Shine Not Burn (42 page)

“Hands off.
 
I’m not kidding.
 
You’re not going to charm yourself out of this one.
 
He’s coming, and when he realizes I’ve been sleeping with you, he’s going to make a big stink and everyone will know that we’re both cheater assholes.”

Mack laughed.
 
“Cheaters?
 
How can we possibly be cheating when we’re married?”

I growled.
 
“Rrrrrr, you know what I mean!
 
Don’t try to make me feel better about what I’ve done.”

Mack leaned really far over and snatched my hand, refusing to let it go.
 
“You’ve done nothing wrong, you hear me?
 
Love is what it is and love does what it does to survive.
 
It’s an instinct.
 
Technically you were cheating on me with him, but I don’t look at it that way.
 
I know you didn’t remember, I believe you.
 
And now you know you’re married to me and you’re sleeping with me as my wife.
 
Nothing wrong happened.
 
Nothing.”

I was too angry to guard my words.
 
“It’s not love, okay?
 
Stop calling it that.”

He dropped my hand and stared straight ahead.
 
“Is that so.”
 
It came out like a statement.
 
I’d hurt him.
 
But I couldn’t stop myself from burying the knife in deeper.

“Yeah, that’s so.
 
It’s just lust.
 
You’ll get tired of it soon enough, and then I’ll have to go back with my tail between my legs and beg for forgiveness from everyone.”

Mack shook his head.
 
“Girl, you really need to get your head out of your keister if you’re ever going to find happiness in life.”
 
He kicked his horse and surged ahead, leaving me to follow in his dust.

I think my horse was as shocked as I was.
 
She just plodded along, as if Mack and his mount weren’t getting tinier and tinier in the distance.
 
The house was close - I could make out its roof less than a mile away - but still … I was fuming about being left behind by the time we entered the front yard.
 
Boog was waiting for me, a bland look on his face.

“What are you looking at?” I asked, pissed at him for being such a gossip.

“City slicker.
 
What are you looking at?”

“A stupid wookie man-bear-pig who doesn’t know how to mind his own business.”
 
I slid off the horse and caught myself before falling onto my butt.
 
My legs were going to be really sore tomorrow from all the riding, along with my ass.

He laughed. “I know about wookies, but man-bear-pigs?
 
What’s that?”

I was too frustrated to spar with him.
 
“Go look in the mirror.
 
I’m busy.”
 
I clomped up the steps and left him to take care of the horse.
 
He’d taken the reins so I assumed that’s what he was there for.

“You have to brush your horse out!” he shouted behind me.

“I’ll do it later!” I yelled back, banging the door behind me.
 
I strode into the kitchen to get a glass of water.
 
Maeve was there at the sink and it slowed me down considerably.

“Oh.
 
Hi.
 
I didn’t know you’d be here.”

Maeve looked at me over her shoulder and smiled before going back to her task.
 
“Where else would I be?”

I went over and leaned on the nearby counter.
 
“I don’t know, actually.
 
What do you do here?”

“Lots of things.”
 
She was snapping beans in the sink.
 
“Clean.
 
Cook.
 
Take care of the chicken and gardens.”

“Sounds … fun.”
 
I was totally lying.

“Actually, it’s a very simple life but I find it relaxing and enjoyable.
 
I can finish my work in half the day and that leaves the rest of it for personal pursuits.”

“Oh yeah?
 
Like what kind of personal pursuits?”

“Crocheting.
 
Painting.
 
Book club.
 
I do lots of things on the side of my work life.”

I sighed wistfully.
 
“All of those things are things I wish I had time for.”
 
This time I wasn’t lying.
 
I was a total granny at heart.

She shrugged, never hesitating in her work.
 
“So find the time.”

“Ha.
 
That’s funny.
 
Have you ever worked in a law firm?”

“Can’t say as I have.”

“Well, it sucks for free time.
 
I work from six in the morning until sometimes ten at night or even later when I’m going to trial.”

“Sounds like you don’t even have time to breathe.”

I stared out the window into the back yard.
 
“I don’t.
 
I haven’t had time to breathe since I was fifteen years old.”
 
The simple sad truth of that calmed me down completely.
 
“I don’t know why I ever thought that was something I wanted.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself.
 
First off, you were young and you were doing what you needed to do to make the most of things.
 
And second, you’re still young.
 
You aren’t stuck doing what you don’t want to do.
 
If your life isn’t working for you, change it.”
 
She stopped with her bean-snapping and looked at me.
 
“Nobody’s forcing you to stay where you are in life.”

“I am,” I said pitifully.

She smiled.
 
“Well, my advice is to not let
you
stand in the way of your own happiness.”

“Yeah,” I said, blinking a few times as the words sunk in.
 
“That is kind of dumb, isn’t it?”

“Not dumb.
 
Safe.
 
I get the impression you’ve lived a safe life.”

I chuckled bitterly.
 
“For the most part, yes.
 
And the one time I stepped out of the safety zone, I monumentally screwed up the lives of about five people.”
 
I was tallying up the entire MacKenzie family as collateral damage.

“I doubt that.”
 
She lifted a big container of beans out of the sink and put it on the counter.
 
“Life has a way of working out, whether it’s following our plan or not.
 
I have a feeling that you’re going to look back on that time you stepped out of your safety zone, as one of the best things you could have done for yourself.”

“I really wish you knew what you were talking about,” I said, before I realized how rude it sounded.

She laughed.
 
“Trust me.
 
I know what I’m talking about.”

“Have you screwed up before?
 
Like massively, awfully screwed up?”

She nodded. “Yep.
 
We all have.
 
It’s part of becoming a strong person.”
 
She put her hands on her hips and faced me.
 
“I’m a strong person, Andie.
 
But it’s only because I’ve fought for it.”

“Shine not burn,” I said softly, my heart collapsing in on itself in my chest.

She nodded.
 
“That’s right.
 
We MacKenzie girls shine, not burn.”
 
She pulled me into a hug.
 
“You’re one of us, so you should know.”

I broke into tears, clinging to her like a drowning girl to a life ring.

Chapter Thirty-Seven

AFTER I’D CRIED MYSELF OUT and blubbered all over Maeve’s very understanding shoulder, I walked up to Ian’s room and fell into an exhausted sleep.
 
I dreamed of huge groups of people witnessing my shame and condemning me for it.
 
Visions of my mother’s boyfriend accusing me of being a slut tortured my already bruised sense of self-worth.
 
Mewling cries escaped my lips as I pictured my bosses firing me for besmirching the reputation of the firm.

It was then that I felt a warmth come over me and the darkness slip away.
 
Like a magic spell had been cast, I went from disintegrating to safe.
 
Alone to protected.
 
I shifted in the bed and realized I wasn’t alone anymore.

“What are you doing here?” I asked in a tear-scratched voice.

“Shhh, just go to sleep.
 
You’re exhausted.”

“But what about dinner?” I wasn’t hungry, but I hoped to get rid of him.
 
I didn’t deserve the care and compassion; I deserved to be punished.

“Dinner’s long over.
 
If you want, we saved you a plate, but I think you should just sleep.
 
I kept you out in the sun too long.
 
Sorry about that, babe.”

“It’s not the sun.”
 
It’s the giant crack in my heart that will never heal.

He kissed my neck tenderly.
 
“No, it’s not the sun.
 
It’s me.
 
I wore you out with King Dong.”

I laughed in spite of myself.
 
“Shut up.”

“Fine.”
 
He kissed my shoulder. “Go to sleep.”

“Go away and I will,” I whispered, already falling into the twilight sleep zone where nothing made much sense and shadows of memories swirled and danced.

“I’m not going anywhere…”

It was the last thing I remembered hearing before the sun streaming in the window woke me up.
 
It was the morning of the picnic, dawning sunny and bright.
 
My heart felt like ten pounds of lead in my chest.

Chapter Thirty-Eight

“WAKE UP SLEEPY HEAD!
 
I have a dress for you to wear today.”
 
Maeve swished into my room wearing a pretty wrap-around dress covered in yellow flowers.

 
“What?”
 
I sat up, my hair a rat’s nest on my head. Every muscle in my body let me know that it was sore and very unhappy about being overused the day before.

She held up a blue halter neck dress.
 
“A dress.
 
For you to wear.
 
Mack bought it for you in town, along with these sandals.”
 
She held up a pair of darker blue slip-ons in her other hand.

I stared at the dress’s simple lines, flowing material, and low neckline.
 
It’s exactly what I would have picked myself if I’d done the shopping, perfect for a sunny day in Baker City.
 
“I … can’t wear that.”

“Why ever not?” She looked at it critically.

“Because … what if it doesn’t fit?”

She draped it over a chair and put the shoes on the floor nearby.
 
“He looked on the tags of your clothes.
 
I’m sure it will fit.
 
You have a beautiful figure.”

“Have you seen my butt?” I asked, swinging my legs out off the side of the bed and staring at the floor.
 
Every square inch of my body was aching, from my scalp to the bottom of my feet.
 
I’d never felt so wasted in all my life.
 
No wonder Mack has such a killer body.
 
What a frigging workout.

She smiled; I could hear it in her voice.
 
“I happen to know that men like bountiful figures, so even though yours could stand a few more pounds on it, I think you’re going to do just fine with … the men of Baker City.”

I looked up at her, my expression broadcasting the shame in my heart.
 
“I have some bad news about the picnic.”

She stopped in her fussing around the room.
 
“Oh yes?
 
What’s that?”

“My fiancé, soon to be
ex
-fiancé, is on his way out here.
 
I’m surprised he isn’t here yet.
 
I’m pretty sure you won’t want either one of us at your party when that happens.”

“Nonsense.
 
Any friend of yours is a friend of ours.”
 
She moved some picture frames around on the dresser as if they’d be much better off being one inch more to the right or left.

“You don’t understand,” I explained.
 
“He’s coming to take me back but I’m going to break up with him and go back on my own.
 
I’m canceling the wedding.
 
It’s going to be ugly.”

She turned her head and grinned at me.
 
She actually grinned, like my life falling apart was funny.
 
I frowned, wondering why she’d be so happy about it.
 
Maybe I’d misjudged her friendliness.

“I’m sure it’ll be fine.
 
As soon as he gets a taste of Grandma Lettie’s beef brisket he’ll settle right down and stay for pie.
 
And I’ve made pecan and apple, so he’ll be too full to give you a hard time.”

Now her happiness made sense.
 
She hadn’t met Bradley yet.

I stood, shuffling over to the door.
 
“You are living in a really nice fantasy world.
 
Are you taking on immigrants? I’d like to move in.”

She smiled, walking past me out into the hallway.
 
“You are always welcome in my fantasy world.
 
Or my real one for that matter.”
 
She left me, headed towards the stairs.
 
“We could use your help downstairs whenever you’re ready.
 
We have almost a hundred people on their way and we still don’t have all the tables out.”