Snuff (24 page)

M
r. Bewilderforce Gumption was having a good day so far. He had been to the bank to deposit the takings and had bought two tickets to the opera. Mrs. Gumption would be very pleased about that and certainly more pleased than she was to be called a Gumption. She was always urging him into high society or, at least, high
er
society, but in some ways the name Gumption always held you back. And now he held open the door to his emporium and saw the policeman sitting patiently in the chair.

Cheery Littlebottom stood up. “Mr. Bewilderforce Gumption?”

He tried to smile. “I generally see Fred Colon, officer.”

“Yes. And it's Sergeant Littlebottom. But strangely enough it's about Sergeant Colon that I'm visiting you today. Do you remember giving him a cigar?”

Mr. Gumption was suffering from the illusion that many people have that policemen don't see people lying all the time, so he said, “Not as I recall,” to which Cheery replied, “Mr. Gumption, it is a well-known fact that Sergeant Colon buys or otherwise procures his tobacco requirements from your noble establishment.”

Once again Bewilderforce led off on the wrong note. “I want to see my lawyer!”

“I'd like to see your lawyer as well, Mr. Gumption. Perhaps you'd send someone to collect him while I and my colleague wait here?”

Bewilderforce looked around bewildered. “What colleague?”

“Oh, aye, that'll be me well enough,” said the constable known, sometimes briefly, as Wee Mad Arthur, who had been lurking behind a packet of cigarettes.

Two police officers are far more than doubly worse than one, and Cheery Littlebottom took advantage of the sudden panic to say, carefully, “It's a very simple question, Mr. Gumption. Where did that cigar come from?”

Cheery was aware that Commander Vimes didn't like the phrase “The innocent have nothing to fear,” believing the innocent had everything to fear, mostly from the guilty but in the longer term even more from those who say things like “The innocent have nothing to fear”; but Bewilderforce was fearful—she could see him sweating.

“We know you're a smuggler, Mr. Gumption, or perhaps I should say that you take advantage of very good deals when they are, ahem, presented to you. Right now, however, all I need from you is to tell me where that cigar came from. Once you've been so kind as to tell me that, we'll walk out of this building in a happy and cooperative frame of mind.”

Bewilderforce brightened up. Cheery continued, “Of course, other departments of the Watch might wish to visit you in due course. At the moment, sir, you just have to deal with me. Do you know where that batch of cigars came from?”

Valiantly Bewilderforce tried it on. “I buy from dealers all the time,” he said. “It'd take me ages to go through the records!”

Cheery kept smiling. “No problem there, Mr. Gumption, I'll call for my expert colleague Mr. A. E. Pessimal, right now. I don't know if you know of him? It's amazing how quickly he can work through paperwork and I'm sure he'll find time in his busy schedule to help you out at no cost whatsoever.”

Five minutes later a gray-faced and breathless Bewilderforce handed Cheery a small scrap of paper.

Cheery looked up at him. “Howondaland? I thought that tobacco mostly came from Klatch?”

Bewilderforce shrugged. “Well, they've been starting up plantations in Howondaland now. Good stuff, too.” Feeling a little bit bolder, Bewilderforce went on. “All properly paid for, I can tell you. Yes, I know there's smuggling going on, but we don't have any truck with that. No need to when you can get a pretty good deal by buying in bulk. It's all in my ledgers. Every invoice. Every payment. All set down properly.”

Cheery relented. A. E. Pessimal could probably find something to excite him
somewhere
in the Gumption ledgers. After all, business was business. But there was business and there was bad business. It didn't do to get complicated. She stood up. “Thank you very much for your assistance, Mr. Gumption. We'll trouble you no further.”

Bewilderforce hesitated and said, “What's up with Fred Colon? He's a bit of a scrounger, I don't mind saying, but I would hate anything to have happened to him. It wasn't…poison or anything, was it?”

“No, Mr. Gumption. His cigar started singing to him.”

“They don't usually do that,” said Bewilderforce nervously. “I'll have to check my stock.”

“Please do that, sir. And while you're doing so perhaps you'll look out for this little list of snuff products?”

The tobacconist took it from her carefully. His lips moved and he said, “That's quite a lot of snuff, you know.”

“Yes, sir,” said Cheery. “I'm authorized to pay cash down.”

Bewilderforce looked extremely bewildered. “What? Policemen pay?”

W
alking the streets in the company of Wee Mad Arthur presented a difficulty even for a dwarf like Cheery Littlebottom. He was around six inches high, so if you spoke to him while you walked you sounded like a madman. On the other hand, he heartily disliked being picked up. You just had to put up with it. Most people made a slight detour if they saw Wee Mad Arthur in any case.

They arrived back at the Watch House and reported to Carrot and the first thing he said to Cheery was, “Do you know where there are any goblin caves, Cheery?”

“No, sir. Why do you ask?”

“I'll explain later,” said Carrot. “It's fairly unbelievable. Did you find out anything from old Gumption?”

Cheery nodded. “Yes, sir. Sergeant Colon's haunted cigar came from Howondaland, no doubt about it.”

Carrot stared at her. “I didn't think there were goblins in Howondaland? All Jolson's family come from there.” He snapped his fingers. “Hang on one moment.” He ran down the corridor to the canteen and came back followed by Constable Precious Jolson, a lady for whom the word large simply would not do. Everything about her was, as it were, family-sized, including her good nature. Everybody liked Precious. She seemed to be a fountainhead of jolliness with always a cheerful word for anybody, even when she was picking up a brace of drunks and throwing them into the hurry-up wagon.

After brief questioning Precious said, “Dad sent me over there last year, remember, wanted me to find my roots. Can't say I took to it, really. Nice weather. Not much to do. Not very exciting really, unless you try to stroke one of the cats, they get kind of stroppy. Never heard of goblins there, not the sort of place for them, I suspect. Excuse me, captain, can I get back to my tea now?”

The silence that followed was broken by Carrot, who said, “Howondaland is months away by boat, and broomsticks don't work very well over water, even if we could persuade the wizards to lend us one. Any ideas?”

“Crivens!” said Wee Mad Arthur. “No problemo! I reckon I could get there in less than a day, ye ken.”

They stared at him. Wee Mad Arthur was small enough to ride on the back of any bird larger than a medium-sized hawk—his aerial broadcasts from the sky concerning traffic hold-ups in the city
*
were a regular feature of Ankh-Morpork street life—but all the way to another continent?

He grinned. “As ye ken, I was away for a wee while lately, making the acquaintance o' my brothers, the Nac mac Feegle? Weel, they fly the birds a lot, and there's a thing they have called the craw step, ye ken? And I reckon I'm canny enough to use it, ye ken.”

“That's three kens in one speech, Wee Mad Arthur,” said Angua, to laughter from the rest of the watchmen. “You really got into the Feegle thing, didn't you!”

“Oh, ye may scoff, but I'm the only one of ye scunners who knows why we get so many big birds flying over the city at this time o' year. Ankh-Morpork is hot! See the big plume of smoke and fumes? That's all heat. It lifts ye up, a free ride that puts the wind under your wings. Have ye heard of the surreptitious albatross? No, because only me and the Professor of Ornithology at the university know about it, and he only knows because I told the scunner. Outside the mating season it never touches ground. That's not the only thing that's odd. It's an eagle masquerading as a type of albatross. Ye could call it a shark o' the sky, and I reckon one of them will do me nicely. They like the city. They hover up where you'll never see them unless you really know how to look. There's always one about, and I could leave today. What you say?”

“But, constable,” said Carrot, “you'll freeze that high up in the sky, won't you?”

“Oh aye, I ken my thermal drawers may not be sufficient, which is why the word ‘brandy' is about to enter this conversation. Trust me on this, captain. I reckon I can be back within twa days.”

“How many is that?” said Angua.

Wee Mad Arthur rolled his eyes. “
Two
, captain, for the likes o' you.”

I
n fact it took Wee Mad Arthur only an hour to identify the peaceful-looking bird drifting happily high above the city with the meal it had just had courtesy of a seagull, the feathers of which were even now drifting gently toward the cityscape below. The surreptitious albatross had no enemies that it couldn't easily digest, and paid little attention to the nondescript and relatively harmless hawk soaring toward it, right up until it found Wee Mad Arthur landing on its back. It struggled but was unable to reach the Feegle, because he was sitting comfortably and had his hands around its neck; Wee Mad Arthur tended toward the swift methods of domesticating wildlife.

The surreptitious albatross fought for yet more height by constantly spiraling up on the huge wide pillar of free lift—as Ankh-Morpork was known and understood by the avian community—and Wee Mad Arthur passed the time by memorizing a tiny penciled map of the world. Really, it wasn't difficult. On the whole, continents aren't hard to find, and neither are the edges of continents, where by general consensus, you tended to find ships moored. Wee Mad Arthur was the world expert at looking for things from above, which amused him, given that most people who wanted to see Wee Mad Arthur had to look down.

Oh well, he thought, let's go!

It was called the craw step, and the Nac mac Feegle of the chalk country had carefully shown their brother how it works when you are sitting on top of a large bird.

People in Ankh-Morpork looked up at the
bang
high above and then, given that the sky was still clear, lost interest. Meanwhile, on one astonished surreptitious albatross sat one hugely satisfied Feegle, who settled down in the feathers and began to eat a piece of the single hardboiled egg and two-inch slice of bread that were his rations for the trip,
*
while the universe rushed past them making a noise like
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
.

D
arkness had lasted about four hours when Vimes was woken by a small boy bouncing up and down on the bed, and therefore on Sam Vimes, and saying, “Willikins has found a bird that just died. Dad! Mum says I can di…ssect it if you say it's all right, Dad!”

Vimes managed a mumbled, “Yes, all right, if your mother says so,” before slipping back into the black. And the black spread around him. He heard himself thinking: the Summoning Dark could tell me everything I need to know, and that is the truth. But would the truth that it told me be
the
truth, and how would I know that? If I rely on it then in some way I become its creature. Or perhaps it becomes mine? Perhaps we have an accord and it helped me under Koom Valley and because of that the world is a better place? Surely the darkness has no reason to lie? I've always liked the night, the dead of night, those nights that are sheer blackness, making dogs nervous and causing sheep to leap their hurdles out of terror. Darkness has always been my friend, but I cannot let it be my master, though sooner or later I will have to take an oath, and if I lie, me, the chief policeman, then what am I? How could I ever again rebuke a copper for looking the other way?

He turned over among the pillows. And yet the cause is good. It is a good cause! The man Stratford did kill the goblin girl, I have the evidence of his associate and the word of a being whose assistance has been of material use to society. Admittedly, I have put a man in fear, but then, people like Flutter are
always
in fear, and better that he fears me than Stratford, because I at least know when to stop. He's just another red ball on the baize, and for that matter, I suppose, so is Stratford. He'll have a boss. They always have a nobby boss because nearly everybody around here is either a worker or nobby, and as far as I know practically everybody doesn't have a good word to say for goblins. It's a target-rich environment, and the trouble with a target-rich environment is that it is useless if you don't know which target you have to aim at.

Vimes dropped back into deep sleep, and was almost instantly shaken awake by the best efforts of his son, industriously pounding on the heap that was Vimes in slumber. “Mum says to come, Dad. She says there's a man.”

Vimes wasn't a dressing-gown type of person, so he struggled back into his clothing and made himself as presentable as a man could who needed a shave and didn't appear to have the time to get one.

There was a man sitting in the lounge, wearing a fantailer hat, jodhpurs and a nervous smile, three things that mildly annoyed Vimes. A nervous smile generally meant that somebody was after something they shouldn't have; he personally thought a fantailer looked silly; and as for the jodhpurs, no man should meet a copper if he is wearing trousers that make his legs look as though he has just burgled a house full of silverware and shoved it hastily down his trousers. In fact, Vimes thought he could see the outline of a teapot, but possibly that was his eyes playing mischievous tricks on him.

The wearer of this presumably self-inflicted triple misfortune stood up as Vimes entered. “Your grace?”

“Sometimes,” said Vimes. “What can I do for you?”

The man looked apprehensively at Lady Sybil, who was sitting comfortably in the corner with a little smile on her face, and said, “Your grace, I'm afraid I must serve you with this Cease and Desist order, on behalf of the board of magistrates for this county. I am very sorry about this, your grace, and I hope you will understand that it does go against the grain to have to do this to a gentleman, but no one is above the law and the law must be obeyed. I myself am William Stoner, clerk to said justices—” Mr. Stoner hesitated because Vimes had strolled over to the door.

“Just making sure you don't leave in a hurry,” said Vimes, as he locked the door. “Do sit down, Mr. Stoner, because you're just the man I want to talk to.”

The clerk sat down carefully, clearly not wanting to be that man. He held in front of him a scroll with a red wax seal affixed, the kind of thing believed to make a document official—or at least expensive and difficult to understand, which, in fact, amounts to the same thing.

Suddenly, Vimes realized that all those years being confronted by Lord Vetinari had in fact been a masterclass, had he but known. Well, it was time for the examination. He went back to his chair, sat back comfortably, steepled his fingers together and frowned at the clerk over the top of them for ten whole seconds, a length of time that used to unnerve him every time it happened, and so should surely work on this little tit.

Then he cracked the silence with, “Mr. Stoner, several nights ago murder was committed on my land. Landownership means something around here, doesn't it, Mr. Stoner? It appears that this was done to implicate me in the disappearance of one Jethro Jefferson, a blacksmith. You may consider me somewhat offended, but that was nothing like the amount of offense I experienced when I met Constable Feeney Upshot, our local copper, a decent lad, kind to his old mum, who nevertheless seemed to feel that he answered to a mysterious board of magistrates, rather than to the law. The magistrates? Who are the magistrates? Some kind of local body? There appears to be no oversight on these people, no circuit judge and— I haven't finished talking yet!”

Mr. Stoner, his face gray, sank back into his seat. So did Vimes, trying not to catch Sybil's eye in case she laughed. He made his face a mask of calm again and continued, “And it appears, Mr. Stoner, that officially, in this parish, goblins are vermin. Rats are vermin, so are mice, and I believe that pigeons and crows may be also. But they don't play the harp, Mr. Stoner, they don't make exquisitely configured pots, and, Mr. Stoner, they do not beg for mercy, although I must say I've seen the occasional mouse attempt it by wriggling its nose winsomely, which did indeed lead me to put the hammer down. But I digress. Goblins may be wretched, unhygienic and badly fed, and in that they are pretty much like the commonality of most of mankind. Where will your magistrates put the ruler, Mr. Stoner? Then again we don't use a ruler in Ankh-Morpork, because once the goblins are vermin, then the poor are vermin, and the dwarfs are vermin, and the trolls are vermin. She wasn't vermin and she pleaded not to die.”

He leaned back and waited for Mr. Stoner to realize that he did in fact have the power of speech. When he did so, the clerk dealt with his situation in true clerkly fashion, by ignoring it. “Nevertheless, Mr. Vimes, you are out of your jurisdiction and, I may say, encouraging Constable Upshot in ways of thinking and, I might say, behavior that will bode ill for him in his career—”

The clerk got no further than that because Vimes interrupted with, “What career? He has no career! He's a copper all by himself, except maybe for some pigs. He's a good lad at heart, doesn't scare easy, and he writes with a clear, round hand and can spell, too, which in my book makes him automatically sergeant material. As for bloody jurisdiction, murder is the crime of crimes. According to the Omnians it was the third crime ever committed!
*
I know of no society anywhere in the world that doesn't consider it a crime to be pursued with vigor, understand? And as for the law, don't try to talk to me about the law. I am not above the law, but I stand right underneath it, and I hold it up! And currently I work with Mr. Feeney, and we have an accessory to murder in his cell, and justice, not convenience, will be served.”

“Well done, Sam,” said Sybil loyally, giving the small but distinctive clap that people give when they want other people to join in.

Mr. Stoner, on the other hand, simply said, “Well done, sir, but nevertheless my instructions are to arrest you. The magistrates have sworn me in as a policeman, you see, and young Upshot has been relieved of his duties.” He winced, because of the sudden freeze.

Vimes stood up and said, “I don't think I'm going to allow you to arrest me today, Mr. Stoner! I dare say Sybil will allow you a cup of tea, should you want it, but I'm going to see Chief Constable Upshot.” And he stood up, unlocked the door and walked out of the room, out of the Hall and, at a reasonable speed, headed down to the lockup.

Halfway down, Willikins overtook him, saying, “I couldn't help hearing all that garbage, commander, on account of how I was listening at the door as per section five of the gentleman's gentleman's code. What a nerve! You'll need me to watch your back!”

Vimes shook his head. “I don't think a civilian should get involved, Willikins.”

Willikins had to run faster, because Vimes was speeding up, but he managed to gasp out, “That is a hell of a thing for you to say to me, commander.” And hurried on regardless.