Silent (41 page)

“He’s not a trained monkey about to perform a trick,” I put in after a few moments. “Jesus. Why don’t you give him some space?”

Pam narrowed her eyes on me. “Alex, your social worker suggested you might be able to help during this process, not hinder it.”

“What? I didn’t…I’m not—” I began, before again giving up. This lady obviously didn’t like me, and I doubted there’d be much I could say to change her mind. “Look, could I maybe take him down to see my place? So he knows I’m nearby? It might make him more comfortable.”

That wasn’t my real motive, of course. With any luck, Carlos would’ve found a more exciting place to spend a Saturday, and I’d have the room to myself.

“That resident counselor lady will be there.” I pressed on. “Jessica, right? So, uh…you know. All supervised and stuff.”

Pam rested her hands on her hips. “I suppose that might be a good idea.”

“Great!” I leapt up, pulling Seb by his shirtsleeve.

“Yes, it’ll be a nice walk. I could use the fresh air,” Pam responded cheerily.

If she didn’t like me, I hoped she knew the feeling was mutual.

It only took about fifteen minutes to walk back, at a leisurely pace. Since Seb was as quiet as always, Pam quizzed me on the way down. Mostly about myself—what subjects I liked in school, and what hobbies I was into. She received short, one-word answers, and not just because I was annoyed with her presence. I really hadn’t worked out my life yet…beyond the fact that it was going to involve Seb.

A few times, I thought I felt his fingers grazing mine, like he was expecting to hold my hand. I didn’t reach for it, though. Even if Pam did know what was going on between us, there were more factors to take into consideration. Santa Monica and Suzie were one thing—in the first case no one knew us, and in the second, it was Suzie’s
job
to help us, no matter what our sexual interests were. But if I was starting a normal, school-five-days-a-week kind of life again, things would be different. If I made the decision to step out of the closet with Seb, I might not even get the chance to figure out what kind of person I was going to be here. I’d be labeled and categorized automatically. I’d be
gay
Alex.

It was a lot to think about.

“Here it is.” I pointed to the large one-story building for Seb. It was white like the little cottages at the main facility, but nothing really caused it to stand out from the other houses on the residential street. “Maybe you’ll be able to move out to one of these group homes pretty soon, huh? I heard there’s a couple around here.”

Pam didn’t say anything, but I saw the doubt in her eyes.

I led him inside and down the narrow hallway to the bedrooms. As I’d expected, the place seemed mostly empty…except for my room, of course.

Carlos was still at the desk, and still on his computer. He glanced up with mild interest as we entered, looking a little less flaming this afternoon in a pair of straight-leg jeans and a tight blue t-shirt.

I clenched my hands in frustration, though it didn’t really matter since Pam the Watchdog was still with us.

“That’s my roommate, Carlos, and that’s my bunk—the bottom one. I always get stuck on the bottom.”

Seb’s eyes grew bright for a moment with silent laughter, and I rolled mine in response. Pam only saw my face, of course, and frowned. She paused in the doorway as Seb hunched over to sit on the edge of my mattress. I stayed standing.

Carlos took out his ear buds. “Are we getting another new person? I didn’t think there were any more rooms.”

“No,” Pam answered. “Sebastian lives up on the grounds. He and Alex are friends, so they’re just having a little visit.”

I jerked a thumb at Carlos. “Seb, Carlos. Carlos, Seb.” And then I held my breath and waited, hoping Seb would at least give him a nod of recognition.

He didn’t.

Carlos raised one delicate brow—a plucked one, I realized. “Oh. He’s, uh…oh.”

Pam shot him a stern look, and he just shrugged.

I wasn’t sure what to do. Did I need to start cheerleading for Seb to be more expressive? I considered it, for a moment—considered begging him to shake Carlos’ hand, asking him
pretty please
, or encouraging him with a
you can do it!
But somehow that seemed a little too close to how Pam had spoken to him earlier…a little too much like he was a special kid who needed to be babied.

And my Seb wasn’t a baby.

“So…uh…yeah, it’s cool we’re gonna be close like this. And Suzie said I’d be able to go up there all the time, to use the basketball court or the pool or whatever. We’ll be able to, uh, hang out.”

I continued to watch Seb closely. He stared back, and it took me a few moments to recognize
he
was also watching
me.
He was studying my behavior the same way I was studying his—noticing the little twitches as I drew my hand through my hair, picking up on the tone of my voice and the words I chose. Using those silent skills of observation that had led him to figure me out before I had figured out myself.

So what would he realize from his inspection?

That I was too nervous to sit next to him and be open about our relationship in front of a counselor and my obviously gay roommate. That I was one person when I was with him, and another when we were faced with a social situation. That I was still hiding who I really was.

Not exactly the best role model.

“Hungry yet, Sebastian?” Pamela stepped into the quiet. “We could go to the kitchen here and make some sandwiches, if you like. What do you say? You want to give the whiteboard another try?”

She’d brought it along, and again placed it in Seb’s lap. He didn’t even lift a hand to grasp it.

Crap.

“Do you?” I put in meekly. Even Carlos recognized how pathetic I sounded, and gave me a weird look.

Seb’s dark eyes kept searing into me. I couldn’t read much from the rest of his face, but there was a hint of something questioning in his steady gaze.
Well, Alex? What do you want?

Not what did I want for lunch…but what did I want for
me.

Decision time.

Old Alex should’ve been a more comfortable skin—something I could slip into with ease—but right now in this room it didn’t feel that way. In fact, it was a little like those damn shoes that had changed my life. They’d been worn in all the right places, but I’d still outgrown them.

Gay Alex would probably face a lot of challenges, but so had old Alex. And while old Alex might’ve been content, he’d never been wildly happy. But what really sealed the deal was that I had one huge advantage over old Alex. I had Seb, and all the love Seb offered.

And love was something old Alex had never really gotten enough of.

My resolve strengthened by Seb’s powerful eyes, I crossed the distance between us in two purposeful strides and sat next to him, lacing his fingers with mine. Then I shut out the rest of the room, so the only thing in my field of vision was his beautiful face.

“Seb, listen…you know I love our time together when we’re alone. You
know
I love it.”

His lips twitched in a quick smirk.

“But…I want you
here
…with me…all of the time. Even when there are other people around. ’Cause I’m just selfish like that.”

I should’ve added that I’d like him to be more present when I
wasn’t
around, too, but that selfishness I spoke of wasn’t just a joke. I guess I did still want him to need me, in some way.

“Besides, you’re an awesome person, and you really shouldn’t deprive the world of you,” I finished. And before I could overthink the move, I closed in for a very chaste but still square-on-the-lips kiss.

His brows lifted in surprise as I pulled away.
So that’s how it’s gonna be?

“That’s how it’s gonna be. No more hiding.”

For either of us.

He gave me a slow, dazed nod.
Okay then.

“Yeah.” I kissed him again. “It is okay.”

Pamela let out a sigh, ending my Seb tunnel-vision. I thought she might’ve been angry about the kissing, but she was smiling. “I guess your social worker was right about you, Alex. Thank you.”

Carlos was resting his small, pointy chin in his hands, leaning over on his desk and gawking at us. “Just my luck. I get a hot gay roommate, and he’s already taken.”

I caught my reflection in the closet door mirror as my skin went crimson. “You…you think I’m hot?”

Seb’s hand tightened around mine and his eyes narrowed.
Watch it. You’re mine.

Carlos grinned. “Oh, and just so you know, you don’t have to worry about any Jesus freaks in this house. Everyone’s really cool.”

Which meant of course I
would
have to worry at some point, but not even that undercurrent of reality could take away from the warmth in my heart as Seb’s thumb traced my knuckles.

“All right then, boys, now I really am starving. Should we head to the kitchen?” Pamela asked.

Seb shook his head.

She smiled like he’d just popped a bottle of champagne after dropping rose petals at her feet. “No? Maybe back to the dining hall then? They do have a wider food selection.”

He shook his head again.

Now her brows wrinkled in concern. “You’re still not hungry? You barely even touched your dinner yesterday.”

Seb started to shake his head yet again, but this time in a
that’s not what I meant
kind of way. He picked up the whiteboard and worked diligently for a few seconds, holding it against his chest so not even I could see.

When he flipped it around, there was a picture of a big fat hamburger on it, complete with cheese and lettuce hanging out the sides and poppy seeds on the bun. And underneath that, spelled to perfection, he’d written:

McDonald’s.

I almost let out a victorious cry, all charged up to celebrate Seb’s accomplishment. But then I remembered I didn’t want something like this to be an
accomplishment.
I wanted it to be a part of our everyday lives.

So I wrapped my arm around his shoulder and looked up at Pam. “Yup. What he said.”

~*~

“I’m out for a bit, man. You go ahead.” I tapped a chubby black-haired kid who was waiting on the sidelines. He might’ve been one of Seb’s housemates, but I’d been too wrapped up in Seb to learn everyone’s names these past few weeks.

The boy trotted off eagerly, joining the basketball game that was already underway. I wasn’t really tired, but basketball still wasn’t my sport. Besides, I’d thought of a better way to pass the warm spring afternoon.

Settling myself on a grassy hillside, I wrapped my arms around my knees and squinted into the sunlight. Any damage to my eyes was worth the view. Seb had taken his shirt off and thrown it carelessly on the court bench before jumping back into the game. Sweat trails danced further down his chest with each bounce of the ball, outlining his pecs and firm stomach. He faked left and then shot out to the right, springing to his toes to make the basket.

Of course, he’d needed only a basic introduction to the rules of basketball before he proved to be a natural. Far better than I was, anyway.

He grinned at me, all flushed and glossy with sweat, and I made sure to nod approvingly. It was hard to be jealous of his athletic abilities when I got to reap the benefits of that body.

Although, I could do with a little more reaping.

I was going to have to work on that—figuring out some time for us to be alone. Maybe they’d let us go on a picnic? We could find a spot of land, away from all these pesky prying eyes. Some place where I could hold him against my chest again, run my hands over his skin. Remind him of how much I loved him. Kiss him, maybe even…

Something large and gray suddenly blocked my view of Seb—Suzie, back in one of her old boring suits.

She just loved to piss on my parades.

“Hello, Alex. I was hoping I’d find you out here.”

I shifted, hiding the signs of my growing appreciation for Seb on the basketball court—and Seb in my fantasies. “Hey. I hope you’re not here to tell me I gotta move to a new placement or something.”

“No, I’m not.” She gave me an amused smile. “So you can relax.”

“Shit.” I puffed out a breath. “That’s good. Hell, I wish I’d known all it took to get to stay here with Seb was running away. Pretty ironic, right? Wouldn’t it have been easier just to skip that middle step and put me over here in the first place?”

Suzie shook her head and barely managed to stop her eyes from a roll. “Hill View is intended as a home for special needs and emotionally-challenged children. I can make recommendations, but I don’t get to place people here at my will.”

“Oh. Right. I guess I qualify as one of those troubled kids now.”

She surprised me by dropping down to the ground, tucking her legs under her and smoothing her knee-length skirt so it covered as much as possible. “Somehow, I think you’re less troubled than you used to be.”

I grunted. “Then maybe you can tell me why you decided to blab me and Seb’s personal business all over this place?”

“I did not
blab
, Alex. I told the people who would need to know about your relationship while you are under Hill View’s care.”

“But Pam and the rest of her goons…they never let us be alone. My place is like a mile away from his. And he still has to go to those special classes even though he’s not
special
like that, so we can’t even have school together…”

“Alex, you know Sebastian has a lot of catching up to do, education-wise. And he will need counseling and therapy, probably for many years.”

“I know,” I grumbled, coloring slightly at my bratty behavior. “It’s just that—”

“And you remember the other thing I told you. The two of you are still young. You shouldn’t force all the growing up to happen so fast—including those things that should be part of an adult relationship.”

“Right. Because childhood has been such a blast, I’d just love to draw that out a little longer.”

Suzie actually grinned. Seemed like my smartass comments weren’t getting to her anymore. I guess she’d figured out they were just a part of my front.