Skeletons of Us (Unquiet Mind Book 2) (27 page)

He watched the pieces scatter around the floor in shock. I kept my blank face on his. He finally brought his tortured gaze back up to mine.

I looked to the ground, to the shards. “I’m sorry,” I addressed them. I looked back up to Killian. “Look, I apologized. Just like you did.”

“Lexie,” he ground out, understanding and pain mixing on his beautiful face.

“I apologized,” I continued, ignoring him. “It’s still shattered. Nothing’s changed. It’s still broken. It’ll never be repaired.” I blinked away the tears that came with the broken edge to my voice. “So thank you for your apology, Killian. But it doesn’t mean a
fucking thing
after you’ve shattered me into a million pieces. It’s sure as shit not going to change anything. Words can’t act like glue to perform some kind of reverse lobotomy. So don’t waste your breath,” I instructed. Then I didn’t wait. Didn’t let the utter agony on his face penetrate as I turned on my heel and walked out of the room, the broken china crunching underneath my boots as I did so.

I wished I could rise above, and let the mantras of my morning yoga become a true part of me, practice love and light and forgiveness as I thought was the best thing a human could do.

Forgive.

I wished I could do that. Forgive him for everything he did to make me the person I was, maybe even take some of the responsibility of the hurt for myself. I wanted to do that, to let go of this anger that was slowly consuming me. But I couldn’t. Because if I let go of that anger that spilled over in his presence, only sorrow remained, the broken skeleton that remained of my soul. Without anger to hide behind, that’s what he’d see. I’d most likely collapse under the weight of that sorrow.

He watched her tiny form retreat and every nerve ending in his body screamed in protest as he held himself stock-still. He wanted to go after her, chase her down, and bring her into his arms and never fucking let her go.

It was a physical hurt not doing that.

But he couldn’t. He saw it in her eyes, in the words drenched in pain that she’d yanked out of her soul. If he didn’t give her space now, he’d have no chance at all.

So he didn’t move. Though the stillness was torture, he stayed like that long after her door slammed and the huge house settled into silence.

The house settled into silence, his mind didn’t. Her words reverberated through his skull and rattled it so pain erupted at the edges of his temples. The melody of that song was on replay in his mind. He imagined it might be there for the rest of his life.

That and the sounds of her hitched breath as she clenched around him when he’d fucked her against that wall. As he’d come home. That’s what she was. She was home. But she was damaged, that was fucking clear. Not just from him, though that was a huge chunk of it. Events from the past still haunted her. The ghosts of Steve and Ava lingered, as did the demon of her father. Add onto that all the shit she was going through with her stalker and you got this beautiful, broken girl who had laid that beautiful, broken soul bare to thousands of people earlier tonight. Who had laid it at his feet.

He planned to repair it. He’d make sure of that.

But for that he needed patience. And as much as it caused him physical pain to leave her to her own despair, especially after he’d finally tasted the sweetness of coming home in her, he did it.

He spent the rest of the never-ending night chain smoking and staring out at the waves.

Sometime in the early hours of the morning, a presence joined him. He prayed it was Lexie coming to him, but he knew it wasn’t. He could sense her presence, as fucked up as it was. When the other half of you was around, you knew it.

Noah stood beside him, staring at the waves.

“You gonna give me one of those?” He nodded to the smoke in Killian’s hands.

Surprised, Killian reached to his pocket to hand him one and the lighter. Noah lit it wordlessly.

This was the first time Noah was in his presence voluntarily and hadn’t threatened murder.

They both stared at the sea for an indeterminate amount of time. Noah finally broke the silence.

“You see now, after that song, how deep her hurt goes?”

Killian flinched and nodded.

Noah took another drag. “Know why you did it. Why you created that being that you saw tonight. Know that you did it ’cause you thought you were doing what was best for her.”

Killian glanced at him. “It was what was best.”

Noah met his eyes. “What you saw tonight, you think that’s best? You think that’s better than what you could have given her?” his voice rattled with fury.

Killian’s jaw hardened. “She’s born to do this, you know that.”

“Girl like that, she’s born to have a beautiful life full of happiness and laughter, not what she’s had. Not have to breathe and not actually live. Smile but not actually be happy. Not to live broken.”

Killian ground his teeth. “Yeah. I fuckin’ know that.”

Silence descended once more. This time Killian broke it. “You fuckin’ her?” he asked, the words physically painful for him to say, but he had to know. He’d hopefully find a way not to kill Noah if the answer was what he feared. Of all the responses he expected, laughter was not one of them.

That was what he got.

When he was finished laughing, Noah’s face turned stoic. “You’re actually serious?”

Killian nodded once, taking another drag to calm himself.

Noah shook his head. “Lexie’s not my type.”

“Lexie’s everyone’s fuckin’ type,” Killian growled, offended that Noah was implying she was less than perfect, as fucked up as that was.

“Guess you could say that,” Noah agreed. “Not mine.” He paused. “I’m fuckin’ gay, bro.”

Killian was a hard person to shock, but that’s what Noah just did. Shocked the utter shit out of him. Yeah, even in high school he didn’t jump from girl to girl like Sam and Wyatt, but Killian just thought it was ‘cause most of the girls in their school were empty headed and superficial and Noah was like Killian, he wanted substance. He never once thought it was because he didn’t like girls, period.

“Okay,” Killian said finally.

Noah turned to him. “Okay?”

Killian shrugged. “Means I don’t have to worry about killing you for putting your hands on Lexie.”

Noah choked out another laugh and threw his smoke into the sand. “Just because I don’t wanna fuck her doesn’t mean I don’t love her. That I wouldn’t do everything in my power to stop her from getting hurt. Any more than she already is.” He eyed Killian with a hard gaze. “Despite your intentions, I think that’s gonna be the result of you being here, so you better watch your fuckin’ back if you hurt her again. You won’t be walking out of here.”

Killian held his gaze. “Not gonna hurt her. Never again.”

Noah let those words float out into the ocean air. “That remains to be seen.” He walked back into the house without another word.

“You do realize that’s your fifth coffee for today?” Noah asked, nodding to my cup as we got out of the car.

I tightened my grip on it, just in case he had any ideas about stealing it. I needed it. I had no sleep last night. None. How could you get sleep after fucking the man you’ve been in love with for six years against a wall after singing a song to thousands of people about how much he broke your heart?

Seriously how? I was looking for suggestions because I was no closer to being over it than I was before. I’d managed to write three songs in that sleepless night. I’d half expected Killian to come through the door I had slammed shut right after our argument. I half hoped for it and half dreaded it.

It didn’t happen.

I’d gotten up to Mark and Hannah in my kitchen, as well as Killian smoking outside the French doors.

I wondered if he ever slept. I made it a point not to go anywhere near the room that he’d been given since his arrival a week ago. Fortunately, I hadn’t been home enough to go near it. We had been cleared by the police to go back to the Calabasas house, but I couldn’t do it. Not yet. Maybe not ever. The blood might have been scrubbed off the floor, but I’d always know it was there.

I had frowned at Killian’s profile for a second. I’d known he was smoking again since I’d been close enough to smell it on him, but seeing it was a different story. Inexplicitly, it hurt. Seeing the smoke spiral out of his mouth signaled something that cemented the distant between us, despite last night. Despite all of his words and promises. He’d given up smoking for me. And now he was doing it again. It had to mean something.

Mark hadn’t given me much time to contemplate this, luckily. He’d looked me up and down, frowned for a second, then handed me my first coffee of the day, barking orders at someone on the phone to get Mario here stat. I guessed the lack of sleep was easy to see. I inspected the floor of the kitchen while sipping my coffee cup. All evidence of the night before was gone. Someone had swept up the shards.

Hannah probably.

“At one fifteen, you’ve got a prerecorded satellite slot on the Today Show,” Mark began to run through my schedule while I sat at the breakfast bar, trying to wake myself up.

“You’re awake,” a gruff voice interrupted Mark, who scowled over my shoulder.

I didn’t twirl around. “Either that or there’s a zombie situation in this place,” I said into my coffee. “If I start trying to eat any brains, someone shoot me in the head.” Sarcasm was the best way to shield myself against reality. Against the truth that something had changed last night. There wasn’t any hiding from it now, but I was going to try my hardest to until I was properly caffeinated.

The chair whirled around thanks to a huge man behind me. I was faced with an ice blue gaze. “You didn’t sleep last night,” Killian continued, jaw hard.

I jerked at the observation. For him to know that, he must have been somewhere near my bedroom and awake the entire night himself. I decided not to grill him on how he knew, not in front of grim-faced Mark and wide-eyed Hannah.

I held my coffee cup up. “That’s why nectar of the gods was invented. Not that it’s any of your concern.”

He bent close to my face. “It’s my concern, freckles,” he murmured. Then he pushed off the chair and disappeared around the corner.

I blinked after him then twisted myself back around. Mark glowered and Hannah was grinning.

“What was that?” she asked.

“What was what?”

She nodded to the corner where Killian had disappeared. “That.”

I sipped my coffee. “What?”

She scowled at me. “Lexie,” she warned.

“Hannah,” I replied in the same tone.

She sighed, obviously not impressed with the game I was playing. “That.” She pointed. “With you and Killian. That was something.”

“That was nothing,” I lied.

She opened her mouth.

“Hannah, don’t you have to organize the schedule for today?” Mark snapped with impatience.

Hannah didn’t move her gaze from me. “It can wait.”

“It cannot. Do it. Now,” Mark said, his voice hard.

She rolled her eyes. “It was something,” she called over her shoulder as she walked out to the living room.

“No, it wasn’t,” I yelled after her.

Mark’s shrewd gaze was focused on me.

“What?” I asked defensively.