She Sins at Midnight (3 page)

As Lila stormed in, clearly startling Josh, he held up one finger to indicate that he would be with her in a moment. He said into the phone, “Sure Harley, great. Listen, something important just came up. I’ll call you later.”

Lila raised her eyebrows at that. Something important, huh? Maybe she had inadvertently garnered some respect by finally losing her mind. Josh lay down the receiver and very conciliatorily greeted, “Lila, sit down. Can I get you a cup of coffee?”

Lila briefly glanced over her shoulder to see if Rod Serling had just walked in before answering, “Sure Josh, that would be great. I take it with one fake sugar and a splash of hazelnut creamer.” Josh actually removed himself from his desk and proceeded to prepare her a cuppa. At that moment, Lila was convinced that even if he did fire her, it would be worth it just to witness him catering to her for once in all these years.

After her first sip of caffeinated joy, Josh inquired, “How are you feeling today?”

She smiled, “Pretty good, Josh, you?”

Shifting uncomfortably in his chair, he responded, “Doing okay, thanks. Listen about yesterday, what happened there?”

Lila gave him a brilliant smile and confessed, “Bad period, hunger pains and high school class reunion.”

Josh squirmed as men do when anyone of the female persuasion openly discusses her menses. “Right, so you mentioned yesterday. What I mean to ask is why did you say that thing about Melinda right in front of her?”

Looking him squarely in the eye, Lila inquired, “Did I lie?”

Josh was alarmed as this conversation was obviously not going in the direction he thought it should, that would be with Lila begging his forgiveness for her unspeakable, albeit entirely accurate gaffe. “Lila, Melinda is furious. She even threatened to leave the agency if I didn’t fire you.”

Lila beamed and clung to the magic words, “fire you…” Trying to look cool, while inwardly delighted, she responded, “That sounds serious. What are you going to do?” She was sending him copious subliminal messages to cut her loose. She was so ripe to walk out the door with a tidy severance package that she could taste it.

“Hell, Lila, of course I’m not going to fire you (damn), but you have to apologize to Melinda and make it sound sincere.”

Lila was pretty sure that monkeys could tie her hair into knots and then set fire to it before she would ever apologize to Melinda, so she responded, “Apologize? As in, Melinda, I’m desperately sorry that you’re such a fantastic oral pleasure machine? Sure Josh, I can do that.”

Josh started to turn purple. Actually, Lila thought it more of an eggplant hue, which she decided was a good color for him. “Lila, what is going on with you? You aren’t at all acting like yourself.” Lila knew what he really meant was, “Lila, why aren’t you bending over backwards to do my bidding like you always do?”

After taking a slow sip of her coffee, Lila laid her cards on the table. “It’s like this Josh. I’ve decided that its time that I make some changes in my life.”

Her boss looked decidedly nervous and interrupted, “You’re not quitting are you?”

So Cyn was right, Lila thought. Josh didn’t want to lose her. “No, I’m not quitting, but I am going on vacation.” Then she took a fortifying breathe and added, “And I feel strongly that I need a raise (take that you short, bald molester of starlets.)” There was nothing like the feeling of standing up for yourself. Lila’s body positively hummed from the thrill of it.

Josh went silent for a moment, clearly at a crossroads with what to do. Lila could almost see the little hamster wheel turning in his brain. He finally answered, “You know what, kid? I think it’s a great idea. In fact, I think you should take a month off. You certainly have the time coming.” Lila stared at him like he had just grown a second head when he continued, “As far as a raise, you’re right, you deserve it.” Jotting himself a note as he added, “I’m going to just go ahead and make it retroactive, starting last quarter. How does that sound?”

To Lila, it sounded like Josh had clearly been alien abducted and had received a personality transplant. His generosity sounded too good to be true. But on further consideration, who was she to complain? Maybe she was finally getting her just desserts for standing up for herself. That was possible, right? Lila took another slow sip of coffee before answering, “Sounds fine, Josh. I leave a week from today. Anyone in particular you want me to train from the assistant’s pool to cover while I’m gone?”

Josh’s face broke out into a sly smile. He actually rubbed his hands together like a penny opera villain about to say, “I’m going to get you my pretty…” before answering, “Yeah, how ‘bout that new girl Charlotte? You could start training her today.”

Lila rolled her eyes, no longer worried that her boss was going to fire her for impertinence and mumbled, “Predictable.” Before he could respond, she picked up her coffee and sailed out of his office.

From what Lila had been able to gather, Charlotte was the kind of subordinate that Josh had always dreamed of but couldn’t have for two reasons. One: if he had a twenty-two year old assistant who needed a bikini wax to wear the infinitesimal skirts that she did, his wife would invariably get suspicious. And two: he really did need an assistant with a brain in her head. He was one of the partners after all.

Lila rang Joyce in the temp pool and told her that she was going to need Charlotte to report to her desk as soon as possible. Joyce commented, “Boy that girl sure is popular. I just sent her up to Rich Pelker’s office. His assistant just got wooed away by The Game Show Network.”

“Sorry Joyce, ole Richie’s going to have to find himself another honey. Josh has personally requested Charlotte’s services for the next month.”

“No worries, Josh’s request certainly outweighs Rich’s, but what’s up? Are you having surgery or something?”

Lila laughed, “Yep, I figure a 36C is no longer enough to get me ahead in the company so I’m checking into Dr. 90210 for an augmentation.”

Joyce enjoyed Lila’s humor. After all, she was fifty and frumpy and had been with The Triple A for almost two decades. She didn’t miss any of the machinations that went on in the agency. “Good for you. A nice G-cup is definitely the path to success. Listen, I’ve got to come up with a replacement for Rich. Hey, you know what? I think I’m going to send him a nice gay boy and see if he can’t keep it in his pants for awhile. I don’t think his job is going to last another sexual harassment suit.”

Joyce was like the house mother in a fraternity. Even though the agency had several female agents, the majority of them were still men and Joyce liked to keep them on their toes when it came to assigning them assistants. The kids fresh out of college, with an eye on the agent training program, shifted to new departments every three months so they could learn about all the areas of entertainment the agency covered. Assistants were moved around on a daily basis and Joyce was like God on the second floor, deciding who she was going to be nice to and who she was going to mess with.

The year before, she didn’t receive her holiday bonus due to a “clerical oversight,” so she assigned the president of the agency an alarmingly tall and beautiful new right-hand named Chris. Everyone later found out that Chris was short for Christopher and while he looked like a gorgeous and exotic female from the waist up, from the waist down he was very much a Christopher. The president of the agency found that out after two weeks, the
hard
way. Christopher was somehow reassigned to the mailroom and Joyce received the biggest (belated) holiday bonus in the history of the agency.

Charlotte, of the microscopic skirt, arrived at Lila’s desk not five minutes after being summoned. She had a very excited bounce to her step and immediately stuck out her hand and introduced, “Hi there. I’m Charlotte. I met you once in the dining room? Oh my gosh, I’m so excited to be assisting a partner! You know I’ve only been here three weeks.”

Lila nodded her head as she did indeed know that Charlotte had only been there three weeks. She also knew that it had taken her a month to learn how to be Josh’s assistant and she had already had three years of training. Lila was looking more and more forward to this vacation. The way she figured it, she could demand another raise when she got back in order to sort out the huge mess that was about to be made on her bosses behalf. She didn’t feel the least bit sorry for Josh either. It was almost biblical. He asked and he was about to receive. For once in her life, Lila finally felt like she had the upper hand and it was a delicious sensation.

So Lila smiled at her replacement and greeted, “Hi Charlotte. Grab that chair and come sit next to me. I’ll start showing you the ropes.”

J
illy Sparks sat at her dining room table looking like she had barely survived a war against domesticity. She was still in her pajamas at 11:30 a.m., which were covered with baby vomit and dried orange juice. Her hair hadn’t been brushed in at least twenty-four hours and the dark circles under her eyes were threatening to take over her entire face. Overall, she knew she looked like an escapee from Bedlam.

What she couldn’t figure out was how this had become her life. While growing up, she and Lila had always dreamt that they would marry royalty and have servants at their beck and call. By the time they reached high school, Jilly amended her dream to becoming the head of a Fortune 500 company. She had every intention of being the most feared and respected female executive who ever lived. Sadly, the only people that feared her now did so because she looked mentally unhinged. This was due to the fact that she was raising three children under the age of six.

Jilly had finally gotten Titty back to sleep. The baby had been up all night with an upset stomach. Bill had taken Trevor to pre-school on his way to the train station and Jack, thank God, was spending the day with her mother. Even though she secretly thought that her mom used her time with her youngest grandson to teach him new ways to terrorize her, Jilly was delighted to be free of him for a whole day.

On the outside, Jack appeared to be the perfect child. He was adorable, funny, exuberant and all those lovely adjectives. The problem was that at three, he was already smarter than she was. One afternoon she left him quietly playing in his bedroom while she lay down for fifteen minutes. She knew this was the designated amount of time for a rest as Jack had never been conscious and quiet for more than fifteen minutes at a go, until that morning.

Her first uninterrupted lie-down in three years turned out to be two hours of passed out bliss. She only woke when she heard Titty cooing away in her bassinet. Her nap was so deep that she didn’t immediately process that the chatty baby belonged to her. Still a little disoriented, Jilly opened her eyes and after a moment she recognized the bed. Then she remembered Bill and smiled thinking that she and Bill had a baby. But didn’t they have other children? Five-year-old Trevor, sweet and loving, popped into her mind. Then she remembered Jack. Racking her brain she wondered where Jack was. Did her mother have him? No, she knew that wasn’t the case. Why did she actually get to sleep then? Jilly bolted upright so fast she got a wicked head rush and screamed, “JACKSON MATTHEW SPARKS!!! Where are you?”

The little bugger innocently walked into her room with a big grin on his elfin face, “Right here, Mommy.” he said. Jack crawled into bed with her and gave her a big hug, “Sleep good, Mommy?”

Jilly hugged the biggest challenge in her life and answered, “Yes honey, I did. But what I’m wondering is why did I sleep so well? What have you been up to?”

Batting his big blue eyes, her middle child answered, “Nothin, Mommy. Just a little fixin.”

Jilly lay very still, feeling the onslaught of impending doom rush over her and asked, “What were you fixing, honey?”

Snuggling in, he answered, “Just stuff.”

When Jilly finally screwed up the courage to get out of bed, she discovered that Jack, with the super human hand/eye coordination of a ten-year old, let alone a three-year-old, had dismantled every lock mechanism in the house, including the front and back doors. They were all heaped in a pile adjacent to his next project, the television.

With three kids, a staggering mortgage

and a septic system from hell, Jilly and Bill hadn’t bought a new television in over ten years. The sad truth was that the one they had purchased then was used and already twelve years old. Jilly eyed the remnants of her ancient set in stunned silence. Apparently Jack had decided to remove the back panel of the old behemoth and take out as many components as he could, which upon closer inspection, appeared to be all of them.

In near tears, Jilly went to the telephone to call Bill and commiserate about their little Einstein. That was when she encountered his next project. Her youngest son had taken all her nail polish colors and used them to paint a psychedelic rainbow on the phone. Not only that, but he changed their outgoing answering machine message to include every bad word that he wasn’t allowed to use. She discovered this when the phone rang seconds later. Jilly was too stunned by her boy genius’s accomplishments to answer right away, so when the machine clicked on, she heard his sweet little boy voice say, “Fuck, damn it, shit, piss…” He repeated the litany about five times before the beep finally came.

As Jilly sat at the kitchen table recounting all of Jack’s escapades, a reluctant smile crept over her face. She did love the little stinker to distraction. She was just afraid that he would be the death of her. After all, what if he discovered the gas stove the same day he learned how to light matches? Jilly decided to stop torturing herself with what-ifs. She and Bill had already decided they would probably be packing Jack off to Harvard by the time he was ten. Now all they had to do was survive the next seven years.

Jilly found the notion of her ten year old in college a little disconcerting. Then her eyes landed on the invitation to her reunion. Nothing could be more unnerving than going back to that. How was she ever going to hold her head up and explain that she didn’t make good on her dream of becoming a powerful executive. She imagined telling Paige Loehman that she was the president of dirty diapers and had recently been appointed chairman of the board of teeth brushing. She compounded her agony by continuing, vice president of potty training and head of the neck washing committee!