Snakes' Elbows (9 page)

18 In the Police Station

The policeman and policewoman looked at each other. They looked at the black cat with a white bib and socks and a white splodge over its nose that was sitting on the counter of the police station. They looked at the two men on the other side of the counter. One was small and fat, with shiny dark eyes like black buttons and wild hair standing on end. The other was an elderly man with wispy grey hair, and his eyes were red because he had been crying.

‘Let's go through all of this again, shall we,' said the policewoman, turning to the big leather-bound book in which she had just
finished writing down the whole story. ‘All your paintings have been stolen.'

‘Yes,' said Barney tearfully.

‘By a ghost.'

‘Yes.'

‘And this ghost was completely invisible,' said the policeman.

‘Except for when it was a pair of shoes,' replied Barney.

‘And a rolling pin,' added Wilf.

‘And the, um, rolling pin threw a raspberry jelly at you,' said the policeman, pointing at Wilf with his pencil.

‘It was a lemon jelly and it wasn't thrown at me. I fell into it when the rolling pin chased me into the pantry and locked the door.'

The policeman and woman looked at each other again. ‘The rolling pin chased you into the pantry and locked the door,' the woman repeated.

‘Yes.'

‘Course it did,' said the policeman. ‘Happens every day of the week.'

‘Twice on Sundays,' said the policewoman. She bit her lip, clearly trying hard not to laugh, and looked down at the book again. ‘And the rolling pin also chased you into the bedroom and locked you in there?' she said to Barney.

‘No, that was the shoes. Only they were invisible again by then and they didn't really chase me, it was more that I ran away because I was frightened. I locked myself in the bedroom with the cat.'

‘And you stayed there for almost the whole day,' said the policewoman, ‘and when you came out you found that all your paintings had gone, every last one of them.'

‘Yes,' said Barney, and he started to cry again.

‘So you went downstairs and you found him,' she said, pointing at Wilf, ‘locked in the pantry.'

‘Yes.'

‘With a jelly on his head.'

‘Yes.'

‘A lemon jelly.'

‘Yes.'

‘He having been chased there by a rolling pin.'

‘Yes.'

Dandelion was wondering if the police were always as slow-witted as this when suddenly the policeman turned to her. ‘And what about you, eh, Miss P. Cat?' and he jabbed her hard in the bib with a stubby finger. ‘Maybe I should take a statement from you. What have you got to say for yourself?'

Dandelion drew herself up proudly and stared at him hard with her cold green eyes. She would have given eight of her nine lives there on the spot for the gift of speech. She imagined herself telling the police in a low calm voice exactly what had happened. ‘It wasn't a ghost. It was Jasper Jellit. If you go over to his house you'll find all the paintings hidden there. He stole them. His dogs will back up my story.'

‘We're waiting, Puss,' said the policeman,
and he jabbed at her again, chuckling at his own wit in pretending to expect a cat to be of any help.

‘
Eau de cologne
,' said the policewoman turning to Barney and Wilf. ‘You both smelt
eau de cologne
.'

‘We did, yes.'

‘Smelt nice then, these shoes?' said the policeman and he tittered.

‘What about the rolling pin?' giggled the policewoman. ‘Suppose you'll be telling us next all rolling pins spray themselves behind the ears with
eau de cologne
every morning.'

‘Course they do,' guffawed the policeman. ‘Haven't you noticed that every time you go to the chemist's you can't get anywhere near the perfume counter because of all the … all the …'

But he was laughing so much now that he couldn't get the words out and the policewoman had to finish his sentence for him. ‘Rolling pins!' she shrieked. ‘Because of all the rolling pins!'

‘Parfum pour Homme. Pour Femme. Pour Rolling Pin!'

‘Ooh this is hilarious,' said the policewoman, wiping her eyes.

‘Tell you what,' said the policeman to Barney, still helpless with laughter. ‘When I find this invisible ghost, I'll put my hand on his shoulder and arrest him for you.'

‘If you can find his shoulder,' gasped the policewoman. ‘And I'll put it in handcuffs.'

‘Ghosts don't have hands,' roared the policeman. ‘Neither do … rolling pins,' screamed the policewoman, and they were off again, laughing until they wept.

‘Oh deary me,' cried the policeman eventually, still gasping and giggling. ‘Never in all my born days, never in all my many long years in the force have I heard such a complete and utter load of codswallop. I'd charge you pair with wasting police time,' he added, trying to look stern, ‘were it not for the fact that I don't remember when I last had such a good laugh.'

‘Now hoppit,' said the policewoman, ‘and take the pussycat with you. Don't let me see you back in here again.'

‘Course if the ghost comes in, we won't see it either,' said the policeman, ‘because it's invisible.'

‘Nor the shoes!'

‘Nor the rolling pin!'

And as Barney, Wilf and Dandelion trudged home sadly, they could hear the laughter of the policeman and woman still floating up the street behind them.

19 The Best of Friends

Dandelion had sometimes thought that Barney's house was a bit lonely, because it was so big and no one ever came to visit. But after all the paintings had been stolen there were no two ways about it: it was a tremendously sad and gloomy place. Barney was completely heartbroken. The house was silent at all hours now because he was too upset even to play his piano. The long corridors where the paintings had hung were desolate and empty. Wilf was nervous all the time, terrified that the ghost would come back and chase him again. He was always looking over his shoulder now and the
slightest sudden noise or unexpected movement made him jump in fright. Dandelion wandered alone wistfully from room to room. She still had to take the yellow pills and wear the hated red harness; was hungry all the time because she was given so little to eat. Everything was miserable now, she thought.

Jasper, on the other hand, had never been happier. The day after the robbery he called the butler to his room. ‘I'm going to throw a party,' he said. ‘I've got something to celebrate.'

‘Indeed, Sir? And what might that be?' asked the butler politely.

‘Not telling!' said Jasper. ‘Wouldn't you like to know?' and he stuck out his tongue.

The butler gave a thin smile. ‘I can't take much more of this,' he thought. ‘Any day now, I'm going to climb over that wall in the middle of the night and run away.'

‘It's going to have an Italian theme this time,' Jasper went on. ‘Venice!' he cried.

As usual, no expense was spared. A vast network of canals was dug throughout Jasper's estate. They were flooded with water and a fleet of gondolas was brought in especially from Italy so that the guests could amuse themselves sailing up and down in the shiny black boats. The Prince of Venice was called a Doge and so of course Jasper had to be him. He ordered a suit of gold to wear, with which he was delighted, not realising it made him look like a total prat. A magnificent painted wooden barge to be rowed by fifty oarsmen was also bought so that he could make a spectacular entrance. The Doge had lived in a palace in Venice made of pink and white stone arranged in pretty patterns. Not to be outdone, Jasper made the whole of the front of his house look exactly the same by covering it with squares of pink and white marshmallow. The long-suffering dogs were kitted out in velvet robes, dark red for Cannibal and bottle green for Bruiser. Teams of Italian chefs
sweated and toiled, turning out vast tangled heaps of spaghetti, made fragrant with fresh basil, and pizzas as big as cartwheels. The pastry cooks created extraordinary puddings made of sweetened cream cheese and candied fruit, the like of which had never before been seen in Woodford.

Late that night, Dandelion saw the firework display that brought the party to a close. After Barney had gone to sleep, she stood on the windowsill of the darkened bedroom with her front paws pressed against the pane and watched the spectacular explosions of coloured light unfold and fade against the night sky.

The following morning there was a special colour supplement in the
Woodford Trumpet
, full of photographs of the party. Barney leafed through it listlessly as he ate his bacon and eggs. Nothing interested him these days.

‘Cheer up,' Wilf said. ‘At least you've still got your angel,' and he nodded towards the
bedside table. Because Barney had kept the new painting in his room it hadn't been stolen when Jasper took all the other pictures.

‘I suppose you're right,' Barney said, and he stared at the Haverford-Snuffley Angel, with its bright eyes and vivid wings. ‘But even so, Wilf, even so …'

After drinking every single drop of the small saucer of milk that was all she now received, but before anyone had time to even think about the yellow pills, Dandelion slipped out of the house. ‘I'll go and visit Cannibal and Bruiser,' she decided. ‘Perhaps there'll be some food left over from the party.'

As soon as they saw her, the dogs knew what was in her mind. ‘I'm sorry to disappoint you but there's not a sausage left,' Cannibal thought. ‘The greedy guests scoffed the lot.'

‘They even ate all the pink and white marshmallows off the front of the house,' added Bruiser.

‘Never mind,' thought Dandelion, even as
her tummy rumbled. ‘It's nice just to be here with you.'

The cat and the dogs settled down under a tree together, to watch the army of workmen who were busy setting the garden to rights again. Already the shiny black gondolas were stacked up on a lorry to be taken away and the water had been drained from the canals. Soon the men would fill the empty trenches with soil and cover them with grass. Then the garden would look immaculate again, until the next time Jasper decided to throw one of his crazy parties.

Crack!
All at once something flew past Dandelion's head, missing her literally by a whisker. What was it?
Crack!
It happened again, this time almost hitting her ear. They looked towards the house and saw to their horror that Jasper was leaning out of his bedroom and pointing a gun straight at them.
Crack!
He was shooting at Dandelion! Terrified, she took off and raced zigzagging across the lawns,
desperate to get away. ‘Attaboy, Cannibal!' Jasper shouted as the two dogs ran after the cat. ‘Kill, Bruiser, kill!' Panting and shocked, all the animals arrived at the high wall that enclosed Jasper's land. In a single bound Dandelion leapt to the top of it, and sat there trembling with fear.

‘We're sorry about this,' the dogs thought, ‘So very sorry.'

‘I know it's not your fault,' Dandelion replied, ‘but I hope you'll understand if I don't come to visit you again. Will you come and visit me instead?'

‘But your owner doesn't like us,' thought Bruiser.

‘Yes, but the worst he'll do is to shoo you away,' the cat argued. ‘Barney would never try to shoot you. Oh please come, I'll be so lonely if you don't.'

‘We'll visit you, Dandelion,' the two dogs promised. ‘We won't let you down.'

They kept their word the very next day, and
Barney noticed them just as Wilf was wheeling in the trolley for lunch. ‘Those horrible dogs are back, they're pestering the cat again.'

But when he moved to the window so that he could shout at them and scare them off Wilf said, ‘No, wait a minute. Look.' Because something quite remarkable was taking place. Far from frightening or annoying the cat, they were all three quite happily playing together.

‘Well I never!' exclaimed Barney softly as Dandelion chased her own tail, and then the two dogs, clearly copying her, began to do exactly the same thing. Round and round they spun, the little cat a black and white blur, until they collapsed together in a tangle of tails and paws and ears, and all fell fast asleep.

‘If I hadn't seen it with my own two eyes, I'd never have believed it,' said Wilf. ‘They're clearly the best of friends.'