Silencing Joy (8 page)

“Huh? I don’t get it,” he said.

“You’ve never seen Grizzly Adams?” I asked
dumbfounded. “It’s on the retro channel.”

“Nope. Never seen it.”

“Really?” I said shocked. “Well, it’s about a
guy who lives in a log cabin in the woods. He’s got a thick beard,
and his friend is an Indian? He lives with a grizzly bear? Not
ringing any bells?” I gestured with my hands in disbelief that he
had never seen it.

“Nope. That sounds dangerous, though,” he
said sarcastically.

“Yes, and working for the FBI isn’t
dangerous,” I quipped back acerbically. “Anyway, he was convicted
of a crime he didn’t commit, so he went off to live in the woods by
himself.”

“How is he living by himself? You just said
he was friends with an Indian and had a grizzly bear.”

“That was after... Geesh, keep up.”

Will poked the fire with one of the metal
tools on the hearth. “Ben is awesome. He protects Grizzly
Adams...”

Will cut me off. “The Indian’s name is Ben?”
he asked curiously.

“No!” I said in exasperation. “Ben is the
bear!”

“You watch some fucked up shows.” He shook
his head laughing.

“I don’t have a ton of friends. Basically, I
go to school, take pictures, and watch reruns.”

Will glanced up at me from his busy man-work,
attending to the fire. I knew his question before he even asked
it.

“Why don’t you have a lot of friends?”

“I knew you were going to ask me that,” I
responded. “Since high school, I just don’t really trust people.
That’s all. Jen has been my only true friend. It’s not that I don’t
have people I’m friendly with; I kind of just choose to be on my
own.”

I thought that Will was going to pursue the
line of questioning in this conversation, but he didn’t. We both
became quiet. There was an easy silence in the room. I usually
found silences awkward, but, with Will, I was finding them
easier.

“I’m going to sleep down here on the couch,”
Will said. “That way I can keep an eye on the fire.”

I got up and headed for the stairs. When I
got to the catwalk, I observed Will over the railing, spreading a
blanket on the couch.

“Good night,” I called out to him.

“Night, Joy.” He didn’t look up at me.

Derek and Kara:

September 22
^nd
Three
weeks earlier

The next few weeks passed typically the same way.
Kara would just sit and draw. Derek would try to start a
conversation with her, but she would only give one-word answers.
Derek looked forward to math for the first time in his life.

Kara noticed Derek from day one of math class. It
scared her when he sat down in the chair next to her. What she knew
of him was not good. He was a troublemaker and stayed back
who-knew-how-many times. The rumors buzzed that he was in a gang
with Tommy and other druggies. He was really good looking,
though...almost pretty. Sandy-colored hair, tall, and a serious
“don't mess with me” attitude.

In spite of all the rumors about Derek that floated
through the school, he was never anything other than nice to her.
Every day he would talk with her before class or make funny
comments during classwork. She barely made eye contact with him.
She was just too embarrassed around him.

Kara's hands shook every time he talked to her. A
couple of times, she saw him in the hallway, but she would turn the
other way or duck into a classroom.

One day in September during study hall, she was
actually having a little daydream about him. Nothing that would
make her blush, just sweet dreams of having him as a boyfriend. She
wondered where he'd take her, what they would talk about, would he
kiss her goodnight? Kara was lost in her thoughts and suddenly
Derek was standing in front of the room talking to the study hall
monitor. They both looked over at her. Derek smiled at her. The
monitor called her name.

“
Kara Matthews?”

She stood without thinking and picked up her books.
She walked to the monitor and took the little piece of paper he
held out.

“
The office needs to see you.”

Kara started for the door and could feel Derek
walking right behind her. She was hyperaware of Derek’s presence.
She seemed to sense him whenever he was around.

When they got outside into the hallway, Derek touched
her elbow to get her attention.

“
Kara?”

Slowly, she turned towards him. She saw something
unexpected in his eyes. No one ever looked at her like that. He
gazed at her like he wanted to gobble her up. Kara had observed
this look guys sometimes got before, but she was never the
recipient. It was always someone else. Kara did a lot of people
watching.

“
Kara, I wanted to talk to you.” Derek
said.

“
Why?” she asks.

He pauses, not able to come up with an immediate
answer.

“
Umm... I just...I thought...maybe...we could hang
out or something.”

In the morning, I got up; ready to face the
crazy, scary new world I was living in. I decided I had to just
suck it up. I had to become
one
with the uncomfortable
newness of living in the middle of nowhere without Jen or school.
At the very least, I had my camera, and I was staying in a place
that I could take pictures of for many years to come.

I showered. The water was warm, and I melted
into it. I washed my hair and brushed my teeth all with renewed
purpose. I put on some jeans and a long sleeve shirt because it was
a cool morning. I dried my hair with the government issued hair
dryer, courtesy of
the government.

Will came in the bathroom.

“Hey! What if I wasn’t dressed!?” I
reprimanded over the hum of the dryer.

Will didn’t say anything, but he had a weird
look on his face. His eyes were open wide, and he got in my face
with childish impoliteness.

“Staring contest,” he deadpanned. He stared
goofily straight into my eyes and tried to hold my gaze. Of course,
I looked away.

“You lose!” he shouted victoriously.
“Swimming lessons are after lunch.”

“No way! There were no guidelines or rules.
AND we did not determine what I win!” I clicked off the hair dryer.
“That is cheating, Mr. Harrison.”

“That’s not cheating,” he dismissed me.
“Staring is staring. I was staring and you looked away, case
closed.”

“I was not prepared, nor was I notified that
such contest was to take place at this moment. An appointed time
and proper preparation was needed. I believe that any judge in the
United States would rule in my favor. You cheated.”

I brushed my long hair with a brush I brought
from home, even though there were plenty of brushes supplied by the
government to pick from. All of the drawers were stock full of
supplies.

“That is a severe accusation, Ms. Tilden. I
believe that I overrule you.”

I gathered all my hair into my hands,
fashioning it into a ponytail. I secured it with a scrunchy I had
brought.

“You are incorrect. I will not subject myself
to swimming lessons when a fair staring contest did not take
place.”

“Well, Ms. Tilden, then be forewarned that a
new contest will take place. Staring is not the object though. It
shall be tickling!”

Will’s hands whipped out to tickle my waist,
and I took off running, dodging his grasp. I zipped to the
staircase and barreled down like a herd of elephants. I dashed into
the kitchen and grabbed a large plastic spoon to defend myself
with. I bent my knees and crouched with the spoon held high like a
warrior princess. Will approached me, slowing, and I spun the spoon
in front of me like a baton, warning him off.

“Your means of tormenting witnesses are
treasonous, and I will fight back with whatever means I can.”

“You cannot evade me for long Ms. Tilden.
Mwahahaha...” Will joked and laughed maniacally.

“When does this
charade-of-silliness
end?” I asked, ready to jab him with my spoon if necessary. “I’m
ready for breakfast.”

Will lowered his hands and smiled at me.
“Hunger wins over justice!” he shouted and headed for the freezer.
“Eggo waffles?” he asked.

“Sounds good.”

I lowered my plastic weapon and tossed it on
the counter. Will put waffles in the toaster while I got out two
plates and two cups. I set the table and then decide to make
concentrated orange juice in a pitcher I found in the cupboard by
the sink. I filled the pitcher with tap water and open the can,
stirring it with my plastic spoon – AKA, the feeble weapon. When
the waffles were done, Will placed syrup and butter on the table. I
continued to stir until the frozen orange juice glob dissolved. I
pour it into the cups I placed on the table earlier.

We sat down to waffles and juice. Will
watched closely as I smeared butter all over my waffles.

“Are you making sure that there is butter in
every little square?” Will asked me, chuckling.

My butter knife paused in mid-swipe, and I
looked up from my task. “Huh?”

“You are working very hard spreading butter.
If you concentrated that hard on learning to swim, you might be an
Olympic champion by the end of the day.”

“Stop with the swimming thing...” I said
blankly and continued to prepare my waffles. “It’s getting
ridiculous.”

“Come on...Let’s go in the water again.”

“Nope.”

“Please,” Will whined.

I peeked up from my waffles to see he had
puppy dog eyes...or his lame attempt at puppy dog eyes, anyway.

“All right,” I huffed, conceding.

After eating, we did the dishes together and
put everything away. I wiped the counter down with a sponge.

“It’s time,” Will sing-songed, and I grimaced
at him.

“I’ll go get a suit on,” I muttered
miserably.

“Or we could go au natural...” Will offered
mischievously as he waggled his eyebrows at me.

“Yeah, right. You can, but I’m putting on a
suit.”

I put the sponge down and headed for the
stairs. Going to my room, I pulled out the one-piece I wore
yesterday.

“Hurry up!” Will yelled from downstairs.

“I just got up here!” I yelled back. “Geesh,
keep your pants on!”

“Do you really want me to respond to that?”
Will called back suggestively.

I stomped down to the water, and it was just
as embarrassing today as it was yesterday. I stripped down out of
my sweat suit on the dock. Will stood in a shallower part of the
lake with the water lapping at his chest, waiting for me.

“Ugh...It’s cold.”

“The water isn’t,” Will countered.

I sat down on the dock and slipped my feet
into the water. It sent a shiver through me because it was chilly.
I snatched my feet out quickly.

“You said it’s not cold. It’s freezing.”

“Don’t be dramatic. Come on.”

I slipped down into the cold water, and Will
sloshed over to me. He gripped my arm and pulled it off the wooden
plank I was holding. I quickly looked away from his gaze. He was
right...I did have trouble looking him in the eye.

Will put his hand under my chin, and I
shivered from his touch. He tilted my head towards him and, with my
face to him, my eyes wandered away in mortification.

Will smiled knowingly and changed to
special-agent swim teacher
.

“Let’s do some strokes right here. Move your
arms like this.” He showed me and encouraged me to copy him.

I did, feeling stupid.

“Now hold on to the dock and kick your
feet.”

I leaned back and grasped behind me. I kicked
out and moved my legs. Will reached for me, and I flinched, and
automatically drop my legs.

“Keep going,” he said. “Legs stiffer.”

I kicked out again and focused on keeping my
legs horizontal. Will touched my legs, but I kept going, swishing
and kicking in the water. He gently repositioned my legs.

“Like this,” he said watching me. “Better,”
he encouraged.

I felt completely stupid. Here I was, an
adult learning to swim with a gorgeous guy standing over me giving
me directions. I analyzed the situation and gathered that I didn’t
like the focus of attention on me. That was really the crux of it,
if you were going to boil it down to its root.

I kept kicking as Will took me out into the
deeper water. He towed me while I tried to put together everything
he had taught me.

“Good. You are doing really well,” Will
praised.

I concentrated on my movements and on the
water. Without me even realizing it, Will had let go. I watch the
water with its small ripples and cool sloshing. My feet and arms
moved succinctly.
I was swimming!

“I’m doing it,” I commented softly.

“Yes. You are.”

Will swam back to me and scooped me into his
arms. His skin was chilly, but that was not what made me tremble.
It was his closeness, the way he looked at me with dark eyes. He
ran his wet fingers along my arm, up my shoulder, and across my
neck. I closed my eyes, savoring his touches. It stopped. I opened
my eyes to see he had backed away.

“Let’s head back in. I think you definitely
have the gist of swimming,” Will said, and he helped me back to the
dock.

“Thank you,” I told him quietly.

“No problem. You’re a natural,” he
responded.

At the cabin, I showered again. Will waited
for me to finish, then went to shower, too. I left my hair damp and
headed down to the computer by the kitchen.

I took my camera and cords over to it,
pressing the power button to boot it up. A government message
popped up. A text box requiring a code floated in the middle of the
screen.

“Will!” I yelled. “I need the password for
this computer.”

He called down to me from upstairs,
“ABC123.”

Was he kidding? Wow, that’s really high
tech.
I typed in the code and got onto Windows. I plugged my
camera in to load, then went into the kitchen to get some crackers.
It was getting close to suppertime; I was getting hungry.