Slowly We Trust (21 page)

“I think I have a problem,” I said, calling my sister. She was just coming out of class.

“Really, William? You couldn’t have waited until dinner tonight? You missed me that much?” She must be walking fast, because her breathing was quick.

“Shut up, this is important. I think I’m in love with Audrey.”

“No shit, Sherlock. I knew before you did.”

“I know I’m in love with her, but Simon was talking the other day about how I’ll only ever love one person, like really love one person, and I’m afraid that it’s Audrey and I know she loves me, but what if something happens? What if I lose her? I don’t know what I would do.” I hated admitting this to anyone, but Lottie was different. I could tell her anything.

“Okay, you need to slow your roll and calm the fuck down. You’re going worst case scenario when you should be prancing around holding hands,” she said.

“Prancing? Really?”

“Shut up, you know what I meant. I’m scared of how much I care about her and what it would do to me if something happened.”

“Seriously, calm the fuck down.” Her voice came through the phone and behind me at the same time. That was why she was walking so fast.

“William,” she said, putting her hands on her hips as I hung up. “You have to stop being so insecure. You were never like this with any other girl.”

“She’s not any other girl.” She took my arm and we started walking back toward my room.

“I know, I know. You act like you’re the first person to ever fall in love. Do you remember what I was like with Zan? What I’m still like? Love is the scariest fucking thing you’ll ever do. That’s what makes it worth it.”

I wanted to respond, but I couldn’t think of what to say.

“I know, but this just feels different. I’ve never cared this much about anything.” She cleared her throat.

“Well, yeah, that’s a given. I mean, I didn’t choose to love her any more than I chose to be your twin, so it’s a similar thing, I guess.”

“What would you do if you lost me?” I never should have called her. Our conversation had gone to a dark place that I preferred not to think about.

“Don’t even say that, Lot. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

“Then you shouldn’t have called me, dumbass. You’re going to be fine. You’re happy, I’m happy. This is the first time that’s happened in a while, and we should enjoy it. You’re not going to go Darth if you and Aud break up. I wouldn’t let it happen.”

“Not if I got to you first and annihilated you with my Stormtrooper army.”

She rolled her eyes and scoffed.

“Have you ever noticed that those guys have terrible aim? They never hit anything. I’m not worried. I could take your army.”

“Whatever,” I said.

“Why didn’t you want the boyfriend to drive you?” Trish said as soon as we’d turned the corner and Will had vanished from view. I heaved a little sigh of relief. I’d lied to him about the reason for going home, but he’d swallowed it because he thought that we had no secrets now. It would be even easier to make him believe what I needed him to believe.

“It wouldn’t have anything to do with the big secret you had a breakdown about, would it?”

“Look, I really don’t want to talk about this. I picked you to drive me because I thought you’d be all grumpy and wouldn’t want to talk, or you’d accept that I didn’t want to talk about it.”

She shrugged one shoulder.

“Well, now I’m curious. You’re not being yourself and I don’t get what could be so bad that that boy, who is crazy about you, wouldn’t be able to stomach.”

I looked out the window. Maine was still in the grips of winter, but this year it had been mild. We’d only had a few snowstorms, and it was looking like spring would come early this year. I was looking forward to it.

“I’m not going to tell you, Trish. So stop trying.” I snapped at her and she whistled in surprise.

“I knew that you had a sassy side to you. I’ve been waiting for it to come out.” She smiled at me. “You’re just a bitch like the rest of us.”

“I’m not a bitch.”

“Sure you are. Be proud of it.” I shook my head and went back to staring out the window.

“Thank you again for doing this for me. I really appreciate it. I can give you gas money or whatever.”

Trish shook her head and turned on the radio to something loud and raucous.

“Don’t worry about it. Friends don’t bother to pay each other back because you know that it will all even out in the end. I’ll do something for you, you’ll do something for me and then we’ll be even.” For a girl who seemed to have terrible social skills, Trish knew a lot about how relationships worked.

“Well, I still feel weird about not giving you gas money.”

“Okay, okay. We can stop somewhere and you can buy me something to eat. Deal?”

“Deal.”

Trish didn’t say anything else about my reasons for going home the entire ride. I kept giving her directions, but my house wasn’t that hard to find.

“This is pretty nice,” she said when we pulled down my street. Most of the houses were relatively new, and built right next to each other, with square lawns in front. Everyone seemed to compete with each other in the summer to prove who had the greenest and best-kept lawn.

“Yeah, I guess.” Something in the pit of my stomach had congealed and gotten heavier the closer we’d gotten to my house. I was dreading the conversation with my mother, and then the drive tomorrow to the hospital to get the bone marrow test. It was a lot easier to manage now than it used to be, but I was still freaking out.

I didn’t want to see Maria. Seeing her just made me think of that terrible day when my daughter was born.

Maybe I wouldn’t have to see her. Maybe I could just go to the hospital, my parents would bring me home and then I could pay my brother to take me back to campus early.

“This is it,” I said to Trish, pointing at my house. “You can just pull over here.” She nodded and stopped the car. I didn’t bring much home with me, so I grabbed my purse from its place on the floor.

“You call me if you need anything. I know what it’s like to have a shitty family, but I had my brother to take care of me. I just want you to know that there’s someone here for you. And if you ever tell anyone that we had this talk, I will hurt you.” She fiddled in the glove box and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. I didn’t tell her that she wasn’t supposed to be smoking. She and Stryker had quit, but I definitely still caught them lighting up every now and then.

“I will. Thanks, Trish.” I got out and she honked a few times before she drove away and I turned to face the house.

I’d only been Audrey-free for a few hours and I was miserable as fuck. We had dinner at Katie and Stryker’s and Lottie was doing her best to cheer me up by making fun of me and trying to piss me off by insulting Star Wars.

Normally, that would have worked, but right now, I felt awful.

“I know what it’s like,” Stryker said, coming over and sitting next to me on the couch. “It’s like part of yourself is missing and you don’t know it’s gone until they take it with them.” His eyes followed Katie as she walked around the room. I didn’t think he was aware that he was doing it.

“Agreed,” I said. “I think I need a drink.”

“That I can help you with,” he said, getting up and going to the fridge. We mostly kept our drinking activities to a minimum, sensitive to how alcohol had affected Zan and Lottie’s life. Stryker tossed me a can of Bud Light and got one for himself.

“Cheers,” he said and we both popped our cans open, sucking up the foam that almost spilled onto the floor.

“William!” Lottie yelled from across the room.

“It’s just one, Lot. Calm the fuck down.” She glared but didn’t make any other comments. But in the back of my mind, what had happened to her best friend, Lexie, hovered. A constant reminder of how quickly life can change. In the blink of an eye.

“Wait until you move in with her,” Stryker said, shaking his head and leaning back in his chair. “You’d think it would be annoying, having her around all the time, but then she’s gone for a few hours and you realize that you miss her.” Stryker somehow made talking about his feelings for Katie sound poetic.

“I don’t think we’re ready for that step yet. We’ve only been together for a week or so.” He shrugged again.

“That doesn’t matter. When you know, you know. No sense in waiting.”

“Waiting for what?” Katie said, coming over and sitting on the arm of Stryker’s chair.

“Waiting to move in. I was giving Will advice.” This time Katie rolled her eyes.

“Advice on what? You give terrible advice.” She had a smirk on her face and I knew she was baiting him.

“You are asking for it, sweetheart.”

“You can punish me later,” she said, running her hand through his hair. He’d stopped spiking it so much and had let it flop in his eyes. Probably just so Katie would reach up and push it away. I totally understood that.

“That’s another upside of living with a girl. The sex,” Stryker said, which earned him a smack in the chest from Katie.

The sex. That was definitely an incentive to move in, but we pretty much had the sex covered, even though we didn’t live together. It would be nice if we had just one place where we could be completely alone. Those dorm walls were so thin and there were always people in the hallways. I wanted to take Aud to a place where it was just the two of us. A cabin in the woods, or a yurt on an island, or somewhere isolated. We could pretend that we were the only two people on the planet.

God, I missed her.

My parents barely spoke to me when I walked in the door and the silence continued on into the next morning. Dad had to deal with something at the restaurant, so Mom was the one who was in charge of taking me to the hospital.

I was walking down the hall to the bathroom, and I passed my parents’ room where she was talking on the phone. I didn’t have to listen for more than a few seconds to know who she was talking to. I put my head down and walked as fast as I could past her.

“If you’re not a match, you’ll have to find that boy you slept with,” she said after a few minutes of driving in silence. I jumped at the sound of her voice. She just stared through the windshield, determined not to make eye contact with me, even though she had to talk to me.