Sisterhood Of Lake Alice (22 page)

“Her face seemed to glow in the darkness of the church. I swear to you on a stack of Bibles that I heard her speak to me. She told me not to be afraid. She said that I was just fine, just the way I was. That God loved me for who I was on both the inside and outside. I remember talking back to her and telling her that I was not even Catholic. I was there because it was the only church that I knew how to find. I swear to you, she smiled at me and said that it didn’t make any difference because I was a child of God. I finally knelt down and cried my eyes out.

“A little while later, the priest returned and again asked me if I was okay. He offered to call someone for me. I told him that for the first time in a long time, I really was okay. I don’t know why, but I lit a candle, put twenty dollars into a slot for donations, and left. The woman that had sat on the church stairs crying had been transformed and finally had some peace in her heart.

“I went back to the apartment and took a long, hot shower. Just as I was drying myself, the phone rang, and my very own personal miracle happened. It was the temporary help agency telling me about the job for Mr. Lawrence St. George. I know in the depth of my being that Larry was truly God’s gift to me. Because of Larry, I have known what complete love is. Because of that love, I was able to care for him. As I watched him die, I had the profound belief that God was ever so gently taking Larry from me to be with him. The pain of his death was softened by the knowledge that he was going to Jesus, who would take care of him from that point on. There are still evenings when I talk to Larry and ask him to help me get through the next day. I dream of him being healthy, running through fields of flowers, laughing, and telling me not to be sad because he is in paradise. Then I say a prayer of thanksgiving and sleep in peace.

“Well, girls, now I spilled my guts to you. It’s okay if you think that I’m a little wacko. Nevertheless, boy, I have to admit, it feels good to share my story with someone else. I have never told anyone about that. I guess it is true: liquor does make for loose lips. Oh well, you all know that I have always been a few bricks short of a load.”

The entire time she was sharing her story, she had stared into the burning logs; now she turned to look into the eyes of her old girlfriends. Rebecca was sitting next to her, reached over, and gently rubbed her back. Emily reached over and held Lindy’s hand as she told her that she had always been the bravest of the group. It was nice to know that she had not changed. Grace thanked Lindy for sharing this very beautiful part of her life with them. She told her that she felt very blessed to have a friend like Lindy. All of them agreed as they again stared into the flames in front of them.

*

Grace sighed deeply, and then she began to speak. She said, “If Lindy can be so honest, I guess that I am called to be the same. After all of you left for college, I felt so abandoned. There was a time when I was very jealous of all of you; at another time, I was just plain angry. I was angry with my parents for not thinking about a future for me. They could have helped me get a college education, but they chose not to. I was angry that the three of you had this perfect life while I was stuck in Fergus Falls. I guess I was heading toward being a bitter young lady. I felt as though I was always going to be a loser.

“One day, I was steaming some new clothes that had just arrived at Claire’s. There was a stunning, deep purple suit lined in a pale pink silk. It was one of the most expensive suits in the shop. I have no idea why I did it, but a few days later, I stole the suit. I justified it by saying that I would never get anything else that I deserved, so what was one suit? Well, a few weeks later, Claire went to find the suit to show a woman who was visiting town. She looked everywhere in the shop, then she went through the sales receipts for the past few days. I had never seen her so furious. She was upset for several days and kept talking about calling the police to report it. Meanwhile, I had the suit hidden in the back of my tiny little closet. Every time I looked at it, I felt like throwing up. I finally hid it in a small crawl space where I had once hid our toys when the men came to take all of our stuff after we had polio.

“I was a thief, but worst of all, I had stolen something from Claire. She had always believed in me, cared for me, and had been my mentor. The suit became my torture. I could not look Claire in the face for weeks. I had nightmares for months about being arrested in the middle of the shop, then taken out into the middle of Lincoln Avenue with a sign around my neck saying, ‘Beware: Grace is a thief and cannot be trusted.’ After several months, I thought I was going to lose my mind.

“Finally, right after Christmas, I took the suit back to the shop. I asked Claire if I could see her in her office. When she walked in the door, I was clutching the suit to my chest. I confessed to her and begged her to forgive me. I knew that I had just lost the job that I had grown to love, all because of my stupid greed for an expensive suit. As I sat there sobbing, Claire simply sat looking at me. Finally, she told me to go home for the rest of the day while she thought about what had just happened. She told me to return to the shop the next day at ten o’clock. She felt that would give her enough time to think about the situation and come up with a solution.

“As I walked home that day, I have never felt so miserable and alone. I spent the rest of the day in my room terrified about what was going to happen to me. Yet I also felt as though a huge burden had been lifted from me. I was happy that I had finally told the truth. I was now completely willing to accept the consequences of my actions. I knew that whatever Claire decided to do would be fair. I did not know if she would have me arrested or if she would simply fire me.

“In the morning, I arrived at the shop just as I had promised. Garnet, one of the other saleswomen, told me that Claire was in her office. The first thing I saw was the suit hanging on the back of the door. Claire told me sit down and then she said, ‘I want to tell you first of all that I admire the courage it took for you to tell the truth and return the suit. I have thought long and hard about what to do regarding this matter. I believe that you have suffered greatly because I know you have a strong conscience. It is obvious that this has been a burden for you. What you did was terribly wrong. I could call the police and have you arrested. However, I do not know what good that would do anyone. Therefore, here is what I have decided. You will not be able to work in the shop for one month, and you will not be able to purchase anything in the shop for three months. When you return to work, this matter will never be discussed again. I believe you when you say that you are sorry. I want to trust you again, but that will be up to you. You will have to earn your trust back, and I believe that you will be able to do that. At this moment, I feel betrayed, but I know that in time, this will pass. I strongly believe that we all learn some of the most valuable lessons of our lives from the mistakes we make. You can turn this incident into a success by learning from it. I am forgiving you in advance. Now go home, and I will see you in a month. That is when we will begin again to rebuild our relationship, and most importantly, our trust. We never need talk about this again.’

“As I walked home that day, I thanked God for giving me Claire. Through her wisdom and compassion, I had learned one of the most important lessons of my life. In time, I was able to rebuild the wonderful bond between us. I have used Claire as my example of how to live as an honorable woman. She did forgive me. Several times over the years, I tried to bring up the suit and once again apologize. Each time she would stop me, saying that it was forgiven and forgotten.

“Years later, after I had bought the shop from Claire, I was cleaning out the storage area. I found an old garment bag. When I opened it, I found the suit. I remember sitting down in the corner of the room, again clutching the suit to my chest. I said a special prayer that day for Claire’s wisdom and forgiveness.

“I have no idea why I am telling you my dirty little secret except that it feels so good to finally get it out in the open. Even though we have been apart for all of these years, when I am here with you, I feel safe and protected. So now you know that Grace, little Goody Two-Shoes, is not so wonderful. I hope you will understand me a little better after hearing my story.”

Rebecca was the first to move to Grace. She gave her a hug and whispered that she still was Amazing Grace in her eyes. Lindy told Grace that her daddy had told her so many times in the past, “Everyone makes mistakes; it’s our chance to learn and grow. Make it again, and you are just flat out dumb!” Then Lindy added that the suit must have really been something to tempt Grace to do it. Lindy had once again broken the tension with her wonderful sense of humor.

*

As Grace, Lindy, and Rebecca were hugging, Emily sat staring into the fire. She seemed to be miles away from them. Lindy asked her if she was all right. Emily simply stood up, went out in the kitchen, and returned with the last bottle of Asti. When she had filled everyone’s glasses, she finally spoke. “Well, I guess that it is my turn to shed my image and tell you about my life’s major screw-ups. When I left here to go to college in Madison, I quickly connected with some real bad-news people. It was my first taste of freedom—drugs, sex, and becoming very self-centered. I guess I was rebelling against my parents. Do you know they never came to visit me in college, not once? However, all my rebellion just hurt me in the end. I was such a fool.

“After I graduated, I found myself alone, broke, and three months pregnant. I longed to call all of you. Even then, I was still too proud to ask you to help me. Well anyway, I had a beautiful baby girl, whom I named Rebecca Grace. Sorry, Lindy, I just could not fit in a third name. I only held her for fifteen minutes. I knew that I had made the right decision to allow a loving family, whom I had picked, to adopt her. They clearly adored her from the moment they saw her. I have never seen her again. To this day, I dream about her.

“It is so strange that my dreams change as she grows up. In the beginning, I dreamed of her having a bath in the kitchen sink, then the first steps she took. I could almost see her brushing her hair, riding her bike for the first time. Now I see her getting all dressed up for her first prom or hanging out on the front porch with her girlfriends. The only thing that I have ever asked God for is to keep her safe and let her know that she is deeply loved. Giving her up was the hardest thing but also the most unselfish thing I have ever done in my life. I feel as though there is a hole inside of me that cannot ever be filled or healed. That is okay; in an odd way, the pain keeps me connected to her.

“Nevertheless, you know me, Emily, the overachiever. I do not believe in having pity parties, so I have moved on and tried to help others not make the mistakes I made. I kept to myself, worked hard, and tried to make a difference. Then last week, I left the job that had been my entire identity. I went from being a winner to a loser. Once again, I find myself alone with little money and no place to go.

“About the same time, I received a letter from my father’s lawyer advising me that the house, which was the only thing I inherited after my mother’s death, was in dire need of repairs. So I decided to move back to Fergus Falls, the place where it all began. I plan to fix up the house and then sell it. Then, perhaps, I can figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I hope that while I am here working my butt off to get this place in shape, I will find a new start.

“Well, there you have it. See, Grace, you have nothing to be ashamed about. I think so far, I win the prize for being the biggest loser of this sisterhood.”

This time they all leaned close to Emily. Lindy said, “Wow, what a night at the Larsons. This Asti stuff has made honest women out of all of us. Emily, welcome to my world—the world of ordinary!” They all laughed as they toasted each other.

*

Grace nudged Rebecca, telling her that it was now her turn to share one of her secrets. As Rebecca sat on the pillow on the floor, she sighed, looking at each of them directly in the eyes. Then she softly began to speak. “It is not that I have not had my share of mishaps over the years, because I most certainly have. I have been in love with two men that were both wrong for me. However, that story is for another day. Just two days ago, I moved back to Fergus Falls after having Mom’s house remodeled. I can tell you that I have adored teaching at Holy Angels. I believe that it was my calling. I have had such a wonderful career.

“The secret I want to share with you has to do with the future, not the past.” She stopped talking, taking a deep uneven breath. After she took another sip of Asti, she looked at all of their faces staring at her. “You must all promise that at least until I have my talk with Mom, that this stays within these four walls.” All of them silently nodded, and no one said a word. Then Rebecca continued, “You all know that ever since I was born, I have had many health issues. Being a frail little girl was no fun. As a grown woman, my health has always been a barrier to doing many things that I have dreamed of experiencing in my life. Just as Emily dreams about her daughter, I dream about being healthy. I dream of running through a field, pedaling a bike for miles, swimming, skiing, and walking down nature trails. None of that is possible for me. I have learned how to accept my limitations. I enjoy all that I can do.

“However, this past year, it became obvious to me that my problems were becoming more serious. After many tests, my doctor has told me that there is nothing more that can be done. It seems that both my heart and my lungs are deciding to give out at about the same time. My only choice now is to go to bed and wait to die or to live the last few months of my life trying to squeeze in a few more adventures. Either way, my future can be counted in months instead of years.

“Please do not feel sorry for me. I am really quite okay with it. I wish with all of my imperfect heart that I did not have to cause my mother the pain that she will endure at my death. If I have any regrets, that is it. So, girlfriends, my wish is that I have some fun. I believe that God has put me here in Fergus Falls with all of you as one of my final gifts. So let’s make the best of it, and help me go out in style.”