Sister's Choice (36 page)

“I don’t know why not. It would match the rest of me.” She shifted just a bit so she could see the fire better. “You’re awfully good with my girls, Cash. Do you ever ask yourself if you’re missing something by not having kids of your own?”

“Not often. The horses take a lot of nurturing. I guess I tell myself I get it out of my system that way.”

She and the girls had enjoyed so many happy times in the evenings walking down to the stables to watch Cash working with Sanction’s Folly and Lady’s Choice. The mother cat was still guarding the barn, but the kittens had all been placed in good homes. Cash was great with the horses, but even better with her girls. She was afraid if they finished out the school year at Grace’s house, Cash was going to come home one day with a pony.

“I know one thing I haven’t gotten out of my system, though,” he said, turning her so she was looking at him, not the fire. “And that’s you, Miss Jamie. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m more or less falling hard, here.”

He had stripped off his tie a while earlier, and removed his coat. She touched his cheek, then trailed her fingers down his throat to the hollow. “If you are, I’m impressed. I’m as fat as Tweedledee with somebody else’s babies, I haul around two little extensions everywhere I go. I end up in bed for weeks with everybody having to wait on me. I’m so not-a-prize these days.”

“You forgot that you burst into tears over every little thing.”

“Not over this.”

He kissed her, moving his hands up to her shoulders and pulling her closer. She sighed happily and kissed him back. She had needed this. The evening away from her children. The moonlit view of the new house. The meal in which she’d had no hand at all. But most of all?
This.
The man she was falling in love with holding her in his arms and making her feel like nothing in the world except a woman again.

She snuggled against him and put her arms around his neck. “Are you really falling hard?”

“Maybe you didn’t have to catch a mess of catfish, but you’re still fishing.”

“I just wanted to hear it again.”

“Not until I hear something coming from your direction.”

“I think the only thing I’d like to catch around here is you. Only we both know it’s going to take more than reeling you in. Even if we decided we wanted to be together someday, there’s an awful lot of settling to do first.”

“Do we have to do it tonight?”

For just a moment she wondered if tonight might be exactly the right time to tell him about the latest development in her complicated life. He had supported her in everything else; why not this? But she knew if she spoke now, this magical moment would be gone forever.

“We don’t have to do anything tonight except this.” She kissed him again, angling her mouth over his, this way, then that. Their tongues touched. She had told Kendra her libido had deflated as her body expanded, but that had been talk. She wasn’t surprised by the rush of desire, but she
was
surprised by the strength of it.

“Ground rules,” he said, as he broke away to trail tiny kisses up and down her neck. “Two teenagers in the backseat of Daddy’s car and curfew…ten minutes away. No time for anything else…but this.”

“If you were a teenager, ten minutes would be plenty of time.”

“I feel like a teenager about now.”

He leaned back farther, bringing her with him. The twins were between them, in more ways than one, but she could feel the solidity of his chest, the strength of his arms, the sweet, warm pressure of his lips against hers.

His palm pressed lightly against her throat, moving lower, edging under the neckline of her dress. Moments passed before she realized his fingers had slipped under the curve of her bra. She stiffened and winced as he passed too close to the tenderest part of her breast.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” He sat up, bringing her with him.

“Nothing.” Self-consciously, she tried to straighten the neckline of her dress and saw he didn’t believe her. “I guess it’s the pregnancy. I’m tender there.”

His gaze drifted down to the top of her dress, and she realized that because of the way she was sprawled against him, there was very little he couldn’t see.

His eyes met hers. “Is that a bruise?”

“It’s nothing. I bruise easily.”

“Jamie, what’s going on?” He sat up straight and helped her do the same, creating some distance between them as he did. “Who hurt you?”

“Nobody did, Cash. I told you, I bruise easily, and—”

“Why don’t you just show me?”

Her hands went to the spot he had touched, as if that might protect her. She shook her head.

“This has something to do with that trip to Detroit, doesn’t it? You’ve been different ever since. Somebody there hurt you. Is there a man? Somebody you’re involved with who likes to hurt women?”

She saw the anger in his eyes, and she saw the disappointment.

She couldn’t let him believe that. “I’m not involved with any man in Detroit, and I don’t let men hurt me. Never have and never will. I told you I bruise easily. The pregnancy makes it…”

She heard herself lying again, and suddenly she couldn’t go on. Years ago lies had been part of survival on the streets. The line between truth and lies had been as blurry as her thoughts after nights of partying with people she hardly knew. Those had been the dark days, when she hadn’t cared if she lived or died. She never wanted to live them or any days like them again. She never wanted to fall back on bad habits.

“Okay, I’m not telling the truth.” She moved away from him and straightened her dress, but she was careful not to meet his eyes. “But if I tell you the truth, Cash, I can almost guarantee you aren’t going to like it. So we can quit while we’re ahead and forget this. It might be the easier way to go.”

“Was I right?
Has
somebody hurt you?”

If she’d thought he was the kind of man who was always suspicious, she would have gotten up and asked him to take her home. But Cash wasn’t like that. If anything, he preferred not to be that involved, that responsible. She had given him cause to question her. She had lied, and not well. She had lost the knack for making up stories, for fooling people, because it was easier than honesty.

“No one hurt me. Absolutely not. Is that good enough?”

“Then what’s going on, Jamie? We’ve gotten this far. I guess we need to go the distance.”

The silence stretched, and he let it. Finally she knew she had to tell him.

“When I went to Michigan in early November…I found a lump in my breast.” She looked at him at last. “I’m so young. I thought it was nothing, but I was smart enough to go to my gynecologist, just to be sure. And I was wrong. It was
some
thing. Over Thanksgiving I had it removed. And my breast is still tender and bruised from the surgery.”

“Cancer?” One word, but his tone said everything else.

“I wish it weren’t true, believe me.”

His expression was frozen, as if he were afraid to show whatever he was feeling.

She looked away again. “I had a lot of options for what to do. The only one I could really live with was the one I chose. Lumpectomy. That’s what they call the surgery I had. It leaves most of the breast intact, and most surgeons consider it just as safe as more radical surgery, as long as it’s followed up by radiation. After the babies are born, I’ll have the radiation, and maybe chemo to finish the treatment. But until then, there’s nothing else I’m willing to do.”

“Willing?”

She wished she hadn’t used that word. But it was the right word, the honest word. “I told you, I had a lot of options. One was chemo now, during the pregnancy. But nobody could assure me completely that the babies wouldn’t be harmed. The studies haven’t extended long enough—”

“You’re taking a risk, aren’t you? That’s why you haven’t told anybody about this.”

“I told your grandmother.”

“And Kendra? What about Isaac? What about
me!
”

She flinched. “Cash, think about it. If I tell Kendra and Isaac, I’m putting them in a terrible position. What can they say? This whole pregnancy and all the implications have already been so stressful. How could I ask them to make a choice between possibly harming me or harming the babies? How could I ask them to choose between us?”

“It’s easy. You tell them the truth. You don’t mess around with your life. For God’s sake, Jamie, what have you been thinking? This isn’t like deciding whether to send Alison to Happy Toddlers Preschool or the one over at First Baptist. It’s your
life!
”

“Nothing comes without risks.”

“Why are you trying to be a hero?”

“I’m not!”

“So the doctor told you there was no harm in waiting until after the birth to do a follow-up? He agrees with your choices? And you got second opinions, and thirds?”

“It’s not that simple. There’s so much they don’t know about this. And it’s a clinical decision for them. Statistics, formulas, add this to that and subtract for the following. It’s not just clinical for me. I told Kendra I would do this for her. I made a solemn promise that I would take care of these babies until the moment they’re born. And that’s what I’m going to do.”

“No, you need to tell her right away. She and Isaac need to know.”

“I’ve decided I’ll tell them a few days before I deliver. I want them to have a little time to get used to it before the babies come.”

“What, just enough so it won’t spoil their experience?”

She gave a slight nod.

“You don’t think it’ll be spoiled anyway? That they won’t be asking themselves over and over how things came to this? How you went and did this without consulting them?”

“Don’t you think I’ve gone over my choices? It’s a bad situation, and I’m giving the best response I can.”

“They need to know
now
.”

“Cash, don’t you tell anybody. This is
my
decision.
My
life and
my
sister. I’m in charge of my body. This is none of your business.”

He got to his feet and looked down at her. “Is that right? Not my business? Well, thanks for clarifying things. I get it. You’d like me to just sit on the sidelines and cheer while you take chances with your future. What about those little girls of yours?” He ran his hand through his hair. “Oh, wait, now I remember what you said a while ago—and why. You’ve already worked out their futures. Kendra and Isaac get four for the price of two. And if you die, you’d like me to drop in now and then to say hello, and maybe make up for you being gone!”

“That’s cruel, and I’m not going to die. I’m going to fight this with everything I have. We caught it early. It’s not the most aggressive kind. I’ll let the doctors do anything they need to after the twins are born.”

“You know what? It’s time to leave.” He got up; then, with obvious reluctance, he extended his hand to help her up, too. “Since you and Granny Grace seem to have a pact going here, why don’t I just take you back up to the orchard, so she can tell you what a noble thing you’ve done. Because I sure can’t.”

“I don’t need you to.” Without his help, she got clumsily to her feet; then she lowered herself to the sofa to slip on her shoes.

“I’m curious, Jamie. Will this pay back that debt you think you owe your sister? Will this finally take care of it?”

“I’m done explaining myself to you.”

“Done. Okay. That’s a word I can live with. I don’t want any part of this.”

She took a deep breath, but it didn’t cushion the pain. She stood and walked to the door to take her coat off the peg and slip it on without his help.

He joined her at the bottom of the steps. As she watched, he bent over and pulled the plug on the twinkling lights that had adorned the trees. They made the trip to his pickup by moonlight.

O
nly five days had passed since Cash had sat with Jamie in almost this same spot, but it felt like a lifetime. Now he leaned against the passenger door of his pickup and made notes on a clipboard. He was alone, because the men at the Taylor job site were giving him a wide berth. He supposed the fact that he’d nearly fired one of them an hour ago for leaving too much space between driveway pavers had sealed that deal.

He wasn’t an easy boss, but he was known to be a fair one. Normally he would have shown the guilty party his mistakes, decided whether they were due to carelessness or a misunderstanding, then acted accordingly. At worst, Cash would have asked him to do the work over on his own time. At best, he would have shrugged it off and gotten another man to help him tear out the problem section and redo. Despite how careful he and his father were about hiring, mistakes were inevitable, something a fair boss understood and watched out for.

Today he didn’t feel like being fair. He knew that was what it came down to, and he was trying to surmount it. But at the moment, he was fighting an urge to make everybody else feel as bad as he did.

With an expression that said he had been chosen to test the waters, Gig finally approached the pickup. Not warily, exactly, but not as confidently as usual. Cash stood his ground and waited to hear what his old friend had to say.

“We ran into a problem moving that boulder down the side of the slope, only nobody wants to tell you ’cause they’re afraid you’ll go down and try to break it up with your bare hands. And at the rate you’re going today, you just might succeed.”

Cash bit back his first response and waited until a second came to mind. “Then leave it alone. There was some talk about working it into the landscaping, anyway.”

“Not so’s I ever heard.” Gig, never anybody’s idea of demonstrative, rested his hand on Cash’s shoulder. “There’s nothing going on this afternoon that you need to be here for. I’ll take care of things.”

“Kendra Taylor’s on her way over with carpet samples.”

“You need to be here for that?”

Cash shrugged, and Gig dropped his hand. “I need to talk to her about something else,” Cash said. “But she’s late.”

“Can I help?”

“I wouldn’t wish this conversation on anybody else.” He nodded as a way of telling Gig they were finished. “Thanks for the offer, though.”

Gig looked like he wanted to say more but knew better. “I’ll be inside, you change your mind.”

“Yeah. Okay.”

Cash watched the other man cross what would be a yard come spring. Now the ground was mud, splattered with the few patches of snow that hadn’t melted as temperatures warmed. January was one of those months when the Valley might have a couple of weeks of weather good enough for working outdoors, or only half that. Today a bright sun warmed the winter landscape and some of the men were in shirtsleeves, although Cash wore a light jacket over his flannel shirt. In sunlight the Taylor house was nearly as lovely as it had been in moonlight.

Some things managed to stay the same, no matter what.

He heard the sound of a car approaching, and after a few moments the Taylors’ Lexus pulled into the parking area. The last few times he had seen Kendra, the reserve he’d come to associate with her had disappeared. She reminded him of a kid on Christmas Eve, waiting for Santa to bring her heart’s desire. Only in real life, Santa Jamie was bringing those gifts at her own peril.

“Hey, Cash.” Kendra had carpet samples tucked under both arms, and Cash walked over to intercept her and take some.

“I’ve just about decided on Berber carpet for the boys’ room, but I want to see how these look with the paint and the lights you installed. And I want to check Hannah and Alison’s room one more time.” She paused, then smiled. “I bet you think I’m obsessing, don’t you? You and the guys probably think I’m a taskmaster.”

“No, we think you’re a woman spending a whole lot of money to get the house she wants. You deserve to get it right the first time.”

“Is everything okay?” She cocked her head. “You don’t look happy.”

He knew there was still time to step back from his decision. He could plead the problems with the driveway pavers as the source of his mood and let this go. He could stay out of something that truly wasn’t his business. Jamie had been right about that.

“Okay, what’s up?” she asked when he didn’t answer right away. “Problems with the roof? Problems with the foundation?”

“Problems with your sister.”

“I’m sorry.” She looked uncomfortable. “I probably don’t have any right to ask what, but if I can do anything…”

He was committed now, and that decision having been made, all he could do was forge ahead. “You have the right to ask, Kendra. Unfortunately, nobody has more right.”

And as the carpet samples were forgotten, he told her why he had waited there to talk to her.

Kendra had to search to find her sister. Although her van was parked in its usual place, Jamie wasn’t at the house. Grace said she had seen her earlier, but not for the past hour. The girls had been invited to play with Adoncia Garcia’s children and weren’t expected home until dinnertime, and Grace was on her way upstairs to quilt. She suggested Kendra look outside, since Jamie couldn’t have gone far.

Kendra walked around the porch to the back of the house and called Jamie’s name. When she didn’t get an answer, she called again and started along the path to the barn where Lucky made her home. Kendra really didn’t expect to find Jamie there, but when she circled to the side where the pen had been built, she found Jamie leaning on the fence feeding the little deer something that looked like grain. Lucky wasn’t a fawn anymore, but certainly not yet a full-grown doe. Kendra had no idea what to call the little deer except cute. And wary. Although she was used to Jamie, at Kendra’s appearance she ambled back inside the barn, swishing her little bottom.

“Didn’t you hear me calling you?” Kendra asked in greeting.

Jamie frowned. “Preoccupied, I guess. And not expecting you. Can you stay for dinner? Or do you have to get right back home?”

“I’m not sure you’ll want me sitting across the table once I’m done here.” She watched Jamie’s expression change. Jamie hadn’t looked particularly happy to see her sister, but she hadn’t looked uneasy, either. Now, like Lucky, she was suddenly on guard. And she looked as if she would like to follow in Lucky’s footsteps and leave.

“It’s getting chilly,” Jamie said. “And I’ve been on my feet a while. Let’s go in the kitchen and I’ll make some tea.”

“I don’t want tea. I want a conversation without anybody else listening to it.”

“Then we can sit in the breezeway, unless you’re planning to raise your voice. Grace is probably upstairs working on her latest quilt.”

“We can try, but I’m not making any promises.”

Jamie didn’t ask what this was about. She lifted one brow as if to say she expected Kendra to behave, then started back toward the house with Kendra beside her.

“I’m going to make myself fruit tea,” she said once they were inside. “I’ll take it with me to steep. May I get you anything?”

Kendra gave one shake of her head. Jamie heated a cup of water with a tea bag in the microwave; then she led her sister into the breezeway, where she turned on lamps. She chose a chair instead of the sofa, as if she knew that having Kendra sitting close wouldn’t be a good idea.

“So, go for it.” She dunked the tea bag rhythmically as she spoke. “What’s up?”

“I just talked to Cash.”

The hand holding the tea bag stopped middunk. But Jamie’s composure held. Kendra supposed she had learned that trick a long time ago.

“And?” Jamie asked casually.

“And he told me how you spent Thanksgiving.”

When Jamie didn’t speak, Kendra exploded. “How could you? How could you believe that a decision like that didn’t involve
me?
”

Jamie was quiet for a long moment, as if she was forming her answer. Then she took the tea bag from her cup and laid it on the saucer. “It didn’t. I hope while Cash was revealing my secrets, he also told you that in no way can breast cancer harm the twins. They’re perfectly safe, and they would be even if the cancer had spread. And since I’ve chosen to wait for the rest of my treatment, they won’t be affected by that, either. So when it comes right down to it, you
aren’t
involved. My body, my decisions, my right to do what I think is best.”

Kendra leaned forward. “We’re not at a rally, Jamie! You’re not giving a speech about women’s rights. This is
me,
remember? Your sister? The person in this world who loves you the most! And how can you say I’m not involved? You’re carrying my babies! And they’re the reason you’ve chosen not to go forward with more treatment.”

“Don’t exaggerate. The whole situation’s bad enough already. I
will
have more treatment. But I’m not going to put anything in my body right now that might harm the twins. I’m lucky I can make that choice, when a lot of women can’t. I don’t have to, because the chances are good I’ll be fine if I wait a bit for the chemo and radiation. So I can do this for them, and that’s the decision I made. What would you have preferred? That I take chances with their futures?”

“Did you think I’d want you to sacrifice yourself?”

Jamie didn’t answer.

“You really thought that?” Kendra realized how loudly she was speaking and lowered her voice. “How could you, Jamie? What have I ever done to make you think that?”

“I think this is a decision only Solomon could make, but I had to make it anyway.”

“What do the doctors say? What did they want you to do?”

Kendra watched as her sister considered how to answer this, and the wait only made her angrier. She wondered if Jamie was going to lie about this, too, but when she spoke, it was clear she had decided to level.

“They were divided. I’m finding there are no easy answers in the world of breast cancer. My friend and gynecologist Suz Chinn wanted me to have a mastectomy, followed immediately by chemo if I needed it. In varying degrees, the others thought Suz was right and that probably was the best solution. But doing it my way increased the risk for long-term survival in acceptable amounts. The radiologist was the most confident I’d be okay. Of course, this way he gets the pleasure of zapping my breast five days a week for at least a month. He’s young and single. I think he’s looking forward to it.”

“How can you joke at a time like this?”

“How can I not?”

For the first time Kendra heard the plaintive note in her sister’s voice. Since her conversation with Cash, she had been so angry that she hadn’t allowed herself to imagine how Jamie felt about the diagnosis. She had felt so hurt, so betrayed, that Jamie had lied to her.

But her sister, not yet thirty, had breast cancer.

“Why did you lie to me?” Kendra asked. “I guess I can understand why you’ve decided what you have, although I hope you don’t think that’s what I would have asked you to do. But why did you lie? Why didn’t you just let me help you face this so we could have figured out what to do together? We could have done the research, talked to specialists in this area. Have I been such an awful sister that you thought you couldn’t trust me?”

“I didn’t like lying. I gave that up a long time ago, along with various other despicable habits.”

“Then why?”

“Because you’re always sure you know what’s best for me, Ken. That’s been true forever. And you’ve tried to change, but at heart, that’s still the way things are. This time I had to figure out what was best for myself
by
myself. Without putting you in the driver’s seat. How could you make the right decision when, on one hand, you had my health to consider, and on the other, your children’s? I knew you couldn’t look at it objectively. And I knew the emotions would tear you apart. So I spared you that.”

“Don’t make it sound so noble! You spared yourself from finding out what my choice would be.”

“I made the best choice for everybody. I’m an adult. This is my body. I’m carrying these babies. I chose for you, for me, for them. I took every little bit of information I had, consulted with four doctors, weighed all the pros and cons. I made the choice I could live with.”

Kendra knew that whatever she said next would affect her relationship with her sister for the rest of their lives. She was torn between anger at and fear for Jamie. Sadly, she also had to face the fact that some part of her was relieved that her babies, the children she would nurture and protect for the rest of her life, would be born without the risk of extra complications.

As she realized that, she also realized that some smaller but guilty part of herself was relieved Jamie had spared her the necessity of confronting this decision head-on.

Inside, the silence stretched. Outside, Kendra could hear twilight bird calls, the sound of an engine as somebody traveled down one of the orchard’s dirt roads. A voice calling greetings to someone in mellifluous Spanish.

“Here’s what I would have done, after I’d had a chance to consider it carefully,” Kendra said at last, leaning forward a little so Jamie knew how earnest she was. “This is all you
ever
had to be afraid of. I would have told you how much I love you. Then I would have told you that I understood you had to make this decision for yourself, and whatever you chose, you had my complete support. I would have said that I know you’re not my little girl anymore, and never really were. That’s what these months together have done for me. I know that now, and I trust you completely to do the right thing.”

She sat back. “Then I would have asked if you were really sure you wanted to take even the slightest risk with your health. Because I don’t know if I can live with myself if anything happens to you just because you were trying to do something so wonderful for Isaac and me.”

Tears welled in Jamie’s eyes, and she wiped them away. “I’m not a martyr, Ken. I promise, if the risks were any higher, this would be a very different conversation.”

“When it’s cancer,
any
risk is too much. What about Alison and Hannah?”