Shifting Gears (6 page)

Those words, as I utter them, cut me
deep.

“I don’t know what you’re doing right
now. Why you’re here. Why you’re in my face.” I slowly begin to
back away from him. “I can take care of myself, Holt. I don’t need
you or want you around. I’m not that same naïve, eager girl you
left that day. You made sure of that.”

Careful, Niki.

“When I saw you at the bar that night
I didn’t think you even remembered me, the way you looked right
past me. And I was good with that. I hoped you were just passing
through. So, I’m going back in there now. Please don’t try and stop
me.”

I’m so proud of myself for standing my
ground, but I know it’s the alcohol, that without it, I would be
hiding in a corner, away from him.

“The fuck you are!” he growls at me,
with such immense anger that I start shaking again. “You’re drunk.
Your friends weren’t looking out for you. That fucker in there is
lucky I didn’t break his goddamn neck for touching you like he did.
I knew you were watching me, so I fucking held back. Dug deep for
that shit, babe.” His eyes, the way they are on me, slice into my
skin. “I’m taking you home. That’s it. But if you don’t get in the
fucking car right now, I’ll put you in myself, and I can promise
you my hands will find themselves in places you may not want them
to be.”

My mind is screaming at me to get as
far away from him as I possibly can. My body, though—and the
addiction I still have to him—react to his words. I’m still afraid
he might hurt my friends, and so, my mind succumbs to my body.
Instead of doing the safe thing, the sensible thing, I get in the
fucking car.

Holt slides in beside me and starts
her up. My thoughts race back to the last time I was here with him
like this, watching him shift gears like he’s making love to a
woman. It was an erotic sight to watch back then and my body,
tingling all over, is showing me that nothing’s changed.

God, to be inside Sex on Wheels again.
Bliss. The way the soft leather of the seats feels on my skin, and
the engine rumbling beneath me. I fight back the arousal, but with
Holt only inches away, the intensity is real. It’s taking hold of
me, threatening to render me powerless. Christ.

“Seatbelt,” he demands, pulling me
away from my thoughts.

I stare. I don’t move, and I’m about
to protest again that I don’t want to go anywhere with him, but
before I can speak, he moves. He closes in, within inches of my
face, reaching over my body, the hardness of his chest pressed
against mine.

His scent is in my face. Like a
windswept drive with the windows down, with a hint of gunpowder and
leather, intoxicating me even further. I panic. He’s going to kiss
me, and if he does, I already know I’m not going to have the
willpower to stop him. He’s looking intently into my eyes, but then
he reaches past me for the seatbelt, latches it in then turns back
to the wheel. I slowly and quietly release the breath I was
holding.

We’re driving, and in the car is
nothing but silence. Holt hasn’t said a word since pulling out of
The Rox’s parking lot. He’s lit up a cigarette, and he’s smoking
it, staring at the road in front of us. He doesn’t look relaxed as
he smokes—his body is stiff and he looks uncomfortable.

No way in hell I’m talking. The
alcohol is still whirling in my head, so I know anything I say
would be too much truth. The silence is killing me, but I look out
the window and do my best to remain calm and not speak. How the
hell did I let all this happen? How do I go from dancing with Clay
one minute, having fun, to being stuck in this car with
Holt?

I haven’t been paying attention, and
when I snap out of my thoughts, we’re pulling up at my building. He
puts Sex on Wheels in park directly under our unit. How the hell
does he know where I live? Cass and I were living in an apartment
closer to the school when he left. It wasn’t until a year after he
disappeared that we moved into the condo.

Before I get the chance to question
him, he turns to me, seemingly a bit calmer. “Just so you know, you
didn’t
allow
me to do anything. You were walking out of
there with me whether you liked it or not. I would’ve picked you up
and thrown you over my shoulder if I had to. Your man, or whatever
the fuck he is to you, wasn’t watching out for you…and that he
would give any other man a chance to dance with you or put their
fucking hands on you tells me he doesn’t give a fuck about you,
Nicolette. You deserve better than that shit.

“When you’re mine again, every man
will know it, and the closest they’ll get to you is in their
fucking head. And what kind of shit is this that you didn’t think I
remembered you? Is that why you did what you did at the clinic? You
almost had me believing you didn’t fucking remember me, and I came
so fucking close to taking you right there in that room, to make
you remember.”

A tremor rushes through me at his
words, and a fire builds between my thighs. He’s so full of anger
and lust and desire, I can feel it, but I don’t understand it. Has
he got bored of Amber? Is he just settling for me, using me to
occupy his time again?

“How dare you lecture me on what I
deserve? I was never ‘yours,’ Holt. You. Left. Me. You didn’t call.
You didn’t write. You. Just. Left. You come back now, after all
this fucking time, and think you can just walk in and try to be my
knight in shining fucking armor? Do you really think I’m that
desperate, that needy, that stupid? Not going to fucking happen,
Holt.”

Before I can think, before I can move,
Holt is pushing his body against mine, trapping me. He crushes my
mouth, capturing it with a hungry urgency. I instinctively try to
push him off, but he’s stroking my lips with his tongue, forcing
them to part. When he grabs the back of my neck, his kiss is
deeper, and I spiral out of control. He owns me. It never left.
Every inch of me is on fire. I don’t want this. I can’t want
this.

I slowly wrap my arms around his neck,
pulling him closer, wanting more. Not thinking. Lost in the dreams
that have haunted me for so long.

Damn it, Niki. Stop. Don’t
let him have this.

My sense rushes back to me.

You can’t let him hurt you
again. Stop, Niki. Stop.

Somehow, I find the strength to push
him away. Moving quickly, I grab the door handle and jump out,
running up the sidewalk, not looking back. After all the tears I’d
shed for him, after everything he did to me, after all these
fucking years, I still want him, and I just showed him.
Pathetic.

Before I can make it to my door, I’m
spun around. Holt has me in his arms. Inches away from his face, I
can feel his breath on my skin. I’m trying my best to hold back my
tears, to keep myself from succumbing to him. I’m screaming at
myself to remember what it was like after he left, but all I can
remember is his body, how it felt to be in his arms.

“You haven’t forgotten what we had,
baby. I see it. Lie to me, lie to yourself, but I feel how your
body reacts to me. You can fight it, but I know you’ll be back
underneath me, begging me to fuck you again. You can’t know how
much I want that right now. But there’s shit I need to explain to
you. Things I should’ve told you a long time ago but
couldn’t.

“I didn’t leave because I wanted to. I
had to, and I’ve thought of you every single fucking day since.
Couldn’t stay away. I tried. I know a lot of time’s gone by and
things have changed, but I want you as much now as the day I left.
That hasn’t changed. I know I got shit to say, to prove to you, but
it’s happening, babe. You showed me that tonight as much as you
tried to hide it. I know you. I know that body, how it feels with
me. You know it too.”

My head is spinning, my body is still
on fire from his kiss, his touch... I don’t how to respond, because
I don’t understand. What could’ve made him
have
to leave?
What about her? He hasn’t even mentioned that. Does he realize I
know? Did he say the same shit to her when he came back to town? I
can’t think straight. Some small part of me, somewhere, clings to
the hope that maybe, just maybe, he’s telling the truth, that I
should hear him out.

“Be ready tomorrow night at seven.
I’ll pick you up, we’ll get something to eat, and talk.”

I hear myself say, “Okay.” No
willpower. Deep down, I want to understand. I want to hear him say
I’m not the reason he left.

“Cell.”

It takes me a moment to register that
he’s asking for my cellphone. When I pull it out of my purse, I
have five missed calls and a dozen text messages. Damn. Cass. I
forgot my cell was on vibrate. She’s probably worried out of her
mind. He grabs it and starts pushing buttons then pulls his out and
does the same, asking me for my number. As he hands my phone back,
our hands touch, electrifying me.

“My number’s in there, babe, and now I
have yours.”

All that manages to escape my lips is,
“Okay.”

Holt walks me the rest of the way to
my door. Gone is the force and anger, replaced by the same
gentleness he’d shown me when he used to caress my hair in bed,
after he thought I was asleep. He takes my keys from my hands,
unlocks my door, and then turns to me, inching his body up against
mine again, causing me to back up to the wall.

He puts his arms on either side of me,
caging me. He’s so close... He’s going to kiss me again. I can feel
it, and I don’t have the strength to survive it. I’m already
imagining leading him into the house, and into my
bedroom.

Instead, he lifts my chin so I look
directly at him. “I’ve missed you, baby, more than you can ever
fucking know. Being around you like this does crazy shit to my
head. You’ve got to know I would never hurt anyone who means
something to you. If they get in my way, though, I can’t control
that shit.” He brings his face in closer now, and I hold my breath.
He gently touches his lips to my forehead then leans in to whisper
in my ear, making the fine hairs stand up, “Goodnight, Nicolette.
Sweet dreams, baby.”

He opens the door for me, and I walk
in, turning back to glance at him as I stand in the doorway.
“Goodnight,” I say, my voice trembling, as I slowly close the
door.

Inside, I let go of the breath I’ve
been holding. How has everything in my finally-back-together-again
life changed in just one night? My promotion giving me that boost
of confidence and self-worth I needed, only for Holt to show up and
bring all the insecurities and self-doubts that came as a result of
him disappearing back to the surface.

Yeah, I’m not going to get any sleep
tonight.

I’m still leaning against the wall
inside my doorway, lost in thoughts of Holt. His words, his kiss,
his touch. It’s too much for me. Every part of my body aches for
him. My lips are swollen from his kiss, longing for
more.

I have to stay away. I can’t let this
happen. I don’t need to hear his excuses. They’re just that:
excuses. His reason for leaving isn’t going to change what it did
to me after he left. It’s not going to change the way I am
now.

The door handle jiggles, and I panic.
Has he come back? I’m standing there, unable to move, when Cassie
walks in and rushes up to me.

“Niki! Are you okay? We were so
worried, but didn’t know what to do. Everything happened so damn
fast, and the way Holt was looking at you, God. Are you okay? Talk
to me.”

“Yes,” I mumble before she rattles
on.

“Tonight was a-freaking-mazing to
watch! The way Holt came up to you like that, and the way the you
were looking at each other. I could feel the heat coming off the
two of you. When he reached over and whispered in your ear, yowza,
honey! I could barely keep myself together. Ang and I were both
speechless when he walked you out.”

Cass begins to fan herself and rolls
her eyes. She can hardly contain herself from the excitement. I
know her just as well as she knows me. She walks to the couch and
plops across it, motioning me to join her.

“But then I got worried. Clay is upset
at the whole thing too. He’s blaming himself for Holt getting
involved in the first place. He thinks he never should’ve left you
with that guy, the way you were. You weren’t being yourself, but he
thought it would be good for you to loosen up a little bit and have
fun. We all did, really.”

I throw my head back against the wall
and let out a sigh of frustration. If only I hadn’t done that shit
in the first place. None of this would’ve happened.

“He’s mad at us for letting you go
with Holt like that. Ha. Like we could’ve stopped him. I can’t get
that look Holt was giving you out of my mind. It was almost like he
would kill for you.”

Those words send a shiver down my
body.

“I saw the way you were looking at him
too, Nik. I’m not going to tell you what I saw because I think you
already know. I’m just glad you’re home, and I’m here if you want
to talk, which I hope you do, because I have been dying to know
what happened after you left.”

“He kissed me.”

Cass stands there in silence, biting
her lip, I know to stop her mouth from dropping. She knows me. And
right now, she doesn’t know how to react.