Shiver (3 page)

I rolled my eyes. “Geez, Mom. Get over yourself. Not everything in this world has to do with you.”

Mom sighed. “Then what does it have to do with?”

“Caleb and I broke up, okay?”

“Oh, honey I’m sorry. When did he break up with you?”

“Why would you assume he broke up with me?” I exploded, my face heating up.

“I-I-I,” Mom sputtered. “You were just so upset and—”

“Whatever,” I cut her off and headed out of the kitchen.

“Wait.” Mom stopped me.

I spun around, irritated. “What?”

“Let’s go out for dinner. I’ll take you wherever you want.”

“No thanks.” I spun around and raced down the narrow hallway, bare walls closing in on me, and I thought of how Haley’s were covered in family photos. When I reached my room, I slammed the door. Man, I was tired of this place. It was gonna be great to get away for the summer. I put the soda down on my nightstand, next to several empty cans, and flopped down on my bed. The tired springs creaked beneath my weight. As I stared at the rock and roll posters taped to my wall, I could hear Mom moving around downstairs. She was probably moping.

It wasn’t quite dark yet, but the sky outside my window was tinged with a purplish hue. My stomach growled and I realized I was getting hungry. There was probably nothing in the house. Mom wasn’t good at keeping a stocked fridge. More than once I’d teased her that she couldn’t keep a boyfriend because she had no domestic skills. A guy would think she hung the moon, until she had him over for dinner. One bite of her lasagna and he’d be scared away for life.

We were also broke. Doing hair paid okay, but not if that was the only source of income in a family. Maybe I should have taken Mom up on her offer. Otherwise I’d end up eating peanut butter out of the jar for dinner. Decision made, I scurried down the hallway, just in time to find Mom grabbing her purse and heading toward the front door.

“Hey,” I called after her, “wait up.”

“What?” she turned, a blank expression cloaking her face.

“I changed my mind. Dinner sounds great.”

Mom bit her lip. “Oh, I’m sorry. I called Carol and she invited me to go out tonight.”

“What am I gonna do?”

“I don’t know. Whatever you want.”  Mom pulled a bill out of her wallet. “Here. That should be enough to pick up something for dinner.”

I snatched the money and mumbled, “Thanks.”

Mom smiled, waggled her fingers with her long dagger-like nails at me. “Don’t wait up.”

Don’t worry. I never do.

When the door closed, the silence enveloped me. I examined the money in my hand trying to figure out what I could buy for five dollars. Even though now I didn’t feel so hungry. I threw the bill on the kitchen table and trudged back down the darkened hallway. Swallowing the knot in my throat, I entered the bathroom.

It’s not like I was surprised. I was always the backup plan. No one truly wanted me. No one chose me. Not my dad, who left when Mom told him she was pregnant. Not Caleb who only wanted one thing, or any of the other boys for that matter. Not my mom, who would rather spend a night with her girlfriends than her own daughter.

Sometimes I hated my life. Sometimes I even hated myself.

You’re worthless. No one wants you.
Cold swept over me like a strong wind as the familiar voice whispered in my ear.  Opening the medicine cabinet, I dipped my hand inside. When my fingers located what I wanted, I grabbed it.

Sitting down on the closed toilet seat I held out my arm. For a split second I almost lost my nerve.

Do it. You’ll feel so much better if you do.

Shivering as if my veins were filled with ice, I brought the razor blade to the top of my arm. I held it against my skin and pulled.

For a moment I watched the dark blood spilling out and enjoyed the burning sensation. I wasn’t trying to off myself. Not yet, anyway. The cut wasn’t very deep. In a minute I would clean it up. It was just a way to deal with the pain. It was just a way to cope.

Chapter Two

Grandma’s house was small and yellow with a sweeping porch lined with vibrant flowers. It was nestled in a quiet court. All the lawns were neatly mowed and the cars were parked in the driveways or garages, not lining the streets or parked in the grass like in my neighborhood. I felt like I was stepping into a painting as I climbed out of her car and lugged my suitcases up the steps to her front door. I hadn’t seen Grandma since I was a little girl. She and Mom had issues. However, it only took me a moment to spot her at the airport. She looked almost identical to Mom with her blonde hair, blue eyes and tanned skin.

Grandma was pretty young too. I think all my friends pictured me staying with an old lady who smelled like mothballs, but Grandma was beautiful and smelled like Ralph Lauren perfume.

“Here we are,” she said in her smooth, clear voice as she opened the front door.  I stepped inside, my flip-flops slapping on the hardwood floors. Her family room looked like it had been cut out of a magazine with its cream couches, plush bold colored pillows and matching paintings. I was used to our eclectic mix of furniture we had collected over the years from yard sales and thrift stores.

“Your house is beautiful,” I breathed.

Grandma smiled and patted my back. “Come on. I’ll show you to your room.”

I followed her down the short hallway lined with collages and pictures. We passed her bedroom and a bathroom before she opened the last door. The room was small with a white sleigh bed, matching nightstand and dresser. A large window, overlooking the neighbor’s front yard, covered the far wall and on the opposite wall was a closet with sliding mirrored doors.

“The dresser and nightstand are empty so feel free to organize them however you would like. I’ll let you get settled,” she said before closing the door behind her.

Dropping down onto the blue and white checked quilt that covered the bed, I sighed with satisfaction. The room smelled fresh like laundry detergent. It was so much different from home.  A girl could get used to this. I couldn’t wait to tell Haley. Not for the first time I wished I had a cell phone. During my junior year I worked at Baskin Robbins and saved enough for my car. Even though it was a total clunker and everyone at school teased me, at least it carted me around. With my next job I planned to save for a phone.

In the meantime I knew that Grandma had a computer.  Later I would Facebook Haley. First, I needed to unpack. I knelt on the floor next to my suitcase and unzipped it. It flew open, spilling a couple pairs of jeans and some tops onto the floor. Scooping them up, I headed to the dresser. As I passed the window I caught a glimpse of someone outside through the cracks in the blinds. A thumping sound caught my attention. Stepping forward, I reached out and using my thumb and index finger spread the blinds to peek out. A boy about my age stood in the driveway next door dribbling a basketball. He had short black hair and bronze skin. I couldn’t see his face but from the back he looked pretty built. As if he could sense me staring he turned around. He had dark eyes and a nice face. To be honest, he was totally hot.  My heart beat faster and I felt my palms clamming up. I immediately pulled my hands away, causing the blinds to click back in place. The last thing I needed was to get my mind back on boys.

I had sworn them off. Where was my self-control?

Turning away from the window I resumed unpacking and tried not to think about the boy next door. 

Later that evening while Grandma made dinner, I sat outside on her porch swing. I told myself I only wanted to bask in the warm weather, not try to catch a glimpse of the hot neighbor. Even though I did smooth down my hair and apply my favorite lip-gloss. It didn’t matter anyway because the court was deadly silent like a ghost town. The only sound was the creaking of the swing as it rocked back and forth. A rustling in the bushes startled me, causing me to gasp and flinch. When a black cat pounced out, hissed at me and scurried toward the house next door I felt silly. Usually I didn’t get spooked so easily.

“Hey,” a voice called, unnerving me further.

I turned and saw a teenage girl with long black hair, wearing skinny jeans and a black halter-top walking in my direction. Where had she come from? In her hand she held a shopping bag and behind her I saw a car that hadn’t been there before, parked along the curb. How did I not hear her pull up?

“That’s Pepper,” she said.

“What?”

“My cat. I saw her scare you. Sorry about that. She’s shy.”  She approached, stuck out her hand.  “I’m Rhiannon, by the way.” I noticed her nails were short, painted black and she had a tattoo I couldn’t identify on the inner part of her wrist.

I thought of my own markings and pulled my long-sleeved shirt down lower before returning the handshake. Her skin was hot as if she had a fever.  “I’m Mackenzie but most people call me Kenzie for short. It’s sort of a mouthful.”

“You must be Felicia’s granddaughter.”

I nodded, studying Rhiannon. She had smooth, ivory skin, a pert nose, red lips, and eyes the most intense color green I’d ever seen. She smelled like incense.

“Cool. You know, you have a great aura. I can tell we’re gonna be friends.” She winked.

I smiled. I wasn’t sure about the whole aura thing but I liked the sound of us being friends. I sure could use some.

Rhiannon looked down at her shopping bag. “Well, I better go. I’m havin’ some friends over later. Gotta set up.”

“Oh? Are you having a party?”

“Somethin’ like that.” She gave me a contemplative look. “Maybe next time I’ll invite you. First I’ll have to get approval from the other members.”

“Members? What are you, like, in a gang or something?” Instantly I regretted the words. What if she was? Then I just totally put myself in danger.

She laughed. “Not exactly. Anyway, it was nice to meet you. I’ll see you around.”

“Hey, wait up,” I called after her. “I wanted to ask you about the boy on the other side of Grandma’s house. Dark hair. About our age.” I hoped he wasn’t her boyfriend or anything.

“Oh, you mean Isaac.” She wrinkled her nose like she just caught a whiff of B.O. “If I were you I’d stay away from him.” With that she turned on her heels and headed toward her house.

I stared after her, wondering what she meant by that.

A second later Grandma poked her head outside. “Dinner time.” She looked around expectantly. “Were you just talking to someone?”

“Yeah,” I said as I stood up. “That was Rhiannon, the girl next door.”

“That’s good that you are already making friends.”

I peered over at the house next door, closed up, curtains drawn. She did seem nice but definitely mysterious. “Do you know her very well?”

“Not really. Her family just moved in a few months ago.”

I followed Grandma inside and sat across from her at the dining table. “Do you know if she’s dating the boy on the other side of your house? Isaac?”

Grandma was spooning salad on her plate but she froze and smiled up at me. “Wow, you sure don’t waste any time.”

I bristled at the remark. Had Mom filled her in on my reputation with boys?

“You’ve already learned a lot about my neighborhood. You’re much more outgoing than your mom was, that’s for sure. It would take her days to make friends when we would go to new places.”

My shoulders relaxed with her explanation. “Well, I haven’t actually met Isaac. Rhiannon told me his name. She just said something weird that made me think something might be going on there.”

“Not that I’m aware of. He is a cute boy. Maybe she has a crush on him. I have never seen them together and according to his mom he does not have a girlfriend.”

“You’re friends with his mom?” My cheeks warmed and I hoped they weren’t noticeably red.

Grandma nodded, chewing. After swallowing she said, “Yeah, we go to the same church.”

Grandma’s religion was one of the many things she and Mom disagreed upon. 

“They’re a great family,” Grandma continued.  “Lived here for years. We’ll go over there tomorrow and I’ll introduce you. I know they have been very excited about your visit.”

I stared hard at my plate, hiding the grin on my face. Even though I knew I shouldn’t be, I was really looking forward to meeting Isaac.

After dinner while Grandma and I lounged on the couch and drank tea, she insisted I call Mom to tell her I made it okay. I tried to explain that Mom didn’t care. That morning she acted like she could hardly wait to get rid of me. But Grandma wouldn’t take no for an answer so I gave in.

When I got her voice mail I shot Grandma an “I-told-you-so” look and then left a message. “Hey Mom, Grandma just wanted me to call and tell you I made it here fine. Bye.”

Grandma smiled when I hung up. “See that wasn’t so painful.”

“She didn’t even answer. I told you she wasn’t worried about me. Probably forgot I existed already.”

“Oh, stop being so melodramatic. Maybe she was working. I’m sure she will be happy to get your message.”

“I can’t believe you defend her so much. Believe me, she’s not that generous about you.”