Slide (35 page)

The obvious answer came crashing down.

It was time that I left New York…

CHAPTER 32

Saying goodbye to New York wasn’t the hardest part. It was letting Ryan leave my apartment, knowing in my mind that it was probably the last time I was ever going to see or speak to him again, that hurt the most.

I didn’t have the courage to tell him about my plans nor could I find it in myself to tell him that he was going to become a ‘real’ father. Instead, I kissed the man I loved one last time and watched him slip away with his head down after I’d told him that I needed time alone to process everything. I also let him think that once I’d made my decision I’d let him know, but that was a lie. Instead, the next day I informed my brother and Derek of my plans to move back to Cali and two days later, I was all packed up and boarding my flight.

****

Two months passed by without any word from Ryan. Perhaps he knew I was never going to make that call or perhaps he’d simply moved on and had gone back to the way he was before we’d met. Although that’s what I initially wanted and hoped for, it didn’t stop me from thinking about him; what he was doing, where he was going, whether he was thinking of me as well… His image found his way into my thoughts constantly and at night I’d often find myself hugging the pillow tight, wishing it were his body I was snuggled up to. But no matter how hard I tried to stop, there was no denying how much I missed him, even though my life in Cali was great.

My Gran and Pop were very supportive of the pregnancy and made sure I was getting plenty of rest and eating well, while my two cousins were perfect company. I was surprised that they also took to the pregnancy well and that twenty year old, Hunter stepped up and took on a protective male figure, while his twin sister, Willah, provided boundless entertainment for everyone with her over enthusiasm for baby shopping. Every day there’d be new tiny clothes or toys waiting for me on the table at my house.

Another person I never expected to have such a huge impact on my life was Hawke. We’d become great friends over the past few weeks after he made a surprise visit while having time off to nurse a minor injury. Unfortunately, a friendship was as far as it went.

While we both had strong feelings for each other, in the end we both found it easier to be friends. It was clear Ryan was still on my mind and I was certainly pregnant with his child. Agreeing to have someone else’s baby was a huge commitment that Hawke was willing to make, but it was me who made the final decision. Hawke meant a lot to me but allowing him to sacrifice everything, including his career, was not one I was willing to make, and I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I took that all away from him. His life wasn’t here; it was back in Florida, playing football and someday meeting a wonderful girl to start his own family.

Hawke came back regularly for short visits though, which I looked forward to.

Life was definitely much simpler being back in Newport Beach. I had wonderful family around me, I could leave my house without being hounded by press or curious eyes, and the residents were much friendlier. And because of all the extra money I now had but didn’t need, I decided to focus on a new project: building proper housing and providing clean water facilities to poverty stricken communities all over the world. It was a lot of hard work trying to put together a great team and it kept me very busy, but knowing that I was following in my family’s footsteps and helping the less fortunate made it a worthwhile experience. I just couldn’t wait until I was able to visit the places we’d helped to rebuild.

****

Just when I thought I was finally moving forward in my life, the past found a way to jump right back out to bite me after I found a concealed envelope buried right down in the bottom of one of my handbags. I recognized it immediately.

I stared at the envelope that I held tightly in my hands. The one that contained the letter my father wrote to me before he passed away. The very one I hadn’t had the courage to read and then forgot all about. My heart thumped heavily inside my chest as my mind filled with hundreds of questions. What if I didn’t like what I read? What if my father had another secret he was about to reveal? What if his words left me even more heartbroken?
No!
I had to stop doing this to myself. I had gone through so much in my life, why couldn’t I read a simple letter?

With a deep breath, I opened the envelope. Taking the letter in my sweat-coated fingers, I began to read.

My dear sweet, Evangeline,

If you are holding this letter in your hands, it means I am too late and have already left this world a true coward, one who was not able to confront his biggest fear.

There are no words to make up for the pain I caused you and you have every reason to tear this letter up once you’ve finished reading it so that you never have to see it again. Just let me try to give you an explanation for doing what I did, it is the least I can do.

My beautiful child, the day you came into this world was truly one of the happiest moments of my life. I remember the day as if it were yesterday. When the doctor pulled you out and you took your first gulp of air you screamed so loud. It was hard to believe that such a tiny thing could make such a noise. You continued to cry right up until you were wrapped in a blanket and placed in my arms, then suddenly you stopped. You opened your big, bright eyes and looked up at me without so much as another peep. My heart swelled with so much love that I was sure it would explode. You were so perfect, my angel. You had your mother’s looks and I knew from that moment your brothers and I were going to have a difficult time keeping the boys away.

The nurses let me hold you until you quietly fell asleep in my arms, even then I was reluctant to hand you over. It took a certain type of look from your mother that I finally gave in. That woman could make me do anything.

I remember that our first family holiday to St Bart’s had me thinking to myself how perfect my life was. I had to be the luckiest guy in the world to be blessed with such a wonderful family: a loving wife, two boisterous sons and a beautiful daughter. As I sat on the beach watching you in your frilly pink swimmers, trying to scoop up sand, with your spade, into your bucket, your mother kneeling beside you, and your two brothers chasing each other around with washed-up seaweed, I knew I was right.

The day Mom and Alexander were taken away from us was the last day I truly saw happiness. Darkness filled my heart and I allowed myself to be consumed by it. I’d lost my wife, my best friend and the mother of my children. Karoline was all those things and much more; and as if were not enough, I’d also lost my first-born. Father’s are not meant to see their children leave the world before them. We aren’t meant to say goodbye that way.

I locked myself away for days after that. I didn’t eat, I cried myself to sleep almost every night for weeks on end and worst of all, I shut my own children out. I couldn’t stand visiting the hospital, seeing you lying there with tubes all over your small, fragile body. It pained me to look at you because I was reminded of what I’d lost. All I ever saw when I looked into your eyes was her face and I grew resentful.

Once you were free to leave the hospital, I called your grandma and grandfather to take both you and Connor back to California with them. I knew it was the right thing to do; I wasn’t in the right state of mind to raise two young children on my own while overcoming grief and trying to control a business. I truly believed that you were going to be much happier with them and that they could take better care of you both. I planned on visiting when I was well enough again… Only in the end I couldn’t find the strength.

The weeks stretched into months and then months turned to years. Before I knew it, Connor was eighteen and ready to make the move back to New York and take over the business.

I was inside the limo the day your brother left. You were in the yard with the twins and I watched on while you had a hand on your hip and a finger pointed at Hunter, scolding him for something he’d done. He looked terrified of you. I remember smiling to myself, thinking that you were all grown up and that you were the mirror image of your mother, from the brown hair, the long legs, right down to your sassy attitude.

Connor mentioned you in almost every conversation but to see you there with my own eyes… You don’t understand how much I wanted to jump out of the car and wrap my arms around you. I wanted to apologize for being a terrible father, for not being there for you, for missing out on your birthdays, but how could I tell my angel that it was because her father was a coward?

I thought shutting you out would lessen the pain but after seeing you that day, I knew in my heart it was an impossible task. You looked so happy and with your grandparents love I thought that would be enough for you to forget but I was wrong again.

As I write this letter I think back to myself: if I had the chance to reiterate the past, I would do so in a heartbeat. I’d lost my wife and a child but I never saw the miracle, which was that you’d survived. I should have shown my two remaining children all the love and support they needed because they’d also lost their mother and brother that day, instead of running away and realizing it was the wrong thing to do before it was too late.

I want you to know there wasn’t a single day that went by where I didn’t think of you, my angel. I even had a special photo of you in my top drawer that I would pull out on the days I missed my family the most. And although I wasn’t strong enough to say the words, please never forget that I never stopped loving you and know that I’m proud of the woman you’ve become. If I could just pass on one advice, it would be this: open your heart again, my angel. Let yourself love. Don’t shut it away or you’ll live a life filled with loneliness and regrets just as I did. Someday you’ll meet someone but the fear of your past will always be there. Don’t be afraid, the right person will understand and their love will only strengthen you. Am I worried you’ll meet the wrong person? No. You are a Montgomery and a Sinclair; I know you’ll make the right decision.

I’ll always be watching over you.

I love you,

Daddy.

A tear fell just as I finished the last word. With a shaky hand, I wiped it away. Thoughts raced around my mind at a ridiculous speed that I’d almost lost my footing. Luckily, I reached out and caught the cabinet just in time before my body came crashing down.

The letter changed everything. It answered questions, but opened so many more that left me feeling angry and confused. Why didn’t my father have enough courage to confront his own daughter? Didn’t he understand that I was also hurting? Didn’t he ever realize how much I needed him to be there for me?

I suddenly found myself thinking about Ryan. Wasn’t I doing the exact same thing to him? I’d left New York because I couldn’t handle the pressure going on around me. I’d just packed up and left without telling him or giving him a reason, and the worst part about it was that I hadn’t had the courage to tell him about his child.
Oh God,
I’d turned out to be my father…

“Everything okay, cousin?” A male voice called out from behind me.

Straightening myself, I let go of the cabinet and turned to see Hunter leaning against the doorway dressed in his typical surfing attire with his arms crossed at his chest. I folded the letter in half and gave him a half-hearted smile before nodding.

Hunter seemed to look as though he wanted to say something but then decided against it. I was relieved that he didn’t because I wasn’t ready to talk about anything yet.

Nervously tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, I cleared my throat and asked, “Ready to go?”

“Huh?”

“Let me guess, you’ve forgotten. I figured as much,” I said teasingly, in an attempt to cover up the nerves. “We had lunch plans, remember? Or have you decided to ditch me for the waves again?”

Hunter chuckled, pushing himself off the doorway. With a mock look of shock he said, “I’d never dare.”

“Good.”

“I did however forget, so I arranged plans to meet up with the boys.”

“Hunter!” I scowled.

Hunter let out a laugh. “Well, what about your huge quarterback boyfriend? Surely he will go with you? Where is he?”

I threw him an irritated glare. “Hawke happens to be a good friend of mine, thank you. And unlike you he is busy with his professional football career.” I stalked past him and headed down the hall. I could hear his annoying laughter right behind me so I purposely sped up.

“Whoa, slow down, lady.” Hunter grabbed my arm and spun me around to face him before letting go. He was biting his lips, holding back a laugh.

In my stubbornness, I took a step back, crossed my arms, raised my chin and threw him the most irritated look I could muster. “Why? It is clear you have better things to do than to spend time with me.”

“And it is
clear
women lose their sense of humor when they are pregnant.” That shut me up.