Sincerely, Carter (27 page)

I needed to think long and hard about everything before I sent him any more correspondence…

Track 24. Half of My Heart (4:15)

Subject: Phone Update.

Dear Carter,

I tried calling you earlier, but the static in my flat is so bad that the call never went completely through…I’m actually typing this email from an internet café in town since the internet in my flat is even worse.

Anyway, our program is about to kick into even higher gear than before, and even though I have a charger now, I’ll have little time to take breaks during the week to talk.

I just want you to know that I’m not avoiding or ignoring you.

I hope you are well, and I’ll do my best to send you physical letters as much as I can…

Also, thank you for mailing me those tins of waffle batter from Gayle’s. I truly appreciate it.

Looking forward to talking to you when I get a break.

Sincerely,

Arizona

Eighty percent of that email was a lie.

My flat had perfect internet. My phone service, even better.

And I was ahead in all my classes so I had ample time to take breaks. The only thing that was true was my appreciation for the waffle batter; I’d made half of it the first week I received it.

I hit send on my lie-filled email to Carter and changed my email settings, making sure that any future messages from him would go directly into my spam folder.

I’d still been crying myself to sleep every night, no matter how hard I tried not to. In class, I was poised and focused—eager to soak up anything that would take my mind off of ‘not in that way,’ but once I was left alone, without structures and rigorous lessons, I fell apart.

Several times, I even tried to respond to one of his handwritten letters, but the only words that came out were curse words.

Even worse, I felt like the two of us were so fucking close that I had nobody else I could talk to about this. He was literally all I had.

I started to log off the internet, but I saw Nicole’s “online” symbol light up in my video chat sidebar and clicked “connect” without thinking twice.

The screen read “connecting soon” and within minutes her face appeared on my screen.

“Well, hey there, stranger!” She smiled.

“Hey…” I managed.

“I’ve been trying to connect with you for the longest! I didn’t even know you’d left so soon until I heard it from Carter…You could’ve at least said goodbye.”

I stared blankly at her.

“Ari?” She asked, looking confused. “Ari, why are you looking like that? Can you hear me?”

“Yes…Yes, I can hear you.”

“Okay, then.” She smiled again. “Well, how are you? How’s France? How are you holding up without Gayle’s and having your BFF around all the time?”

I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“I slept with Carter…” I burst into tears and my chest heaved up and down. “I slept with him damn near every day after the EPIC party…”

Her jaw dropped.

“I didn’t think it was ‘just sex’ though,” I continued, feeling the tears fall nonstop. “I thought I was falling in love with him because I thought...I thought he was…” My next words came out muddled and I shook my head. “I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, and I can’t even think straight anymore…”

“It took so much out of me to finally tell him that I was in love with him, and I honestly thought he would say that he loved me back…But he said, ‘I love you, but
not
in that way’…He said that in his eyes, we were just friends. That the sex didn’t mean anything more…”

Nicole looked completely shocked, dumbfounded, and I didn’t stop talking. I couldn’t.

“I’ve been crying every day since I got here, Nicole. Every. Fucking. Day. On the one hand, I’ve cried because of the situation, because it hurts not to be loved back. But on the other, it’s because I really
really
want to talk to him, you know?”

“
Awww, Ari
…”

“I want to tell him about the stuff I’ve seen, tell him he should come up so I can give him a tour of what little I know and…” I wiped my face on my sleeve. “But I can’t just be his friend anymore, not right now anyway. I can’t talk to him like we used to because I don’t want him thinking I’m okay. I am NOT okay, and I will not pretend like I am…”

Nicole was silent for a long time—her eyes meeting mine, waiting for me to give her a look that said it was okay for her to speak.

“Ari, I’m so sorry…” She paused. “Actually, before I address any of what you just said, I want to apologize to you for something I did.”

I raised my eyebrow, confused.

“It hit me last week when your phone kept going to voicemail or when you hadn’t answered in a long time that I was a terrible friend to you. I was too busy chasing guys that never lasted for more than a few nights at a time, instead of being there for you…I was in the middle of sending you an email that said all of this stuff tonight, but I really do want to do better now and in the future.”

“Thank you…”

“As far as Carter…” she said. “I need to get to the most important question out of the way…”

“What question is that?”

“How big is his cock?” She asked, deadpan, and I laughed for the first time in what felt like forever.

“It’s big...
Huge
, actually.”

“I knew it…” She fanned herself and bit her lip. “Lucky you. Anyway, you don’t have to talk to him until you’re ready. He’ll just have to understand. Whenever you do talk to him, though, you have to be honest and tell him everything and how he made you feel. You have to also be willing to accept that you two may not be able to be friends again. At least, not for a while.”

“Yeah…” My heart ached at the very thought. “That’s what hurts the most to think about…”

“If it makes you feel any better, I ran into him last weekend at a party and he looked absolutely miserable.”

“Why do you think that would make me feel better?”

“I just thought it would.” She shrugged. “He barely spoke to anyone and whenever a girl tried to dance with him, he walked away. Hell, when I told my friend that I was going to go talk to him, she told me to brace myself to be ignored or told to fuck off…He may actually feel the same way you do, and I’m willing to bet that he probably does love you in that way…”

“If he did, wouldn’t he tell me? Wouldn’t he write it in one of his letters since I’m currently avoiding his calls and emails?”

“Maybe.” She shrugged. “Or maybe, just maybe, he’s just as stubborn as you are…You are best friends for a reason.”

“We
were
best friends for a reason. I hate him now.”

“Ha!” She tilted her head to the side, laughing. “I’m sorry for laughing, but…Whether you talk to him this year or next year, it won’t change the fact that you love him. You could never truly hate him.”

“That’s not true. You should’ve seen us in fourth grade.”

“Is that so?” She was still laughing. “Something tells me you might’ve loved each other even then.”

I shook my head, but I couldn’t help but laugh with her.

Feeling slightly better, I steered the conversation away from Carter and asked about her life—attempting to pick up where we left off before.

She told me she was taking time off to study for the GMATs so she could go to grad school next year, and that she hadn’t had a date in a while and was surprisingly enjoying the “studious life.”

When we were done laughing about the sexual disaster that led to her hiatus, she promised to call me next week and we hung up.

I logged off of Skype and smiled. Shutting my laptop, I leaned over to turn off my lamp, but my roommate walked into my room and hit the main light switch.

“Okay, so…” she said. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I overheard most of your conversation with your friend from back home, and I think I actually like you now. You’re not a bitch at all.” She raised two coffee mugs. “Tea?”

Track 25. Come Back…Be Here (2:58)

I refreshed my email inbox again and again, hoping for a reply, knowing there wouldn’t be one.

I was sitting in a booth at The Book Bar, pretending to listen to my much older cousin, Sam. He was the only person in my shattered family that I talked to every now and then. He’d been there when I lost my father, when my mom walked away, and he’d made sure to come visit me at least twice a year, no matter how hectic his schedule was.

We’d been sitting in our booth for over an hour, though, and the only thing I’d paid attention to was our first hello. Everything after that was a blur.

“Carter?” He waved his hand in front of my face, getting my attention. “Are you in there? Are you listening?”

“Barely…My apologies. What were you saying?”

“Nothing.” He shook his head. “But now that I have your attention, I think you need to get laid. How long has it been?”

“Who knows? Every day seems to be blending together these days.”

“I warned you about law school, told you it was a kill-joy.”

“Aren’t
you
a lawyer?”

“We’re all lawyers.” He laughed. “I’m sure your dad is proud and looking down on you from above. He’s probably beating his chest and yelling, ‘That’s my boy! The James’ pride! The James’ blood!’”

“My dad was so full of shit sometimes.”

“He was.” He sipped his beer. “What’s the real reason you’re looking like ass though? Usually when I come to see you, we go out and party. We haven’t done shit so far, but hang out on the beach and drink.”

“That sounds
so unfortunate
…”

“It is for someone like you. What’s up? Please don’t make me guess.”

“You can try if you like.”

“Okay, cool.” He ordered another round of beers. “You don’t really want to be a lawyer. You want to backpack across the world and shoot exotic porn for a living?”

“
What
? No…Law school is fine. I’m flying straight through it.”

“Just checking.” He laughed. “Okay, no wait. I’ve got it. Another girl dumped you for being an asshole?”

“Shockingly, no.”

“Okay then… Another girl dumped you for talking to Arizona too much?”

My jaw clenched at the sound of Ari’s name.

“
Again
, Carter?” He shook his head. “How many times are you going to keep making that mistake? The two of you really do talk way too much.”

“That’s not it.” I signaled to the bartender for another drink.

“Well, if that’s not it…What is it?”

“You said you were guessing.”

“Right, um…I don’t know, man. What, is Arizona mad at you about something?”

I nodded.

“Okay, so?” He laughed. “It’s
Arizona
. She’ll get over whatever it is eventually, I’m sure. It’s not like you slept with her.”

I said nothing.

His eyes met mine and he damn near choked on his beer. “Holy shit. You had sex with Ari?”

I didn’t answer.

“You slept together, didn’t you? Didn’t you?”

“You do realize that you’re asking the same exact question back to back, correct?”

“It’s a habit of a courtroom lawyer.” He slid me one of his beers and opened a new tab. “Anyway, when did this happen? Like, when did it start?”

“A few months ago.”

“Hmmm.” He shook his head. “Well, I honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but…I’m only surprised that it took you two this long to do it.”

I glared at him. “You’re not helping.”

“I’m not here to help. I’m here to use you as a wingman and have fun. You’re not helping with
that
…”

I raised my hand for another drink.

“Did you two only have sex once?” he asked.

“More than once,” I said.
Way more than once…

“There were no ‘I finally see the light’ or ‘I love you’s at the end?”

“No…”

“Why not?” He sipped his beer.

“I had my reasons…”

“Your
reasons
? Please. If it were anyone else, I might be able to swallow that. But you two?” He shook his head. “You’re both too stupid to realize that you’ve been in love with each other your entire lives.”

I gave him a blank stare.

“You don’t believe me?” he asked.

“I don’t have to. I’m pretty sure if I was in love with her for my entire life, I would’ve never dated anyone else…”

“One,” he said, counting off on his fingers. “In sixth grade, she threw a birthday party and you were the only one who came.”