Skinny Bitch in the Kitch

Table of Contents

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“A funny, foul-mouthed ode to adopting a vegan diet.”

—Dwight Garner,
New York Times Book Review

 

“The authors are brazen . . . They’re not trying to win popularity contests . . . they just want healthy people.”

—Associated Press News Syndicate

 

“Ready to jump-start [the year] with an electric prod to the system?. . . They tell it like it is, and without delicacy.”

—
Chicago Sun Times

 

“There’s more solid advice in
Skinny Bitch
than in most diet and health books.”

—
Bitch Magazine

 

“By no means for the faint hearted . . . this is as hard hitting as it comes!”

—
Hot Stars
(UK)

 

“This diet book doesn’t sugar-coat what you have to do to lose weight.”

—
Grazia

 

“It made me laugh . . .”

—
Marie Claire UK

 

“Sensible advice . . .”

—
Health & Fitness UK

 

“ . . . an absolutely hilarious read . . . refreshingly in-your-face funny. . . . What are you waiting for, you moron? Go buy this book!”

—
Florida Today

 

“What makes this diet easy to swallow is the book’s tough-love attitude—part best-friend counsel, part drill-sergeant abuse and a dash of sailor mouth, wrapped in a pretty chick-lit package.”

—iVillage, Diet & Fitness

 

 

Jill Hough, we cannot imagine what this book would be without your passion, dedication, and culinary brilliance. Thank you! Talia Cohen, Jennifer Kasius, Amanda Richmond, Seta Bedrossian Zink, Craig Herman, and Victoria Gilder: For your ceaseless support and enthusiasm and for everything you do (including the things you do that we’ll never even know about), we express our sincerest gratitude. Really. We are so thankful for each of you. For creating the perfect
Skinny Bitch
, we will forever be indebted to you, Margarete Gockel. Chloe Jo Berman, Talia Berman, Karen Coyne, Meri Freedman, Bruce Friedrich, Jessica Jonas, Dave and Linda Middlesworth, Jack Norris, Steve Perron, Gretchen Ryan, Lauren and Tracy Silverman, and everyone at VTM: Your commitment and generosity leave us in awe. And to everyone at Laura Dail Literary Agency, Perseus Books, and Running Press: We humbly thank each of you for being part of the collective that makes this all possible. We don’t take any of you for granted.

For our friends and families, who make the whole journey a joy—we couldn’t ask for more.

What’s better than eating? (If you say “sex,” you’re either a liar or a pervert.) The answer is: Nothing! There’s nothing better than eating! We’re total pigs and eating is, without a doubt, our favorite thing to do. We love eating so much, it makes us mad. We have, like, a violent passion for food. When we go out to eat, if something we order is really good, we talk about killing the chef. Or our pets. Or ourselves. Good food makes us want to die ... you know, like that expression, “... to die for.” But ironically, we also care about our health.

It was these two things—our obsessive passion for food and our concern for health—that led us to write
Skinny Bitch
. If you haven’t read
Skinny Bitch
yet, get your head out of your ass and go buy a copy. It will change your life. Seriously. Don’t be fooled by the title; it’s not some dumb, fluffy, weight-loss book. It’s a comprehensive guide on how to eat well
and
enjoy food. But it’s also a well-researched exposé documenting the shady business surrounding what we eat.

Much of what we learned while researching
Skinny Bitch
blew our minds. So we’ve made it our personal mission to share this information. We wanted to reprint
Skinny Bitch
in its entirety right here in the introduction, but our whore publisher wouldn’t let us. So we’re gonna give you the Cliff Notes . . .

Hmm . . . dead, rotting, decomposing flesh of carcasses. Doesn’t sound like something you’d want to eat, huh? Not to mention the pesticides, hormones, steroids, and antibiotics. Oops! We almost forgot mad cow disease, bird flu, salmonella, E. coli, trichinosis, and mercury. Well, no wonder Americans are suffering from obesity; cancer; liver, kidney, lung, and reproductive disorders; birth defects; miscarriages; and nervous system disorders.

You can call it steak, tuna, bacon, or chicken. No matter how you slice it, it’s a piece of decaying, decomposing carcass. We know you like the taste, but there are other foods out there that mimic the flavor and texture of meat but don’t come with the same side effects. Smarten up, bitches.

Got osteoporosis? Researchers at Harvard, Yale, Penn State, and the National Institutes of Health have studied the effects of dairy intake on bones. Not one of these studies found dairy to be a deterrent to osteoporosis. On the contrary, a study funded by the National Dairy Council itself revealed that the high protein content of milk actually leaches calcium from the body. These findings are consistent with many others that blame milk not only for osteoporosis, but also acne, anemia, anxiety, ADD, allergies, asthma, obesity, heart disease, diabetes, autism, and multiple cancers.

Just like human milk is for baby humans, cows’ milk is for baby cows. We’re the only species on the planet that drinks the milk of another
species. We’re also the only species on the planet that drinks milk as adults. It’s not only gross, it’s creepy. We’ve been totally duped by the dairy industry and their hundreds of millions of advertising dollars. And now we’re totally addicted to their disease-causing products.

There’s no need for any of them. It’s the new millennium. There are so many awesome alternatives to dairy products. Get with the program, bitches.