Shifting Gears: The Complete Series (Sports Bad Boy Romance) (70 page)

We could go on like that all day so I
re-directed her a bit by saying, “So how did you end up in jail, Mom?”

She sighed and said, “I left the meeting
last night with all those memories fresh in my head. I felt like the scum of
the earth. I felt sorry for you and sorry for myself and I was even questioning
my right to live. The pills I’d taken earlier in the day when you were gone
were wearing off and I just needed a little taste of something…you know?” She
acted like that was understandable to anyone, but the truth was, I didn’t know.
I had no idea what it felt like to want to alter your thoughts. I loved being
in control of mine. I needed to be. As far as I know, I’d never been addicted
to anything. That’s not to say I didn’t have my own set of issues…just that I
didn’t understand that particular one. I stayed silent though. She knew that I
didn’t understand that part of her. After a few minutes, she went on, “Instead
of heading home on the bus like you told me, I walked down towards the
warehouse district. I’d been down there before. I knew that someone would be
out, selling something. I hadn’t walked more than a few miles when I saw who I
thought I was looking for. There was this young guy, about your age I guess,
just sitting there on this brick wall out in front of the park. He was watching
me and I decided to take a chance. I asked him if he knew where I could get
something to calm my nerves and he said, “Something like what?” I’m so stupid.
I said, “You know some OxyContin or something like that. He took out a little
baggie with a few pills in it. I asked him how much and he told me. I handed
him the money…he handed me the drugs and as I started to walk away he told me
that I was under arrest.”

“Where did you get the money to buy the
drugs?” I knew the answer but I wanted to see if she would be honest with me.

“I’ve been saving it from the money you
left me for food. I know that’s the same as stealing since I used it for
drugs…but you know I don’t think clearly when I’m using.”

She went back and forth from remorseful to
making excuses. It was typical addict behavior and went hand and hand with all
of the lies. I couldn’t stand this drama any longer. Shaking my head I said,
“Wow Mom, maybe you were lucky he was a cop. Do you have any idea how dangerous
that part of town is for a woman alone? I could have gotten a much worse phone
call. Do you have any idea how awful it is for me to live that way?”

“I know,” she said. I didn’t think she
really did. Then she said the most honest thing I had heard her say, “But when
I get like that, I don’t care.”

That was the bottom line. When she was
using, the drugs were absolutely the only thing that mattered. “So what are we
going to do, Mom? We have to do something.”

“I know,” she said through her tears.
“What do you want me to do, Jessie?”

“You have to make your own decisions about
this, but what I want is the same thing I’ve wanted you to do my whole life,
clean up yours. I can’t do this anymore, and I know I’ve said that before
Mom…but I mean it this time. I’m at the end of my rope. I love you, but I can’t
come home to painted walls or a missing mother anymore. I just can’t do it.
Your drama spills over into every life you touch and it’s not fair.”

“I know. I’m so sorry. Do you want me to
move out?”

“I want you to get some help. If you
choose not to do that, then yes Mom, I’m done. If you agree to the help though,
I’ll do whatever I can. I want you to get better.”

“You mean that you want me to go into a
rehab or something?” The word “rehab” seemed to stick on her tongue. Just the
thought of getting clean scared her to death.

“Would you be willing to do that?” I asked
her. Then I re-iterated, “You can’t do it for me though, or just so I won’t cut
you out of my life.. You have to do it for you, Mom. It won’t work otherwise
and it won’t be easy either…”

“I know, I’ve been there before once,
remember? It was hard as hell. I was clean for over a year and then I got into
that bad relationship and he hurt me and I just fell right back into my old
patterns.”

She was still giving the same old excuses
too. “If you’re really serious about changing your life you have to change all
of it, Mom. You can’t keep cycling through these bad relationships. You can’t
keep depending on someone else for your own happiness. You have to learn how to
love yourself and take care of yourself. No one else is going to do that, Mom.
These men you’re with don’t respect you because you don’t respect yourself. If
you listen to your therapists, I’m sure they will tell you the same.”

Mom was nodding. She looked terrified and
I was trying to ignore that and stay strong. She was quiet for a while and
eventually she said, “I want to stop using, for good. I want to try and make
amends to you for everything I’ve put you through. I really don’t want to be
this way. I don’t want to die and I don’t want to live my life this way
forever, I’m just scared.”

“I know you’re scared Mom. I’m sorry about
that, and I don’t need you to do anything for me except get better. I wouldn’t
suggest this if I didn’t think it was the best thing for you…for both of us. I
want my mother back. I love you. I will always love you. But I’m done with all
of this. I can’t…I won’t watch you destroy yourself any longer. You need to do
this before this addiction kills you.”

“I want to make you proud of me. I want to
be a real mother. I know it’s hard to believe, but I do. I always hated that I
wasn’t that to you. When I was high, it was easy to believe it wasn’t my fault,
but it was…it still is.”

“I know you want to do right by me.” I
really did. For years I could see in her eyes that my mother was still in there
and fighting to be let out. I knew she loved me. “Can I call around and see if
we can find a facility for you to go to?”

“Yes…I’m scared though, Jessie,” she had
tears spilling down her cheeks again and I realized at that moment I did too. I
went over and sat down next to her on the couch. I put my arm around her and
pulled her against my shoulder and held her while she cried. Kissing the top of
her silky red head I said, “I know, Mom. I’m scared too. But I have faith that
you can do this, and I’m going to be there by your side, every step of the
way.”

“I don’t know how I’ll pay for it…”

“I have some money in my savings. I’ll pay
for it.”

Sucking in a huge sob she said, “I don’t
deserve you, Jessie, but I’m so grateful for you, honey. I will pay you back
for all of this someday. I really will, I promise. I love you.”

“Love you too, Mom.”

CHAPTER
TWO

I spent the rest of the evening after Mom
and I talked, researching and calling rehab facilities in our area. There were
a lot of them online. Some, like the ones in Malibu and that area were like
fancy spas. It’s not that I didn’t think my Mom deserved that, but they cost
upwards of ten grand for a month’s stay. I had to find something I could
afford. She didn’t have any income, so she couldn’t use the sliding scale
places and she had no insurance. They didn’t make it easy. I couldn’t see an
addict doing all of this for themselves.

 
Mom
took a long, hot bath and had gone to bed. Some sleep would do her a world of
good, I hoped. Looking for a rehab for Mom was good therapy for me too. It
restored some of my hope that she would get better and move on with her life
and it kept my mind off of what was going on with Paul and his little family.
Every time I thought about that, the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach
returned. I’m not much of a pray-er, but I even said a little prayer that they
got out in time. I didn’t want to think about what may have happened if he
found them. If Paul never chose to talk to me again, I may never know.

I finally found a facility that had a bed
and was willing to take her in the morning. It was a nicer one and in a decent
neighborhood too. It was pricier than I’d hoped. It was going to take nearly
all of my savings, but I had to do it. We wouldn’t make it any further as a
family if I didn’t. I’d been saving for my future. Taking care of Mom was my
future, so I guess I used it for that, in a way. The facility wasn’t too far
from me and once she was doing well and the drugs were all out of her system, I
could visit her often. They wouldn’t let me visit her until they deemed her to
be “stable” in her recovery process. I was almost afraid to tell her that. I
was afraid she’d change her mind. She cried again, but she was still willing to
go. We stayed up late talking. It was the first time in a really long time that
I had hope for our future as Mom and daughter.

I woke up the next morning exhausted from
tossing and turning all night and with a knot in the pit of my stomach. I still
hadn’t heard
 
from Paul and I was
dropping my mother off with strangers in hopes that they could do what I had
failed at time and time again: “Fix” what was wrong with her. I looked at the
clock and knew I needed to get up and get this over with. I pulled back the
covers and let my feet hit the floor.

I called Greg before I got into the
shower. “Hey Greg,” I was trying to keep the quiver I was feeling out of my
voice. I didn’t want my employer to know just how messed up my life was
although he was a compassionate guy and I knew he would do his best to
understand. It was too embarrassing.

“Hey Jessie,” he said. With concern in his
voice he said, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I said, trying to sound more
upbeat. “Why?”

“You just sound a little strange like
you’re upset. What’s up?”

“I just have to take care of a family
matter this morning. My first appointment is at nine with a lady named
Michaela. I hate to cancel on her because she’s got a big race coming up this
weekend and she wanted to do some work on her calves…She’s a new client too…”

“She’s a runner?” he asked.

“A cycler,” I told him. “Anyways, is there
anyone available who can take her for me? I can probably make it back by ten
thirty or eleven if not…I could re-schedule her. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. We’ve got your
back. I’ll take care of her myself. Are you sure you’re okay though?”

“I’m sure, thank you so much, Greg. My
mother is having some medical problems…nothing major, but she needs me today.”

“Then go and be with her. Family comes
first, always, you know that. We’re a big family around here.” I knew that and
I was grateful. I thanked him again and then I went in to see if my mother was
up. I was pleasantly surprised to see that not only was she up, but she was
making breakfast. From the few times I tasted what she’d actually tried to cook
for me, I knew that she was a terrible cook. This was one of those things
though where it was the thought that counted.

“Well, look at all of this,” I said of the
spread she was sitting out across the table. “It looked like she’d been up
cooking for hours.”

She gave me a nervous smile. It made my
heart hurt to think about how scared she must be. I had to be strong and
remember this was the best thing I could do for her. It was even harder when
she was being so sweet.

“I wanted to do something…motherly, for
you.”

“Pancakes and oatmeal are the best.
Thanks, Mom.” I gave her a kiss on the cheek.

“You’re welcome. I wish I would have done
more of this when you were a kid. We missed out on so much because of my
problems.”

“You know what? There’s no going back. I’m
here, alive and if I do say so myself I turned out all right. Everyone makes
mistakes, but unfortunately life doesn’t let us go back and correct them. We
have to just keep moving forward. So let’s make a pact now, okay…no looking
back.”

She handed me a glass of orange juice and
held hers up and said, “To brighter days for us both.”

“Here, here,” I toasted her with a smile.

After we ate I helped her pack her things
and we headed out. The ride to the rehab was a quiet one, both of us wrapped up
in our own thoughts and our own hopes and fears. I drove into the small lot
next to the big residential house that had been turned into a rehab and I
parked. At first we just sat there, neither of us was overly anxious to do
this. Finally after about five minutes of staring at the place she said, “It
looks nice.”

“Yeah, I think this is going to be a good
place for you. Are you ready?” She took one last deep breath and said, “Yeah,
let’s do this.”

Once inside we spent about forty five
minutes meeting with the therapist and doing paperwork. I had to make my first
payment and then I would send or bring in a check a week after that. I would
have to hustle for clients to build my savings back up but I wasn’t going to
stress over that right now. When it was time for me to go, Mom and I were both
fighting the tears.

I hugged her tight and said, “Things are
going to be okay for here on out. I know you can do this. You’re a strong
woman. You’re stronger than the stuff that keeps getting in your way. Believe
that for me, okay?”

“You know what, honey? For a change, I’m
going to make sure that things are okay so you don’t have to worry so much. I
wish I was as strong as the woman you have become. I know I have no right, but
I am so proud of you I could bust.”