Snared (Jaded Regret #1) (27 page)

“I can only image what she thinks of me now,” I whispered. “I’m toxic to her. She deserves better.”

“No,” Natalie said. “Don’t start that. We all love you, Beau. Bex, Johnny, Tanner, we’ve all been staying here in Orlando and will until you’re released and we can go home. You aren’t alone. You’ll
never
be alone.”

Dr. Viola cleared his throat, making us both turn our attention to him. “Beau, Natalie has some news for you. Are you ready to hear it?”

Natalie wrung her hands in her lap. “What is it, Nat?”

She looked at Dr. Viola for reassurance and then back to me. “I got custody of Robbie. I’m picking him up today.”

My mouth dropped open. She did
what
? The breath whooshed from my lungs as I fought for control.

“Beau, focus on breathing and thinking about what you want to ask or say. Don’t shut down.”

I took in a deep breath, held it, and let it out slowly. My heart pounded in my ears, and my fingers tapped on my legs. I needed to play.
Needed
.

“Why did you do that?” I asked finally.

Natalie narrowed her eyes at me. “What? You want your son to stay in foster care?”

No, of course I didn’t want him to remain in foster care. It was a bad place for a child to grow up. But . . . what? What
did
I want? “N-no. I just . . .”

“That’s my
nephew
. April had a friend accelerate the DNA test to prove Robbie is yours, and we went in front of a judge. I got temporary custody of him as his aunt until you can get yourself right and take him out of the system entirely.”

I stared at her, my mind reeling. She had custody of Robbie until I got myself together. What if I could
never
do that?

“Beau, tell us what you’re thinking,” Dr. Viola said.

“I don’t know if I can be a parent. I never wanted this.”

“You didn’t choose this, but it chose
you
. So you have a choice, Beau. Yes, it is yours to make. Your sister got custody of Robbie, but it’s temporary. If you can’t take him, then he’ll go back into foster care.”

“NO!” I stood, the fist of my one good hand clenched. “He
cannot
grow up like I did.”

Dr. Viola tapped his pen on his notepad, waiting for me to come to my own conclusions. If I didn’t want him to grow up in foster care, I had to take responsibility for him. Robbie
needed
me. I was the only one who could understand what he was going through and how best to help him from this point forward.

I relaxed my fist and began pacing the room, Natalie and Dr. Viola watching me. I never wanted to be in this place, but here I was anyway. I had a girlfriend I couldn’t be with and a son I didn’t deserve.

I stopped in front of Natalie. “He’s my son.”

Her weary eyes met mine. “Yes, he is.”

“Does he know?”

“No,” Natalie said. “I’m not sure what to tell him. I’m going with April later to pick him up. I’m staying at April’s house so she’ll be there to help me, but I feel like we should tell him something.”

“I think his father should be there when he’s told.” Dr. Viola voiced his opinion. Natalie nodded, obviously in agreement. I needed to be there? What if he didn’t want me to be his father? After all, I’d freaked out in front of him. God, what if he knew I tried to kill myself? What did that teach him?

“I need to get out of here,” I said. I remembered being nine years old and confused. While I hadn’t been in foster care then, it would’ve been better if I had been. At least then the verbal abuse my mother subjected me to daily would’ve made less of an impact.

“Not yet.” Dr. Viola shook his head.

“Come on! You have me on a ton of meds. I’ll come and do visits daily if you want me to. I need to take care of my . . .”

“Your son.” Natalie reached out and touched my fingers. “Your beautiful, amazing child.”

“A few more days, at the least,” he said. “I’m not comfortable with releasing you yet. You’re making good progress, but what happened was severe, Beau.”

“I
know
it was.”

“You still don’t remember all the details,” he continued.

“I remember enough to know I freaked my girlfriend the hell out and tried to kill myself. Yet, I’m still standing here.”

“April wants to see you. She’s
dying
, Beau. I swear she’s lost ten pounds in the last few days, and she doesn’t have it to lose. I don’t think she’s sleeping.” Natalie looked at Dr. Viola. “Can we make an exception and let her see him? Please?”

“No.” My heart broke as the words left my lips. Natalie’s eyes snapped to mine, confusion written on her face. “She doesn’t need to see me.”

“Beau.” Her tone was stern. Dr. Viola was quiet, listening.

“Natalie, I don’t deserve her. Tell her to go home. She might think she cares about me now, but she can move on. She needs to move on. She will find someone who is whole and doesn’t have the baggage of mental issues and a child he never knew about . . .”

“
Beau
.” Natalie stood, crossing her arms in front of her chest. I knew that look, but she wasn’t going to convince me this time. “Stop it. April . . . loves you.”

I gasped. There was no way. April didn’t love me. Not after what I did. She couldn’t. “Don’t say that, Natalie.”

“She does, Beau. She’d probably kill me for saying that because this is not how it’s supposed to go, but you need to get your head out of your ass.
Don’t
push her away because you think you don’t deserve this. You deserve it more than anyone I know. Your whole life, you’ve been waiting for someone to validate you and make you feel like you were worthy. April does that for you. You are a different person around her, Beau, and you know it.” She stopped, wiping a tear from her eye as she glanced over at Dr. Viola. “Help me.”

Dr. Viola cleared his throat. “Why do you want April to go, Beau? Is it because you don’t care for her and don’t want to be with her?”

I closed my eyes, thinking about the time I’d spent with April. I remembered the first night we met and me being so intimidated and tongue-tied, all the way to the other day when we’d hugged, kissed, and made love like we were meant for each other. The way she looked at me . . . it was like nothing I’d ever felt before.

But then Robbie’s face took her place, and I saw him, throwing chairs and screaming. I saw his sad face while he clutched the picture of his mother and then his happy face while we’d been driving go-karts.

I’d never been more confused in my life. “I care about her, but that doesn’t mean I should be with her.”

“Don’t you think you should let her make that decision?” Dr. Viola asked.

Natalie nodded. Of course she agreed with him.

“You’re scared, Beau. That’s understandable. Before April, you had your life contained in this little box you could control. Once you met her, your life was turned upside down, and the contents of your box were spilled, but you liked it. You started to think maybe you could open yourself up to someone again. But now Robbie has smashed your comfort into smithereens, and you think the only way to put it back together again is to stuff yourself back inside the box where you started.”

I stared at Dr. Viola, hating that the damn shrink was right. Every fucking word he said was true, and it made me want to scream.

“Let’s let him rest,” he said to Natalie. “You can come back later.”

“Can I bring April?”

Dr. Viola sat quietly for a moment. “Only if Beau says he wants her here.”

They both looked at me. My heart screamed and jumped up and down, begging them to bring her to me. But my brain refused to let my mouth open and say the words. No matter what they said or how right Dr. Viola was, I knew she was better off without me.

April

I SAW NATALIE
coming down the long hallway, and I couldn’t wait to see what had happened. It was the first any of us had gotten to see Beau, and I wanted to know everything. My fingers itched to run through his short hair and my lips tingled at the thought of his warm kiss.

I needed him. I wanted him. I missed him with every fiber of my being.

“How did it go?”

Natalie smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “He looks good. He’s in a better place.”

“Did you tell him about Robbie?”

She nodded. “Yes.”

“And how did he take it?”

“He already knew, so it was confirming it. He didn’t take it so well that I got custody of him, though.”

Just as I figured. “Is he okay?”

“Yes. He’s torn. He doesn’t want Robbie in foster care, but also doesn’t think he can be a father.”

“He’ll be a great father,” I said. Just seeing Beau with Robbie at the amusement park had solidified that.

“Yes, he will, but he doesn’t see it that way. All he sees is that he is messed up and has no business raising a child. All he remembers is how we were ‘parented.’ He doesn’t think he knows how to love.”

My body tingled at the memory of his lovemaking. “I disagree with that.”

“I do, too. We were trying to make him see how great this could be, but he can’t see past what he thinks of himself. What I didn’t tell him was that even if he could never be Robbie’s full-time dad, I would take him. He’s my nephew, and he deserves to know he’s loved by his family. Beau wanted to get out, but his doctor won’t release him yet. He said at least a few more days.”

“Can I see him?”

Natalie sighed. “Not yet.”

Why did I have the feeling she wasn’t telling me the whole truth? “Nat. Why not?”

She refused to make eye contact, and I knew she was trying to come up with a lie to tell me.

The truth crashed on top of me like a ton of bricks. “He doesn’t want to see me, does he?”

Sadness clouded her eyes. “He’ll come around, April. He’s just . . . embarrassed and in pain.”

Tears welled in my eyes. Beau didn’t want to see me. I looked down the hall, the urge to sprint past the nurses and doctors who kept the patients from us and find him so strong I physically had to force myself not to do it. If I could see him face to face, I could show him I didn’t think less of him. If anything, I loved him more for fighting through it.

But he didn’t want me. I wasn’t enough for him. Seeing me would remind him of what he’d attempted to do, and maybe he couldn’t deal with that. Now
I’d
become the poison in his life.

“Don’t.” Natalie steered me so we walked next to each other down the hallway toward the exit. “My brother cares about you. I know it. I see it. He thinks he’s doing the right thing, but he’s not. He’ll figure it out. Just give him some time.”

I didn’t believe a word she said. All time would do is make his resolve that we didn’t belong together stronger.

I didn’t say a word as I drove Natalie to the group home. Trent was supposed to prepare Robbie somewhat for my arrival though he wasn’t going to tell him anything about where and who he was going with.

I had no plans of either one of us telling Robbie who Beau was to him. That was something Beau needed to do when it was time. I had to admit, I’d teared up at the emergency hearing I’d been able to get with my favorite judge. He knew me well, and I liked and respected him. When I’d told him we’d found the child’s father and aunt and had a confirmed paternity test to prove it, my throat had closed up so tight I’d had to stop speaking.

That’s when his kind eyes had turned to me, and a big smile had gone across his face.
“April,”
he’d said
, “This is one of the good times. We’ve seen so much together, you and I, but this time, it’s good. A kid gets to go home. I’m granting temporary custody to Natalie Anderson, the child’s paternal aunt. We’ll have another hearing to determine final custody once the father is available.”
He knew what Beau’s story was, but it wouldn’t stop him from giving Robbie to him once he was cleared by his doctors.

“April.” Natalie stopped as we reached the door to the group home. “Thank you for helping me with this. Robbie will probably have a lot of questions. I appreciate everything.” Natalie and Robbie were going to stay with me until we figured out what was going to happen with Beau.

I nodded, not trusting my voice. I needed advice. My head was all messed up from this week’s events and Beau’s refusal to see me. Maybe I needed to talk to a psychologist, too. I opened the door and walked into the house, hoping to avoid Natalie seeing how upset I was. I’d never felt so raw and broken in my entire life.