She, Myself & I (20 page)

“Thanks for coming to the gym with me. It’s my first time, and I’m nervous about leaving Ben here,” I said as I ushered Mickey—who was home on spring break—past the front desk of my new gym and down the industrial-carpeted hall to the nursery.

The muscle-bound sales representative had assured me during his go-go sales pitch that the gym’s baby-care facility was very clean and very safe. And when I checked it out during the tour he gave me, I’d had to admit it looked like a nice place. There was an indoor jungle gym, a television playing Disney videos, and padded baby corrals filled with every plastic toy ever made by Fisher-Price. It seemed so easy—I just had to hand Ben over to the smiling, clean-cut attendant and then have a carefree hour to myself to work out and get back into shape.

But now that I was actually here, clutching Ben to my chest, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

“I don’t think this is a good idea,” I whispered to Mickey.

“It’ll be fine,” she said, pushing me forward toward the sign-in area, where a pretty, petite Asian girl was sitting. She looked like she was about fourteen years old.

“Why don’t you just go ahead and exercise, and I’ll stay here and play with Ben,” I hedged.

“It’ll be fine, Soph,” Mickey repeated. She turned to the nursery attendant. “We’d like to leave my sister’s baby here while we work out.”

“Have you been here before? No? Okay, I’ll need you to fill out this paperwork. And the same person will have to sign him in and out, and show a picture ID each time,” the girl said. There was a plastic name tag pinned to her red polo shirt.
Kim.

“I’ve been worried that some crazy, desperate person will notice how cute Ben is and try to grab him while you’re not looking. It’s been freaking me out,” I admitted.

“No, we’re very careful with security here. An alarm goes off whenever the nursery door opens, and no one is allowed to leave with a child they didn’t sign in. And we always keep our eyes on all of the children,” Kim assured me.

Mickey looked at me like I was nuts. “Who’s going to kidnap Ben? He poops five times a day,” she said. “And he has bad breath. It smells like sour milk.”

“Ha-ha, very funny. You’re off the godmother short list,” I said.

“I didn’t know I was on it,” she said. “Come on, let’s go.”

I stood there, stubbornly clinging to Ben. I knew that I was overreacting, and probably looked ridiculous to both Kim and Mickey, but I couldn’t seem to loosen my grip on the baby.

“He’ll be fine, I promise,” Kim coaxed me, flashing a toothy smile. She looked like she could be a spokesgirl for Noxema.

“Do you mind if I ask how old are you?” I asked.

“I’m twenty-seven. I just look young. People are always telling me that,” Kim said.

I finally allowed Ben to be gently pried from my arms and handed over to Kim. As Mickey dragged me out of the nursery, I looked back and saw Ben grinning up at his new best friend and trying to grab onto the end of her long, sleek ponytail. I was completely unprepared for the shock of jealousy I felt. My son. In another woman’s arms. Smiling at her.

Maybe I should start being nicer to Aidan, I thought. I might be able to live without him, but I didn’t think I could handle his introducing a stepmother into Ben’s life.

Mickey and I retraced our steps back to the main lobby and then veered off to the left, through the open door to the women’s locker room.

Just inside, a naked woman stood at the mirrored vanity counter, blow-drying her hair. It always unnerves me how comfortable some people are with their own nudity. Even if I had a body like a supermodel, I don’t think I would ever be comfortable standing stark naked in a room full of judgmental women.

“Did you see her pubic hair?” Mickey murmured in my ear.

“No, I didn’t look down! Why?”

“She didn’t have any! I think she waxed it all off.”

We dissolved into immature giggles. I was glad to see Mickey smiling. She’d been uncharacteristically quiet ever since she’d gotten home. She was sleeping on Paige’s couch—like the rest of us, she didn’t want to deal with Mom and Dad’s rekindled romance—and Paige said that all Mickey had been doing since her arrival was lying around, watching an
I Love the 80s
marathon on VH-1.

“Why didn’t Nick come home with you? I thought you two were going to spend a few days here and then go camping,” I said as we stuffed our bags into a locker.

“We broke up.”

“What? When? Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I don’t know, I guess I just didn’t feel like getting into it,” Mickey said.

“What happened?”

Mickey shrugged. “Nothing dramatic. We’ve been growing apart for a while, and we’re graduating in a few months. It was just time to move on.”

“No, you’re going to have to give me more details than that. Are you seeing someone else? Is he? Who broke up with who?”

We walked into the large room that housed the aerobic and weight machines, and each climbed on a treadmill. After first making sure that I had a good view of the front door, so I could see if anyone was trying to smuggle Ben out of the gym, I set the speed to a brisk walk. Mickey put hers on a slow jog.

“It was mutual. I think I brought it up, but he agreed with me. It wasn’t one of those awful breakups that go on for hours. Instead it was really very civilized. And no, I’m not seeing anyone else. He wasn’t while we were together, but I heard that he’s started dating someone.”

“Already?”

“It’s not a big deal. Actually, if he’s happy, I’m happy for him.”

“How can you be so magnanimous? You guys were together for years, since like the first week you got to college,” I said.

“Halloween our freshman year. We met at a costume party.”

“It’s freaking me out that you’re so calm about this. It’s like you’re channeling Paige. And that’s not a good thing,” I said.

“I was sad for a few days, but then I just mainly felt relieved. I love Nick, but I’m not in love with him anymore. And everyone seemed to think that we were going to get married, which is just insane. I’m way too young for that,” Mickey said.

This stung. Aidan and I got engaged the weekend we graduated from college, and were married a year later. We were the first of our friends to take the plunge, and the buildup to the wedding had been so exciting. I’d had four bridal showers, an engagement party, and four hundred people attended the wedding and reception at the country club. At the time, I’d felt like the fairy princess—even wearing the stupid, big puffy white dress—and now, looking back, it all seemed so ridiculous. I’d been playacting the part of Princess Di in the fairy-tale wedding, and look how it turned out for her. Besides, I was one of those people who thought that Mickey and Nick were on the cusp of announcing their engagement.

Although maybe she was right—maybe twenty-two was far too young of an age at which to select your life partner. I’d been so sure that Aidan and I were soul mates back then, and look at us now, barely able to hold a civil discussion over dinner.

“What do you think is going to happen with Mom and Dad?” Mickey asked. She turned the dial up on her treadmill and started to seriously run—arms pumping, legs churning. It didn’t seem to affect her ability to carry on a normal conversation.

“I don’t know. I don’t know why they think they can make a relationship work now, when they were so miserable at it when they were married. And it’s hard to believe that after all of the years of hostility, they can just forget it all and move on as though it never happened,” I said, the words coming out in short puffs of air as I walked.

“Paige said that she went over to Mom’s last weekend, early in the morning, and Dad was there. She thought he had slept over,” Mickey said.

“I so did not need to know that. Ew.”

“Tell me about it.”

“They’re spending too much time together. They’ll get sick of one another, or one of them will say something to piss off the other one, or they’ll start trotting out their old fights. Really, I can’t believe—” I began, but then I broke off.

Dr. Prasad—my Dr. Prasad—was on the other side of the gym, doing bicep curls with a set of hand weights. My stomach clenched and my heart started to race, the same combination of queasy excitement that would hit me when I was in high school and would see the lacrosse player I had a crush on in the cafeteria.

Should I go talk to him? Looking like this, with my hair up in a knotted ponytail and absolutely no makeup on, and wearing an old T-shirt of Aidan’s over a pair of ratty nylon shorts? But if I didn’t talk to him now, then when would I have the opportunity again? And would he even remember me? If I walked all the way over there and initiated a conversation with him, and then had to remind him who I was, I would die of mortification.

“What?”

“Huh?”

“You were in the middle of saying something, and you just stopped talking,” Mickey said.

“I can’t remember.”

“You said that you can’t believe something about Mom and Dad,” Mickey reminded me, sounding exasperated.

“Oh. I don’t know what I was going to say. Do you see that guy over there? The Indian man in the black running shorts and gray T-shirt?”

“Where? Over there by the machines? Wow, he’s hot! Do you know him?” Mickey asked, perking up.

“He’s Ben’s pediatrician. I just met him for the first time the other day. Do you think he’s cute?”

“I wouldn’t say cute, no. Puppies are cute, Ben is cute. That man is hot, sexy, and drop-dead gorgeous. Is he single?”

“I think so.”

“Want to introduce me?”

I looked at my little sister, who had at some point over the past few years blossomed into a long-legged, lithe beauty. Next to her, I looked like even more of a cow than usual. In fact, I
was
a cow, I was Ben’s cow. Moo.

“No,” I said firmly.

“Oh no. Don’t tell me you have the hots for him,” Mickey said much louder than necessary.

“Shhh!”

“You do! You do! How can you have a crush on your son’s doctor? I don’t think that’s even ethical,” Mickey screeched.

“Mick, so help me God, if you don’t lower your voice, I’m going to flatten you. There is nothing unethical going on. I’m not sleeping with him, he’s just Ben’s doctor, and yes, I suppose he’s attractive. I can’t exactly discriminate against him because he’s good looking. Should I only take Ben to ugly doctors?”

“Yes. You should,” Mickey said severely.

“That’s completely unreasonable. If everyone acted like that, attractive people wouldn’t be able to run businesses, or medical practices, or . . . or . . .” I tried to think of someone else who would be discriminated against using Mickey’s model.

“Not everyone. You. Because you’re happily married, and yet you keep getting crushes on every cute guy you meet.”

“Name one!”

“Zack. That cute doctor. The guy who prepared your taxes,” she began listing.

“I did not have a crush on our accountant. He’s a complete dork.”

“Aha, but you do have crushes on Zack and the doctor! Gotcha!”

I turned off the treadmill and tripped as it came to an abrupt stop. I climbed off of it and snapped my towel back over my shoulder.

“Where are you going?”

“Away from you,” I said huffily.

“Don’t be that way,” Mickey called after me.

I walked over to the drinking fountain and took a long sip of cold water while I planned my next move. I could either head back to the locker room, raid my makeup bag, and repair my face as best I could with the lip balm and concealer I kept stashed there. Or I could forget the makeup, figuring that exercise was supposed to make me look healthy and flushed. No, that was crazy, I’d better freshen up. When you’re twenty years old, a scrubbed face and ponytail says
Sassy Nature Girl
. When you’re thirty, it just says
I’m depressed and have given up on life
.

I stood up and turned around, using my forearm to wipe the excess water off my upper lip, and bumped right into Dr. Prasad. I froze, arm still lifted to my lips, mortified to realize that not only had I been caught in an indelicate position, but—even worse—I’d forgotten to put on deodorant before leaving the house. I now stank.

Dr. Prasad smiled at me politely as though he recognized me, but couldn’t place me.

Unlike me, he looked great in his workout clothes. The charcoal gray V-neck T-shirt showed off his muscular shoulders and the elegant line of his neck.

“Hi,” I said, lowering my arm slowly so as not to bring quick attention to either my face-wiping or my body odor.

“Sorry, have we met?” he asked.

“Um, yes. My son—I have a baby—he’s a patient of yours. Well, not exactly yours, he’s actually a patient of Dr. Madden’s, but you saw him last week for his well-child visit. But I was thinking of changing from Dr. Madden to you, because I really liked you,” I said, while thinking,
Good God, Sophie, you’re babbling. Shut the fuck up.

“Of course. I remember. How is your son?”

“He’s fine. He’s here, in the nursery. It’s the first time I’ve left him. Well, not left him alone. I mean there’s someone in the nursery watching him, of course. Do you think that’s okay? I’m worried that he’s going to pick something up in there,” I said.

There seemed to be no stopping my mouth from blurting out every thought as soon as it popped into my head. Give it long enough, and I’d be telling him that I fell asleep every night fantasizing about making out with him.

“I’m sure he’ll be fine. Children do pass things on to other children, but unless you keep your son in a bubble, he’ll be exposed to germs,” Dr. Prasad said, in his incredibly sexy English accent.

“Yeah, I guess,” I said. “So, do you come here a lot?”

“I try to work out a few times a week. Sometimes when work gets hectic, I can’t. And you?”

“I just joined, this is my first time,” I said. I was smiling so wide and hard, my cheeks felt stretched out. I wondered if it made me look crazy.

“Well, it was nice seeing you again,” Dr. Prasad said.

I could see that he was about to edge away, so I tried desperately to think of something to keep the conversation going.

“Juice?” I asked.