Sidelined (11 page)

“What do you need?” I asked, gently. “Right now, what is the best thing we could do for you?”

“Sit with me. Stay here and keep everyone else out for a while. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand the looks of sympathy.” Freya wiped at her eyes then snuggled herself between Leah and I again. “I appreciate everyone being here, but those looks. It’s like hearing the news being broken over and over. I just want to be with you and be free to say what I want, or to say nothing, or to scream and shout and…”

Her words trailed off as she squeezed her eyes closed and let her head fall onto Leah’s shoulder.

“Okay,” I said, holding her hand. “Then that’s what we’ll do.”

Chapter 10
– I Just Want To Feel Something Real

We stayed with Freya for a couple of hours, none of us moving and barely speaking until her mom couldn’t stand it anymore and gently knocked on the door to find out if she could come back in yet. Freya needed to sleep and even though she wouldn’t, she went to her room to pretend to nap.

Leah, Radleigh and I left shortly after. None of us had had breakfast before we rushed to Freya’s place, so Radleigh treated us to brunch at one of the cafes on the beach. Strange to see surfers and early morning swimmers chatting and laughing, when all we wanted to do was sit in our own miserable silence. Weird how the world carried on, unaware of what we’d lost. I envied them. Envied their lack of pain. They obviously hadn’t lost anyone or anything through the storm, they were just happy the surf conditions were good.

“I can’t eat this.” Leah dropped her fork down on top of her barely eaten pancakes and ran a hand through her hair. Her cheeks were streaked with tear tracks. She’d only stopped crying when we walked into the café, when she felt forced to pull herself together.

“Please try,” Radleigh said. He hadn’t eaten much himself which proved two things to me. Firstly, he was desperately worried about Leah, and secondly, the news of Will’s death hit him hard, too. Even though the two guys never liked each other much, it was an indication of how well-respected Will was that Radleigh had gotten so affected.

“I don’t want it. I’ll eat later. I feel too sick right now.”

Radleigh looked to me for support, and I shrugged. Just because I stuffed myself with food when I was upset, didn’t mean everyone was the same way. I supposed that explained why I had to work out so hard to keep my hips under control and Leah… didn’t.

“Leah, come on,” he said. “How are you gonna take care of Freya if you aren’t taking care of yourself?”

Leah reached across the table for his hand. “I know I have to eat. I just don’t think I can keep anything down yet.”

Radleigh threaded his fingers through hers. “Fine. But I’m not gonna stop nagging you.”

Leah’s phone began to ring and she untangled her fingers from Radleigh’s and rummaged in her purse for her cell. “It’s Jesse.” She glanced at Radleigh, then at me. “Do you think he knows?”

The mention of Jesse’s name sent me reeling back to the night before, which suddenly felt like years ago. I hadn’t thought about him, or anything except Freya’s devastation. I’d even blocked out my own freaky memories because I didn’t
want
to remember. Didn’t want to feel anymore.

A larger part of me still
didn’t
feel, not for myself anyway. Only for Freya, and Jude, and Leah.

“He must know,” Radleigh said. “I think Richard called everyone first thing.”

Leah shrugged and answered. “Hi, Jesse.”

I cast my eyes down to what was left of my pancakes, stabbing gently at them with my fork.

“Yeah, we’ve been at Freya’s most of this morning,” Leah said then her voice wobbled as she added, “not good. She’s quiet, and broken, and kind of lost… Not right now, but you should call her later, she’ll appreciate it. How are you doing?”

I tuned out of the one side of the conversation I could hear, until Leah spoke my name.

“Oh,” she said. “One second, she’s here.”

Leah covered her hand over the mouthpiece and tapped me on the shoulder. “Jesse says he’s been calling you.”

I hadn’t heard my phone all morning and my purse hadn’t left my side. I bent down and reached inside. Oh right. I left it on silent after I ran away from Jesse. In the rush to get to Freya I’d picked my cell up without turning the ringer back on.

Ten missed calls.

Normally, I’d have taken Leah’s phone from her and gushed an apology but I hadn’t worked up enough courage to talk to Jesse yet. If I
had
heard the calls I probably wouldn’t have answered.

“Bree? Do you want to speak to him now?”

I frantically shook my head, my eyes wide with panic. Leah gave me a puzzled glance then removed her hand from the mouthpiece and said, “She’s a little upset at the moment, Jesse. I’ll tell her to call you later… Sure… Okay… Bye, Jesse.”

The second Leah hung up she turned to me. “Okay, what’s going on? You and Jesse have been inseparable since his accident. Why don’t you want to talk to him?”

“It’s nothing,” I mumbled, looking away from her.

“It’s not nothing. What happened?”

“Leah, come on. You don’t want to eat and I don’t want to talk about this.”

I focused my attention on some of the latest surf dudes walking through the doors with wet hair, their boards tucked under their arms. Again, I wished I felt the way they did. Carefree and totally chilled.

“Jesse said he needs to speak to you and also that it’s not about what happened last night.”

Oh, Jesse.
I appreciated him trying to put my mind at ease but mentioning that
something
had happened landed me right in it. Leah would never let this go now.

I turned to face her again. “I want to tell you. I’m just not sure what to say. Things haven’t been so good lately. Actually, everything’s been… crappy.”

Sort of an understatement. Crappy is when your car breaks down. I’d gotten myself stuck in a rut I didn’t know how to get out of, with a husband who wasn’t listening, and a head full of questions about what I wanted from my life. How would I even start to explain? Where would I start?

“Is this girl talk again?” Radleigh asked. “Do you need me to leave?”

“No. Nothing I have to say is more important than Freya, and that’s who we should be focusing on now.”

One thing Leah always did well was know when to quit. I had some stuff to think through before I could talk so she stopped pushing. Instead, she reached over and gave me a hug. Aside from Jude’s. Leah’s hugs were my favourites. She didn’t do that lame half-hug crap, she wrapped me up and held me firmly.

“Call me when you’re ready, okay?”

“I will.”

I had to tackle the conversation with Jesse next. Jude hadn’t called to say he was on his way back yet so I left Leah and Radleigh and drove home. They were headed back to Freya’s for a while, and I promised I’d join them later.

After I’d had the conversation I’d been dreading.

Once inside, I didn’t give myself time to wimp out. I grabbed my phone and dialled Jesse’s number, breath held while I waited.

“Bree.” He let out a sigh of relief. “I was about five minutes away from asking my mom to drive me to your house.”

“I didn’t hear my phone before. I’m sorry.”

“Are you okay? You scared the hell out of me when you ran out yesterday.”

Nothing sounded different in his voice. He still sounded like Jesse, although a touch more serious under the circumstances. But he didn’t sound awkward like I’d expected.

“I’m okay,” I said. “Well… sort of. As okay as I can be after...”

“Leah said you were at Freya’s before.”

“Yeah. A bunch of us were. She didn’t want to talk or anything, though. Are you… how are you doing?”

“Not so good. I have something to tell you and after what happened yesterday, I don’t know how you’re going to react. I need to talk to everyone else, too, but I thought you should be the first person to find out.”

Dread bubbled in my stomach. I wasn’t sure how much more I could take.

“What is it?”

“There was an accident at the end of my road late last night, a little after midnight. We didn’t leave the house but we saw the flashing lights from ambulance and the police cars. Someone got trapped under a huge tree branch. We actually heard the crack when it fell. The person underneath was taken to hospital but the injuries were too bad. Bree, it was Taylor. Her mom came to the house to tell me.”

I fell backwards onto the stairs, trying to stop the room swimming in front of me. First Will, now Taylor?

“I… Did you… What?”

I saw her. A few hours before, I talked to her and she laughed at me. I hit her. Did I contribute to her death? Maybe after I slapped her, she got so upset she… No. I left hours before midnight. And she didn’t seem upset. At all. She must have just parked farther up the road where she wouldn’t have even been able to view Jesse’s house properly, unless she had night vision goggles or binoculars, which honestly wouldn’t have surprised me. God, what was she doing there? After I left, why would she stay? Jesse was never going to leave his house at that time of night in a storm.

Another piece of the disjointed jigsaw in my brain flipped over, fell away. I wanted to flip all the pieces over so I didn’t have to look at the messed up picture I’d created for myself.

Friends dead. Confused about my marriage. Confused about my whole life.

“I don’t even know how to feel, Bree. Aren’t I supposed to be sad? She used to be my girlfriend. I loved her once.”

He should have felt relief. That was the first emotion emerging within me until I squashed it down, because what kind of person is relieved to find out someone’s dead? That would make me a terrible person.

But Taylor wasn’t a good person, either.

“Jesse…I… Thank you for telling me first. I don’t know how to feel either.”

I just want to feel something real. Something to show me I’m not a horrible, selfish bitch.

“There’s more,” Jesse said. “I felt like such an asshole because her mom was here, devastated, and I think she wanted to… I guess be near the last place Taylor was alive. And I just wanted her to go away. She gave me something of Taylor’s and I need you to have it. I don’t want it, and you probably don’t either, but I can’t bring myself to throw it away.”

“What did she give you?”

“A journal. I think Taylor’s mom was trying to apologise for what Taylor did. She said there are things in the journal she thought I should see.”

“Why would she immediately think to look in her daughter’s journal? I mean, that’s kind of weird.”

And sort of morbid. Shouldn’t she have been calling relatives and… stuff?

“Well, Taylor was kind of weird. It had to come from somewhere.”

I chuckled, instantly guilty for laughing at such a time until Jesse did the same at the other end of the line.

“Sorry,” he said. “That was wrong.”

“True, though. But wrong.”

“Her mom was probably searching for answers. I don’t know if she knew Taylor had been stalking me or Radleigh. I don’t even care. I just don’t want this book in my house. Will you come get it?”

“Now?”

I hadn’t prepared myself to see Jesse for a while. The phone call was going well, but I couldn’t see him through my cell. Face to face scared me.

“I’d appreciate it,” he said. “And if you want to avoid me, I won’t actually be here. Now I don’t have to come bug you at your place, Mom’s taking Kayla and me out to get ingredients. We’re gonna cook up a few dinners for Freya so she can heat them up when she’s ready. I can’t imagine she feels like cooking right now.”

A familiar rush of warmth filled me. He wanted to bring Freya something practical and useful, not flowers that would wither up and die. Also, Jesse understanding I wasn’t ready to see him made the answer so much easier. Everyone else wanted to talk. Everyone except me. I wanted to stop the world, make the spinning stop so I could find my feet again.

“I’ll come get the journal.”

Chapter 11
– That Girl Really Loved To Write

In between picking up Taylor’s journal and heading to my favourite thinking spot, Jude called me and said he and Richard were done at Will’s parents’ house and they’d be on their way back after a quick bite to eat.

I had roughly two hours to untangle the mess in my mind, and decide if I wanted to read Taylor’s journal.

Two hours wouldn’t be enough to figure everything out but I had to start somewhere.

After parking the car, I strolled towards the beach, holding the journal close to my chest. The breeze blew my hair as I stepped onto the soft sand, no real destination in mind. I just needed to be close to the water. I needed my thoughts to be as free as the waves, rolling and crashing until they rushed in to meet the sand, bubbling gently before drifting away, less turbulent, a lot more calm.

I walked until I reached Genie’s and a knot formed inside me at the sight of the familiar building. That was the last place I saw Will.

I had to live with knowing the last thing I ever said to him was ‘Go to hell’. Tears spilled down my cheeks because maybe he didn’t know how much I cared about him. Maybe he took my words to heart and died thinking I hated him. The thought made my insides scream in pain. I wanted to hit the rewind button on life and change almost everything I’d said and done in the last few weeks.

Genie’s, the place that once promised fun and the creation of great memories, had turned into a place that made me sick to look at. The same wooden tables sat out front, still as welcoming as always. The sign above the door, purposely tilted at a slight angle, didn’t pull me in this time. I kept walking, head down, as far as the next café where I ordered a coffee and slunk away to the corner away from the few people having afternoon drinks.

I placed Taylor’s journal on the table and let out a sigh. The front cover had bright coloured cats all over. If I’d kept a journal I’d probably have had something similar – fun and slightly juvenile. Not the kind of book I’d have expected Taylor to own. Too jazzy and cute to hold the thoughts of a monster.

My hand hovered over the cover for a second then turned over to see the first page. Taylor’s handwriting, girly and curly, met my eyes. Too innocent for someone who did the things she did.

I didn’t read right away. I picked up the book with both hands and flipped through the pages. Now and again, I’d spot my name, or Jesse’s name. I didn’t want to know what she wrote about me. Not that I couldn’t guess.

When I saw Radleigh’s name, I finally halted my frantic flipping and paused to read:

I don’t get it. Radleigh could literally have any woman he wants so why is he chasing that English girl around? She’s not so special. She’s got a cute figure and a pretty face, but so what? Loads of girls have. Nothing makes her any better than me, or any other girl who wants him. And she’s obviously an idiot. She knocks him back over and over – she has to be missing a few brain cells. I would treat him so much better, hell I would sell my own mother to get in his pants.

I flipped a few more pages:

How could he turn me down???? I mean, seriously??? What’s wrong with him?! No guy ever turns me down. Ever. And he said I acted desperate!! Me! I am not desperate, I’m mad. Radleigh McCoy is a dick.

Page after page chronicled how she schemed and plotted to take Radleigh down. Even though she didn’t do exactly as she intended, she still triggered a chain of events that caused pain to a lot of people. Most interestingly, Jesse didn’t get a single mention on those pages even though she’d paraded around with him as if she loved him.

My insides burned. I’d hoped I might find a hint she wasn’t as bad as I thought. Why else would Taylor’s mom have wanted Jesse to have her journal? Why would she think he’d want to confirm he dated a psycho?

Spurred on, desperate to find something to prove me right, I turned over more pages, scanning for Jesse’s name.

Almost at the end of the journal I found what I’d been searching for.

I went to see Bree today. We went to Genie’s and she told me some stuff about her marriage going down the crapper and that she has feelings for JESSE!!!! MY Jesse!! That is like, the stupidest thing I ever heard. I thought she was into older guys like her ancient husband. Now she’s decided to go from grave-robbing to cradle-snatching. So I did something real bitchy. I told her to go for it. I mean, if she’s so ungrateful for her huge house and all those clothes and shoes, and the cool places she gets to go with the team, she doesn’t deserve any of it. Jesse will NEVER go for her, not because she’s not freaking perfect because she is, but because he has a new girlfriend. He’s loyal. Bree will fall flat on her face. She’ll lose Jesse, and she’ll lose Jude because she won’t be able to figure out how to keep it all together. She needs my influence. Without me, she’s just a Barbie doll. All boobs and no brain. If anyone could lure him away from that British girl, it’s me. He used to be in love with me, and maybe if I do this right, I can get him to remember. Get him to love me again. I need to stay close so he doesn’t forget me. If I keep working on Kayla I think I can get her to help me.

Let me tell you a little secret. I actually always liked Bree. She and Jesse were the only two people who made me feel welcome amongst all those superior, snooty soccer players, and wives and girlfriends. But Bree is not the smartest person in the world. I can understand why she’d fall for Jesse. Who wouldn’t? He’s so sweet and hot, and he’s an amazing kisser – not that she’ll ever find out. She has a husband, though. He may be old but Jude’s pretty cute, I guess. And rich. And she wants to throw it away because of some dumb thing she wants to do that Jude won’t let her.

Well, who am I to stop her? If she wants to dig herself into a hole, I’ve handed her the shovel.

Wow.
So it wasn’t exactly what I was looking for. I could have lived without her attacking me – again. Her thoughts about Jesse weren’t even that complimentary, and certainly not worth Taylor’s mom giving him the journal to read. Unless I’d missed it in the pages I skipped. Even if I had, I didn’t care to read anymore.

And she wants to throw it away because of some dumb thing she wants to do that Jude won’t let her.

Those words were my biggest fear. That everyone would view me the same way Taylor did. Spoiled and bratty.

Jesse didn’t see me that way. I didn’t give any of my other friends a chance to form an opinion.

Some dumb thing.

How come it seemed like forever ago the most important thing to me was training to become a make-up artist?  With Will gone it seemed dumb in comparison.

I snapped the book shut and closed my eyes, trying to keep the tears firmly behind my eyelids. They stung, demanding release. Without finishing my coffee I picked up the journal and ran out of the café, back onto the beach. My feet pounded on the sand, running harder and harder, heart thumping out of my chest, lungs burning until I tripped and crashed to the ground. Taylor’s journal flew out of my hands. Shuffling forwards, I grabbed it then stood and continued running, this time towards the water.

Tears streamed down my face as I opened the book and tore at the pages, ripping them out then casting Taylor’s poison into the ocean. Page after page got tossed around in the waves, the ink running, turning every nasty, bitter word into nothing more than a blur. When the last pages had gone, I lifted my arm up and back and cast the empty shell of the journal into the sea before falling to my knees. The pain I hadn’t been able to feel when I first heard Will was dead poured out of me. And not only grief for him, grief for Freya and everyone on the team who had lost a friend and a colleague. Grief for Taylor because nobody deserves to die so young.

Grief for myself.

I saw it, over and over again. Dad dying. Mom dead. Nightmares. Me screaming.

Once I got carted off to my first foster home, I’d shut out the memories of my real family as best as I could. I remained sunny, positive and upbeat. Too bad my first foster family were assholes who preferred me to stay in my room “out of the way”. I never forgot my parents, of course. I couldn’t, they visited me in nightmares nearly every night for more than a year. And even though they became less over time, they didn’t stop completely until… Jude.

Jude was my person. My safe place. My
family
.

He built a new family for me and for the first time in years I wasn’t afraid to love them because I wouldn’t be staying for long, or because I knew they didn’t really want me. The family Jude gave me was solid.

Why did it take the death of a friend and the vile ramblings of a crazy teenager to make me realise what was important? I’d have found my way eventually. I’d just got lost in my own head, and in my own concerns about how life should be.

I waited for my sobs to ease then stood, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. I wasn’t done processing, not even close. I’d made a small start and I didn’t feel like a heartless zombie anymore so I chalked it up as a win.

“Bree.”

At first I thought I’d imagined Jude’s voice over the sound of the waves that had me mesmerised. His hand on my shoulder told me otherwise.

“It’s funny, isn’t it?” I said. “On TV and in the movies, everyone always goes to the beach when they want to think.”

Gently massaging my shoulders, Jude said, “I guess. Never thought about it, I just knew this is where you would be.”

“You know me too well.”

“Yeah. I do.”

I slowly turned to face him, the ocean breeze whipping my hair around my face. Jude tucked the flyaway strands behind my ear and smiled sadly.

“How did things go with Will’s parents?”

“Not great. Will’s mom blames herself. She says if it weren’t for her surgery, Will wouldn’t have been out in the storm. She’s inconsolable, and scared to talk to Freya in case she blames her, too.”

“Freya would never blame her. She loves Will’s mom.”

“I know. Richard did his best to talk to her, and to Will’s dad, but… they’ve just lost their son. Richard was a mess on the way home. He wanted to go back to Freya’s but I made him promise to go right home after he dropped me off. I’d like to go see her soon, though.”

I nodded. “Me too.”

“You wanna walk?”

“Sure.”

When Jude’s fingers closed around mine, the warmth made my fingers tingle
. That’s more like it.
We began a slow walk in the direction of Freya’s apartment, and I quickly gathered up the tiny pieces of my fragmented mind I’d slotted together, checking they were in place for real so I didn’t mess up my words.

“While you were gone today, Jesse called me,” I began. “Will wasn’t the only person not to survive the storm.”

Jude stopped me, panic in his eyes. “What happened? Was it someone in his family?”

“No. Taylor. Taylor died last night.”

Jude reached out for me, like he needed to steady himself and I held onto him until he’d regained his balance. Our reactions to the news were pretty much identical. I had a sneaking suspicion he felt the way I did at first, too. Shock, relief. Guilt for feeling relieved.

“Taylor? Taylor’s dead?”

“Yeah. She was at the end of Jesse’s road. I have no idea why, I guess she was stalking again.”

“Huh. Well at least she died doing something she loved.”

My mouth dropped open for a second and Jude clasped his hand over his own mouth. “I can’t believe I said that.” His words came out distorted since he spoke through his fingers, surprised by the words he’d said.

“Me either.”

A laugh, a totally inappropriate laugh, burst out of me so hard my shoulders shook. Taylor’s death wasn’t funny at all. Jude’s comment was so out-of-character-insensitive, I couldn’t stop the giggles. After a second Jude laughed too and we didn’t try to move or speak until we’d stopped. I couldn’t recall the last time we’d done this. Laughed together to the point of tears. We used to do it a lot. When I got to know him first as a friend, and for most of our marriage, there were always silly things that had us cracking up.

I needed that bad. If only for a moment it felt so good to release some tension.

I wanted to tell him the rest. How confused I’d been and why I acted the way I did. After the laughter, I didn’t want to break the mood yet. Our serious talk could wait a little longer.

When we were done laughing and we’d put our serious faces back on, Jude took my hands again.

“Come on, honey. Let’s go take care of Freya.”

Nothing much had changed at Freya’s which was weird because for me, everything seemed different. I’d begun to re-connect with Jude, and most importantly, with myself. With what I had. None of those things took away from my grief over Will, but the bubble I’d been living in had burst. I didn’t feel like a stranger in my own life anymore. In some ways it might have been welcome to stay in my zombie-like state. There’s no pain when you’re so distant. But you also don’t feel love. That was the one emotion surrounding all of us at Freya’s apartment. It bonded us. Freya’s family and friends came together because they loved her, and they loved Will. As people drifted in and out, offering a kind word and even more flowers, we cast understanding, grateful glances at each other. I had no idea if Freya was aware of how many people had passed through her apartment. She thanked them, forced smiles, and put on a much braver front than she had earlier but she wasn’t entirely present and the people who knew her best weren’t fooled by her act. She kept it together but any time she thought nobody was looking, the façade slipped. Her eyes dimmed, her shoulders sagged, and she became the living embodiment of heartbreak. Jude and I stayed for a couple of hours but there was nothing we could do for her. There were too many visitors and she wouldn’t talk with so many around. Before we left I promised I’d be back the next day, and told her to call if she needed me. So lame in light of what she was going through but there wasn’t anything else I could offer. If turning back time to get Will back was an option, I’d have done so in a heartbeat.