Single Wide Female: The Bucket List Mega Bundle - 24 Books (Books #1-24) (19 page)

It wasn’t until I arrived at my apartment that I remembered I was supposed to be meeting Max. The way my body felt, all I wanted was to escape, to evade the possibility of being seen in my debilitated state. I had my phone out to text Max so that I could cancel our get-together, but before I could send it, there was a knock on the door. I knew that it had to be Max.

“Come in,” I called out, knowing that he would never just turn around and leave now. I continued to limp my way into the kitchen. “I’m in the kitchen,” I called out when I heard the door open and close.

“What are you up to?” Max said from the living room.

I grabbed two bags of frozen vegetables from the freezer. Then I waddled back to the living room. I sank down into the easy chair beside the couch and dropped a bag on each knee.

“Ugh,” I sighed.

“Here I thought you were going to make me dinner.” Max laughed as he sat down on the couch. “What have you done to yourself?”

“What have I done?” I repeated in a contemplative tone. “I have been training for a marathon.”

“A marathon?” he repeated. “Is that what you and Stephanie have been up to?”

“She told you?” I asked, surprised.

“Well, she mentioned that she was running with you,” he said with some hesitation in his voice. I could tell that he was feeling a little awkward.

“Stephanie is a great person,” I said and narrowed my eyes at him. “You better be nice to her.”

“I’m always nice,” Max shot back with some hurt in his voice. He was silent for a moment and then slid forward to the edge of the couch. “So what do you two talk about when you run?”

I raised an eyebrow and met his eyes intently. “Worried?”

“Should I be?” he asked and held my gaze in return. “I really like her, Sammy.”

I tried not to feel each of his words like a blade slicing through my skin. I reminded myself that I was moving on, that it was only for the best that Max was finally finding someone to spend time with
—
and that Stephanie was a great match for him.

“What do you think I’m telling her?” I asked quietly and lowered my eyes.

“Maybe about my
—
” He cleared his throat. “
—h
istory.”

“About you flipping through women like the pages in a book?” I asked, looking back up at him.

“That’s not fair, Sammy.”

“She’s my friend, Max,” I said. “You can’t expect me to stand by and watch her get hurt.”

“How can you say that?” Max asked, his voice getting louder by the second.

I studied him intently. It wasn’t often that Max was truly angry with me, but he seemed to be getting to that point.

“I’m not going to hurt her, Sammy,” he said.

“So then you’re ready to commit to her?” I asked. “You’re ready to plan another date before parting ways?”

Max rubbed his hands slowly along his knees and shook his head. “I’d like to be. I’m trying. Doesn’t that count for anything?”

“Sure it does,” I said and shifted the melting vegetables on my knees.

I looked at Max
—
his beautiful face
—
those bottomless hazel eyes
—
and I remembered something. I might have been harboring a crush on this man for years, but that didn’t change the fact that this was my best friend. He was confiding in me, and all I was thinking about was how soft and sensual his lips looked when he pouted. The realization snapped me out of my state of self-pity. Max had a real chance to be with an amazing woman and I was doing my best to ignore it, instead of giving him good advice.

“Actually, Max, that’s complete crap,” I said as I sat back on the couch.

“Excuse me?” he asked as he looked over at me.

“It doesn’t count at all,” I said firmly. “If you really care about Stephanie, then trying doesn’t count at all. You just have to do it, Max. No more hesitating. No more finding flaws that don’t exist. Stephanie is an amazing and wonderful woman and she shouldn’t be toyed with.”

“Well, that’s a little harsh,” he muttered. “I wouldn’t say that I’m toying with her.”

“What do you call treating a woman so kindly and then ignoring her attempts to get closer to you?” I asked. “Because I call it a bait and switch,” I said with more ice in my voice than I had intended.

Max stared at me, his lips slightly parted, his eyes darkened with hurt. The innocence was gone now. I realized that.

“We’re not kids any more, Max,” I reminded him. “Just because you have a fancy job and a fancy apartment, that doesn’t make you all grown up. You’re not grown up until you’re willing to put yourself on the line for someone else.”

“Listen to you
—
the expert,” he said, sounding slightly bitter.

I held his gaze, not affected by the tone of his voice.

“Yes, maybe I am the expert,” I said. “I know a little bit about waiting for life to happen, instead of making life happen.”

He pursed his lips briefly. “More of that self-help guru BS,” he mumbled.

“Believe what you want,” I said with a shrug. “But don’t come crying to me when Stephanie looks for a guy who has the backbone to tell her what he wants.”

“Hey,” he snapped. “I came over here for a little help, not to get torn apart,” he said, definitely looking angry now.

“But don’t you see, Max?” I said as I patted the frozen vegetables on my knees. “Something getting a little torn apart is exactly what you need.”

“I guess we’ll see about that,” he muttered and wiped a hand across his face.

“Listen, I love our chats,” I said with a groan. “But I’m pretty sure I’m not going to make it to the bed. I’d really like to just curl up on this couch and pass out.”

“It’s okay,” he said with a sigh. “I’ve got some thinking to do.” He reached out and ruffled my hair briefly before letting himself out of the apartment.

As I closed my eyes from exhaustion I was aware that I had just shoved Max right toward Stephanie, but surprisingly, I didn’t regret it.

Chapter 8

By the third morning that I met with Stephanie I was feeling much more on track. When we started off on our light jog I didn’t even get out of breath. I fell into pace with her without having to think about timing my strides. We were halfway around the pond when she began to chat with me.

“I’ve been trying to figure something out,” she said.

“Oh?” I asked and focused on my breath.

“I know that you and Max are friends, so I don’t want to cross a line,” she said, talking effortlessly despite the fact that she was increasing her pace. “I have a really great time with him when we are together and he seems to as well, but when it come to planning the next date, he’s always shrugging it off. Am I doing something wrong?”

I took a big breath. It knocked me off my rhythm and off my pace. Suddenly Stephanie was the same as me. Maybe not in her athletic prowess, but in her level of insecurity. She was as uncertain as I was, despite all that she seemed to have going for her.

“No.” I finally exhaled and quickened my pace. “Max is difficult.”

She fell silent as we both broke into a run. I wasn’t sure if she realized how fast we were going. I didn’t try to slow her down. I felt as if we were running from the same sensation
—
a feeling of not being good enough
—
and it was the same man who inspired it in both of us. I expected to be beside myself with jealousy, but instead I felt a certain sense of bonding and sympathy. Max was an amazing man, until he wasn’t, and when he wasn’t, it was heartbreaking.

Finally I had to slow down. I simply couldn’t keep up. I eased back into a mild jog. It took Stephanie a moment to notice that I had fallen behind. Then she matched my pace.

“What do you mean by difficult?” she asked. “If I shouldn’t be asking you about this, just tell me,” she added quickly.

I felt a pang of guilt for my friendship with Max. I wanted to talk with Stephanie, to share all of Max’s little quirks that made him hard to pin down, but I knew that my loyalty needed to remain with him.

“I just mean that he doesn’t always make the best choices. I think he is a little afraid of certain things,” I said as vaguely as I could.

“Like commitment?” Stephanie laughed and nodded. “That’s pretty clear to me. I even told him the last time that we were together that the only real commitment I saw in his life was his friendship with you.”

I smiled a little. I had never really thought about that as a commitment, but suddenly I realized that it was true.

“He just needs to meet the right person,” I said quietly.

In the past I would have added in my mind that the right person was me
—that
he just didn’t know it yet—but I didn’t feel the need to think that this time. I found myself hoping
—
just a little bit
—
that Stephanie might end up being that right person. If it wasn’t going to be me, at least I could like the person he was with, and Stephanie didn’t seem to be the type to break his heart.

“I guess,” Stephanie said with a frown.

I could tell that she was hoping I would spill a little more. I kept my mouth shut for the rest of our run. As we completed our practice Stephanie reminded me about the marathon the next day.

“No flaking out,” she warned me. “You’ve worked so hard, Samantha. You can do this. I know you can. It might seem scary, but everything does, until you do it,” she said and smiled.

I smiled at her and nodded. “Thanks. I’ll be there.”

I wasn’t sure yet if I was lying or not. I wanted to be there; I just wasn’t convinced that I would be brave enough. Luckily I had the day off, which would give me plenty of time to obsess about it.

I read back over my blog when I got home. I read everything from my first entry to my most recent one. I stared at the message from Blue. I was reminded that I had to finish the marathon. I had to present that picture. I needed to prove to myself
—
and to the few people that read my blog
—
that I was going to do this. It wasn’t just about some silly list for me. It was about how I was going to choose to live the rest of my life.

Single Wide Female, wide open to whatever the world had to offer. That meant showing up and doing my best, even if I did end up falling flat on my face, yet again.

Chapter 9

The morning of the marathon, I wasn’t exactly pumped. I was terrified. I was certain that I would never be able to finish. I was going to embarrass myself. To make matters worse, when Stephanie arrived, Max was with her.

“Are you ready, Sammy?” he asked with a proud smile.

“Sure.” I nodded. “But you know it’s my first marathon, so I’ll just do what I can do,” I said with a mild shrug.

“You’ll do great,” Stephanie insisted.

I bit back my criticism of her prediction skills.

“Let’s line up,” she said.

I followed her to the starting line.

There were well over one hundred people participating. I was eager to get lost in the crowd. I glanced over the other runners, wondering if there might be anyone who would go as slow as me, or might not finish. I noticed with relief that there was a woman who looked to be about in her eighties. Surely she would be left in the back of the pack like me.

When the race started I began a quick jog. Soon many of the other runners were passing me by. Stephanie disappeared almost immediately. I caught glimpses of her between shoulders and hips. I glanced over at the old woman, who had fallen into pace with me. She gave me a smile and then broke into a sprint. She was soon at the front of the pack, and me
—
well, I was fairly certain that there was no one behind me, but I decided not to look.

About a half hour into the race, I was ready to collapse. I had no idea when it would be over, but I was sure it wouldn’t be soon enough.

I no longer thought about the other runners. I didn’t wonder where they were in the race or if there was anyone behind me. I didn’t try to spot Stephanie in the crowd. I only heard the sound of my own shoes striking the pavement beneath me. It sounded like my heartbeat and the throbbing of my muscles. It sounded like my passion being poured out of me. I listened to that sound and let it carry me forward. Even as my legs screamed for rest, I listened to the sound.

I remembered what Blue had said in the comment left on my blog. Just make it to the finish line, snap a picture, and remember it forever. At the time I had been arrogant enough to think that was far too easy for me—that of course I would make it to the finish line. But as the sound of my footfalls filled my mind, I knew that if I didn’t have that request drilling through my mind I would have stopped long ago. I would have given in to my exhaustion. Instead a nameless, faceless, genderless Internet friend gave me the fuel to keep moving forward.

As I plowed forward I wondered how much longer I had to go. I didn’t dare to look up. Instead I focused on the value of every step I took, mostly walking with shorter jogs thrown in for good measure.

All of a sudden I saw the finish line beneath my feet. I hadn’t even looked up to see it. I’d had no idea that I was getting so close. Then there it was, beneath my feet as I crossed it. I heard the cheer of the crowd and looked up with a wide smile. I saw Max with a camera in his hand. He snapped a picture of me and grinned.

“You did it, Sam,” he said with pride in his voice.

I felt my heart swell. I was so happy that I was ready to throw caution to the wind and kiss him. But before I could, Stephanie wrapped her arm around his waist and grinned at me.

“You did amazing, Samantha!” she said in such a nice tone that I couldn’t be angry.

As I saw Max kiss her cheek and pull her close, I knew that I had to back away. I had to let what was blossoming between them come into full bloom. It made me feel sick to my stomach to think of him with her, but it was the reality I was faced with.

At least I had my picture now for Blue.

Someone handed me a paper cup filled with water. I gulped it down. I felt my body ready to give out. I crushed the cup in my hand and tossed it in the nearest trash can.

“I’m going to lie down now,” I announced before flopping down on the ground.