So Many Reasons Why (10 page)

“You’re very distracting, you know.” He raised his eyebrows
and jumped up. Suddenly, he was dancing around the room, toward me.

Well I guess it would be nice, if I could touch your
body,

But I know not everybody has a body like you.

He grabbed hold of my hands and pulled me to my feet. I
shook my head. I was embarrassed for the poor guy. He was a shocking singer,
and an even worse dancer. But at that moment he was so damn sexy. My tongue
brushed over my lips. Forgetting to breathe tended to make my lips dry. I
giggled as he circled me around the room. He would be a nightmare to take to a
concert. He would be the guy who thinks he can sing better and louder than
anyone else, including the artist.

“You are such a dag.” I groaned. He had stopped singing, and
had pulled me in close. I hated being this close to him. He had no idea what
being this close to him did to me. His breath exhaled on my cheek, so warm. He
cupped my chin gently. His touch made me tingle as he ran his finger slowly
down my cheek, tracing over my lips. I kissed his finger.

“You have no idea how stunning you are.” He whispered. He
was about to kiss me. I could feel it as the distance between us began to
close. Then, out of nowhere, he pulled away.

“I’m sorry Em.” He turned, cursing himself. I'd never seen
him so angry. So frustrated.

“Fuck!” he yelled, kicking the side of the bench. I jumped.
His anger, even though I knew it wasn't directed at me, rippled through me. I
didn’t handle anger well. The usual signs were all there, suggesting I would
break down at any minute. The feeling of tears in the back of my throat, the
ball of anxiety in my stomach, stretching, growing. My breathing increased
rapidly.

“Please stop.” I whispered. I wiped away the tears that were
threatening to ruin my make-up.

Simon looked bewildered.

“Emma, what's wrong? I wasn't angry at you. I'm just
frustrated with myself.” his voice cracked. His eyes, full of concern, were
clouded with just as much confusion.

He had no idea why I was upset. He couldn't know, which made
me feel that much worse.

“Please go. Just go. I'm sorry.” I sobbed. I covered my face
with my hands in an attempt to hide the tears. I fled to the couch. Simon followed,
not knowing what to do.

“Emma. Did I do something? Please tell me.” He begged,
falling to his knees in front of me. He reached out for my hand. I jumped at
his touch, but didn't pull away.

“Please Simon. There are things you need to know, but I can’t.
Not now. Please go.” I begged. I squeezed his hand then pushed him away. He
rose, debating with himself on what to do. He stood there for what felt like
hours. Finally, he sighed.

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled. He gathered up his things and left.
I collapsed on the sofa in tears. I reached for my phone and texted Cass.

It took Cass less than ten minutes to be at my house. She
found me in the bedroom, crying. Crying really wasn't the right word. I was
bawling my eyes out. And the worst thing was once I started I just couldn't
stop. I'd ruined everything. Not that it mattered now. We clearly couldn't be
only friends, and we couldn't be together.

Where did that leave us?

“Hey Em girl. What's with the tears?” She laid down on the
bed and pulled hugged me, hushing me as she gently stroked my hair.

“I’m a mess. I'm a stupid, fucking ridiculous mess.” I
sobbed. “I am a worthless piece of shit. I will never have anybody because I
can't let anyone near me. Stupid. Stupid.”

Cass unclenched my fists and wrapped her hands in mine. She
rolled her eyes, as if she couldn’t believe how blind I was.

“Emma, you are anything but worthless. You are the most
amazing person I've ever met. You've been through so much, yet you're so
strong. And look at what you're accomplished.”

“I freaked out when he got angry.”

“Did he hurt you?” Cass asked sharply, her voice laced with
concern. I shook my head. Simon wasn't capable of hurting me. I trusted him
completely, which made this whole mess so much worse.

“I wanted it. I wanted him.” I sighed. “I think I'm falling
in love with him.” I began to cry again. How could I be in love with someone?
That just wasn't possible. Some bastard made sure that would never be possible
10 years ago.

I was sure Simon felt the same. He was falling in love with
me too. I could see that in the way he looked at me, and in the way he wouldn’t
look at me. I had never felt so loved, yet I had never felt so alone.

Poor Cass looked very confused.

“He can't be with me. Too many reasons stopping him. Us. His
career, age difference. My childhood. All things you pointed out to me.” I sat
up on the edge of the bed, the tears were drying up for the first time in
hours. This wasn’t me. I’d worked too hard to backtrack now. Simon was capable
of making my emotions feel about as stable as a Paris Hilton relationship.

So many questions ran through my mind. How would he see me
once he knew the truth? Just as another victim. Just like the cases he worked
with every day. Could he still love me, knowing that? And what good would
telling him do? It wouldn't change the fact that he was my teacher. All it
would do was give him a reason to pity me.

“Well maybe I was wrong. You guys both obviously like each
other.” She reached out and pulled the hair from my eyes, tucking it behind my
ear. “Shh Em, you'll be okay. I will be back. I will make you a tea.” She
slipped out of the bedroom. I listened to her fiddling around in the kitchen. I
was so tired. I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up happy, with the last ten
years all having been a big nightmare.

I wanted old Emma back. Innocent Emma who loved life.
Instead all I was this mess. It seemed the self-pity and why me attitude was
planning on sticking around. One thing was for sure. If I was going to move
past everything that had happened to me, I sure as hell needed to toughen up.

“Get up.” I open my eyes. The daylight seeping through
the edge of the sheet on the window hurts my eyes. “Get the fuck up.” He
repeated. I don't move. I am so scared, I feel the tears pricking my eyes. I want
to go home. He kicks me. Hard. I gasp, and struggle to my feet. I am woozy,
barely able to balance myself. He grabs my arm roughly and yanks me toward a
mattress in the corner of the room. I sob.

No, please not this.

I woke up feeling disorientated. I looked around, the
familiarity of my surroundings beginning to hit. The comfort of being in my own
surrounds was immense. I glanced down. I was still dressed in the same jeans
and shirt as before. Even in the darkness, I could feel Cass's warm arms around
me. It comforted me to know she was here for me. I struggled to sit up.

“Em? You okay?” She yawed, her words slurred. She sat up,
taking a moment to focus.

“I’ve felt better.” I admitted. I grabbed my phone off the
night stand. Holy shit. Fourteen missed calls from Simon, and four text
messages. All of them read the same. He was worried about me, and he wanted me
to call him. Day or night.

I looked at the clock. 10pm. I owed him an explanation.

Sorry about before. Are you able to come over now? I
think we need to talk. E xx

Simon sat on the couch opposite me. His eyes showed various
emotions. Worry. Confusion. Concern. He waited patiently for me to speak. We
had been sitting for nearly ten minutes while I summoned up the courage to
speak. Ten minutes of silence. Me, staring out the window (yes the window!),
and him, fiddling with his hands, glancing up at me occasionally. I took a
breath, keeping my eyes focused on the potted plant on the balcony.

“I was attacked.” I began. “When I was ten, I was walking
home from my best friends place. It was 7pm. I'd called my mom to pick me up,
but she told me to walk. It was only a few houses.” I took a breath. I watched
the traffic move slowly past on the road.

“I was halfway home when I was grabbed from behind. He
pulled me into a van. I blacked out. Chloroform I think the police said. I work
up in a room- or something. I was chained to a bed. He kept me there for three
days. For some of it I was unconscious. For most of it I wasn't. I tried to
imagine I was somewhere nice. Like the beach. Under an umbrella. Reading a
book.” I smiled to myself. I'd always loved the beach. The way the waves
crashed onto one another, then fizzled out into the sand.

I was aware Simon was now behind me. He didn't say anything
but I could feel his breath on my neck. I turned to face him. The pain he was
feeling showed in his eyes, as did the anger, and the concern. Reaching out, he
wiped the tears from my cheek.

“After three days I guess he'd had enough of me. He dumped
me in a park. I was found a few hours later, barely alive.” Simon drew in a
breath. His hands ran through his hair and rested behind his head. His
expression was shocked. Whatever he had imagined, it was obvious it in no way
compared to this. “I was repeatedly raped, in ways even you can't imagine. I
was beaten, and I was stabbed.” I turned slowly and lifted up my top to reveal
the thick scars that ran across my stomach, my everyday reminder of how lucky,
and how unlucky I was. I looked into Simon's eyes, searching for his reaction.
I waited for the pity, the repulsion. Instead I saw something else. Something
unexpected. Pride? Simon place his hands over my shaking hands.

“I didn't think I could feel any stronger about you Em. You
are such a remarkable young woman.” He leaned forward and kissed me gently on
the forehead. His strong arms wrapped around me tightly.

I suddenly felt weak. Like I might collapse. I had spent so
long building up his reaction in my mind, to have his acceptance and love meant
so much to me. To say his reaction was unexpected was a complete
understatement. I had expected him to be half out the door before I'd gotten
the first sentence out.

“You can leave if you want to. I understand.” I ignored the
lump in my throat. If he left, I'd be crushed.

“You don't get it do you?” He shook his head in dismay, a
grin spreading across his face. “You silly, silly girl. So many people have
been through less than you, and not been able to recover. I've seen people
homeless, addicted to drugs, sex. I've seen people enter a life of crime,
self-loathing. I've seen people die.” He spoke quietly. “But you? You have
pulled yourself together. You are amazing, Miss Mancelli.” He kissed me again.
This time on the lips.

 “How can you possibly think I am pulled together? I am
agoraphobic. I haven’t left the house without the help of sedatives since the
attack. I’m not remarkable. I’m certainly not special.”

 Simon shook his head, smiling. “You think being
agoraphobic means you can’t be special? News flash Emma. You get up every day.
You study. You have great relationships with your friends. You are an amazing,
caring, funny girl. So what if you can’t leave the house? So you’re not
perfect, but who is?” He kissed my forehead. “You cope every day, in spite of
what happened to you, and that is what makes you remarkable.” He gently pushed
away a strand of my hair, and looked deeply into my eyes. “I want you, Em.”

“What does that mean?” His kiss answered everything.

“It means I’ve tried being your friend and it wasn’t that
good...”

“Gee thanks.” He laughed loudly. He kissed me again, his
soft lips hungry for mine.

“You know what I mean. I can’t just be your friend. I need
all of you Em. The good and the bad.” He leaned in again, his lips connecting
with mine in yet another passionate kiss.

“Woo hoo! About fricking time!” Cass raised her glass and
cheered at me. Tom joined in. I smiled at them both.

“Em, I'm so happy for you. I mean I know I wasn't the
biggest supporter of you guys in the beginning, but I can see how happy he
makes you and that makes me happy.” I leaned over and hugged Cass.

“I am happy. Really happy. When we kiss, it's like...” I
sighed. How was it that I couldn't find the words to how he made me feel? I
could always find the words. Tom groaned.

“This isn't going to turn into a girly chick crying hugging
thing is it?” I cheered as Cass whacked him over the head with her bag. Tom
looked shocked. Even Cass was surprised at the force of her swing.

“Hey!” Cass simply shrugged. “You deserved it.” She replied
nonchalantly. I rolled my eyes. How had I managed to score such amazing
friends?

Cass and Tom kept bickering. They were both so similar in
personality. Cass was threatening to hit him over the head again.

“Guys, please.” I put up my hands. “Either get a room, or
shut up. Enough with the violence too” I directed my last comment at Cass, who
went an even deeper shade of red, while Tom sat there with his mouth open.
What
the hell is with these two
, I wondered. I'd never heard them argue so much
in my life.

“So when are you seeing him again?” Cass changed the
subject, but not before flashing a glowering look at Tom. I looked at my watch.

“Oh, in about an hour?” Both of them stared at me. “What?” I
protested.

“How many days have you seen him this week?” Cass teased.

“How many times have you seen bent penis guy?” I shot back.
Tom laughed.

“Seriously? Okay, I so need details on this one.” He crossed
his arms over his chest and waited for Cass to spill. She glared at me as I poked
my tongue out at her. That would teach her to mess with me.

“What, you’ve never seen a bent penis?” Cass grumbled,
taking a large gulp of her drink.

“Actually I haven’t. I’ve never even
heard
of a bent
penis.” Tom sputtered between fits of laughter.

“Well now you have.”  Tom reached over and shook her
arm. Cass rolled her eyes, and shot me another look. I smiled back at her
innocently.