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I struggle to draw a clear breath at that and my eyes begin to water, but I remember the deal I made to myself. I want to cave and go against my better judgment, but I need to see this work. I need to know we aren’t just jumping in head first. I want this to work because I don’t want to be falling back to the dark places we’ve forced upon one another.

So I whisper all I can. “It’s not so easy, Zane.” I see the hurt reflect immediately in his eyes, and I feel like a massive bitch, but I have to keep it real here. “I have stood before you while you spout a pretty little story about how much you love me and what you want and what we both could be to the other; that it’s now going to be the final time. There’s so much between us now.” I look away, the enormity of our twisted past’s curses upon me and when I finally look up, I admit the one thing that stops me from believing him
again
. “Your track record doesn’t inspire me to want to go down that route a fourth
and final
time.”

“Then let's start this again, Amelia. No past to keep comparing us to. No murders, no betrayals.” He watches me and I can see he’s trying his hardest with me. Even more so as he extends a hand out to me, waiting for me to shake. “Hi, I’m Zane.”

“That’s not how I remember our first meeting.”

My comment is brought with a remembrance how he stopped me leaving a bar one night, blocking my entire exit and gave me a bright grin, complimenting me in the most masochistic way before I rammed my closed fist into his baby balls. He might have dropped like a ten ton weight and I might have stepped over him to leave, but he was back on his feet – albeit difficultly – following me out, telling me that I was the woman of his dreams. It hadn’t been love at first sight, but my tenacity had really won him over.

“Hi,” I whisper, putting my hand into his. “My name’s Amelia.” I watch the smile begin to creep along his lips, and I attempt to pull my hand away. “This doesn’t mean automatic admittance to my panties. If this is us starting again, we take it slow and you have to trust that I’m not out to hurt you purposefully. I wasn’t before this reintroduction so I won’t be after it. Likewise, the moment you try to evoke some wild jealousy in me with another girl, I’m out. I want this to work, and I’m running out of energy to fight for it. That said, I’m willing to try my damn hardest because I can’t lose you over and over again, but my bed and panties are not going to be an easy feat anymore.”

“No, I know, but it’s a start,” he tells me, taking my hand and dragging me back to the party. “And that’s far better than an end.”

“You don’t have to follow me around,” I mutter as I walk through the shopping mall, irritation rattling me strongly.

“Kinda do,” Zane responds, and it’s annoying how much mirth I can hear in his voice. “It was either me or one of your father’s men, and I know how much you love clingy people.”

“So you’ve become one?” I stop and ask while looking at him. “If this is the new you you’ve introduced me to, no thanks.”

Zane chuckles. “Look, Amelia, I’m going to take every opportunity I can get with you because even though I want your father to see how serious I am about my decision, I want you to see how deadly serious I am over you being a key factor. If coming shopping and holding your bags is that, I’ll do it.”

“So, what is this?” I ask, putting my hands on my hips. “Is this you trying to give me an idea of how us
dating
would be like?”

I see a coy smile brace itself upon Zane’s handsome face and I notice the blush creep onto his cheeks. My heart flutters and I see a glimpse of how much thought Zane has put into winning me over.

“It is, isn’t it?” I ask, trying hard not to allow my amusement to erupt with a fit of giggles. The man before is an enigma to me. He had the job, the life ready and waiting for him to live out, but with one whisper of his heart, he stepped over to the dark side. Even with the amount of push and pull between us – and the animosity we’ve presented to one another – he still stands here unrelenting and more confident in his decision than ever.

“Look,” he begins and puts his arm out so we can start walking again. “There are many things I am, Amelia, and sadly, a fucking heartless romantic is one of them.” There’s a moment of silence that lapses between us, save for the sound of other shoppers. “But only for you.” We get no further with our conversation as Zane stops and looks into a storefront. He grouses for a moment, observing before looking at me with satisfaction. “I really want a new suit. I have like three, and at this rate, they’ll be ruined,” he jokes, shooting me a look as if the tatters his suits will become will be my fault.

“Make sure it’s a decent one,” I quip sarcastically. “If you don’t have enough for it, you can use my card. My father might as well pay for something.”

“His pay is generous, Amelia,” Zane replies, matter-of-factly with a sense of sarcasm. “I don’t think I’ll need you for this.”

“Okay,” I laugh and then look over my shoulder, spotting an empty bench. “I’m going to go sit over there and wait. Is that okay?” I say, pointing to it. “I’ll take the bags with me and you can browse. If you need me, just call me in.”

“Okay, I won’t be long, but if I need a woman’s opinion, I’ll call you,” he adds  as he hands me the bags and disappears into the store.

I go and sit down on the bench, setting the bags down around me and pull my cell out to look occupied. My eyes flit between the other shoppers, trying my hardest to indulge in their normality. Between the elderly couples, the lovers, and the ‘BFFs’, my heart rate slows to a shallow pulse that I struggle to acknowledge. I lower my phone to my lap as I consume the sights before me.

There’s an entire other world out there that I’ll never be able to experience because of the life I was born into. I never got to go to high school, never went to prom, never managed to have a high school sweetheart. I never experienced bullies, or being popular, or being a geek. I was never able to find my niche or discover what I wanted to do with my life. I was never allowed to experience sleepovers and shopping dates with friends. I never experienced my father scaring boys off, or my brothers being the guys all the girls talked about when they walked down the corridors of the school.

I only knew shelter. I experienced an education within the walls of my home; the friends I made were my family’s business associates and their children. But even the latter was limited. I never got to go on play dates or make blossoming friendships. I never had sleepovers or makeovers, or gossiped with girlfriends.

The only reason I managed to meet Zane was because I ran free one night with one of my father’s friend’s son. Dante was always one of my closest friends, but only because of our families. Without that, I wouldn’t even have him. He was there to support me, but he’s no longer around. He’s gone, but I have Zane, so I haven’t lucked out entirely. Had I never taken the chance, I would never have wound up in Dynasty and I would never have had my chance at another life.

When Zane drops beside me, blue eyes trained on me. I offer a smile and turn to him and just ambush him.

“I planned to come back so harsh that I wouldn’t get hurt by sights like that and people like you.” I sigh disappointed in myself as I point out people. “Want to know a little secret?” I ask, wondering if I should bare this part of myself to him. When he nods, I know I can’t back away, and if I do, I’ll spend the rest of my day kicking myself for being so pathetic. Inhaling some strength, I put my sole attention upon Zane, offer a small smile, and speak. “I come here most of the time to see what I’m missing out on.”

I see his eyes flicker. They radiate with glorious amounts of confusion, and I feel my cheeks begin to burn. The sensation only magnifies when I look away and my gaze lands on a group of girls who are roughly my age – all smiles, all so carefree. When I look back at Zane, I see the realization has hit him and as he tears his watchful stare away from the same group of girls I had being gawking at, he puts his hand out to cover mine.

“I watch girls like those and see how much fun they have and how close they are and just imagine what it would be like to have some real friends.” I roll my eyes, pushing down my feelings. I look at him, smiling through my emotional pain. “Pathetic, right?”

I struggle to force laughter to cover up, but in the end, desolation reigns and I shake my head in dismay. How could I be so fucking stupid to let that out?

“Amelia,” he begins, but I can’t allow him to turn into some psychic who knows what I’m thinking.

“I just want to feel normal, Zane. That’s why I do it. I sit here and watch people live out these perfect lives and wonder what I did so wrong in a past life to be granted with what I have.” My lips pull into a smile, but I know it’s unconvincing. “I just want a slice of normalcy to know what it felt like to live.” I take a few deep breaths and worry what my next comment will do to Zane, but I know there’s no point in hiding the truth from a man who’s only been honest with me. Deception tore us apart once; I won’t allow it this time. “A bit like we used to live. When the doors were shut, the world forgotten, and I just got to live my life with you.”

“I’m sure that’s not all you want,” he comments, looking down as he weaves his fingers with mine; the touch, delicate and although minimal, is intimate. “Go on,” he prompts, clearly seeing my expression says more than I wanted it to. “Tell me,” he urges me.

“I don’t want much in this life, I really don’t,” I whisper, hoping not to sound pathetic with this comment. “I want that all-consuming love.” I deliberately pause and look at him, knowing he is that. “I want to make a life with the man I love and have so many children that all we know is undying love, and I want to have that picket fence and that stupid swing on the porch like Bruno does.” I watch as Zane’s smile illuminates the more I talk. “I want friends and I want to walk outside and not worry about my next job and I-” I hiccup, looking down at our hands as they sit holding one another. “I want my happily ever after.”

“You can have just that,” Zane replies, moving closer to me. “You said before that you wanted to run, wanted to get away. We can do just that.”

“It’s not that easy,” I tell him, shaking my head to rid myself of the thought. “Plus, I just know that dreamers don’t survive long in this life. It’s not built for them. It’s all orchestrated for people like Gio. They’re the ones who will survive long after the rest of us.”

“I think you’re doing a perfect job of surviving,” he muses lightly. “I know I’ve been in the family only almost two weeks, but I have seen so much. Amelia, you might think you have this clear-cut idea of what life you’re meant to have, but you’re so wrong. There are so many possibilities and I know what Carlo can do.” He cocks a brow as my eyes widen. How does he know?! “I caught him making some calls about helping someone escape. When he saw me there, he finally told me what he was up to and he also told me how you gave up your chance before for Manuel.”

“I blew that,” I grumble, feeling shame douse my wounded ego.

“But did you?” he asks rhetorically. “You came back, Amelia, and you fight for him as much as you do yourself. I’ve seen how tender you are with Manuel. When with Sal, you’re a conniving bitch.” He laughs but only when I show some sign of amusement. “You’re loyal to those who deserve it and you show courage to those who don’t. All it will take is one call and you could have Manuel living a life you want and it’ll only take a second call to have you doing the same.”

“I can’t leave,” I whisper solemnly. “Like Enzo, I can’t. I stay because I don’t want to abandon any of them.”

“From what I’ve seen there, too, they won’t care. They’d be happy to have you out of the family if it meant you’re not doing things you don’t want to do.” He leans in closer, the intimacy arousing all of my hidden emotions and I cave to the weakness I keep forbidden. “There’s an entirely new world outside of the Dio Lavoro, sweetheart, and it’s waiting for you. Believe me when I say I know you’re destined for that white picket fence fantasy. I only know because I’ll be the one building that damn thing for you.”

I laugh at the thought of Zane and me setting up home. Not one trapped in a tiny apartment, but one created with the hope for the future. It’s all I ever dreamed of, but sadly, my pipedreams always end with my father tearing them down and laughing at the lunacy. I always wind up waking in a cold sweat, feeling stupid for ever thinking I can escape the clutches of my father.

Like me, my father has too much dirt on me to set me free. As much as I could get him sent down for life, he could do the same with me. I am a prisoner and soon, without saving himself, Zane will be the same. You live this life until death, not fulfil a part-time vacancy in.

“Zane?” I query in a low whisper. When he looks at me, I bite the bullet. “Why are you doing this?” My own voice sounds so weak, ready to break in defeat. “Why are you even being nice to me when I’m a total bitch to you?”

Releasing my hand, Zane reaches up to my chin, forcing me to hold my head a little higher. “Because you need to feel something other than hate. I need you to feel love again. That’s all.” He smiles at me, his stance and expression exudes sincerity, and I know one thing – he’s right. He’s always right. I do need to love again. But not right now. Right now, I need a friend, a confidante, someone to give me hope. “Fight all you want, but the joke will be on you, darlin’.”

“You really are a fool,” I mutter, trying to hide my flattery. “You’ve seen what I’m capable of, Zane. It’s destructive and...
malevolent
. I taint everything I touch with who I am and I am corrupt to the bone now. My father made sure I would be past the point of saving.”

“But I don’t think you are,” he quips, a small smile adorns his face, aiding his honesty, and I’m mesmerized at how we could be having such an open, honest chat in a public setting. He makes the world fall away every time, and I don’t want to lose that escapism. “I love you and all your tainted shades, Amelia. You make yours too beautiful to ignore. There’s nothing not to love and everything to want.” He edges a little closer and although his hand falls away entirely from me, the intimacy of the moment isn’t lost. “You see yourself as past saving, as corrupt, as a monster, but that’s not how I see you.” He takes a moment between speaking to build the anticipation between us. “And do you want to know why I don’t?”

“Why’s that?” I dryly whisper, finding my voice ebbing away.

“Every time I look into your eyes, I see that little spark of you in there. The one that tells me you’re still fighting. I won’t stop while I still see that,” he tells me, his hand cupping my cheek.

I close my eyes, not caring for the shoppers coming and going in the middle of the mall. “I don’t know how long you’ll be able to stand the sight of me.”

He reaches up and rubs away my straggling tear. “All the time you’re like this, I won’t look elsewhere. I can’t lose hope when you still feel everything.”

We’re back to that argument, and I realize as long as I’m bearing guilt, remembering those who have died at my hands, feeling the impact of every notion around me, Zane won’t look elsewhere. And I guess that right there is my saving grace – with my humanity intact, there’s still hope.

“C’mon, I’m taking you home,” he says, reaching out for me with one hand and grabbing all the bags with another.

He issues me with one moment of normalcy as we walk out of the shopping mall hand in hand.