Skinny (8 page)

Lindsey hugged her. “Whoo!”

Jill walked by, gave a distinctly fake yawn, and pulled out her cell phone.

“I’m starving! Let’s get something to eat.” Lindsey motioned to the concession stand.

Melissa glimpsed her reflection in the sparkling glass of the trophy case as they walked past. She looked distorted and wide. Lindsey looked tiny and shiny.

“I’ll come,” Melissa said, “but I’m saving room for pizza and brownies.”

“Oh, yeah.” Lindsey wiped sweat from her forehead with her hand. “Let’s just get a soda and find everyone.”

Melissa was riveted to the action on the court while her friends gossiped about whether Princess Kate was pregnant again or not and discussed what kinds of brownies were their favorite.

“The fudgier and gooier the better,” Emma offered, “but they go straight to my thighs.” She slapped her jeans where they pulled taught around the tops of her legs.

“Well, we’re making them with chocolate chips and frosting.” Raven licked her lips.

Beau made a three-pointer. Melissa shot to her feet and cheered. The rest of the girls stood and cheered too.

“Why are we clapping?” Gracie whispered in Melissa’s ear.

“Beau scored,” Melissa whispered back.

“What’s with you two anyway?” Gracie asked as they sat back down.

“Nothing much. We’ve both been so busy with basketball and officer tryouts and school and everything. You know, he’s great. He’s really great. But, it’s nothing. Ya know?” Melissa smiled.

“Yeah, I know how
nothing
it is!” Gracie shook her head and rolled her eyes. “We’ll talk later.”

After the game the girls walked across the parking lot to Raven’s parents’ van where Raven’s brother, Randy, already waited.

“Mel, wait up,” Beau called from behind.

Melissa turned around. Beau jogged toward her and stepped up on the concrete bike rack.

“Great game,” she managed.

“Thanks.”

She waited. Would he ask her out for tomorrow?

Beau lowered his head. “There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

Lindsey winked at Melissa.

“Let’s head to the van, gals,” Gracie chirped.

Raven led the way.

“Hey, ladies, want a lift?” Randy called from the van window.

“Don’t take too long, lovebirds.” Emma elbowed Beau on her way past.

“What’s up?” Melissa’s heart raced. She sensed something was wrong. She didn’t want to hear what he was going to say yet at the same time was riveted to every Southern syllable that came out of his mouth.

“Like I said in the hall, I . . . I . . . I’m just sorry I haven’t called. I really am.” Beau ruffled his hair with his right hand. “I just have so much homework and Coach is on me all the time.” He looked up from the metal rungs used to lock bikes and met her forced smile. “I really like you, Mel.”

Something
was
wrong. Melissa felt a queer shiver like when she ate ice cream too fast.

“I really like you, too.” She willed her hands to stay at her sides so she couldn’t bite her nails.

“But, well, with basketball and having to make grades and everything . . . well, Mom and Dad think I shouldn’t date right now.” Beau spoke to the ground.

He meant date
her
. At least he could look her in the eyes. Melissa felt like someone was stabbing her heart. An ache deep and sharp hit her chest. She couldn’t breathe.

Beep, beep.

Raven’s van pulled up alongside them.

“Looks like you’re wanted.” Beau nodded toward the van.

“Yeah, a slumber party at Rave’s.” Melissa bit her lip to hold back tears.

“Sounds dangerous.” Beau laughed a hollow laugh. “Have fun with your friends.”

“Always.” Melissa turned and yanked the van’s door open. What she wanted to say but couldn’t was, “I’d rather be with you.” That was one of the things. But there were so many more.

Her throat burned. Her heart felt like a balloon ready to pop out of her chest. Her eyes ached as she strained not to cry. As she pulled the door shut, Beau waved from the parking lot. “Melissa, I’m sorry.” His voice lingered as the door slammed.

How could he end it like that?

“What was that all about?” Gracie rested her French-manicured fingers on Melissa’s thigh.

Melissa shook her head back and forth. She couldn’t speak. The corners of her eyes boiled with tears.

“Gracie, pass me that CD,” Emma boomed, reaching her arm in front of Melissa’s face.

Tears slid silently. Melissa hoped it was dark enough in the backseat that no one could see. She was embarrassed. What would her friends think if they knew Beau had broken up with her? If she wasn’t good enough for him, she probably wasn’t good enough for them either. Squished on both sides by warm bodies and surrounded by the boom of her favorite companion, music, Melissa couldn’t remember feeling more alone.

M
elissa pushed her angst way down inside of her. She stomped on her pain and decided to live it up. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d gotten crazy and pigged out with her friends. She wanted to ignore the pit in her stomach.

She gobbled handfuls of chocolate chips while baking brownies with her friends. She laughed at Gracie’s story about how her brother, Tanner, had started shaving and had held the razor the wrong way. She scarfed down three pieces of Papa Paulo’s pepperoni. Melissa couldn’t remember being this famished. She had become so regimented with her diet that she ate what she was supposed to eat when she was supposed to eat it, according to her rules, without regard to hunger. But now she felt completely empty, like there wasn’t enough food to fill her hollow void.

She jammed to the new One Republic song Raven had put on and gobbled four brownies still warm from the oven.

She was almost feeling normal again until she went to the bathroom. The girl she saw in the mirror was ugly. She was hurt. She was sad. Maybe it was Beau’s parents, but maybe this was his way of dumping her gently. Did he want his pin back? He hadn’t asked for it. He hadn’t exactly explained what he meant by “shouldn’t date right now” either. They didn’t actually go on lots of dates.

Melissa tried to think about something she was in control of—something good.

Dance team? Captain audition practices were a disaster. Jill was evil.

School? It was a drain. Her workload was overwhelming, and she still hadn’t pulled up her Chemistry grade.

Why had she eaten so much? As if devouring a lot of junk was going to make her feel better. Now she only felt worse. Melissa touched her stomach. It seemed to expand like a loaf of bread dough set out to rise.

She wished she could get rid of all the disgusting feelings inside of her. She wanted to get rid of the stress and the uncertainty. She wanted to undo whatever had caused things to go wrong with Beau. She wanted to take back all of the pizza and brownies.

Before she knew what she was doing, Melissa kneeled on the fuzzy periwinkle bath mat in Raven’s bathroom. She reached behind her and looped the end of her ponytail into her ponytail holder, creating a bun. She examined the index and middle fingers of her right hand as they formed a peace sign. Her fingernails, jagged from biting, scratched the back of her throat.

“Agh,” she gasped, squeezing her eyes shut.

She couldn’t stop now.

She jammed her fingers down her throat farther.

Cuugghkk!
She coughed, expelling her fingers, which were hot and moist. She hoped her friends couldn’t hear her, hoped the music was loud enough to drown this out.

Again, Melissa leaned over. This time a hot gush filled her throat, sweet and sour and acidic. She removed her fingers and peeked in the toilet. Not a lot, but at least she had gotten rid of something.

Her eyes watered.

Melissa leaned back, disappointed. She had hoped to feel more triumphant, more in control, but she couldn’t even make herself puke very well.

Then a surge rose in her throat. This time she couldn’t control the hot mucousy bile. It overflowed out of her mouth and through her nose like the baking soda mixture out of her volcano science experiment in third grade.

The gagging made her eyes water, and her mascara smeared down her cheeks. Her fingers were covered with thick brown goop. She inhaled. She had to clean herself up. No one could know what she had done.

Like a robot, Melissa stood and turned the left faucet knob on high. She grabbed a wad of toilet paper and blew the remaining goo from her nose. She squirted a silver dollar–size dollop of soap in her left palm and began to lather with the hot water. She scrubbed her hands and arms up to her elbows. Then she scrubbed her face, erasing all traces of tears and vomit.

God, please don’t let them know. Please don’t let my friends know what I just did. Please make them still like me. I need someone to like me.

She smelled her hands. They smelled like the piña colada soap Mrs. Mack stocked in all the soap dispensers. That smell always made her think of Raven. She loosened her hair and let it fall down on her shoulders. She took a deep breath. She was ready, but she was sure her breath smelled like vomit.

Melissa meandered past the kitchen counter, where she grabbed a stick of gum from her purse and popped it in her mouth. The sharp taste of artificial sweetener almost made her gag again, but she knew the mint would help overpower the scent of her sin.

“Yeah, what’s wrong with her anyway?” Emma’s voice stung Melissa’s ears.

“Things did
not
look good with Beau,” Lindsey said. “I think she needs eyeliner and maybe a fitted sweater. She needs to make him want her.”

“Give her a break, guys.” Gracie’s words hung in the air as the girls sensed Melissa’s return. The sudden hush from her friends affirmed the “her” they were talking about. She bit her lip and forced a smile.

“Lindsey, I was hoping you could give me one of your famous makeovers.” Melissa winked, pretending she hadn’t heard them. “I figured I needed to wash away the old me so you could create a beauty queen.”

Lindsey squealed with delight and pulled out her makeup kit.

“I’ve been dying to, Yellow.”

Melissa flopped down onto the couch and chomped her gum. “I’m all yours, Linds.”

“Well, which one?” Lindsey squeaked, holding up two eyeliners.

“Oh, whatever, how about blue?”

“How daring of you, Melissa. You’re normally a more conservative girl.” Lindsey grinned giddily.

“Wow!” Emma said, dropping cross-legged on the floor next to them. “Melissa, you look totally like a vixen. You’ll have to do me next, Linds. Can you make me a size eight?”

Raven came in with a bowl of popcorn.

“Who’s ready for the movie?”

“Roll ’em!” Emma shouted.

Gracie leaned over to Melissa and whispered, “Are you okay, sweetie?”

Melissa couldn’t mask her mood for Gracie. They’d known each other for too long. They’d learned how to ride bikes together and compared treasures from the tooth fairy. They bought their first training bras together and went away to church camp together, able to leave home for a week only because they had each other.

“It’s Beau. I’ll tell you later.” Melissa squeezed Gracie’s hand. Gracie was such a perfect friend, even if everyone else was talking behind her back. She didn’t blame them. She hadn’t been completely honest with them. Maybe if she confided in her friends they wouldn’t think she was such a case. Maybe they could even help. Maybe her life wasn’t a disaster. She had Gracie, and the others cared enough to include her in everything.

Melissa managed a “Let’s see it, Raven.” See, she was okay. She had let Lindsey make her over. She would not eat any popcorn. She would laugh tonight, and tomorrow she’d have officer training. She would work out really hard to make up for any junk left inside.

Yeah, she was okay.

“M
elissa, Melissa.” Melissa felt like she was on a swing, swaying back and forth, back and forth. She wondered who was calling her.

She opened her eyes. The blurry outline of Mrs. Mack came into focus. Melissa sat up straight.

“Sorry to wake you, honey,” Raven’s mom whispered. “Your mom’s here to take you to practice.”

“Thanks.” Melissa yawned, stretching her arms fully into the air. She knew she had to move. What kind of captain would be late?

She pulled herself up, trying hard not to disturb her slumbering friends. She quickly and quietly rolled up her sleeping bag, stuffed her pillow inside the straps, and headed up the basement stairs in the purple XXL T-shirt from her church retreat that hung down to her shins.

“Good morning, honey,” Mom called from the kitchen.

Melissa walked over and gave her a peck. She dropped her bed bundle beside Mom, who sipped coffee out of an orange ceramic mug with Mrs. Mack.

“I’ll be a minute, Mom. I just need to brush my teeth and stuff.” Melissa fought back another yawn.

“I’d let you use the upstairs bathroom, but Randy’s asleep up there. Do you mind using the one in the hall?” Mrs. Mack asked.

“No problem.”

Melissa pulled back her thick brown tresses into a ponytail. She scrubbed her face with soap and cold water and brushed her teeth. After putting on a thin coat of brown mascara, she dabbed on cherry-flavored lip gloss. The sweet taste made her tongue tingle. She pulled on her workout clothes and rushed out of the bathroom.

“Can I get you something to eat, sweetie?” Mrs. Mack asked from the counter.

“Sure,” Melissa answered, pulling on her letter jacket. “Maybe a bagel and a banana, if you have it?”

“Well, I don’t have a bagel, but I bought donuts this morning.” She motioned toward the white box on the counter.

“Yummy,” Melissa said and opened the cardboard lid. Inside glazed, chocolate-iced, and sugar-sprinkled donuts tempted her. A squirt of sour bile shot into her mouth. “I’ll just grab one for the road.” She could barely look as she grabbed a bagel-shaped glazed donut and wrapped it in a napkin. Her stomach flip-flopped. She was afraid she was going to throw up again.

“Thanks for everything, Mrs. Mack. I had a great time.” Melissa hugged her hostess. “Tell Raven I’ll call her later.”