his hands all over me. Then he carried me from the leather couch to his bed. I couldn't have told him no even if I'd tried to.

Mick said he loves everything about me. My face, my body, my hair (now that I wear it off my face), even the way I sometimes cackle when I laugh.

“Joey, touch some part of me that begins with an…
h
.”

I touched his head.

“Your turn,” he said.

“I like this game. Touch some part of me that begins with an…
e
.”

Mick touched my eyelid. No one's ever touched my eyelid before.

We went through practically the whole alphabet. We got stuck on
x
and
z
and
q
.

Maybe I should've waited to have sex with Mick till I knew him better. Katie says there's a five-date rule, that you need to go out with a guy five times before you do it. And two dates on the same day don't count. But Katie's never been with Mick.

The thing is, I feel like I've known Mick forever. More dates wouldn't have made a difference.

The other thing is, I can't resist him.

CHAPTER 8

“…there is nothing either good or bad,
but thinking makes it so.”
—HAMLET
, ACT 2, SCENE 2

I
t's Sunday, and I just got home from Scoops. I need to shower to get rid of the ice-cream smell inside my nose. My back and feet feel sore, but part of me is still floating from having spent the first part of the weekend with Mick.
Mick!
It's not the first time I catch myself saying his name out loud—the way Ophelia does when she thinks of Hamlet.

In the shower, I watch the water stream down my body—over all the places Mick touched.

Afterward, I go to my room and shut the door behind me. I take a deep breath before I start typing.

My name is Iris Wagner and I was born on May
11, 1995.

I nearly send just that as my reply to my father, but then I decide I have some questions of my own. So I add another sentence. My fingers tremble as I type.

Where are you and why are you getting in touch with
me now?

I can feel my heart pumping underneath my T-shirt.

Nate Berg's reply pops up almost immediately. What's he been doing—waiting by the computer since he first wrote to me?

I am in Bangkok. I've tried to get in touch before, but
your mother blocked my attempts. A friend here suggested
I look for you on Facebook.

Mom blocked his attempts? That can't be true. Why would Mom do something like that?

Well, now you've found me.

My heart is still pumping hard. I want to shut down Facebook. But there is already another message from Nate Berg. I can't call him my dad. I know the mailman better than I know him.

I want to see you, Iris.

See me?

I get up from my desk. I stretch my arms over my head. From my bedroom window, I can see a man and his son walking a small dog. The boy runs ahead and his father calls him back. I peer out at the street. When I turn around, the computer screen is glowing in the dark room.

I try to imagine my father, sitting in a small room somewhere in Bangkok, waiting for my answer.

I heard you weren't allowed into the country.

There, I think. I'm glad I said it. Let him know I'm on to him. That I know he did something illegal.

You're right. I can't come to Canada. But I have business
in the US next month. We could meet in Plattsburgh,
New York. It's only an hour's drive from Montreal. What do
you say, Iris?

What do I say?

I have no friggin' idea what I say.

I need Mick to help me figure things out. I can't talk to him at school—not with everyone around—so I phone him on Monday night. Just hearing his voice makes me feel calmer. “I can only tell you one thing, Joey,” Mick says. “I wish I'd been able to set things right with my own dad. This is your chance. If you do decide to meet him in Plattsburgh, I could drive you there. We could make a day of it.”

“You'd do that for me?”

“What wouldn't I do for you?”

The following Saturday, I'm awake before Mick. For a while, I just lie there, admiring him and feeling grateful that this is my life. Mick looks so peaceful when he's sleeping, the dark hairs on his chest rising and falling with every breath. I snuggle closer. Mick smells so good, so warm.

When I'm too awake to stay in bed, I get up and turn on my laptop. My father and I have messaged each other a few more times since I talked things through with Mick. I said I'd meet him in Plattsburgh—and I asked him to send me his photo. So I'd recognize him.

This morning, the photo is there.

Everyone always says how much I look like my mom. I have her wavy auburn hair and green eyes, and we're both slim and on the short side. But now, when I look at the photo of my dad, I see myself too. I recognize the high cheekbones, the way his eyes seem wider apart than most people's. I wonder if when my mom looks at me, she sees him too, and I wonder how that makes her feel.

Mick startles me when he kisses my shoulder. I didn't realize he was standing behind me. “Is that him?” he asks. “Daddy-o?”

“Uh-huh. It's him. What do you think?”

“It's hard to tell much from a photo. Not a bad-looking guy. Did you tell him I'd be coming with you to Plattsburgh?”

“I told him. And I explained you were just a friend.” I watch Mick's face when I tell him that. I know he'll be pleased.