Silence (3 page)

I know all my lines. Hit every note. I feel like I am outside myself and inside myself all at the same time. Emerson sneaks into the auditorium to watch. She sits in the middle of the theater with her freshman friends. Waves at me. It makes me happy to know she is there.

Today, Kace and I will kiss on stage for the first time. Before now, we have just marked it. This is Maria and Tony’s first kiss. The one that declares their love for each other. The kiss that changes everything.

This won’t be my first stage kiss. I’ve been in
Beauty and the Beast
and
Hairspray.
I’ve had to pretend kiss before. It’s like pretend holding hands, like walking and talking in character. It doesn’t mean anything. This I know. But I’ve never real kissed. Not where it means something—everything.

So when Kace leans in to kiss me, I force my mind blank. I am Maria. Not Stella. This means nothing to me. It is like walking and talking. I am playing a role. I am Maria, he is Tony. I expect to feel nothing. Only his kiss surprises me. It isn’t nothing. His kiss is soft and gentle. Sweet.

He watches me as we break apart at the exact same moment, as we have been directed. But I notice that his forest-colored eyes have ribbons of gold running through them, and that his hand lingers on mine for a second longer than necessary. I don’t have time to think about it, though, because I have to finish the scene. I click into performance mode and am Maria once again.

Before I know it, I am singing my last song. The first piece Hayden ever played for me. Kace lies on the floor. Still. Silent. I kneel beside him, and I fill the song with Maria’s despair. Her love for Tony. Her grief. Tears fall from my eyes as I hold my last note. And then the curtain drops.

A wide grin breaks out over Kace’s face. He opens his eyes. Looks right at me. Nods his approval. I meet his smile with one of my own. I have earned my place here, I know that now. A wave of confidence rushes through me, grounding me and giving me strength. Adrenaline sends tingles through my body—the after-shocks of performance. I can’t think straight. I am half Maria and half Stella. Not quite myself.

The cast begins rushing to the wings, taking their places for the curtain call. My head is still muddled as I move offstage. Kace and I will enter from opposite sides for the curtain call. And we will be the last ones to take our bows.

Moments later, I cross the stage to take my place beside Kace. I can almost hear the thundering applause, see the standing ovation. I imagine my mother sitting beside my sister in the audience. Someone bringing me a bouquet of red roses tied with a gold ribbon. I take my bow. And the curtain drops.

The cast turns to one another and cheers. We have worked hard to get here. Every single one of us deserves the imagined applause. I turn to Kace.

“You’re going to be amazing.”

“And you will take their breath away,” he says softly, his hazel eyes resting on mine.

There is a brief second of something unsaid. It trickles through his words, but I can’t quite grasp it. He turns and quickly walks away. I watch him go. Wonder if his complimenting me is disloyal to Quinn. Or if there is something else. I realize my hands are clasped together. As if they hold the compliment tight.

Later, we all gather in a circle on the floor of the green room, sharing a celebratory pizza. Hayden sits on the other side of the circle between two senior girls. They are talking to him. They make it look so easy. Like Lily. I wonder why it is so hard for me.

Quinn starts a game. “Name your dream vacation.” We go around calling out our answers.

“Hawaii.”

“Paris,” Kace says and sends one of his leading-man grins my way.

I feel my cheeks burn hot. Quinn glares at me. I don’t dare look at Hayden. I reach for my water.

“Australia.”

“London.”

“New York.”

“Bahamas.”

Now it is my turn. I haven’t yet decided what I will say. As I look around the circle, I catch Hayden watching me. I don’t look away. Instead, I lock eyes with him. And I say the first thought that comes to my mind.

“The beach.”

Hayden grins. His teeth are blinding against the copper of his skin. Does he think my answer is silly? Is he laughing at me? The beach is fifteen minutes away. It’s not exotic. But it is the truth; I would rather be at the beach than anywhere else on earth. I love the roar of the waves pounding in my ears. The screeching of the seagulls. The endless expanse of the sea. It makes me feel peaceful and happy. My parents used to take us to the beach as a family. My happiest memories aren’t of Christmas mornings or birthday presents. My happiest memories are of long summer days at the beach.

I look down at my pizza as the rest of the cast calls out exotic destinations. I wish I had come up with something unique. Exciting.

“Hayden, you’re up,” someone calls.

Only then do I look up from studying every pocket of grease on my slice of cheese pizza. I look up to see him.

Hayden looks right at me. And says two words. “The . . . beach.”

Later, Mr. Preston stands in the middle of the circle and gives us notes. I write them on a notepad. When I finish, I notice Quinn staring at me. Her eyes are narrowed. I imagine she is hoping I get sick tomorrow so she can have her chance. I glance away, pretending I don’t see.

At the end of the notes, Mr. Preston claps his hands together. “I am so proud of you all. I can’t wait for your friends and families to see this magnificent performance. In all my years here . . .” He pretend-coughs to hide the number 25. “I have never worked with such a talented group. This show is worthy of Broadway. I want you all to know that. You are tremendous. Each and every one of you.” Mr. Preston’s voice shakes a little at this last part. Then he covers it by clearing his throat. “Now go home and rest up. I’ll see you here tomorrow at five for costumes and makeup.”

We scatter. I head to the wings to retrieve my backpack and sweatshirt. As I lean over to get them, I realize I am right next to Hayden. He is turned away from me. Looking for his own backpack, probably.

The wings are the darkest part of the theater tonight, meant for hiding entrances and exits. We have to learn to see in the shadows. He doesn’t know I am here. I study him, memorize everything about him: the pattern of his plaid shirt, the rip in the knee of his jeans, a woven leather bracelet he wears on his right wrist, the keychain dangling from his pocket in the shape of a silver knot.

He turns suddenly, as though he can sense me. I shift my eyes quickly, not wanting him to catch me staring. I wonder, not for the first time, what in the world is wrong with me.

“St-st-el-la,” Hayden says in his jarred speech.

Yet my name sounds beautiful the way he says it, each letter drawn out. Melodic.

I glance back at him and catch my breath. His gaze holds me. Standing here alone, in the shadows, time seems to stop. Sound fades away. All I know is Hayden.

“Stella!” My sister’s voice startles me. I take a small step backward, away from Hayden, from this moment. Emerson is still talking. “I’ve been looking for you. Mom’s waiting.”

“Okay, I’m ready to go.”

She looks from me to Hayden and back again. I can tell she is trying to figure out what she missed.

Nothing, I want to tell her. And everything.

“Bye,” I say softly as I walk away. I try to see his eyes, his expression, but he has turned away. The shadows close in around him. He doesn’t answer.

“What happened?” Emerson asks me before we are out of earshot.

“Hayden,” is my only answer.

I turn to look at him once more. But he has already disappeared.

IT

— 
Stella
 —

Tomorrow is opening night. I should be at home drinking tea in my pajamas. Resting my voice. Reading over my lines. Instead, I’m at a party with Lily. I never say no to Lily. No one says no to Lily.

Music throbs in my ears. I want to go home. I need to sleep. Meditate on my performance. This is the last place I want to be.

Lily drags me around. We’re looking for someone. Connor Williams, her latest obsession. “He is très fabulous,” she tells me. “We are M.F.E.O.” Made For Each Other.

I roll my eyes. Last week, she thought she and a guy who plays drums in the school band were M.F.E.O. He never even learned her name.

I want to tell her about Hayden, about what happened today. Hearing him speak my name. Suddenly, my world has changed. Shifted. Only I can’t explain it. Or that it scares me, enough that I’ve spent the past few hours reminding myself of my pledge.

No boys. No distractions. Someday Broadway.

The party is a sea of bodies. All of them blend into one wave of popularity, the wave Lily wants to ride. She carries me along with her into the current whether I like it or not. I can’t breathe here. I can’t seem to keep my head above water. I just want to go home.

And then I see him. Hayden leans against the back gate. His blond curls brush his shoulder. I want to touch them. He stares at me. I don’t look away.

I can’t.

I’m captivated by him.

Lily sees him too. “Imagine that. SC is here. Staring. At. You. Again. Très predictable.”

And that’s when I see the flicker in her eyes. It is gone almost as quickly as it appears. But not before I understand.

Hayden is “nada importante” in Lily’s world. She doesn’t want him.

But no, it’s not that. She doesn’t like him being interested in me. Not one bit. In Lily’s world, she should have a boyfriend before I do. Before the shy new girl. The girl who doesn’t even want a boyfriend.

Lily rolls her eyes. Annoyed with this game of silence. “Speak,” she tells me. “Say something. Anything!”

I look into his eyes, into the depths below the surface. I want to know more—need to know more—but I don’t say a word. Neither does Hayden.

“N.B.,” I remind her softly.
No boys.

She knows my mantra, but she doesn’t agree with it. She gives me a long look. The kind only a best friend can give you. The kind of look that tells you they don’t believe you. I meet her eyes, and she sees it there. She squeezes my hand.

She can tell that I am afraid of this feeling, of what it means. Someday Broadway, I tell myself. I let Lily pull me away.

We find Connor. Lily isn’t silent. Lily isn’t afraid. She makes jokes, gives compliments. I watch in awe. She giggles, tilts her head to the side so her hair falls across her face. Lily looks so pretty when she smiles. She has perfect teeth and a wide, inviting grin. She tries on his baseball cap, poses in it. Then she plays with his hair, dubbing it “hat head.” She puts the cap back on Connor, leaving her perfectly manicured hand resting lightly on his shoulder.

Other girls walk by and look at her enviously. She is where they want to be. Connor is handsome, super popular, with a deep, rich baritone voice. Captain of the football team. He has olive skin and dark hair that contrasts with Lily’s blondeness. Together they look like a Homecoming couple.

I stand next to her, feeling like the frumpy best friend, listening to Lily speak to Connor in French. The lilting language sounds like a love song. He doesn’t understand a single word, of course, which makes it even more charming. He looks at her like she is a brand-new toy he wants. I stand there, bored, ignored. Wondering where Hayden is now. Wishing I wasn’t afraid. Wishing I had a little bit of Lily’s courage.

Connor’s friends from the football team start joking around.

“Who’s the hottie?” one asks as he joins the group. He pushes me out of the way to stand by Lily. Another one touches her hair. Lily giggles, relishing the attention.

A shiver runs down my spine. A premonition. A warning.

“Lily,” I whisper. “Maybe it’s time to go.”

“N.O.Y.L.,” she hisses in Lilyspeak. I mentally translate: Not On Your Life. I shoot her a look of annoyance. This is not what I want to be doing right now.

Connor claims Lily with an arm around her shoulders. One of the football players takes Connor’s baseball cap. They toss it around. Then they start trying to tackle one another. Before I know it, someone is pulling Connor toward the pool. He drags Lily with him, holding onto her for safety. They are at the edge of the pool. Lily is enjoying the game, and she pretends to protect Connor. Her arms are wrapped around him. She is still laughing.

“Lily, I want to go. I have the show tomorrow,” I remind her.

But she ignores me. Like she can’t hear me.

I want to escape, to leave this place. But I can’t. Not now. Because in one instant, everything changes.

“Hottie needs a cool down.” Five words alter everything.

One of the football players picks up Lily and pretends to throw her in the pool. Lily plays along, flailing her arms and legs, but she is giggling. At the last second, he pulls her back. He hands her off to another player like a football. The guys line up so they can pass her around.

“
Lily, I need to go
,” I call out, trying to get closer. Desperate to leave this party, to go home. And there’s something else—this inexplicable foreboding I cannot shake. The crowd moves closer to watch, and I am pushed to the side. Hemmed in by nameless faces laughing at—and with—my friend.

Hollering mixes with the drumbeat, cocooning the party in discordant sound. I duck under arms and around shoulders, finally emerging near the edge of the pool. I am just in time to see two things: Lily lands in Connor’s arms, and Connor tosses her into the pool.

Everyone starts clapping. Everyone except me. Lily surfaces and swims toward the edge. I reach out a hand, help her out of the water.

“Can we please go now?” I whisper. Lily has curls plastered to her face, eyes dripping mascara tears. But she is smiling.

“G.M.A.B.,” she hisses. Translation: Give Me A Break.

It’s a standoff. I want to leave; Lily wants to stay.

Connor moves toward Lily, arms open for a hug. “Forgive me?”

“Not quite,” Lily slides around him, rejecting his embrace. She stifles a giggle as she shakes her wet curls at Connor. “How do you like it?” Then she pushes him toward the pool.