Shattered Perfection (24 page)

“Mimi, please.  I’m begging you.  Please, just give me a chance—“ 

I wheel around and fix him with my most hostile glare.  “A chance?  A chance to what, Vance?  To explain to me why you hurt me?  Why you turned into someone I couldn’t even recognize?  Oh, wait, maybe how
sorry
you are?  No, Vance.  Any time for talking has come and gone.  The moment you put your hands on me in violence is the time you lost any right to ask me for anything.  I would have given you anything, done anything to make you happy.  I tried.  I hung in there for months trying find a way to make things better, waiting for you to come back to me.”  I point my index finger at his chest and hiss, “You made damned sure I knew that was never going to happen.  So, go.  Go and don’t come back and bother me again, or I will call the police and have you arrested.”  

I turn on my heel and march down the street, leaving him standing in the middle of the sidewalk.  I go back to the office, but I can’t concentrate.  The image of his hollow face, his gaunt frame, haunt me.  Does he look so bad because I left him?  Is it because he is so affected by our break up that he is just not taking care of himself?  I snort.  It’s probably just that damned job of his working him into the ground.  He probably doesn’t have time to even miss me.  The little voice in my head whispers softly,
Then what did he want to talk to you about?

I can’t help but feel confused.  Part of me, the part that will always belong to him, feels like I should have stayed and heard him out.  The look in his eyes was so desperate.  Whatever it was, it was vitally important to him.  The other part of me feels I did the right thing.  I have to protect myself from him, not so much physically anymore by the look of him, but always mentally and emotionally.  His attack may have been effective in breaking that emotional connection I had keeping me tied to him through all the verbal abuse but I know I still have a lot healing to do.  He still has a lot of power to hurt me that way.  If I gave him the opportunity, the access to me, he could easily say something that would shatter the fragile composure I’ve built over the last three months.  I ultimately decide I did the right thing, but for the rest of the day, and for several days following, my heart feels heavy.

The following Saturday afternoon, I get a call from Justin.  I haven’t heard from him in several weeks, which is unusual.  Normally, he calls every week.  We have been getting together for lunch regularly, once we even went to see a movie, in an effort to establish a normal friendship.

“Hey stranger,” I answer his call.  “Where have you been?”

“Hey, Mimi,” He says, his voice sounding a little rougher than usual.  “Sorry I haven’t been around.  I’ve just been handling a few personal things.”

“It’s okay, Justin.  I’ve been keeping busy.  You know, watching paint dry, going to the park and seeing the grass grow.  It’s fascinating stuff.”  I try for a bit silliness, since he sounds a little off.  Justin is a serious kind of guy, but there’s something in his voice that makes him sound almost somber.  It doesn’t help.

“Uh, yeah,” he says, ignoring my stupid joke completely.  “I was wondering if you wanted to get together for dinner tonight.  We haven’t seen each other in a while, and I could really use some company.”

I’m instantly concerned.  I’ve always had the sense that these get-togethers of ours have been about keeping me propped up, making sure I don’t fall apart without Vance around.  I know we are friends and all, but there’s been a lot more taking on my part than giving.  Justin is also the strong, silent type.  If he’s reaching out for company, something must be really wrong.

“Sure, Justin.  I don’t have anything going on.  Whenever, wherever you want to go is fine with me.”

“I’ll pick you up at your place at six.  I want to get out kind of early.  I’m going a little stir crazy sitting here at home,” he says with an embarrassed chuckle.

“If you just want to get out of the house, I’m not doing anything right now.  Let me come pick you up.  We can go over to the Pier and watch all the people, or take a drive up the coast.  We can stop for dinner somewhere whenever we get hungry.”

He’s quiet for a moment, as if he needs to think about it.  I hear him blow out a breath, before he says, “Yeah, that’d be great.  Thanks, Mimi.  I owe you one.”

“Nonsense.  You’ve been here for me a million times already.  I’ll be there in a half an hour.”

True to my word, thirty minutes later I pull up in front of Justin’s house.  Before I can even get out of my car, he comes trotting down the walkway and jumps into the passenger seat.  He leans over and gives me a kiss on the cheek, before settling back and resting his head against the seat back.  He seems tense and I can’t help but frown as I look at him.  Something is very wrong, but I know Justin.  I’ll just have to wait for him to tell me what’s going on.  I won’t be able to pull it out of him.  Instead, I just try to be as upbeat as I can and make things seem a little bit better.

“Okay, boss man.  You’re in charge.  Do you want to go to the Pier, or take a drive?”  I ask.

“You make the decision, Mimi.  I just want to shut my brain off for a little while.  I’ve had a lot on my mind for the last few weeks, and I really need to get out of my head for a little while.”

“Alright.  Then we drive up the coast.  A little sunshine, a little sea air, some good views of the waves rolling against the shoreline and you’ll be good as new.  I promise,” I turn and grin at him.  “Oh and we need some tunes.  Can’t have a really great drive without a soundtrack.”  I pull my iPod out of the glove box and toss it to him.  “There’s tons of music on there.  Pick some out and just park it in the docking station.  We’ll be good to go from there.”

Justin scrolls through the songs for a while before finally settling the device in the docking station.  “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana comes blaring out of the speakers, so I assume he’s chosen my nineties playlist as the theme for our little excursion.

We drive in silence, until we get onto Pacific Coast Highway with the waves rolling gently on our left.  It’s a mild spring day in sunny Southern California, not too hot, not too cool.  We both have our windows down and I’ve opened the moon roof, letting in as much fresh air as possible.

Finally, Justin speaks.  He talks about his work, how he’s been busy working numerous projects, but everything is going well and he is happy to have the business.  I ask about his family, knowing his mother and father are older, and wondering if maybe some health concerns on either of their parts could be the cause of his current stress.

“They’re doing great, actually.  They’re planning on going on a cruise to Alaska this summer.  It’s all my mom can talk about these days,” he says with a grin.  “My dad is grumbling because she’s shopping for a whole new wardrobe and they’re only going to be gone for ten days.”

I laugh and say, “Of course!  Doesn’t your dad know that a cruise is one of the few acceptable reasons to buy an entire new wardrobe?  While most women love to shop, we only get a few outfits here and there.  If ever there is a reason to go out and replace everything you have, a cruise is definitely it.”

“I’ll make sure to tell Dad you said so,” he says grinning even harder.

“Okay, so work is good, family is good.  What’s got you so stressed?  Lady troubles?”

A shadow passes over his face, but only for a moment.  He shakes his head with a short bark of laughter.  “Haven’t you heard by now, Mimi?  I never have ‘lady troubles’,” he says, making air quotes around the last two words. 

“Yes, I know you’re supposed to be some great Casanova or something, but in the time I’ve known you, I’ve never once even heard you talk about a woman.  When I was part of the group, I never saw you bring anyone around, not even casually.  Except for those few brief dates with Jessica, I’m beginning to suspect that this whole ladies’ man reputation is more myth than anything.”

“Myth, huh?” he laughs.  “Trust me, I have my fair share of dates.  I can even show you my address book to prove how many women’s phone numbers are in there so you’ll know I can call on any number of women at any time.”

“Brag much?”  I interject.

“It’s not bragging, it’s just the truth.  I have a lot of superficial relationships.  I choose not to have anything serious, for my own personal reasons.  I don’t bring anyone around my friends or family because I don’t want anyone to read too much into anything.  As soon as you start introducing someone to the other people in your life, they start having other expectations of you and ideas about where the relationship can or should go, and I don’t want that.  I barely let anyone come over to my house, otherwise they start redecorating it.  I don’t need them to start wanting to redecorate my future too.”

“You think you’re such a catch that every woman is going to start planning your wedding and how many babies you’re going to have if you make a little space in your life for her?”  I ask dubiously.

“What?” he asks, slightly taken aback.

“I’m serious.  I hear this from men who don’t want to commit a lot.  They keep all women at arm’s length because they automatically assume that any woman they show any part of their life to is going to immediately fall in love.  I suppose it could happen with some really needy types, but most of the time, it’s a non-event.  Meeting the parents, yeah that’s a big thing that should be reserved for serious relationships, I think.  But letting a girl come over to your house, or hang out with your friends?  I hate to break it to you, but she’s probably not going to think too much of it.  Not a normal girl anyway, unless you do what you do.”

“What do you mean?” he asks, puzzled.

“When you make it this big mysterious thing, this off-limits part of your life, sure a girl is going to take it as a sign something serious is happening when you introduce her to your friends.  That’s the message you’ve sent.  If you treat it casually, so will she.”

“Is that how it was with you and Vance?” he asks quietly.

Pain lances through me at the mention of his name, and the reminder of how things used to be.  I’m quiet for a moment before responding.

“Nothing was ever casual between Vance and me.  We were serious from the very beginning, even if we didn’t know it right away.”  I smile softly as I recall something Vance said.  “He didn’t want to introduce me to you guys right away, though.  He said he didn’t want you guys to ruin my good opinion of him.” 

Justin laughs harshly.  “That little fucker.  I’d kick him in the nuts if it weren’t for…,” he stops abruptly.

I’m not sure why, but something inside me tightens nervously.  “If it weren’t for what?”

He sighs, running his hands over his face.  “Nothing.”

“No, it’s okay, Justin.  You can say it.”  I don’t know why I’m pushing the issue, but I feel like I need to know what he was going to say.

“I was just going to say if it weren’t for the fact it doesn’t matter anymore.  I’m sorry, Mimi.  It was a dick thing to say, which is why I stopped myself.”

For some reason I was expecting something else.  I don’t know what, but what he told me makes sense.  I don’t know why I thought it would be something totally different, but I did.

I wave my hand in the air between us.  “It’s fine.  It’s only the truth.”

We’re both quiet for a moment, before Justin finally says, “I know he came to see you.”

A lump forms in my throat.  I swallow it away and square my shoulders.  “Then you know I sent him away.”

“You need to hear what he has to say, Mimi,” he says firmly.

I look at him in disbelief.  “I can’t believe you just said that.  Knowing everything that you know, do you honestly believe he deserves a moment of my time?”

Justin’s tone gentles.  “No, I know he doesn’t.  What I believe is that you deserve what he is trying to offer you.” 

“It’s too late for apologies, Justin, if that’s what he’s looking to give me.  I don’t want them, I don’t need them.  I just need to forget him as best I can.”

“Mimi, please.  Didn’t you see what he looks like?  Can’t you at least take pity on him and give him ten minutes?”

“Jesus Christ, Justin.  Of course I saw him.  He looks awful.  It’s clear that he’s still suffering away at that horrible job, and will probably continue to do so until they put him in the ground.  Why is that my problem?  I did all I could to try to convince him that it was a terrible environment for him.  He chose them over me.”

“No, Mimi…”

“Why can’t you just let this go?  Did he put you up to this or something?  Oh. My. God.  He did, didn’t he?  Didn’t he!”

“Not exactly.  He did ask if I would try to help him, but I already decided that I would try to talk to you when I found out what he needed to tell you,” he admits.

“You would do that, knowing exactly how I feel about keeping our friendship separate from anything to do with Vance?  You would violate something that important to me?”  I ask, feeling very betrayed.

“Yes, Mimi.  I feel that strongly about this.”

“Then I guess it’s good that I know where your loyalties ultimately lie.  You can’t be Switzerland between us.  If he asks you to side with him, then that’s what you’ll do, because your ties to him are stronger.  I get it, you’ve been friends your whole life.  I’m just the chick who turned up less than two years ago,” I say, tears filling my eyes, as I pull off onto the shoulder.  Making sure there is no traffic coming in the opposite direction, I make a very illegal U-turn and begin driving back the way we came.  I always knew that Justin was more Vance’s friend than mine, but I still can’t help but feel betrayed.