Single Jeopardy (32 page)

I’ve got to hand it to the judge. He keeps his cool and picks up his phone: “no more calls please, we’ve got a winner.” Shortly after the phone hits the hook, two large bailiffs appear and, to Mister Hendricks’ dismay and objections, they rather strongly insist that he follow them back out to the courtroom. Just before he leaves the room, the judge gives him a break. “Mister Hendricks, I didn’t see you practice any law in here, so I’m not turning this matter over to our City Attorney’s office for misdemeanor prosecution, but let’s leave it at my letting you know that I’m not looking forward to ever seeing you in my courtroom again unless you confine yourself to the peanut gallery. And if you don’t believe in drivers’ licenses either, please take a cab back to wherever you came from today.

“
Now, Miss Cook, would you like a continuance of this settlement conference so that you can get a real attorney? Or would you like to continue representing yourself, keeping in mind the old adage about having a fool for a lawyer?” The judge’s reference to representing one’s self is obviously lost on her. She wants to get on with the case right here and now, probably feeling that the sooner it’s over, the sooner she will be declared the victor, and get some money for a new trailer.

Unfortunately, I have something else in mind for her. As easy as it is going to be, it bothers me that I don’t have a real opponent. It’s like a professional baseball team playing the Cubs. Is it really a victory when you win? This dame’s not unlike a lot of other people who are only interested in using our system of justice like a slot machine, not too unlike my own client. I smile at her. “Miss Cook, I have nothing against you personally, but I’d like to point out some things to the court and give you a chance to respond. First of all, the name you filed this suit under, Nancy Cook, is not the same name you’ve always used in the past, on other lawsuits. We have affidavits here from people who have identified you from your photograph as being Nanette Cook, Norma Cook and several other people, all having filed lawsuits in pro per, representing yourself, with the assistance of Mister Hendricks’ make-believe factory. Due to the fact that you’ve acted as your own attorney in all of these matters, I’m going to invoke my client’s rights under section 391b of the California Code of Civil Procedure, which provides that if a person has brought at least five actions other than small claims court suits within the past seven years that can be considered frivolous or unmeritorious by the court, that person can be declared to be a vexatious litigant and be barred from bringing further court actions without procuring the representation of a licensed attorney.

“
Like the courts in general, I don’t like to see matters bounced out without a proper hearing, but you push the limit. These copies of the cases you’ve filed were so far out of touch with reality, that you should be ashamed of yourself. The mere fact that you wound up with settlements as nuisance claims and don’t have any defeats on your record doesn’t really make that much of a difference. I resent the fraudulent way you kept changing your name on the cases, which were no doubt done for the sole purpose of avoiding what we’ve caught you doing. I suggest that you forget about this ridiculous claim of yours and head for the door, and just so there are no hard feelings, I’ve convinced my client to allow you to leave with a small gift.” On cue, Stuart opens the box on his lap and displays a dozen bottles of his weight-loss-nymphomaniac juice. “This stuff must be doing a great job for your weight loss, because if you don’t mind my saying, you really look nice, so why don’t you just take this peace offering and let’s call the matter closed.” She looks at the judge, hoping for some help. None is forthcoming. He is even apologetic.

“
I’m sorry Miss Cook, but there’s nothing I can do for you this time. You’ve pushed your luck a little too far. I don’t see anything criminal that you’ve done, but I sure don’t appreciate you bringing that trained monkey in here with you. I was thinking he wasn’t a real lawyer because his suit fit so well. Please, take the box of love juice and don’t let the doorknob hit you in the rear as you leave.”

She isn’t too happy, but even as those shirtless guys on the “Cops” shows indicate, they can tell when it’s over. They just lie down and wait to get handcuffed. She knew it was over for her when I exposed Mister Hendricks and had him thrown out of the room. The judge is happy, I’m happy, and Stuart is happy. On the way back to the Marina we stop at Pollo Meshuga for some vegetarian burritos and topless Patrón Margaritas.

I get back to the Marina while it ’s still light and notice that Sally the sign painting girl is working on the back of doc’s boat. She’s doing some lettering. I walk back up to the street and down the next dock to see what she’s painting. It’s a new name for doc’s boat. It has now become “the Suzi B.” Just like I was trained, I don’t say anything until a day or so later.

I casually mention to Suzi that it’s not nice to paint your name on other people’s boats without getting their permission. She has her argument all prepared. I feel like I’ve created a monster. She only asks one question: “Would you mind if I painted it on your boat?”

“
That’s a different story. Of course I wouldn’t mind if it was my boat, because then it would be your boat too. But this isn’t my boat, it’s the doc’s boat.” At that point she does her own little ‘thrust ho,’ by handing me a note from the doc.

Peter, you’ve done a great job for us. My sister-in-law Judy and I have become really close and have decided to keep on going around the world on this cruise ship. Rita will be flying in from time to time to visit with us whenever we’re at a place with an airport large enough for one of her planes to land. In the meantime, Suzi’s e-mails make it look like you need a place to stay, so I’ve instructed my business manager to transfer title of my boat over to you and her. It’s the least I can do, and you’ve certainly got it coming as a fee for helping us get the first part of the insurance company’s money. Enjoy.

On the way to her stateroom she gives me a closing remark. “That Grand Banks you blew by not exercising your option to buy it from Stuart was our fee for settling the wrongful death case of his uncle, so it actually belonged to the firm.” I couldn’t argue with that. She is Melvin’s only heir and entitled to his portion of that fee, and the other fees that may be due from Stuart. She’s right again. I’ll never win with this kid, but at least she talked to me again.

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There’s a new collection of locked-room mysteries I’m going to check out of the Marina Library, so I’ve decided to make it a long afternoon walk over there. I estimate that it’s about a mile from the boat and a very scenic trip past the Marina City Club Towers, the Ritz Carlton, some restaurants and the fire station.

My cell phone is securely clipped onto my belt and I’m about half way to my destination and feel a vibration. I must have inadvertently activated the vibrator function on my cell phone, and it’s a good thing that I did, because with the traffic passing by I probably wouldn’t have heard it ringing.

Looking down at the screen I see that it signals a ‘text message’ has been received and can’t help but marvel at this technology. The cell phone, just like the computer and satellite dish were some technical developments that I fought against availing myself of for as long as possible. But once purchased, became part of my existence and it’s now hard to believe how I survived so long without them.

Checking the text message feature, a note from Suzi appears. I scroll through it.

An older grayish-haired man from the big boat on our end tie was here. He left something for you on your bed.

The end tie? That’s where George Clooney’s boat is docked. Is this possible? Could George have actually come to visit me on my boat? The famous George Clooney coming to see prominent attorney Peter Sharp? This is what I’ve been waiting for. Forget about the library, I’m jogging back to the boat. I knew it. He must have appreciated that DVD I left for him to watch and stopped by to thank me in person.

My breath is getting short now. It’s been too long since my last jog. I see our dock now. Ah, here we are. I’m really out of breath, but I made it back and am now going to see what gift George left for me. There it is… a small package on my bed with a note attached. It’s the DVD I left with his skipper. Stuck on the front of the package is a post-it note that says
please stay away from my boat. G.C.

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At least I got his autograph.

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The Peter Sharp Legal Mystery Series

#1:
Single Jeopardy

Attorney Peter Sharp has been wrongfully suspended from the practice of law and thrown out of the house by his soon-to-be ex-wife, a newly appointed deputy district attorney. As a result of the eviction, he’s forced to live in their back yard on an old, poorly wired, 40-foot Chris Craft cabin cruiser he’s restoring, that is in danger of burning up at any time.

To make matters worse, as the result of trying to help someone fill out some claim forms, he gets arrested for conspiracy to defraud an insurance company. His alleged co-conspirator, a man charged with murdering his own wife to be with a beautiful flight attendant, is about to discover that Peter is also sleeping with her while the man is out of town.

As Peter fights to get his law license reinstated, he discovers the secrets behind two murders, a fatal plane crash, and who framed him with the State Bar - all with the help of his legal ward Suzi, an adorable, quiet (at least to Peter) ten-year-old Chinese girl and her huge Saint Bernard.

Peter also gets involved in matters concerning sexual harassment, vexatious litigation, double jeopardy, and a groundbreaking case of
Negligent Nymphomania.

*****

#2:
…By Reason of Sanity

In his second Adventure, Attorney Peter Sharp gets retained to defend a man accused of capital murder. The only things making this case a little harder to defend than most others are that the client’s acts were captured on videotape, he confessed to the police, and he wants to plead guilty. To make matters worse, the District Attorney’s office has brought in a special prosecutor for the trial: Peter’s ex-wife Myra.

While he’s preparing for trial on the murder case, Peter is also hired to represent an insurance company, to defend it against a man who slipped and fell while inside a bank that was coincidentally robbed later that same day. Peter thinks the case would have died when the claimant was murdered, but at usual, he’s wrong.

In this adventure, while Peter is involved representing Vinnie, the prolific, peeing pornographer, he also helps solve several bank robberies by catching the entire gang, and makes the acquaintance of a new friend who runs an autopsy store - all with the help of his legal ward, the adorable ten-year-old Suzi and her huge Saint Bernard.

*****

#3:
A Class Action

In his third Adventure, Attorney Peter Sharp is retained to represent a man accused of murder, by the planting of bombs in vehicles. The client is also suspected of being part of a conspiracy to assassinate the President of the United States in an upcoming Fourth of July parade.

With the assistance of his legal ward Suzi, Peter cracks the case, identifies the real murderer, and at the same time solves the mystery of a dead body found in his friend Stuart's automobile trunk... all while falling for a lesbian lawyer, winning a Will contest, breaking up a stolen car ring 4,000 miles away, and battling with his ex-wife, who has been elected to the office of District Attorney.

In the adventure’s finale, Suzi miraculously manages to get ‘Bernie,’ her huge Saint Bernard into a courtroom, where she makes her first official court appearance, holds her first press conference, and becomes a local television hero.

*****

#4:
Conspiracy of Innocence

Suzi once again saves Peter’s case by finding the connection between two crimes that allegedly took place in different parts of the State, one of which Peter was arrested for. And once again, Peter falls for a woman who he thinks could really ‘be the one’ this time.

Peter’s ex-wife Myra must make the decision as to whether or not she should resign from prosecution of a case in which she may have a conflict of interest – Peter’s murder charge.

Everyone including Peter is sitting on the edge of their chairs as this double murder mystery comes to a shocking conclusion that involves a mafia hit man, revengeful drug dealers, a local police chief, and the ever-popular FBI.

*****

#5:
…Until Proven Innocent

Tony Edwards, A dock neighbor of Peter’s, is charged with murder. Unfortunately, he is a suspended police officer with a known dislike for people who are the color of his alleged victim. He’s also the subject of many citizen complaints for using excessive force in the minority community.

At Suzi’s request, Tony has taught her how to help him re-load his target practice ammunition, also giving the little girl a basic course in ballistics.

When a local black movie producer who Tony was working for gets killed, Suzi and talks Peter into handling Tony’s defense… which doesn’t look too good because he was arrested at the scene of the murder with his gun still smoking.

Along the way, Peter once again gets involved with who he thinks might be ‘Miss Right,’ represents a 500-pound woman who is being discriminated against, uncovers a white supremist militant organization, and also stumbles onto a group of people who are pirating DVD copies of recently released major motion pictures.