Shudder (Stitch Trilogy, Book 2) (18 page)

Now, days later, Isaac was feeling
stronger than ever. The danger of the virus – or whatever it was –
seemed to have passed, and his body had responded with a renewed
sense of vigor at this second chance. He felt like he’d been born
again, and he was more determined than ever to see their mission
through.

Alessa, on the other hand, just seemed
drained. He was worried about her. Miraculously, she didn’t seem to
have caught whatever had ailed him, but the long days and sleepless
nights had taken their toll. She was exhausted, and gaunt, the glow
that usually burned behind her cheeks conspicuously missing. She
was distant, withdrawn, sullen.

Broken.

“
Ugh!” she flung down the
screwdriver she’d been fiddling with, trying to pry open the
electrical panel of a generator control system that they’d found in
the basement of one of the many tall buildings they’d explored in
the past day or so. “These screws are completely stripped,” she
moaned, running her hand over the perspiration dripping from her
brow. “This is hopeless.”

“
Let me see,” Isaac
soothed, drawing another tool from the canvas bag they’d found in
the building manager’s office. Whatever had been bugging her had
manifested itself as a cloying mix of irritability and
belligerence, but Isaac was doing his best not to take the bait.
Though she wasn’t exactly making it easy…

“
It’s all yours,” she
relented, stalking to the other side of the dark utility room with
her hands shoved deep in her coat pockets.

Isaac breathed deeply and manipulated
the rusted screws for a few minutes while Alessa paced behind him.
He wasn’t managing to make much more progress than she had.
Finally, she stopped her pacing and turned to him.

“
We’re going about this
all wrong,” she interjected.

Isaac sighed, placing the pliers down
in front of him with a clink. He turned around to find Alessa
glaring at him, her arms crossed over her chest. “How do you mean?”
he intoned.

She threw her hands up.
“
None
of these
buildings were designed to be defensible. They’re civilian office
buildings. Even if we could get the damn generators running, it
would take weeks to turn this thing into a proper base. Paragon
would root us out well before we even had a chance to
strike.”

She had a point. The building was
covered in glass, with only a few subterranean floors and a
solitary stairwell connecting the levels. If they could get the
generator to cooperate, they’d at least have elevators and a
security system, but it was nothing that a determined enemy
couldn’t get past. The building would, in all honesty, be a death
trap for the rebels. But then again, so would all the buildings in
this city.

Isaac just didn’t know where else to
go.

“
Okay. So where do you
suggest we look instead?”

Alessa groaned and dropped
her arms to her sides. “I don’t
know
,” she whined. She closed her
eyes and let her head drop back, sighing at the ceiling. “I wish
Joe was here. He’d know what to do.”

Isaac rubbed at his temples in
frustration, then slowly began packing up the tool bag by the cool
light of the flashlight.

“
What are you doing?”
Alessa spat.

“
Leaving,” Isaac
responded, his back to her. “You’re right – we’re not going to find
what we’re looking for here.”

The only problem was, he
couldn’t imagine where they
would
find what they needed. He’d hoped that the city
would offer them some sort of refuge. At the very least, he thought
it would have sewers or a metro line or some kind of underground
network that would allow the rebels to travel discreetly in and out
of whatever hideout they decided on.

But now that he was here, Isaac could
see that instinct had been misguided. What good did all these
tunnels do if they were accessible to anyone, if Paragon could send
troops to any street corner to gain access and infiltrate the
rebels’ retreat? The city just didn’t offer what the rebels
needed.

“
So where do you think we
should go?” Alessa questioned. He could see the glimmer in her eyes
– she was hoping he had come up with a better plan, that he knew
what to do. But he would have to disappoint her. He was as lost as
she was.

“
I really don’t know,
Alessa. Maybe we should go back towards the woods, look for a
military fort or something.”

At least a fort would be secure,
intended to defend against attack.

“
Do you know where the
closest one is?” an expectant note crept into her voice.

“
Not in the least,” he
shrugged. He could probably find one, though, if they could get
their hands on a map.

But then again, even if they did know
where one was, Paragon probably knew, too – and that would be the
first place they would look for the rebels. Alessa seemed to have
come to the same conclusion.

“
I don’t know, Isaac, I
feel like Regina would have sent us out targeting military bases
specifically if she thought that would work…” She looked up at him
earnestly. “What do you think Joe would have tried?”

He thought for a moment. “Maybe the
suburbs again? Some kind of municipal building, or an industrial
park?”

“
I thought you said we
were too out in the open in the suburbs.”

Isaac groaned, slamming the last tool
back into the bag. “I don’t know, Less. Maybe we should find a
spaceship and fly to the moon. They won’t find us there, right?”
The frustration was getting to him now.

“
Very funny,” Alessa
quipped.

He whipped around to face
her, his face drawn. “Well, what do you want from me, Alessa?
Maybe
you
could
come up with some suggestions so I can have a turn shooting
your
ideas
down.”

Alessa pressed her lips into a hard
line.

But Isaac couldn’t stop himself.
Everything was boiling over inside him at once, his exasperation
with their mission, his worry about Alessa, his anger at Paragon,
the shock of almost dying. And it all spewed out in a noxious jet
of ire, directed, he knew, mostly at the wrong person. But she was
the only one there to receive it, and so he would let
her.

“
Would it kill you
to
help
sometimes? ‘Isaac, where do we go?’ ‘Isaac, what do we do?’
‘Isaac, what’s going on?’ ‘Isaac, why aren’t you more like
Joe
?’” Even as he said
it, he was ashamed of himself. But the dam had been broken, and
there was no stopping now. “I. Don’t. Know. Alessa. I don’t
have
all the answers.
I’m not Joe, and I just don’t. And you –” he threw his hands out in
front of him, “– all you want to do is mope. I’m
sorry
I got sick. I’m
sorry we don’t have more direction. I’m sorry things have been
scary and hard. But I don’t have some magic wand that I can just
flick into the air and fix things – I don’t know what you expect me
to do.”

“
Isaac,” she interrupted,
her voice startlingly calm.

“
No,” he continued. “I’m
not done. You’ve been acting so
weird
lately. And I know you’re
having issues with this ghost thing or whatever it is, but even so,
it’s like you’re not even
there
half the time. I try to talk to you, and it’s
like your mind is somewhere else completely.”

Alessa reached for him, but he shook
her off.

“
And then when you
finally
do
talk,
all you want to talk about is what
you’re
going through, and all
your
memories,
and
Joe
. Why is
it never about
me
?”

Isaac paused for a moment, his face
flush and hot from his tirade. And that was when the crux of his
anger reared its ugly head and revealed itself to him – it was Joe.
He was jealous of Alessa’s feelings for Joe. And once again, he
felt like he wasn’t measuring up, like he was eclipsed under his
brother’s shadow.

“
Argh!” Isaac kicked the
tool bag and stormed out, up the darkened stairwell and into the
building lobby, scooping his pack off the ground and finally
punching open the door and stomping out onto the street.

Alessa gave him a few minutes to cool
down before she followed. She came out with the rest of their gear
– her pack, the tent, the sleeping bags, and the heavy tool bag –
strapped to her back and tucked under her arms.

He sighed. “Give me some of
that.”

She shook her head. “No, you’re still
recovering. I can carry it today.”

“
Don’t be ridiculous,”
Isaac argued. “You’re carrying three times as much as I am. I’m
feeling fine.”

“
You can have this.” She
handed him the tool bag. “I want to
help
,” she added
pointedly.

Isaac exhaled and looked at the floor.
“I’m sorry, Less. I didn’t mean that. I was being an
ass.”

He met her eyes. She looked him over
guardedly before heaving a sigh. “You’re more like your brother
than you think.”

Isaac just looked away. She grabbed
his arm.

“
Listen. I don’t
want
you to be Joe. Joe
was fun, but he was also cocky and hotheaded and he made rash
decisions that put himself and the people he cared for at
unnecessary risk.”

She stepped around to face
him, holding both of his arms now tightly in her hands. “I
love
you
, Isaac.
I love who
you
are. If I had to pick one person to partner with me on this
mission – on this
life
– it would be you, every time.”

Isaac felt humbled. He
lamented the reckless things he’d said to Alessa; they weren’t
fair. All she ever
did
was help him. He felt like such a fool.

Finally Alessa dropped his arms and
took his hand, leading him up the quiet street. They walked in
silence for a few minutes, their slow breaths curling behind them
in the chill as the weak winter sun prodded at their
backs.

Alessa was the first to speak. “I’m
sorry I’ve been so preoccupied lately.”

“
Forget it, Less,” Isaac
entreated. He’d behaved like a petulant child, and he was ashamed.
The last thing she needed to do was apologize.

“
No, you were right,” she
urged. “Part of it is what I keep experiencing with all these
strange feelings, which I can’t really do much about. But part of
it has also been Joe.” She looked up at him with an apology in her
eyes. “He’s been in my thoughts a lot lately. I don’t know
why.”

She shook her head. “It’s been years
since I thought about him this much. I don’t understand why he’s
just coming back to me now, but the fact is, he has. It’s like I
can’t get him out of my head.”

She stopped walking and took hold of
Isaac’s hands, an earnest look in her eyes. “But that doesn’t mean
my feelings have changed, Isaac. And I’m sorry if I hurt you, or
made you feel insecure. That was never what I wanted. But I can’t
change that these feelings have resurfaced – and I have to deal
with them.”

Isaac nodded.

Alessa searched his eyes a moment
longer before she turned and resumed their pace.

“
I just really don’t
understand it,” she explained as she walked. “I thought I’d dealt
with Joe’s loss. I thought I put it behind me, moved on.” She
shrugged. “Maybe I never really did.”

As much as it hurt to know that a part
of Alessa still pined for his brother, Isaac could at least
understand it. After all, a part of him still deeply missed Joe’s
presence, too.

“
The ones we love most
never really leave us, do they?” he said, squeezing her hand. “They
just hole up deep inside us, where we couldn’t get rid of them even
if we tried.”

Alessa smiled gently, her eyes
flashing sideways at Isaac. “Joe would have liked that idea. He
always was a stubborn one.”

Isaac laughed. “What was it they say
about cockroaches and nuclear bombs?”

“
They’re the only
survivors.”

Isaac chuckled to himself. “Yeah, that
sounds about right. Try to blast Joe out of your heart, and he only
digs in further.”

Alessa smiled.

The breeze whipped, an icy jet roaring
down the street beside them, leaving them both with a shiver.
Wrapping his arm around Alessa’s shoulders, Isaac pulled her in
tight and buried his lips in her hair.

In a whisper he wasn’t sure she’d
heard over the howling of the wind, he added, “Just hope I’m in
there a little deeper.”

21. CONTACT

“
Just hope I’m in there a
little deeper,” he’d murmured, but Alessa had pretended she didn’t
hear. There was a time not long ago when that entreaty would have
elicited a resounding affirmation from Alessa. But the truth was,
she just wasn’t sure anymore.