Shifting Gears (18 page)

We only got a few hours’ sleep that
night, and the next morning, after showering and getting dressed
for work, I leaned over him, still in bed, and gave him a quick
kiss, reminding him about dinner that night at my place. Nothing
special about that goodbye, from him or me. I remembered, though,
after replaying the scene in my head over and over again, that he
didn’t kiss me back. It still haunted me, wondering if he’d known
that my careless kiss was to be our last. That it was our
goodbye.

And then I spiraled out of
control.

Cass was the only one who stood by my
side. She understood me. Most everyone else thought it was crazy
that I could fall for someone so quickly and be affected by his
loss so deeply. But I was. And then I went from missing him,
longing for him, into hating myself for whatever I did to make him
go away. I spent hours looking in the mirror, knowing I wasn’t
pretty enough or skinny enough to keep his interest. It was a year
that created wounds I still carry.

“Babe.”

I look up to see Holt watching
me.

“Would love to know where your head
was just now. You’re not going to tell me though. Can tell by the
look on your face.” I must be giving him a deer in headlights
stare. Shit. “So tell me about Doctor Caravan. I don’t mean what
you already told me. I get he’s a good man and he loved his job. I
know all that. Did he ever talk about places he wanted to see or
visit?”

I hesitate, still taken aback that
Holt could tell my mind was elsewhere and, at that moment, glad he
couldn’t read my thoughts.

“Um, the only thing I remember is him
talking about this bird-watching group in Florida. He brought in
this flyer one day. A group of people in Florida travel across the
country in search of rare bird species. He was really excited about
it and told me it would be something he’d do if he ever got the
chance. That maybe one day when he retired he’d do it.”

“Did he ever bring it up again after
that day?”

“No.”

“Well, that gives me something to
check out, babe. Did he ever say the name of the group?”

I let out a sigh, feeling useless.
“No.”

Holt reaches across the table and
grabs my hand. “It’s a good lead, and if he went to find them, they
can’t be that hard to find.” He snickers. “Can’t be that many
fucking bird watching groups. We will find him, babe.”

****

“Mine or yours?” Holt asks as we pull
away from Cosmo’s.

Shit. Here we go.

“I really don’t think we need to go to
the extreme of you being with me twenty-four seven. I’ll be fine.
The only time I’m really alone anyway is when I leave work to come
home. Cass and I keep the same schedule, for the most part, and, if
it makes you feel better, I can get Clay or Ang to keep me company
when Cass is working so I won’t be home alone.”

Holt shakes his head slowly and
tightens his lips. “The only way I know you’re safe is if you’re
with me. No disrespect to your friends, babe, but they don’t have
as much riding on you being safe as I do. You still haven’t fucking
realized it yet, Nicolette. You are my woman. I meant what I said.
I knew it from the moment I laid eyes on you. When you realize
that, you’ll understand why I trust no one when it comes to your
safety.”

I choke up, speechless. I can’t tell
him. He won’t help me then. And his what-I-say-goes words rock me
again.

Suck it up,
Nik.

He wants this, to know I’m safe. I
have to give it to him. I can do this. I just can’t let myself get
caught up in what my body wants. What it screams at me when he
touches me, kisses me.

“Okay, tonight we can stay at your
place, but I need to pick up some clothes and shower stuff from
home.”

I know what I’m doing, giving in to
him, is a mistake, but I have no choice. Holt’s expression is sheer
gratification as he heads in the direction of the condo. A warm,
tingly feeling radiates through my skin. Damn it.

Clay and Ang are both over and
chatting it up with Cass as I walk in the door.

“Hey, Niki-cakes! What’s up,
baby?”

As Holt walks in behind me, Clay’s
face pales.

The two of them exchange glances but
neither speak. Seriously, what’s up with them? Every time they’re
in a room together, it’s like this. Like a damn stare-off. I guess
this is Clay’s way of looking out for me. Love him.

“Hey, guys. I’m glad you’re all here,
because I need to talk to you about something.”

I tell them all about my mysterious
phone call from Vinnie. Their jaws drop, their faces growing pale.
I’ve scared the shit out of them.

“Holt’s going to help me find Doc C so
I can warn him about Vinnie and make sure he’s okay.”

I take a breath and get to the hard
part. The part I have a feeling at least one person in the room is
not going to like.

“Now, Holt thinks it’s best that I’m
never left alone, that I’m always with one of you, because we
aren’t sure if he’s going to target me, thinking I can lead him to
Doc C. But at night he wants me to stay with him.”

Clay makes a noise under his breath,
but he doesn’t speak.

“But, honey, I don’t understand. Why
do you think you’re in any danger?” Cass asks.

Holt steps in now, answering for me.
“Vinnie Calhoun is a hunter like me, and he’s a ruthless piece of
shit. Nothing stands in his way when he’s chasing a
mark.”

“Well, you’re the same way, aren’t
you? What makes it any safer for her to be with you?”

As soon as she sees the anger in
Holt’s face, her voice trembles, and it’s clear Cass regrets
speaking.

He takes in a breath, and although
he’s glaring at her, he speaks calmly. “Cassie, the difference is I
see people for what they are. I know when someone doesn’t give a
fuck about the consequences of their actions, or when someone’s
forced to make choices because of what’s going on in their life.
Those people, the ones who’ve been put in a corner, forced to do
something they wouldn’t otherwise do, they should be given a chance
to redeem themselves, to make things right again.” He turns to look
at me and grins. “As to why she’s safe with me, that’s easy. She’s
my woman.”

All three of them gasp and jerk their
heads in my direction. I have to get out of the room. His words
tear at my insides. I walk down the hall to my room.

I grab an overnight bag and
automatically snatch my tank and shorts but then think better of
it. I go to my bottom dresser drawer and pull out the long pajama
pants and shirt Aunt Helen gave me for my birthday one year that I
absolutely loathe. Vomit green with yellow duckies all over them,
they’re hideous. I silently thank Aunt Helen as it turns out
they’re just what I need right now: a sex repellent. I’m already
helpless against his words, his touch. No way I’m going to help
encourage it by wearing something sexy or showing too much
skin.

I toss my scrubs for work tomorrow and
all my shower stuff quickly into my bag. I take a deep breath
before walking out of my room, knowing Holt is there,
waiting.

You can do this, Niki. You
can do this.

As I make my way down the hall to the
living room, I’m shocked to see that not only is Holt calm, but
he’s talking to Cass and Ang, laughing even. I guess Cass is back
to being on Holt’s team. Ang has only ever thought of him as hot,
so she never had any ill feelings toward him.

Clay is still sitting on the couch,
pretending to be into the book in his hand. He’s clearly not
comfortable with any of this. The way he’s acting, standoffish like
this, totally not him. He’s worried, I know. I need to talk to him,
but I can’t. Not now.

I have to get Holt out of his sight
before Clay says something to piss him off.

“I’m ready.”

I walk up to Cass and lean in to give
her a hug. “I’ll call you tomorrow,” I whisper.

“Okay, hun. Be careful. I love
you.”

I know she’s not talking about Vinnie.
I turn to look over at Clay again; he’s still avoiding eye contact
with me. “Later, Clay.”

He mutters, “Yeah.”

I absolutely hate being in this
position. I have to do this to get Holt to help me find Doc C, but
having Clay upset and worried about me, it’s killing me.

My heart is still heavy as Holt steps
aside after opening his door to let me in. Kilo helps lighten it a
little with his happy frenzy of hellos as we walk in. He goes to
Holt first, and it’s obvious they have a connection. I melt just
watching them together. It isn’t long before it’s my turn to get
Kilo’s kisses as I drop to the floor next to him.

After playing with Kilo for a while, I
grab my cell to check the time. It’s close to ten, and I have to be
up early for work.

I don’t know how this is going to play
out, where I’m going to sleep, where Holt is going to sleep. I grab
my bag but, as I’m heading for the bathroom, Holt says, “What’s up,
baby?”

“Um, nothing,” I say, “just getting
ready for bed. I’ve got work tomorrow.”

“Hmm. Right. Okay, babe.”

I make it safely to the bathroom, and
as I’m changing into my hideous pajamas, I silently thank Aunt
Helen again. I wipe my makeup off and brush my hair out, pee then
make my way back out into the room. Where the bed is. With Holt in
it.

My stomach drops at the sight of him
lying sideways in bed, facing me, with his head propped up on one
arm.

When he sees me, he roars with
laughter. “Hmm, even in those ridiculous pajamas, you’re still sexy
as hell, babe.”

Shit. I try to keep my breath from
skipping so he doesn’t see how nervous, how uncomfortable I am
being alone in the room with him.

Thank God there’s no way he can see
the fireworks going off between my legs. I pray like fuck he isn’t
naked under that sheet.

I awkwardly walk to the bed and push
the bedspread down on my side. As I quickly get in, I try not to
look at Holt’s bare chest and those sexy-as-fuck black shorts that
rest just below his hips.

“See something you like,
babe?”

Shit. He caught me gawking
again.

Ignoring his question, I turn my back
to him, inching as far away as I can get and pulling the covers up
to my chin. Shockingly enough, Holt doesn’t say anything to me or
try to touch me.

I feel the absence of his body as soon
as he gets out of the bed. The warmth gone.

“Goodnight, Nicolette. Sweet dreams,
baby.”

Worn springs squeak as he settles
himself onto the small two-cushion couch, a few feet away from the
bed. It has to be uncomfortable as hell for him, considering his
size.

I don’t dare turn his way to look at
him, thinking he might mistake it as invitation to come back. I’m
relieved, confused, and disappointed all at once.

Most of the night, I toss and turn,
struggling to sleep. Partly because I’m not in the comfort of my
own bed, partly because Holt, by the sound of it, is still awake
himself. I reach up to the nightstand and turn the clicking alarm
clock to face me. It’s just after three AM. I debate asking Holt to
come back to bed because I feel bad that he’s uncomfortable, and I
want to feel the warmth of him holding me again. But I’m not
caving.

I hear myself say, “Holt?”

Groggily, he answers.
“Yeah”

“How’d you learn to play
guitar?”

My boldness shocks me. I’ve never had
the courage to ask him such a personal question before.

“My mom taught me.”

I lie there and visualize a younger
Holt, sitting strumming a guitar as a beautiful woman with
midnight-colored hair stands over him.

I smile in the dark at the vision and
can’t help but to want to know more. “Does she play?”

“Yeah.”

Holt, ever the
conversationalist.

I keep digging, brave in the dark. “Do
you get to see her often, since you’re always on the
road?”

Silence.

Maybe he finally dozed off?

“She died when I was
seventeen.”

Damn.

“I’m sorry, Holt.” I let out a sigh,
knowing what it’s like not to have a mother. “How did
she—?”

“It’s late, Nicolette. And, like you
said, you’ve got work tomorrow. So go to sleep.”

Shit. I went too far.

“Okay,” I whisper as I close my eyes
and try to get some sleep.

****

The weight of something at my feet
startles me as I wake. When I tilt my head down over the covers,
Kilo is peering back at me. I can’t help but smile and giggle
escapes my mouth. Sneaky dog. He must’ve waited until I finally
went to sleep before jumping up to cuddle with me. I lie there,
enjoying his warmth. Remembering waking up so many mornings like
this with my sweet Dutchess, my last rescue as a child.

After a few minutes, I sit up, trying
not to disturb Kilo. I should’ve known better though. He’s Holt’s
dog. Alert as hell. As soon as I shift, he picks up his head and
wags his tail.