Sia (27 page)

I try not to smile. One thing about Amber is that she’s consistent, if nothing else.“I don’t think so, Amber.”

Her entire face frowns. Her eyebrows almost touch in the middle, and her lips tighten as if she’s trying to hold in a scream. She takes a deep breath. “But
why
?”

“
I’m happier now,” I say. “I don’t have to pretend all the time.”

“
Pretend? What are you talking about?”

“
I’m talking about always having to have the right clothes, the right makeup, the right walk, the right boyfriend—everything. It’s exhausting, putting up that façade. Life’s much easier now that I’m not a full-time beauty queen.”

“
Oh, please. You dressed up to the nines for the Oscars. You can’t tell me you didn’t enjoy it.”

I can’t deny it. “Of course it was fun. But nowadays, I don't feel like I have to do all that. Only once in a while, when I want to.”

“
But you
do
want to.” She taps my chest. “Deep inside there, I can feel the real Sia trying to break free. She wants to go tanning and shopping. She wants to live a life of fabulosity. Why can’t you understand that?”

I lean forward. “You and I have been friends for a long time, right?”

“
Since we were in diapers.”

“
And I don’t think we always cared about how we looked.”

“
Well . . . ”

I smile. “Come on. This is pretty recent. I know. My dad showed me some videos of us as kids. We weren’t always like this.”

She hesitates, and I see something behind that icy glare. A softness.

“
We had fun as kids, didn’t we?” I ask. “Before high school. Before all this stuff became important.”

She gives me a slow nod.

“
And we had loads of friends. Not just cheerleaders and football players, didn’t we?”

She smiles wryly. “Yeah, even the losers.”

“
We didn’t think they were losers then.”

This time, she shakes her head, but the movement is tight. She looks nervous, like a cornered animal. She lifts her chin. “Things change, Sia.”

“
No. We changed.”

It’s strange, seeing her unsure of anything. She doesn’t answer me. Suddenly, I feel a need to reach out to her. Who knows? This might be my only chance to get through to her. “I wish we were still best friends, Amber. I really do. But I have changed, for the better. Don’t you ever wish you could go back to how it was? To the girl you were before . . . ” I gesture toward her tiny stylish outfit. “Before all this?”

She opens her mouth to say something, then shuts it. “I like who I am,” she finally snaps. “Everybody likes who I am. Everybody who counts, anyway.”

“
Why do you get to decide who counts? And what makes you think you’re better than they are?”

She snorts. “Well, for one, none of them have money.”

“
So? Neither does my family.”

“
That’s not true. Your parents are super rich.”

“
Not anymore. We’re going through a major financial crisis. We might lose everything.”

She stares at me, horrified. “Everything? Like . . .
everything
everything?

“
Yeah,” I say, nodding. “Doesn’t matter, though. It’s just stuff. I’ll still have my family—and that’s what matters most. But what I’m trying to say is that if you truly want to be my friend, you’ll have to accept that. You’ll have to accept who I am now. Could you do that?”

“
I don’t know if I can.” She eyes me with distaste. “I don’t want to dress like you.”

In spite of the insult, I chuckle. “Nobody’s asking you to. But can you get used to
me
being dressed this way? Me having new friends?”

She’s quiet, then looks away, distracted, when the truck honks again.

In that moment, I’m not sure if I’d be better off joining Kyle or staying right here, where I won’t have to deal with the lost money problem. But I know I can’t hide forever. Finally, I say, “I have to go. Will you think about what I said?”

When she turns back to me, her eyes are like razors. In that split second, she’s changed moods entirely. “You’re not always right, Sia. You have no business picking me apart. Acting like
I’m
the freak. You’ve grabbed onto these nobodies, and look at you. You’ve turned into one of them. It’s really sad, Sia. You and I, we ruled the school. Now you’re nothing.”

I sigh. “Maybe you're right, Amber.” An image of Carol pops into my head. “But a friend once told me that true friendship is when two friends can walk in different directions and still be side by side.”

Amber looks unimpressed. “That doesn’t make sense.”

I stare back at her. I’m sure she knows what I mean. “Just think about what I said, okay?”

Before she can answer, I brush past her and head down the corridor. Outside, people are gathered around the trucks, and they look restless. They’ve been waiting for me. I drop my chin. I’m really messing up today.

I climb into the truck beside Kyle. Ben sits on my other side. We’re the first shift. I glance over at Kyle, not sure how to start. “Kyle,” I say, but he stops me.

“
We’ll talk later, okay?”

With that avenue of discussion closed, I have no idea what to bring up. Talk between us for the next two hours is awkward. I try, but I just can’t get there. Kyle hasn’t told Ben anything about the lost money, I guess, because the subject never comes up. The two of them chat about a movie they’ve been to recently, a comic book convention coming up, and other guy stuff.

A couple of times, I notice Kyle watching me. But when I look over, he pretends to be looking at something outside my window.

What is going on through his mind? I can't tell if he’s angry or not, though I have no doubt that he’s disappointed. Still, those glances of his make me wonder. Can he be thinking about the party? Does he think about our kiss as often I as I do?

No, I shouldn't do this to myself. He just wants to be friends. Whatever happened between us at that party, it’s done. Forever.

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

I want to be happy about what we’re doing. I
should
be. After all, the food and supplies we’re bringing will help a lot of people. But all I can do is feel sick about the lost cash. I still can’t believe it. How could I have lost it? What else am I forgetting?

When I ride with Roberta and Tiff, I try to be all chatty and energetic, but I’m despairing inside. I don’t dare tell them about the lost money. It’ll just make everything so much worse. Kyle can tell them when he’s ready.

By the time we’re an hour away from San Francisco, it’s time for me to go back with Kyle. I’m glad, because I’ve decided to confront him about this. I need to know what he’s thinking. Roberta and Tiff both notice that he’s being very quiet, but they’ve just decided that it’s normal; Kyle’s always moody.

“
Just give him space and everything will work out,” Roberta tells me.

Only I can’t. When we pull over at the last stop before San Francisco, I’m supposed to go in the cab with Kyle and Tiff.

“
Hey, Tiff,” I say. “Can I ask a favor?”

She shrugs, always easygoing. “Sure. What's up?”

“
I want to talk with Kyle. Alone.”

That piques her interest. “Really? You gonna, like, go for it?”

“
What? No! He’s driving, for crying out loud. I just need to talk with him.”

Tiff gives me a lopsided grin. “Hey, can’t blame me for asking. The way you two look at each other is nauseating. In a good way.”

I roll my eyes. “Whatever. See if you can convince
him
of that. Anyway, would you mind riding in the other truck?”

“
No problem.” She winks. “Good luck.”

When Kyle figures out what’s going on, it’s his turn to roll his eyes. “I don’t like the look of this,” he says as I buckle in.

My smile is tentative. I’m not sure, either, but I have to clear the air. “You only have to put up with me for an hour,” I tell him as he pulls onto the highway. The other truck has already left, so we’re bringing up the rear. “I just needed to—”

“
Look,” he says, interrupting me, “I understand this isn’t your fault. You’ve gone through a traumatic experience recently. You’ve lost all your memories. Your mind is fragile. It’s going to take time for you to heal. I get it.”

“
That’s hardly an excuse. I lost a lot of money, not just pocket change.”

“
Stop punishing yourself, Sia. Focus on what you’ve accomplished instead.”

“
I'll try. It’s just . . . frustrating. Not being in control of my own mind.”

His tone is soft. “I know.”

I can’t help my reaction, even though it’s pretty pathetic. “So you don’t hate me?”

He glances quickly at me, shocked. “Hate you? Of course not! I’ve never . . . well, that’s not true.” He crooks a sheepish grin. “I used to hate you, the old you. But to be honest, it wasn’t even you I hated. It was what you used to represent.” He pauses. “Does that make sense?”

I nod. His eyes are back on the road. I stare straight ahead with him, thinking. “That means we’re still friends?”

He sighs, sounding tired. Can’t blame him. It’s been seven hours of driving already, and he hasn’t let me drive any of it. Something about insurance. “Yeah. We’re friends.”

That’s a relief. But I’m not done. “Also, about our ki—”

“
Whoa! What’s going on?”

Kyle stares in his rearview mirror in disbelief. I can't see behind us because the truck’s blocking my view, but I don’t have to wait long. A cherry-red convertible comes up beside my window. Its driver is a woman in huge sunglasses. She’s wearing a dark, flowery scarf over her hair, waving madly at us, and honking her horn.

Amber.

Kyle and I exchange a glance, then he pulls over to the side of the road. I climb out of the truck and stand at the front, waiting for Amber.

She steps out of the car and comes running toward me, stumbling as her spike heels sink into the dirt. She stops ten feet away and slides her sunglasses off. She’s been crying.

“
Sia,” she says, sniffing.

I am bewildered by her condition; I’ve never seen Amber so emotional. I’m not sure what to do, so I step over and hug her. “What's the matter, Amber? Are you okay?”

She nods into my shoulder, then moves away. Her expression is twisted with so much turmoil. What could have happened? “Sia, I’m so sorry,” she says.

I frown at her. “What?
You’re
sorry? Didn’t you say that
I
should apologize?”

“
No, no,” she says, choking on a sob. “Forget I said that. I’m sorry. I’ve been stubborn and selfish. I keep hearing what you said back at school, about how we’d been friends forever. It wasn’t about the clothes or popularity back then. It was about
us
. I miss you, Sia. I miss our friendship.”

I tilt my head, feeling sorry for her, but I don’t understand. A big truck rattles by, lifting our hair. Instinctively, I tug her farther away from the road. “Couldn’t you have waited until tomorrow to tell me all that? Why drive all this way?”

“
Because I'm sorry for something else, too.” She reaches into her purse and brings out a familiar envelope. She presses it into my hand.

It’s the cash.

CHAPTER FORTY

I stare at her, disbelieving. “Wha—”

“
I wanted to hurt you,” she blurts. “I wanted everyone to blame you and come back to me. Because ever since you and . . . Kyle,” she says, forcing his name from the back of her throat, “started this thing, people have stopped paying attention to me. I felt like I was losing my power, you know?” She chuckles humorlessly. “Even Stacy chewed me out. I mean, Stacy! I never thought I’d see the day.” Tears well up in her eyes. Her voice lowers. “It felt like I was the only one not being a part of it all. I got really lonely. Everybody left me. They started watching
you
, admiring you. It felt like I was the evil witch while you got to be the good fairy. And I hated it.” She sighs. “So I stole the money.”

I am shocked. “But how’d you get into my locker?’

“
You and I have always shared combinations,” she says with a shrug. Her eyes close. “We shared everything. We were best friends, no, sisters. I don’t want to throw all that away.” The red-rimmed eyes open again, and they’re pleading. “Will you forgive me?”

The thick envelope of money feels like a brick in my hands. I grip it tight, fighting the urge to pass it to Kyle for safekeeping. So I didn’t lose it! I’m not going crazy. The relief rushing through me is enormous.