Shattered Heart (The Hart Series) (35 page)

“You really
should keep both of your hands on the wheel.”  I try to avoid sounding
irritable and more concerned, but I’m sure he can tell the difference.

“Fine.”  He
moves his hand back.  I can see Alex from the corner of my eye running his
upper lip across his teeth as he studies the road in front of us.  “Tell me
something I don’t know…a secret.”

Uh oh. 
“If I told you,
then it wouldn’t be a secret.”  I may be acting coy, but my insides are
bursting with nerves. 

“I’m winning so
far, Hart.  Are you really going to give up so easily?”  He lifts his brows,
suggestively.  “Because, you know if I win I get to pick my prize.” 

I’m sure there
are plenty secrets I can tell him, like how Arianna is blackmailing me, or how
I think she may be the cause of my parents death.  But the only one at the
forefront of my mind…  “I don’t think I can, Alex.”  I turn to face the window,
focusing on the trees whizzing by instead of the nerves building inside.  This
is probably the worst way to tell him that his life will forever be changed. 

“Try me,” he
insists.  I ignore him and we sit in silence for the rest of the ride. 
Luckily, after another ten minutes we pull into the parking lot unscathed.  The
silence is maddening, so the moment the truck comes to halt I hop out and
attempt to rush to the entrance.  My escape would have been successful if it
wasn’t for the achingly cold impact of a snowball slamming against my back.  I
turn to face Alex; a cocky smile spreads across his lips as he jostles another
ball in his hand.

“You think
you’re getting out of this that easy?  Tell me your secret, Hart,” he pushes.

“You can’t
handle it,” I mumble.  I turn to walk away, but yet again, I’m pelted with
another pack of ice.  This time, it lands on my shoulder.  Bits and pieces of
frost make their way down my dress causing me to shiver.

Facing him, I
scream, “Damn it, Alex!  Stop acting like a child!”  Why can’t he just leave it
alone? 

“Then just tell
me.  I won’t judge you and you have to know I’m not averse to pulling you into
one of these snow piles and waiting until you beg me to let you up.”  I shiver
at the thought.  “I guarantee knowing you have a secret you don’t want me to
know is worse than your secret could ever be.”

My heart speeds
up, stealing my breath away.  I know I can’t hold it any longer.  It feels like
my whole body is breaking.  Piece by piece, splinter by splinter.  “Fine!  You
really want to know?  You want me to tell you something that will inevitably
change your life in an immeasurable way?  Here?  In a parking lot of a hotel?”

We stare for too
long of moments, feeling each other out.  I wish I knew what he was thinking. 
I’ve felt this heavy guilt since the moment I found out about the baby, guilt
that I haven’t clued Alex in.  It’s even worse knowing we’ve had conversations
about this in the past and I promised him I would always tell him; that I’d
given him a choice in the matter.   I can’t hold it in any longer. 

Alex watches me,
waiting, not moving a muscle except for the twitch in his neck.  “Go on,
Elyssa.  I’m waiting and I don’t care what it is, where we are, or who this is
about.  I need you to tell me what’s going on.  I promise you, I’ll be here. 
No matter what.”

Anxiety courses
through my veins, panic sets in and I unconsciously set my freezing hands down
to my belly, protecting against the promises that may break in the next ten
seconds. 

“I’m pregnant,”
I whisper.  Not entirely sure if he heard me, I lift my face to his and find
his blazing stoic eyes searching mine.  Nothing.  He doesn’t move, doesn’t say
anything, doesn’t do anything.  Maybe he really didn’t hear me.  I can’t
chicken out now.  “Did you hear me, Alex? 

“No.” 
No? 
Are you kidding me?

I see red.  He
doesn’t get to just say no.  I didn’t ask him an asinine question and he
doesn’t get to respond with a “no.” 

I raise my voice
unnecessarily, “Just to be clear, I just told you that I’m pregnant, and you
told me no.  Who does that, Alex?  I just gave into you, told you want I knew
you didn’t want to hear, and you said
no
.”  He remains lifeless.  “Fuck
you, Alex.”  I turn to walk away, but when I hear him mutter “Fuck” underneath
his breath, I turn around holding my belly for comfort.

His eyes are
frozen to where my hands are protecting myself.  Voice eerily calm, the wall
collapses and he speaks.  “You’re pregnant?”  I nod, even though he probably
can’t see past my hands holding our unborn child.  I’m afraid to say anything
more, afraid that my damn emotions will spill over and I’ll lash out at him.  

“What…when?”  I
can see his hands trembling as they rest at his sides.

I take my hands
away from little LJ and wrap them around my chest.  “New York.” 

“How?  I
thought…I thought you said…you said you were on birth control,” he stammers.

I shrug, noncommittally. 
“After you left, I missed a doctor’s appointment for my next shot.”  There
really isn’t more of an explanation needed.

A car door
slamming breaks his concentration and awareness seeps in that we aren’t alone. 
Lifting his eyes to mine, it’s as if he sees me, but doesn’t know who he’s
looking at.  That hurts.  More than any of this combined.  With one look, utter
despair coursing through his vacant eyes, he guts me.

I take a step
forward, but stop when Alex places his hands in front of him, willing me not to
take another step closer.  With a slight shake to his head, Alex stammers,
“I…I-I…uh…fuck…I gotta…think….I need to…fuck, I need a minute.” 

With every step
he walks away from me, I watch him.  It’s all I can do.  He turns and heads
back the way we came, leaving me standing in the middle of the parking lot. 
Cold and alone.  It’s not until the reverse lights of the SUV brighten that I
realize he’s leaving.  He’s abandoning me.  He promised he could handle
anything.  I guess I found his demise.  

This has to be
the worst reaction in the history of “I told him I was pregnant” stories. 
Ever. 

I continue to
scan the area, not knowing what else to do and see when the SUV turn the
corner, heading towards the exit on the west side of the building.  The weight
is too much to bear.  My chest is crushed with the realization that Alex didn’t
just walk away from me, but from our unborn child.  With tears trickling down
my cheek, my knees begin to shake, forcing me to sit on a nearby curb.  I try
desperately to catch my breath, sobs wracking my body.  But it’s no use. 

He left me.  I
told him the one secret I was most afraid of him knowing and he left me. 
Pregnant and in a parking lot.  This is worse than that movie where the
pregnant girl gets abandoned at Wal-Mart. 
Oh my God!  My baby’s going to be
known as the Braxton Casino baby.
  With that thought, my body convulses
into more tears and silent sobs.

I don’t know how
long I’ve been sitting there.  I know there are people walking by, but they’re
the least of my worries.  I’m sure I look like a mad woman, sitting in the
snow, bawling into my hands, but the most I can do right now is cover my face,
shielding my embarrassment as people continue to walk by. 

I’ve just about
pulled myself together enough to know I need to get out of the cold, when my
hands are pulled away from my face.  I jump not knowing what to expect, but
quickly relax when I see Alex kneeling in front of me.  I cry even harder as he
pulls me to stand and gently lifts me into his arms to carry me inside.  I
cry.  I cried the entire way to my room.  Somehow Alex was able to open the
door and get us inside without putting me down.  He didn’t let go until he laid
me against the soft comforter of my bed.

I don’t have
enough energy to yell at him, to tell him how selfish he was by leaving me.  I
know I don’t deserve him, or his understanding, but he shouldn’t have left. 
Any other way would have been better than him leaving.  He should have yelled
at me.  He should have continued to stand there catatonic.  But, I don’t have
it in me to even tell him that much.  And he must not either. 

Silently, he
pulls off my boots and continues without words when he lifts my sweater from my
body, and then rids me of my skirt.  I’m naked, in only my bra and panties
before him, but his eyes don’t burn with the intensity they normally do. 
Instead, he closes his eyes and drops to his knees in front of me, resting his
head in my lap.

Alex inhales
deeply, his cheek touching my bare knee.  His arms instinctually surround me,
his body pushes my knees apart so he can inch himself closer.  He can’t seem to
get close enough.  With his arms tight around my lower torso he rests his
forehead against my belly.  “I’m sorry, Hart.  I’m so sorry.”  His lips brush
against my naval.  “I didn’t know…I don’t know what to do.”  His arms tighten
around me while my fingers run through his unruly locks, comforting him in the
only way I know how. 

We hold each
other for I don’t know how long before he looks up at me.  The look on his face
is unrecognizable.  “I’m scared, Hart.  What if I…”  He shakes his head.

“I’m scared too,
Alex.  I’ve been dealing with this for weeks and…”

Regret takes
over his body.  He slumps over muttering into my belly.  “Weeks?”

“I’ve known
since Thanksgiving,” I admit softly. 

“Why didn’t you
tell me?”  He looks up at me again, this time I can see the strength return as
he straightens his back and pushes his shoulders straight.  “Were you even
going to tell me?” 

“Maybe ‘cause I
didn’t want you to take it badly?  I dunno, maybe ‘cause I didn’t want to get
stranded in a parking lot?”  Okay, I know I wasn’t technically stranded, but
apparently I feel a little melodramatic.  “I wanted to tell you…everyday,
Alex.  I just didn’t know how.”

He nods.  We
both messed up.  Me keeping this a secret for so long and of course his
reaction doesn’t make the situation any better.  Alex looks at my stomach, his
fingers grazing over my belly button before he whispers against my skin; too
quiet for me to eavesdrop into their own conversation.  His voice changes to
wonderment, “Do you know if it’s a girl or a boy?”

“It’s too soon
to tell,” I chuckle, my fingers still running through his hair.

He looks up at
me with concern.  “Do you plan on keeping it?” 

“Of course.”  I
can’t even be mad he asked that.  It’s a logical question, but it still stings.

A hint of a
smile touches his lips before he leans his head against my abdomen.  “What if
I’m just like him?”

“Like who?” I
ask, genuinely confused. 

“Like my Dad. 
What if I do horrible things that end up fucking up our kid for the rest of
their life?  God, what if this is just some fucked up cycle.” 

“Alex.”  I push
him away, gripping the sides of his face, forcing him to look at me.  “No
matter what, you’d protect me, right?”  He nods his head.  “And you still love
me despite the weeks upon weeks of hell I’ve put you through?”  He nods again. 
“Then it wouldn’t be any different with our LJ.”

“LJ?”  He looks
at me with confusion.

I look to my
belly, a smile breaking through.  “Little James.  I call him or her that since
it’s too early to know.”

“LJ…I like it. 
It’s better than calling our baby ‘it’ or ‘the baby’.”

“Well, that and
I figured your genes are probably as stubborn as you are, which will mean the
baby will be mostly you,” I joke.  “Everything will be fine Alex, you just need
to have some faith.”

“I’ll try,
Elyssa.  I don’t want to fuck this up.  You or LJ,” he pauses, deep in
thought.  “I have to make this right.”

“I know you
will.”  I lean down, placing a kiss on top of his head as he pulls me in
tighter.  “We’ll do this together.” 

A crushing
weight lifted off my shoulders when I revealed the secret about my pregnancy. 
I’ve wanted to tell Alex; deep inside I’ve always wanted him with me every step
of the way.  Sitting here with his arms around me, his head resting against my
abdomen, this moment was worth the trip to hell and back.  It was worth the
rollercoaster of emotions we’ve experienced since he left for New York and if
it meant us ending up here, I’d do it all over again. 

“Hey LJ,” Alex
turns his head, his lips brushing against my belly with each word.  “Have you
been giving your Mom a hard time?”  After placing a sweet, lingering kiss on my
flat belly, he looks up at me with a concerned smile.  “This explains why
you’ve been sick at work.”  I nod.

“The morning
sickness has been awful, but it’s getting better.  You must be my lucky charm
because I haven’t had any since we’ve been in Reno.”

Alex turns his
attention back to my belly; a large grin plastered on his face.  His fingers
brush across my skin while my fingers run through his russet strands.  “It’s
‘cause the baby missed me, huh?  You just wanted your Mommy to finally stop
being stubborn and admit she still loves me, right?” 

Alex’s coos at
my belly are enough to bring even the strongest woman to her knees.  In my
emotional state, it’s no surprise that I melt.  “It was never a matter of not
loving you,” I whisper, my voice jammed with emotion.