Snow White Sorrow (4 page)

“Does that mean there are no gay vampire hunters?” Lucy teased him.

“Why are we having this conversation?”

“Why does anyone have a conversation? We’re all talking monkeys in this world,” Lucy suggested. “It’s just that you look more like a…huntsman with this kilt than a vampire hunter.”

“I love the huntsman,” Loki said casually, gazing at the dancing crowd. “In fact, he is the only fairy tale character I respect. He spared Snow White’s life when he could’ve just killed her.”

“But he didn’t kiss her,” Lucy winked.

“I don’t believe there’s a true love’s kiss.”

“At least we agree on that part,” Lucy raised her glass.

A guy disguised as Robin Hood approached Lucy, probably wanting to ask her to dance. Before he opened his mouth, she held her finger, with manicured fake fingernails, up to his nose, still sipping her drink. “Hit the road, loser,” she waved him away like an annoying mosquito.

“So,” Loki said, pointing at a different boy in the middle of the dance floor. “Is that the boy—I mean the vampire we’re here to kill?”

The boy he pointed at was short, wearing a Count Dracula cloak and plastic fangs. He was looking for a partner to dance with, but girls ignored him repeatedly. A girl dressed like the Wicked Witch of the West made fun of his thick glasses and sprayed silly string on them.

“Yes, that’s him,” Lucy said, showing Loki a photo of the boy. She claimed the boy’s parents had given it to her and asked her to hire a vampire hunter to kill him for a hefty price, so she hired Loki to split it. It didn’t sound like a plausible story to Loki, but he didn’t care as long as he had a chance to kill another vampire.

Loki took the picture and read the scribbled lines on the back:

Please get rid of my son, ASAP. He is terrorizing the family. I’ll pay you when you finish the job.

P.S. Kill him, but be gentle.

“I still don’t understand how this dork is a vampire,” Lucy wondered. “He looks like a total loser. You see the way he’s spinning around like a doll on a stick? I thought vampires were tall, dark, and handsome.”

“He is not a dork,” Loki explained. “He is trying to fool us so we don’t stake him. This party is infested with vampires. They come here to feed every week. What better place than this where you can’t make out real from fake blood? Unfortunately, there are many other vampire hunters in the house as well.”

“I thought you were the only vampire hunter here.”

“There are three others,” Loki said. “It’s a game we all play every weekend. If I was the only one, I’d have killed my ninety-nine already.”

“Ninety-nine?”

“Don’t bother,” Loki waved his hand. “Look!” he pointed at three big boys wearing huge mice outfits, dark glasses, and holding long canes. They were disguised as the Three Blind Mice, and they were spilling drinks on a helpless girl dressed like a cat, and teasing her relentlessly. “The canes in their hands are actually stakes. They are rival vampire hunters who always try to kill the same vampires I am after so they can take the money. They’re called Beetlebuster, Cricketkiller, and Beebully. Donnie Cricketkiller is their leader.”

“Horrible names,” Lucy frowned.

“Here’s what we’re going to do,” Loki said. “If I approach Dork Dracula, they’ll know I’m chasing him and beat me to him. That’s why I need you to help me tempt Dork Dracula out of this party so I can kill him outside.”

“What?” Lucy almost spilled her drink. “You want me, Lucette Rumpelstein, to seduce that nerd? He wouldn’t even dream of talking to me.”

“You’re right, that’s why you have to talk to him. Tell him you want to walk out in the fresh air and then drag him to my Cadillac parked behind the bushes outside.”

“Cadillac?”

“It’s a red 1955 Coupe Deville. Her name is Carmen. You’ll take the boy to Carmen and sedate him.”

“With what?”

“Magic Dust,” Loki pulled her hand closer and poured a handful of golden sand into her open palm. “Throw some of it in his eyes; just make sure you don’t inhale it.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Lucy said. “And I have a magic spindle that weaves beautiful prom dresses on its own.”

“You’re such a Minikin,” Loki mumbled as he saw the girl dressed as the Wicked Witch of the West passing by. He puffed Magic Dust in her eyes from the palm of his hand without anyone noticing but Lucy. The girl stopped in her tracks, instantly falling asleep. Loki caught her before she made a huge thud on the floor. “See?” he grinned at Lucy. “Another drunk bites the dust!” Loki raised his voice against the loud music and pointed at the sedated girl. Her friends hurried toward him and pulled her back to what they called the ‘rescue room.’ To them, she was the ninth
partyholic
to pass out tonight—the other eight weren’t Loki’s fault.

“We’ve just avenged Dorothy!” One of her friends, dressed as the Cowardly Lion, shouted with the Wicked Witch of the West piled onto his back.

“Any more questions?” Loki said, with a hint of cockiness.

“Who are you, Loki Blackstar?” Lucy’s eyes shined. She eyed him from top to bottom like the other girl. “I can’t believe I’m going to let this dork think I like him,” Lucy scowled then took a deep breath and strolled toward him.

“There’s a first dork for everything,” Loki mumbled.

Dork Dracula looked like he’d been struck by lightning when Lucy talked to him. In less than a minute, he was on his way out the door with Lucy. When he tried to touch her, she slapped him on the back of his hand like a naughty child.

Before Loki could follow them outside, someone bumped into him with a drink again. It was Donnie Cricketkiller with his two vampire hunter friends, Beetlebuster and Beebully.

“I brought you a drink,” Donnie smirked. He was almost twice as big as Loki.

“I’m on a diet,” Loki said, knowing all Donnie wanted was to get his hands on his vampire, and bully him for fun on the side.

“Take a day off,” Donnie sneered, squeezing Loki up against the wall.

“My only day off is Easter, so we’re going to have to wait a while,” Loki showed him his academy-award-winning fake smile. “You can occupy yourself with coloring some eggs until then.”

Donnie spilled his drink over Loki’s head. His friends laughed and a couple of girls who’d seemed interested in Loki, now walked away. Although Donnie was big, Loki was a tough hunter and had his own way to fight back. If only he was allowed to cause trouble in the Ordinary World. Charmwill had told him they wouldn’t permit him back in Heaven if he did, even if he killed the ninety-nine vampires.

“We’re short on vampires for the night. So we thought we’d kill yours like we always do,” Donnie chuckled, tapping his fleshy hand on Loki’s cheek—they felt like frog legs.

Loki made his hand into a fist, but avoided gritting his teeth. He was too proud to show his frustration to Donnie. There were times when Loki thought of staking Donnie like a vampire, and the hell with going back to Heaven. It took all of his willpower not to.

Charmwill had also told Loki about the darkness he had inside him from his past life, and that it was why he wasn’t allowed to fight back against guys like Donnie Cricketkiller, or that darkness would re-surface. He was puzzled by the kind of darkness Charmwill was talking about, and how it played into his past life.

“If you don’t cooperate, we’re not going to beat you up, but we’re going to beat your lovely Carmen,” Donnie said.

Loki couldn’t let that happen. Carmen was his best and only friend.

“Look, Donnie. The party is infested with vampires,” Loki choked. “Pick someone else.”

“But I heard yours had a large price on his head,” Donnie said.

This was what bothered Loki the most. Donnie and his friends were merely normal vampire hunters, doing it for the money. None of them were half-angels, and they didn’t need the job as much as he did. Loki had to get rid of them. He was already behind schedule for meeting up with Lucy. He didn’t have time to mess with these Minikins.

“This big boy here is a vampire hunter!” Loki shouted to the crowd, pointing at Donnie who instantly let go of him. If Loki wasn’t allowed to defend himself against Donnie, at least he could outsmart him. “A real vampire hunter!” Loki yelled, still pointing at Donnie.

The music stopped abruptly, and every real vampire in the house turned their head with their
real
fangs out to face Donnie Cricketkiller, Beetlebuster, and Beebully. Girls started screaming as the vampires went rogue and began biting teens for real. Things got messy in a blink of an eye. Donnie and his friends ran away before they became victims to the bloodbath.

“And the party went
buh-bye
,” Loki mumbled as a great idea struck him like a light bulb above his head: escaping.

Usually, people would escape through the main doors, fire escapes, or the windows. Loki was fond of bathrooms, and he didn’t know why. In his Ordinary World hometown, Snoring, he’d always found refuge in the school’s bathroom. He thought it was one of the best places in the world. He hid there when he didn’t feel like mingling with other students, when he wanted to avoid girls who could turn out to be demons, when he wanted to avoid bullies he wasn’t allowed to retaliate against, and particularly when he was bored with classes. He ate in the bathroom, read comics, and tried to find the missing digits of God’s cell phone number, which was partially written on the wall.

“
Hey God, can you help me? I’m in the bathroom, hiding from the bullies you told me I should ignore. Any suggestions? Fast, please, because I’m out of time.”

Locking the bathroom door behind him, a sudden storm lit up the night outside.

“And it was a dark and stormy night in the toilet,” Loki mumbled, looking for a way out. He had thought that repeatedly talking to oneself wasn’t a good idea, but he had no one else to talk to—he liked it because when he asked himself a question, he rarely answered.

As the bathroom’s door sprung open, Loki climbed out of the window, and faster than a Road Runner, he ran across the moonlit street toward the bushes. When he ran, his arms always took the lead, stretching out in front of him. Kids in school used to laugh at the way he ran.

Finally, Loki spotted his Cadillac shining red in the dark. He dove into the driver’s seat through the window as if he were superman. Lucy was sitting in the passenger seat, listening to music on her phone, checking out her fingernails.

Loki didn’t exactly land in the driver’s seat. He landed in Lucy's...well...never mind. Let's say his head landed in her— again—never mind.

“Get off me!” Lucy shrieked.

“I’m trying,” Loki said, unable to sit up straight. “They’re after me!”

“They who?”

Loki tilted his awkwardly-positioned head, amusing himself with Lucy’s chin moving upside down. Her eyes were looking at an invisible something at her lower left, which Loki assumed was his upper left.

“Do you mean those boys and girls I see in the mirror?” she laughed.

Loki freaked out and adjusted himself in the driver’s seat. “What’s wrong with you?” he said to Lucy. The way she was adjusting her blouse would’ve led someone to believe they were making out ferociously in the car.

“I hate girls,” Loki mumbled, taking his eyes off sexy Lucy. He started kicking Carmen with his foot. Keys weren’t Carmen’s thing. Although she was Loki’s best friend, and worst car, she needed a real
kick-start
to operate.

Carmen’s engine picked up. It sounded like an angry zombie calling for brrr…brrrr…brrrrraiins. The radio sprung to life with the melody of one of her favorite songs called ‘Run for Your Life’ performed by a band called the Piedpipers—Loki had googled the band before but found out they didn’t exist. It was how Carmen played her music. She played, Loki listened, no questions asked.

“Nice girl, Carmen. Yeeeha!” Loki spit out proudly as the Cadillac gunned through the muddy road ahead.

In the rear-view mirror, he saw Donnie Cricketkiller talking friendly with the vampires who were watching him with angry red eyes and fangs. Donnie must have persuaded them that Loki was the real vampire hunter, and that he was out to kill one of them now. It was a relief that vampires didn’t fly. If they wanted to get him, they had to chase him in a car like everyone else.

Loki suddenly remembered Dork Dracula whom he had gotten a glimpse of tied up on the roof of his Cadillac while jumping in.

“How did you get the boy tied up on the roof of the Cadillac?” Loki asked Lucy, gripping the wheel while driving down a bumpy road with creepy, curving trees above.

“Which boy?” she said nonchalantly, her eyes looking dizzy, and then let out an unnecessary laugh.

“Dork Dracula!”

“Ah, that, hmm,” she said, brushing her hair back.

“Ah, hmm, what?” Loki snapped. “Wait. Did you inhale some of the Magic Dust by accident?” Loki didn’t expect her to answer. The Magic Dust was designed to affect the eyes. Some people were allergic to its smell, and it made them hallucinate for several minutes. Soon, Lucy would start laughing uncontrollably until the affects wore off. “I let the doorman tie him up to the roof of your car, like luggage,” she laughed with big pupils, clapping her hands together. “Dork Dracula wanted to kiss me before I sedated him so I kicked him in the balls, and he fainted.”

“You didn’t sedate him?”

“He’d already passed out. Don’t worry. It always works. I kicked all my ex-boyfriends,” she was already hallucinating.

“This means Dork Dracula might wake up any moment now, and I can’t stop the car because the vampires from the party are coming after us,” Loki wanted to scream and pull his hair. “And why did the doorman agree to help you?”

“I seduced him,” Lucy brushed her forefinger across Loki’s nose, laughing still. “I showed him my…”

“You showed him your what?” Loki’s eyes widened. This night was getting mad as a hatter by the minute.

Trying to remember, Lucy’s face changed. She looked puzzled and vaguely serious. “I showed him my…
something
,” she tried to remember.

“You don’t remember what you showed him? At least you stopped laughing. That’s a good sign. It’ll only be a couple of minutes until the effect wears off,” Loki said. All he needed was to reach the location where Lucy had parked her four-wheeler, stake Dork Dracula, add him to the list and get some money.